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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by star008 on December 10, 2007, at 16:18:14
In reply to stuck in first gear...., posted by B2chica on December 10, 2007, at 11:27:15
it is hard.. i gt triggered too.. So many problems, so many issues...I get bummed sometimes reading everything,, I realize it triggers my own stuff.. But I am trying to focus more on other people than myself.. I am not a selfish person, just self-absorbed alot because of my own pain..
I understand who you feel though.. Waht is nice tht if you have an issue many people will come out to support you.. take care
Posted by rskontos on December 10, 2007, at 17:18:41
In reply to stuck in first gear...., posted by B2chica on December 10, 2007, at 11:27:15
Oh sweetie, I have been thinking about you each day. I am glad you posted. You know we are here for you........
No worries. We have BIG shoulders that can support you right now!!!!
((((((((((((B2Chica)))))))))))))))))))) I am just glad to have you back
rk
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 8:06:26
In reply to stuck in first gear...., posted by B2chica on December 10, 2007, at 11:27:15
had session yesterday (still only once a week, sometimes that's good but this week i wish it were more.)
this weekened my inner littleone came out at church so i had to run to the bathroom and let her talk (quietly) i tried to tell her to wait till monday session and talk with T. i was with some family (who know NOTHING about stuff) so later i was able to get away to another bathroom and call my T 1)to hear her voice and 2)to let littleone talk....BUT then she wouldn't and i tried to talk but it's like she was being stubborn and 'wouldn't come out', then before i hung up she BLARED out.
anyway
yesterday i went to session and i didn't know if littleone would be around or not but then i felt her there at work REALLY near i was trying to get composure several times.then session. i no more than sat down and littleone was there, i curled up and she started to blubber and cry and yell and tantrum a bit. she was saying how nobody liked her, no one would hug her...etc. then T offered to hug her. it felt SO nice she even rocked her a bit. then she just verbally threw up TONS of bad abuse.
AND i FINALLY told T about the actual sex (intercourse) abuse.which i'd been holding back cuz i can't seem to talk about when i'm me or feeling fine. ONLY littleone can talk about the bad stuff.
but she cried, screamed...etc. exhausting.
BUT what was really hard was when T was trying to bring me out...i COULD NOT leave the memory, it was SO REAL like it was Happening, maybe not visibly which it was some, but physically, the pain the touch, the sound. when i got out(finally) of the memory i kept squirming and she asked me what was happening, if i was uncomfortable and i finally had to tell her i felt so uncomfortable cuz i REALLY truly felt like i had no clothes on. it was SO real! so she covered me with her coat.
i was even shivering like i had nothing on!
it took pretty much the rest of the session to get me 'out' of there.
so it was pretty much an awful session. but it was good i think to finally get that sh@t out of me...(again) to her, to this T.
but no matter WHAT she said, no matter HOW hard she was talking i COULD NOT, WOULD NOT make eye contact with her. she was trying that to get me to 'come out of it' but i physically couldn't.so anyway, i'm not reading today, very fragile, just posting. though i would like to pop in to see if anyone has comments.cuz i actually have a question to those with any form of DID and are on meds.
***************************did you have any experience with how meds did/did not effect your switching?
i've noticed that on one hand i can't as easily switch which can be good if i'm (me) and don't want to switch during work or something. but yesterday during session my littleone came out, relived a HORRIBLE memory and i could NOT get out of the memory. it was So scary and sooo hard! even when littleone went back and it was me i felt like i was lingering between dimensions....
i can only guess it's the meds not allowing me the ability to switch emotions that well. was it the meds? or just that the memory was SO STRONG and so bad that it hung one?any thoughts would be appreciated.
thank you all So much for understanding.
b2c.
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 9:39:06
In reply to BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 8:06:26
b2c, I don't think it was the meds. I think it was the memory and it the awful hold it had on you. I think getting it out was POWERFUl. Maybe now little one can be safe out and not be so mad. She has a voice now. Wow....I am trying not to be triggered but I remembered my T saying meds aren't all that helpful to DID. They make me flat but didn't affect my switching.
