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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 27, 2007, at 10:10:37
I'm on a different continent, and he's travelling out of town too.
Out of all the things I could be missing, I miss HIM. ugh.
*************
In other news, I've been playing the self-loathing game. it goes something like thisme: I hate myself
I: you stupid person, you OUGHT to hate yourself
me: I wish I weren't such a stupid fat American
I: you are a stupid fat American and there's nothing you can do about it
me: I will never feel well enough to get off of my medication
I: you're not even functional unless you're doped up
me: nobody cares if I exist
I: you're probably right****************
depression looms.i just want... I just wanna look FoRWARD to something. Instead it's dread all around.
I feel like therapy is the only thing propping me up. and to be missing it for nearly 4 weeks is kinda uncomfortable at best
**************
I really miss you guys. aLL of you.-Ll
Posted by star008 on December 27, 2007, at 10:23:00
In reply to me and T are in different worlds, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 27, 2007, at 10:10:37
hang in there.. you will be home and thngs will look a little better for you. you are not a fat stupid american..And if nothing else be PROUD that you are an american.it will honor our kids over there fighting and getting hurt and killed.Be proud of our kids and your country.. i know it is hard for you and I feel sorry that you feel so bad.
you might never get off your meds.. I doubt that I ever will. it's not our fault.. it's a brain short circuit that we were born with. i hate the thought of meds forever too but it isn't so different than having to take meds for seizures or something else, is it?? I do know how you feel cuz i think the same way but maybe we can think of it differently.
I want to look forward to things too.. I want to wake up looking forward to a new day.. I can't even imagine what that would be like.
I wish I could give you more but i can give what i don't have.. But maybe it helps to know you certainly aren't alone in your thoughts.
hugs
Posted by nfc on December 28, 2007, at 3:43:13
In reply to Re: me and T are in different worlds » llurpsienoodle, posted by star008 on December 27, 2007, at 10:23:00
yeah its an injustice that we have to endure mental illness while there's others out there who don't have to. seeing them smile and and just get on with their lives while something is bothering you inside mentally. its just not fair.
I also look forward to a time when nothing is bothering me. It'll also be the same for everyone. We'll all be happy go lucky, doing something we enjoy. Although in this lifetime, that doesn't seem likely for all but I like to believe that in the next life, its a guarantee.
nfc
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 28, 2007, at 5:28:38
In reply to me and T are in different worlds, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 27, 2007, at 10:10:37
Posted by Dinah on December 28, 2007, at 8:49:40
In reply to yup. definitely depressed. (nm), posted by llurpsienoodle on December 28, 2007, at 5:28:38
You're in a stressful situation. It's ok to just grab onto something and hang on until it's over. Stress exacerbates all problems, not just mental health ones.
Is there anything you can do to reduce your stress till you come home? Last time I was away I had to identify some specific things that were stressing me too much, and try to come up with ways to lessen the strain.
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 28, 2007, at 10:20:49
In reply to me and T are in different worlds, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 27, 2007, at 10:10:37
When I first read your initial post, the part about the self-loathing game. I had a interesting thought cross my mind: That whole Dialog would actually be humorous in another context....perhaps a TV show.
So lets pick apart this depression of yours and examine what's really perpetuating these feelings. We'll start with
"me: I hate myself"
"I: you stupid person, you OUGHT to hate yourself"
Actually, I couldn't agree more. Everyone should always put themselves under scrutiny. Becoming a better person is the very definition of the path to enlightenment and should be an important goal of every individual.
"me: I wish I weren't such a stupid fat American"
"I: you are a stupid fat American and there's nothing you can do about it"
It's true that you can't choose your parents. If you truly feel that you are fat, that should motivate you to change that. If it's not enough motivation, there obviously is something else that outweighs that motivation, find it and focus your attention there instead.
"me: I will never feel well enough to get off of my medication"
"I: you're not even functional unless you're doped up"
Well my friend. You may have come across a solid truth there. Maybe you truly can't function without medicinal help. Among other problems, I am an insulin dependent diabetic. Without my shots, I die within a few days. My point - Join the club, choke them pills down, and enjoy the life you've been given.
"me: nobody cares if I exist"
"I: you're probably right"
B*LLSH*T. You think I'm writing all this for an attempt at the Pulitzer? Everybody here has been here for you, and each day we hear from you we care a little more. So F*CK that thought, It's just wrong.-Hang in there-
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 5:53:33
In reply to Re: me and T are in different worlds » llurpsienoodle, posted by star008 on December 27, 2007, at 10:23:00
> hang in there.. you will be home and thngs will look a little better for you. you are not a fat stupid american..And if nothing else be PROUD that you are an american.it will honor our kids over there fighting and getting hurt and killed.Be proud of our kids and your country.. i know it is hard for you and I feel sorry that you feel so bad.
