Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 806142

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Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* Maria01

Posted by Daisym on January 14, 2008, at 22:40:47

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by Maria01 on January 14, 2008, at 22:28:46

Perhaps. Life is hard, no doubt. But sometimes hiding behind the phrase "difference of opinion" simply means that kindness has left the room.

I guess I'm old school - I tend to think people are doing the best they can at any given moment. Even people in therapy.

 

Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* Maria01

Posted by sunnydays on January 14, 2008, at 22:43:24

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by Maria01 on January 14, 2008, at 22:28:46

You didn't respond to Daisy's point that most people she (and I) know would never go out of the way to make things hard on themselves. I'm curious as to why. If only it were as easy as simply saying, "I'm not going to agonize over my relationship with my T anymore," I would have stopped agonizing within days of starting. But I have made that promise to myself thousands of times, and it is just not that easy. I really wish you could see that. To me, saying otherwise feels like the accusations some misinformed people make that one can rid oneself of depression just by trying harder to be happy.

sunnydays

 

OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding.

Posted by muffled on January 14, 2008, at 22:45:18

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* Maria01, posted by sunnydays on January 14, 2008, at 22:43:24

Its time to stop OK?
Cuz it just causes more hurt :-(
M

 

Re: OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding. muffled

Posted by sunnydays on January 14, 2008, at 23:11:42

In reply to OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding., posted by muffled on January 14, 2008, at 22:45:18

I'm sorry muffled. But there are some things I would truly like clarification on. I am feeling like there is something vital that is not being understood, and I'd really like to work through this misunderstanding. Take care of yourself. Maybe not read any more of this thread? I know that threads like this sometimes really upset you because you are such a caring person. I don't want to see that. But I also want to stand up for my point of view, which I feel is not being understood.

((((muffled))))

sunnydays

 

Re: OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding.

Posted by happyflower on January 14, 2008, at 23:37:22

In reply to Re: OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding. muffled, posted by sunnydays on January 14, 2008, at 23:11:42

Everyone can have their own view on this and should be allowed to voice it, whether or not the majority agrees. But not everyone will understand the other point of view for various reasons, we all are different and are in different stages in therapy and in our lives. Respect should be given for "all" view even if they don't agree with our own.

 

Re: OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding.

Posted by star008 on January 15, 2008, at 0:01:30

In reply to Re: OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding. muffled, posted by sunnydays on January 14, 2008, at 23:11:42

The problem here is that this post is about judgement and looking at other people's therapy experiences.. Lucky people who have never had to think about a T relationship and were able to keep things all clear and logical in their minds. I don't agonize anymore but I used to.. It is real.. Even though I knew the truth in my head, my heart felt differently. Please understand that some of us have never let anyone get close to us..
well.. if you don't get it, you just don't get it and all the talk in the worldwon't help.

This is one of the most insulting threads I have ever read.

 

Star, you got me thining again! :-) star008

Posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 0:23:52

In reply to Re: OK OK OK, we have misunderstanding., posted by star008 on January 15, 2008, at 0:01:30

>Please understand that some of us have never let anyone get close to us..

*AH! Duh, thats IT Star! I have never ever said much bout myself EVER, to ANYbody. It was SO HUGE to say anything to T. To let her see inside me. My 'prime directive' of life (yeah...star treck!!!LOL) was to HIDE at all costs myself.
I still find it VERY hard to talk about myself, even in T. I am ashamed of so many things. My ikids like my T. I am doing as well as I am due to my T's everlasting patience, which I still worry will run out!!! I still worry bout allowing attachment, but T says we attach in life to others. She say its not a bad thing, but a good thing. I have to learn that I won't necessarily get rejected if people 'see' me. Its is so important that she took such time and caring, that she bent over backwards to try and help me to trust her. She is a good person I beleive. She's got a good heart. And she has seen some of whats inside me, and she hasn't rejected me. She just keeps treating me the same. I find it all so confusing. Inexplicable. WHY does she not look upon me with disgust? But she doesn't. I think I starting to beleive her. She says I NOT gross, that its lies. But its all I have ever known. Its hard to understand so much.
*I* am not attached to my T, not at all, I think its not necessary...but my Ikids are......and they the ones who need help....
Its all so hard.
But I am thankful that I feel I am making progress.
I am thankful to my T.
I think she is good at what she does. Not perfect, she says that herself. But for me, she has done good.
I care bout my T, she cares bout me.
And someone posted bout dinner. I LIKED that. One day I will have my T and her family to supper at my clean organized house. NOW that will be nice! Makes me smile it does! :-)
Thanks for making me think star, you do that alot! ;-)
M