She says that some of your alters aren't affected by the meds at all. In fact studies show that one alter can have a condition that another wont so that meds will work with one and not the other. So while it might help one it won't another. And it is a fact that meds work differently on children.
I went off my meds. They weren't helping and just made me sleep all the time. I am switching all the time either way. No difference. What I wanted the meds to do they didnt why stay on them.
I feel better off.
I think you felt horrible because it was the toughest one yet and to tell that one to anyone even a trusted t is hard because you have been hiding it for SO LONG. That is why you didn't want to come out because you were afraid of how she would react. That is normal. It was a bad a horrible experience in the first place or you would not have created inner littleone in the first place knowing that it was so HUGE to let her have the opportunity to tell her side and let her memory out. I AM SO PROUD of you......So yes it was so strong so bad that is why it hung on. I think now it will get less and less and inner littleone will get calmer and calmer because you cooperated with her and let her have her say and time out. WAY TO GO. BRAVE B2C
((((((((((((B2Chica)))))))))
rk
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 10:21:08
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 9:39:06
thank you RK.
it was one of the most emotional sessions i've had with this T (well, not including Teen) but with littleone....
that memory was SO freaking THERE, i felt, smelled EVERYTHING, even when i was "semi-"out of it i would hear the abuser's whisper in my ear "just a little more"..."just a little longer"....
GOd, it about killed me to say those things and hear them again. even now.
but while i was in session i had my antibacterial lotion out....and T told me to put it on my ears so bad abuser would go away (from ears)....i've done it at work now about three times.
it's weird and kinda stupid....but it works.
GOD i need a hug so bad.
...cr@p, now i'm crying.
i want to see T again.
but DH took me to work today, he needed the vehicle (mine's broken). i wish i could see her.
maybe i should see if i could?/? what do you think?
i still fee so raw.
i don't know if i can wait another week till next monday!
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 10:44:32
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE » rskontos, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 10:21:08
Absolutely, your T is there to help you. Just like we are.
It's just a memory, B2chica, no matter how real it may seem. It's an ugly infection that's tried and keeps trying to invade your soul. But you've kept it out, you've already beat it. Now it has got to go away. Cut that chain that keeps you bound. Everyone wants to help, but you have to tell us. This is your battlefield, and you have to tell us how to help you win. Call your T and see what you should do.
We'll drown him in a lake of lotion if that's what it takes. Take care, B2chica.
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 11:03:14
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 10:44:32
Bodhisattva, i don't know that i've met you before but i'd like to take a quick chance to say a bit welcome and a huge hello!
and your comment brings out my teen!
>>We'll drown him in a lake of lotion if that's what it takes."sorry for the explicitives below. thats just how teen is. and how she/i feel. but i struggle, cuz his is the only sibling i have. so part of me is compassionate. but after yesterday's session i must agree with teen just for now....
Teen wants him to BE THROWN INTO A PIT OF QUICKSAND FOR A SLOW F-ING DEATH....NO...NOT DEATH, JUST AT THE VERY VERY LAST SECOND SAVE HIM...BUT A SLOW AGONIZING SUFFERING THINKING....THINKING...HE HAS NO WAY OUT, NO WAY TO BE SAVED, NO ONE TO HELP HIM, LET HIM SCREAM FOR HELP, LET HIM SCREAM 'IT HURTS', LET HIM PLEAD TO STOP'.
FK HIM! PAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN THAAAAAAT A-HOLE
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 11:32:22
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE » Bodhisattva, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 11:03:14
Your anger is not misplaced. What happened put that memory of him into you was the stuff of nightmares. But now that has passed and only lives on within your mind. Always carry with you the knowledge that you are the prevailing deity in your mind. You make all the rules there.
You've already made lotion a weapon against the memory of him. Pity him, for if you have that power, you can surround yourself in miles of quicksand. Even if that obstacle can be passed you're untouchable, ethereal, always in control. Remember that, and bellow NO at the memory of him with such force that he shatters like glass.