>
You are right, I forgot the importance of patriotism in a time of war.> you might never get off your meds.. I doubt that I ever will. it's not our fault.. it's a brain short circuit that we were born with. i hate the thought of meds forever too but it isn't so different than having to take meds for seizures or something else, is it?? I do know how you feel cuz i think the same way but maybe we can think of it differently.
My friend who's a doctor says that I seem so much better since she saw me last april. She says that whatever I'm taking must be working. keep it coming, etc. I just wish there were fewer side effects...
>
> I want to look forward to things too.. I want to wake up looking forward to a new day.. I can't even imagine what that would be like.
>
> I wish I could give you more but i can give what i don't have.. But maybe it helps to know you certainly aren't alone in your thoughts.
>
> hugsAww, thanks for hugs. I hope you have a little teensy weensy bit of joy in your life today?
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 5:56:51
In reply to Re: me and T are in different worlds » star008, posted by nfc on December 28, 2007, at 3:43:13
> yeah its an injustice that we have to endure mental illness while there's others out there who don't have to. seeing them smile and and just get on with their lives while something is bothering you inside mentally. its just not fair.
>
And when people look at me and think "oh, she's doing fine" and forget how hard it is to get here, and stay here. how hard it is to struggle with the voices that try to bring me to madness EVERY single DAY. How stress can just put me in a very uncomfortable spot, time after time after time...> I also look forward to a time when nothing is bothering me. It'll also be the same for everyone. We'll all be happy go lucky, doing something we enjoy. Although in this lifetime, that doesn't seem likely for all but I like to believe that in the next life, its a guarantee.
>
> nfc
>
that is a comforting thought, hold onto that-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 5:58:28
In reply to Re: yup. definitely depressed. » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on December 28, 2007, at 8:49:40
I was hoping that I'd just be able to focus on my knitting, but it's hard to do that. everything is go go go.
speaking of go go go.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:02:13
In reply to Re: me and T are in different worlds » llurpsienoodle, posted by Bodhisattva on December 28, 2007, at 10:20:49
> When I first read your initial post, the part about the self-loathing game. I had a interesting thought cross my mind: That whole Dialog would actually be humorous in another context....perhaps a TV show.
>
> So lets pick apart this depression of yours and examine what's really perpetuating these feelings. We'll start with
> "me: I hate myself"
> "I: you stupid person, you OUGHT to hate yourself"
> Actually, I couldn't agree more. Everyone should always put themselves under scrutiny. Becoming a better person is the very definition of the path to enlightenment and should be an important goal of every individual.even Faustian striving?
> "me: I wish I weren't such a stupid fat American"
> "I: you are a stupid fat American and there's nothing you can do about it"
> It's true that you can't choose your parents. If you truly feel that you are fat, that should motivate you to change that. If it's not enough motivation, there obviously is something else that outweighs that motivation, find it and focus your attention there instead.I'm having trouble focusing on anything. my attn. is scattered.
> "me: I will never feel well enough to get off of my medication"
> "I: you're not even functional unless you're doped up"
> Well my friend. You may have come across a solid truth there. Maybe you truly can't function without medicinal help. Among other problems, I am an insulin dependent diabetic. Without my shots, I die within a few days. My point - Join the club, choke them pills down, and enjoy the life you've been given.i have to remember hard to take them. I HATE it when I'm lying in bed, all cozy, and I remember. the dreaded pills.
> "me: nobody cares if I exist"
> "I: you're probably right"
> B*LLSH*T. You think I'm writing all this for an attempt at the Pulitzer? Everybody here has been here for you, and each day we hear from you we care a little more. So F*CK that thought, It's just wrong.
>
> -Hang in there-thank you for your caring. I believe you deserve the pulitzer :)
went to temple today. saw many buddhas. Rang the temple bells.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:07:44
In reply to Re: yup. definitely depressed. » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on December 28, 2007, at 8:49:40
> You're in a stressful situation. It's ok to just grab onto something and hang on until it's over. Stress exacerbates all problems, not just mental health ones.
The one thing I'm trying to do is to get enough sleep.
> Is there anything you can do to reduce your stress till you come home? Last time I was away I had to identify some specific things that were stressing me too much, and try to come up with ways to lessen the strain.
specific thing #1. socializing. solution- isolating and staying in the hotel, rather than going out
specific thing #2. bar-hopping. solution= reading a book instead.
specific thing #3. being antidepressed. solution= trying really hard for limited amounts of time.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:09:49
In reply to Re: yup. definitely depressed. +raquo; Dinah, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:07:44
That I begin crying even before I can get a strong mental image of him.
and my kitty too.