 

ROFL!!! ThinKing!!! (nm) muffled

Posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 0:25:43

In reply to Star, you got me thining again! :-) star008, posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 0:23:52

 

My thots.....FWIW.... happyflower

Posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 1:14:38

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran, posted by happyflower on January 14, 2008, at 22:35:01

> All I know is that being on the boards, were mostly supportive when I had my transference issues,

*:-)

>but I also allowed it to fed into the over importance of the T. I think this is something I learned from here, and I jumped on the wagon and started to want my T to be something he couldn't be.

*I'm not sure how we did that? I'm sorry if I did anything hurtful.
I think at times we tried to turn you away from T somewhat, but then you were always kidding and joking and making light of it all. I think we just tried to be supportive of you :-(
And also DID your oldT help you initially on your therapy journey? I'm sorry it went so badly in the end :-( But you were strong and I admire that. And I am glad you were able to find a T that feels safe to you.
I am not ashamed to say there have been times when my T has been HUGE in my life. HUGE. Cuz I walk a scarey path alone, and she try and walk it with me. I never let noone DO that before. Yeah, she was HUGE in my life. I still care bout her plenty too. So I think its not always bad this T thing. Yeah, goes wrong sometimes, but goes right sometimes too.

> Now that I am in therapy with a very caring T, but who has very defined boundaries, I don't miss him on vacations, he has had 2 already, and I see him nnweekly.

*I am weekly too. I do much better w/vacations. Still miss her though. My T. My ikids kinda get a little lost cuz they don't trust me. But I doing better w/that :-)

>We deal with the therapeutic relationship if there is a misunderstanding, but he doesn't pretend to be my father, lover, child or anything else but my T, the relationship isn't or main focus.

*Not our main focus either. But its THERE. LOL! My T mostly into CBT. But the 'relationship' is considered very important, cuz w/o trust, how could I speak? And w/o conflict and testing, how could I know she trustworthy? I could not just accept that the lady sitting in front of me wasn't gonna 'get me' somehow. I could not feel safe. This took some time. Ikids still get frightened of her sometimes if she moves the wrong way. But it passes quick now, cuz we mostly trust her. I don't know how I could develop trust in any other way? My T was willing to meet me where I was at.

>I rarely think of him outside of therapy, I am thinking about me and what I need to do to recover, not overanaylizing every move and word my T does.

*I dunno if the correct term is overanalyzing, but perhaps 'personalization'? Where we, despite ourselves, take stuff upon ourselves, right or wrong. I think of my T lots outside therapy. She makes me feel safer. If I ever go in the hosp. I know she will advocate for me. If I was lying in a pool of puke in the gutter and I didn't know who else to call, she would help me seek help. So yeah, I think of her. Also, alot of who we perceive we are, is 'reflected' in our interactions w/others. My interaction w/T involves deep stuff, so how she reflects back to me is HUGE to me....
I am glad you have made so much progress thru therapy HF. Seems its that way. Slooooooooooooooooooooooooow, then allasudden AHA! :-) And everything in btwn.

>There is a huge difference now. I have made more progress in 5 months than I have in 2 1/2 years of therapy. The difference is my main problem isn't within the therapy relationship.

*MY main prob is not the therapy relationship, but the therapy relationship is EXTREEMLY important to me...if that makes sense? I am learning from my safe T relationship, so its a GOOD, if sometimes hard thing. But more good than bad I'd say. Mostly I get confused, cuz I don't understand about allowing others close. Way freaky!

> I think on Babble boards there contains a "special" group of people who are unique to therapy itself.

*LOL! I am special???!!! Yayyyy! :-)
Well, I dunno, but us longer term T people, we mostly pretty accepting? Mostly alla babble is accepting, but sometimes its not. But I guess thats life.
However my T's style of therapy is not unique, I think its also called maybe? person centered? I'm not sure....but its not unique therapy method. And I see alot of info out there that stresses that the T relationship is very important.

>A lot of people don't think about therapy so much, aren't on message boards, and they still progress, but I wonder if makes one less dependent on the T and the importance of the future of the relationship.