Then pity him, for it is only the motivations of a malformed, twisted, malignant mind that would have done those things. Pity him, and know that you are obviously the better person.
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 11:38:17
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE » rskontos, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 10:21:08
Yeah, go see her if you can. Call her just to hear her voice. Even though I have an emotioal yoyo ride with mine right now I usually feel better with her than not. I mean I dread going to see her but I do usually do better with her. Today we can't make their voices ones in our heads. Nothing that works is stupid to me. I mean the things I do to get something to work well it may be stupid to others but again if it works then it works. End of story. And besides T said to do it. Right then it ain't stupid. I like to twirl my cell phone. Round and round. It makes me feel better for some reason. I rock myself. Anyway, again if you need it and it works that is all that is important unless it is drugs, illegal kinds and alchol that isn't cool. Antibaterial lotion is ok.
I think after that session another one is necessary.. so call her. Take care, and if you need me hollar, don't you like that word, hollar. very country, very basic very comforting to me. I have a shoulder for you too lean on. rk
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 11:45:37
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 11:32:22
b2c, bodhi, is right we both know that the evil one or ones are gone but the awful memories plague us. for you to remember is to be able to put it behind you. You have now survived it twice, one the living and twice the remembering. You now have ALL the power. Use it well . Tell teen that too. No more anger is necessary except to voice it so that it sets all of you free. My T says we can't silence them until they are ready to be silent. They must have their say. so work with them but remind them you are strong now that you have ALL the power not the evil ones.
I hope to be where you are cuz you are so much ahead of me you know. I am proud of you and hope to follow behind you soon enough in my progress to control these peeps. And those that hurt........to take my power back. Like you. Here is to having our own POWER again.
rk
Posted by JoniS on December 11, 2007, at 11:46:28
In reply to BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 8:06:26
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 11:52:37
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? ******CSA TRIGGE/b2c/ » Bodhisattva, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 11:45:37
you are all so very nice to me (and littleone and teen) we thank you.
i emailed my T. and hope to hear back. i'm not sure what to do/need. i want to see her but i dont know if i can. she's only available to do sessions two days this week (yesterday and today) but even if i could see her for 15min or talk to her for a while i think it would help.
or even just email back and forth with some ideas.i wish i could just leave work and maybe do some soothing things today like paint.
but i've been sick so much and missed work and i leave for holiday soon so i just can't miss anymore work.
(though i'm really not accomplishing much today...just can't seem to).
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 13:20:15
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? ******CSA TRIGGE/b2c/, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 11:52:37
i emailed her...she's home with sick kids today and can't see me. :((((((((
i'm just feeling so spacey and fragile.
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 13:33:00
In reply to cr@@@@@p, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 13:20:15
I'm feeling all alone today. Section of the office where I work all but one guy didn't make it to work today. It's pretty crappy weather today.
His job involves never being at his desk so I'm back here all alone. I look out the window, and there's all that white, bleak looking landscape. nothing stirring.
Sort of resembles a scene out of some manner of post-apocalyptic survival movie. Maybe an ice-age version of "I Am Legend"? I just sit around and wait for the creatures to come out at night.
Nah, nothing like that ever happens. I just wake up and come back here to work........<<sigh>>
How's the weather treating you where you are? If any of you are in sunny weather, why don't you bottle some up and send it my way?
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 13:49:49
In reply to Re: cr@@@@@p » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 13:33:00
its' cr@ppy weather here too. real cold, bad driving weather so DH drove me today (not cuz i can't but DH doesn't like me to drive pickup in this weather cuz he worries so much) i don't mind it, except for reasons like today. i would just leave early, except with him picking me up early i'd have to explain why and then he's argue with me saying my boss is gonna fire me...etc...etc...
i don't have the strength for that.i just wanna curl up in someones lap. someone that loves me. someone that cares.
i wanna cry to them. i want to just be loved without condition. i want to cry without telling why.
why cant i have that?i'm alone too.
b2c.