-Ll
Posted by ClearSkies on December 29, 2007, at 9:59:54
In reply to I miss my T so bad., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:09:49
> That I begin crying even before I can get a strong mental image of him.
>
> and my kitty too.
>
> -LlAw, Llurpsie. It's hard to be so far from home and to miss those things so strongly. Try to focus on the soothing things you brought along (I think you mentioned lavender?) that will give you a whiff of familiarity in such foreign surroundings. It served me well to become an observer rather than try to engage this past week with all the strange goings on. Imagine ClearSkies in her virtual pith helmet, taking her field notes in her virtual tent at night! In reality it was a couple of scribbled lines in a well-used notebook before going to bed, but it helped me.
And sometimes, when we are feeling really badly, it's all we can do to watch our breath go out and then in again. Do this and count backwards from 30 for each breath ("30 count in, 30 count out; 29 count in, 29 count out"); I find that I get lost after the 26th count, or bored maybe?, but it's helpful for me to concentrate on something other than my misery for a short while. Give this little exercise a try. And if you can't, well, you will keep on breathing, won't you? The breath won't mind whether you're able to count it or not.
Take care. I miss you too.
ClearSkies
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 29, 2007, at 11:45:02
In reply to Re: me and T are in different worlds +raquo; Bodhisattva, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:02:13
>even Faustian striving?
Remember the middle way. The eightfold path and the 4 nobles truths. Remember that it is not the path itself that is important, the path itself can have many distractions that can envelop us and lead us astray.
Self-improvement itself is not the enemy. But the realization of the multiplicity of flaws can be.
It's good that you went to the temple. Your brothers will help steady you on the path.
Posted by DAisym on December 29, 2007, at 14:21:04
In reply to I miss my T so bad., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:09:49
I know you don't want to hear this, but it is a good thing that you miss your therapist and your kitty...it means you've allowed yourself to love and be connected. That in itself is sustaining.
My therapist left me a message that said, "I'm with you in spirit and in your heart." Yours is too...try to feel him instead of see him. Try to hear him - go ahead and talk to him in your head. I'm always sending out "psychic interruptions" - sometimes just his name even.
I know it is hard to be away. I hope you are having some interesting and enjoyable times, along with the harder things.
Take care,
Daisy
Posted by nfc on December 29, 2007, at 14:26:13
In reply to Re: I miss my T so bad., posted by DAisym on December 29, 2007, at 14:21:04
hey ll,
In the meantime, we here on babble are your shoulder to lean on and can be like supplemental T's during this time. Sorry if I'm outta the loop but will you be seeing your T again sometime in the future?
Keep persevering, through trial comes strength.
take care
nfc
Posted by star008 on December 29, 2007, at 14:43:16
In reply to me and T are in different worlds, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 27, 2007, at 10:10:37
HOw long till you get back?? hang in there.. i wish you felt better.. i know the dread feeling.. It's justnot fair but then life is not fair.
Posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 17:48:48
In reply to I miss my T so bad., posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 9:09:49
Hang in there.
You've made it this far.
Not too much longer and you can be home again.
Can you go to your safe place in your head and just kinda be there? Or can you create a special place in your head right now, a new one that is just perfect for what you are missing?
I miss ya round here.
Post when you can, it sure is nice that you can post.
Try to enjoy the nice little things that come along. Colors...flowers....different languages....laughter....unususal bugs or plants etc....shells....rocks....
Tell us bout them, it'd be cool to hear. Mebbe if no 'net', you can write it down and tell us bout it when you get home.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Muffled
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 18:05:19
In reply to ((((((((((((Llurpy)))))))))))))) » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 17:48:48
hi all,
don't have time to write all of you individually.
just wanted to say THANK YOU. you brighten my day.observer-wise
there are chickens that go cockadoodlydoo at 4 in the morning, and lots of songbirds. laundry is done by a woman down the street for a dollar a load. her folding is meticulous. I just ate bread with bacon bits in it. it was yummy. my tummy hurts from too much strange food.comfort-wise
I found a trashy novel to readbuddhist-wise
I have been making good by trying not to spurn those different from me and by making small donations here and there, for upkeep of temples, etcsafe place wise
i have a bed in a quiet place.grounding wise.
a tiny bottle of 4711 cologne-Ll
p.s. I try to remember my T's voice when he leaves me a voice mail. Hi Llurpsie this is XXXXXXX. I'll see you at 10 tomorrow.p.p.s. next time I see him is the 7th of jan.
Posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 19:40:06
In reply to Re: ((((((((((((Llurpy)))))))))))))), posted by llurpsienoodle on December 29, 2007, at 18:05:19
Good for you, doing good things.
Thanks for posting.