*But see for me...I have NEVER depended on others. Never allowed myself to lean on others....so for me to allow some sense of dependence, is freaky, but healthy.
I think its all goto do with the client, the issues they have and their way of dealing with stuff. So whats good for one, may not be good for another.

>I believe for me, babble taught me how to be dependent on my old T and to analyze every aspect of what happens in the therapy hour.

*Sometimes I do that, sometimes I don't. I think that this is what we tend to see lots of on the psych board, cuz it IS the psych board....!!! We don't see me helping at school, etc and being so very well adjusted....I don't need to be validated for that, I get validation from other parents. But I can come here to babble, and people make me feel OK bout how I feel bout therapy, cuz I can't exactly shout it in the halls of the school. I don't care, but it would affect my kids. I think I tend to talk here more about negative therapy stuff, cuz I get validated here. I try to remember to say goodstuff too though...
So what a person sees here on the babble boards is just a pretty narrow slice of each persons lives....

>Now I tend to do that less, but yet I spend about 75% less time here now. Maybe it is just a coincidence.

*Maybe you have outgrown babble? Quite possibly that is so? Or maybe there is a board that would fit you better? What is it you want from babble? Social, learn about meds ? There are many boards, and if psych upsets you, maybe another will fit better?
I have always enjoyed your sense of fun HF.
But here agian, the failure of the written word :-( I may have misread your humour :-( I am sorry if so.
I wish you well HF.
And for all that babble is challenging at times, its proly good to learn stuff here for being at T!! :-)
M

 

Re: Star, you got me thining again! :-)

Posted by star008 on January 15, 2008, at 1:24:16

In reply to Star, you got me thining again! :-) star008, posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 0:23:52

yeah, for some of us it is the first trusting safe
realationship we have ever been in.. One where the other person doesnt tear you down, ever. They mght make mistakes by they feel bad when they do.
I hve been with my T for years and years.. of course I love him.. not romantic.., (i got over that).. I know the limits of our friendship and that is just the way it is.

My ikids are attached but the adult me is too.. I still need hm to give me relaity checks...Some of us missed the very basic tings we needed to know in order to grow into healthy well-functioning adults.. For those who don't feel that way BRAVO..Then therapy is easier for you but if it does happen to you someday then you won't feel superior to those of us who have had to deal with it and you will truly be able to understand.

 

re anytime muffled.. )))));) (nm) muffled

Posted by star008 on January 15, 2008, at 1:29:19

In reply to Star, you got me thining again! :-) star008, posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 0:23:52

 

Re: let's keep it civil, everyone, thanks

Posted by Dr. Bob on January 15, 2008, at 2:21:06

In reply to Re: Star, you got me thining again! :-), posted by star008 on January 15, 2008, at 1:24:16

> you will never be able to fully understand

> This almost sounds like setting up an adversarial relationship, kind of like asking for relationship problems with the T.

> It may be something that you never understand

> "I left because you were all driving me crazy. I'm back to help point out how you are all doing therapy wrong."
>
> stuff that makes people feel bad or sad or ashamed.

> If you're so sensitive that you personalize everything like that, then that is something you need to deal with.

> there is something vital that is not being understood

> if you don't get it, you just don't get it and all the talk in the worldwon't help.

Please don't jump to conclusions about others or post anything that could lead them to feel accused or put down. Sometimes it's best just to agree to disagree.

I encourage anyone who has questions about this or about posting policies in general, or is interested in alternative ways of expressing themselves, to see the FAQ:

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforce

Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.

Thanks,

Bob

 

Re: Great post! seldomseen

Posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:26:25

In reply to Re: Great post! MissK, posted by seldomseen on January 14, 2008, at 17:45:31

>Well, there have been times in therapy when I didn't have much to say because there wasn't that much to say.
In fact, there have been times when my therapy was just downright boring and I was like "why am I paying for this?"

lol. It was more like I don't know what to say or talk about, can I leave now? She was good though. She noted even when you are struggling or conflicted about what to say, you are still working. She has often referred to therapy to working. I don't understand it being 'work' in the conventional sense, but she is big on the idea.

>But, on the other hand, there have been other times when I did have something to say but wasn't saying it. I was just simply pretending it wasn't there.

I think you got something there. Good point. Thanks, Seldom.

 

Re: I'm busted! antigua3

Posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:30:10

In reply to I'm busted! MissK, posted by antigua3 on January 14, 2008, at 18:29:27

I just want to say thank you, antigua, for your reply to my original post. There was something in the nature, tone and what you said that affected me. After reading it last evening, I had a little cry. And, I think I now know what more I need and want to bring up in therapy.

Thank you again.

 

Re: OK, I just gotta say....* Maria01

Posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:36:08

In reply to Re: OK, I just gotta say....* muffled, posted by Maria01 on January 14, 2008, at 20:02:15

Hi Maria,

>People will ultimately do/say whatever they want in the end

I agree. Thanks for your contributions to the discussion.

 

noted (nm)

Posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:39:39

In reply to Re: let's keep it civil, everyone, thanks, posted by Dr. Bob on January 15, 2008, at 2:21:06

 

Re: noted --oops intended for Dr. Bob (nm)

Posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:40:34

In reply to noted (nm), posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:39:39

 

NOTED, DR BOB))this thread hurt (nm)

Posted by star008 on January 16, 2008, at 21:36:14

In reply to Re: let's keep it civil, everyone, thanks, posted by Dr. Bob on January 15, 2008, at 2:21:06

 

yeah...geez, ouchie ouchie (nm) star008

Posted by obsidian on January 16, 2008, at 21:58:46

In reply to NOTED, DR BOB))this thread hurt (nm), posted by star008 on January 16, 2008, at 21:36:14

 

Re: I'm busted! MissK

Posted by antigua3 on January 17, 2008, at 7:52:00

In reply to Re: I'm busted! antigua3, posted by MissK on January 15, 2008, at 17:30:10

I'm really sorry I made you cry. That wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted to explain that for me, despite the awful times, they have been worth it because I'm such a healthier person for having my T in my life. Everyone's situation is different, and you are doing the best you can, so hang in there!
antigua

 

Re:All in All this was a helpful thread..thanks!

Posted by rskontos on January 17, 2008, at 9:08:44

In reply to Re: I'm busted! MissK, posted by antigua3 on January 17, 2008, at 7:52:00

Hey guys, I know that this thread hurt some of you, and I left after my initial post and only finished reading this thread today. But I must admit I found this whole thread very helpful. And most of you know I can be triggered very easily. So many of you had great words of wisdom and too many to be named individually. I would like to thank Miss K for opening this up. I have just begin my hard struggle to get all my parts under control and my therapist is talking about transference to help me. I now understand this better as a result of this thread. I also through this thread have some insight into other's struggles, triumphs and ways to help and hinder this painful but necessary walk to make myself better. One thing that I do really identify with strongly was Seldomseen's comment "But, for me at least, I learned that I could absorb hurt and frustation and disappointment and not be devastated by it or end the relationship". That struck a cord in my being and my soul. I have always ran from being hurt. And my T/p-doc says that this is the biggest thing for me to not do right now. So I thank you Seldom, I needed that. And I thank each of you for sharing all, including the discord because in this a compromise and a sense of self was gained. The tone changed a bit but I did notice as a bystander that it was resolved even before Dr. Bob intervened. It did help me and some was hard to hear but I pushed through and was helped. Thanks all........rsk

 

Beautiful RSk!!!..thanks! rskontos

Posted by muffled on January 17, 2008, at 9:58:45

In reply to Re:All in All this was a helpful thread..thanks!, posted by rskontos on January 17, 2008, at 9:08:44

That was well said.
There were parts of this thread that were hard, but there was good too, and I wanted to say something, but didn't have words. Thru hard stuff we grow.
You said it WELL!
Thanks RSk!!
:-)
Glad you back around babble some :-)
M

 

Re: I'm busted! antigua3

Posted by MissK on January 18, 2008, at 8:48:51

In reply to Re: I'm busted! MissK, posted by antigua3 on January 17, 2008, at 7:52:00

>I just wanted to explain that for me, despite the awful times, they have been worth it because I'm such a healthier person for having my T in my life.

You did it very well.

>I'm really sorry I made you cry. That wasn't my intention at all.

I never thought it was :).

 

wishing you the best in your treatment, Rsk. (nm) rskontos

Posted by MissK on January 18, 2008, at 8:52:44

In reply to Re:All in All this was a helpful thread..thanks!, posted by rskontos on January 17, 2008, at 9:08:44

 

Re: Thanks so much..... (nm) MissK

Posted by rskontos on January 18, 2008, at 14:30:31

In reply to wishing you the best in your treatment, Rsk. (nm) rskontos, posted by MissK on January 18, 2008, at 8:52:44


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