Sounds kinda interesting there. What else is interesting?
I could do w/o cockledoodledoo at 4 am!
You see T on Jan 7 th? thats sunday isn't it?
I think I see mine on the..............oh sh*t........we never set an appt...oh well.
Proly in that same week anyways. My T'll proly call on the monday to set appts for Tues/Wed.
T is there. He there waiting to see you.
Not too much longer....
Take care,
M
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 30, 2007, at 9:15:05
In reply to Re: ((((((((((((Llurpy)))))))))))))), posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 19:40:06
today I bought silver jewelery and drank coconut juice.
i felt okay for much of the day. I even found the scott peck book: new psychology of ... at the used bookstore. so I bought it.
I'm gonna go read it now. try to forget that T is on the wrong end of sunset.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 20:33:27
In reply to Re: ((((((((((((Llurpy)))))))))))))) +raquo; muffled, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 30, 2007, at 9:15:05
I bought a coconut one time for my kid, but one of the 'eyes' was mouldy, the juice wasn't so good either.
But heck, it sure was fun trying to break that sucker open!!!
Finally used a splitting maul! ROFL!!
Take care,
M
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2008, at 5:03:53
In reply to Coconut juice!!! » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 20:33:27
I feel totally abandoned by my h. it's like he just dragged me along. he is working on this vacation and sometimes he doesn't even tell me when he's going to be away. every night he goes out drinking with his friends and i HATE it and refuse to go along.
why am I staying in my room all day HERE. I could have taken the money and gone somewhere *I* wanted to go.
yeah. I know this isn't a psychology themed post. but WAIT there's more. I think I'm too dependent on my h. I should be more assertive of my needs and be braver and more courageous to get out and do things on my own. this is one of the topix I'm going to talk about when I get back.
-Ll
Posted by ClearSkies on January 1, 2008, at 9:22:04
In reply to I should have used the money and gone on my own, posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2008, at 5:03:53
> I feel totally abandoned by my h. it's like he just dragged me along. he is working on this vacation and sometimes he doesn't even tell me when he's going to be away. every night he goes out drinking with his friends and i HATE it and refuse to go along.
>
> why am I staying in my room all day HERE. I could have taken the money and gone somewhere *I* wanted to go.
>
> yeah. I know this isn't a psychology themed post. but WAIT there's more. I think I'm too dependent on my h. I should be more assertive of my needs and be braver and more courageous to get out and do things on my own. this is one of the topix I'm going to talk about when I get back.
>
> -LlDifficult to find that this is something to learn while you're so far from home. And I *can* relate, having traveled with my H while he's been working - and equally hated and resented it. Even when there is "personal time" tacked on at one end or another it seems like a cheat somehow. I've always found too if I've ventured out on my own that I haven't wanted to go very far from the hotel before going back, making me feel timid and that I'm a fearful person who can't really handle being in a strange place on her own. Not empowering!
What my T would say - sometimes, it just sucks. When it's like this we have to be extra nice to ourselves (that's the hardest part of all, isn't it?), and try to notice what we're feeling, rather than try to change it. This is when my notebook comes out, and I make truly incoherent scribblings that release my own internal pressure here and there.
Taking the focus down to a very small level, as Bhodi suggested to me on a thread about anxiety, helps. Take a close look at your bedspread in the room. Or the loops in the towel. Or your new knock-off handbag - really examine it. Sometimes taking the observation of our world down to such a minute level has the effect of not only soothing us, but it also opens a whole new world to us - who knew that, perhaps, handbags were things of such careful construction? It's finding a little shred of joy in a tiny corner of a strange world that can bring you comfort; and can also give you a little gift that you would not be able to share with someone else, because it's so intimate. Just an idea, that one.
CS
Posted by muffled on January 1, 2008, at 13:57:34
In reply to I should have used the money and gone on my own, posted by llurpsienoodle on January 1, 2008, at 5:03:53
LOL, I like how you dragged psychology into it!!!
I REALLY liked CS post!
And your not there too much longer?
Soon you will be home?
I think thats great that you are standing up for yourself regarding going out drinking.
Is there other activities you might enjoy there?
Sightseeing? Tours?
Just sitting and reading and sipping cool drinks?
Researching something on the net if you have access?
Is there such a thing as libraries there?
I KNOW! Find me something cool, cheap but interesting, or even better FIND me some cool mutant seed, or bug shell or seashell, or pressed leaf, and MAIL it to me! THAT'd be FUN!
Maybe you can go 'treasure hunting' for wierd natural 'finds'. Or do some cool photos.
Set up a slide show for us babblers.
Educate us bout that area.
You can put it up on babble when you get back.
Just thots.
Glad you keeping in touch.
Take care,
M
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