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 14:10:36
In reply to Re: cr@@@@@p, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 13:49:49
There's alot of love here for you B2chica. We care, and There's certainly no conditions for us.
Any one of us would be happy to be there to hold you while you cry. Probably cry along with you. It wouldn't matter why, because why has already been. So when you get a moment alone, shed your needed tear and think of all of us.
As a matter of fact, have fun trying to picture us. I'll help you on that. I wear glasses. How about you make me short and fat? Like a dwarf. Yes.....bald and a beard. Not like Gimli from lord of the rings....he looks too serious. But a goofy short fat dwarf....with glasses.
Yes, a dwarf hunched over a desk pounding away at the keyboard. Nestled in an office building in the middle of the snowy end of the world.
If you still need to cry with that image. Then picture me wearing a clown suit all the while.
I'd hug ya sweetie, except I'd need a ladder :P
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 14:17:57
In reply to Re: cr@@@@@p » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 14:10:36
you are so sweet. and i truly can't tell you how badly i need to be held by someone who know WHY i need to be held.
dwarf or no dwarf ((((((((((bodhi))))))))))and well...clowns kinda freak me out a bit so i wont picture you dressed like that.
maybe more like a garden gnome?seriously though.
i'm reaching out in thought and taking that hug from you. god i can't tell you how much i need it.
i'm just so sad. sad in my heart, in my head and in my whole body.
not my depression, just sad.
: ``{
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 11, 2007, at 14:36:23
In reply to Re: cr@@@@@p » Bodhisattva, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 14:17:57
garden dwarf.
Dwarves get really pissed off if you call them gnomes. :)
Ya know what always brings a smile to my face? I don't know if you have seen the movie borat ( It's a bit extreme at times. ). There's one scene that can make me laugh no matter the mood I am in.
If you don't know the story, Borat is a reporter from Khazakstan( not really ). He's arranged a meeting with a U.S. senator( A Real, unsuspecting senator ). At the beginning of the meeting Borat begins:
"Before we begin, it is customary in my country to have a[some] cheese." Borat proceeds to unwrap some mozerella looking cheese and gives a small piece to the senator who gladly accepts and eats it. Borat then continues:
"The cheese, my wife make it, with the milk from her breast."
I shot the soda I had been drinking in a horizontal line out of my nose after I first saw and heard that. I turned several different colors I laughed so hard and still today I cannot keep from at the very least smiling at the thought of the senator's face.
Obviously the cheese really wasn't made from breast-milk. But the senator was certainly convinced. :)
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2007, at 16:15:25
In reply to Re: cr@@@@@p » Bodhisattva, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 14:17:57
B2, its gonna be OK.
Its just gonna be OK.
I had T , I guess it was hard.
My T say, can I punch you :-) ?
Cuz punch in the arm is OK w/me. That is OK touch.
So she had arm punch when I left(it was WIMPY!)
Its hard, I think cuz when maybe T gives us something to our inside kid whats hurting and they need and stuff, its hard when T not there maybe.
But kid must trust T, so kid goto trust that T is there still, and she will see her again, and even tho she can't see T, T is there.
Its gonna be OK. T says nice things.
M
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 18:31:57
In reply to Re: cr@@@@@p, posted by muffled on December 11, 2007, at 16:15:25
Hi guys, sorry I had to go buy my stinking groceries after I picked up my son from school.
Man oh man the triggers, smells due it for me sometimes, I got triggers by smells on the way to get my son. then I almost got hit in the parking lot at Target. the lady gets out and apologizes. that is twice I almost get hit in a parking lot. Should I be worried.
Then I nearly lose it going to the grocery store. I am not knowing WTF is going on. I still need to buy the groceries so we can eat.
Anyway, finally make it home. Dangerous area I live in. We are all here and accounted for........
b2c I would hug you and give you a mommy hold that you never got. Everyone here would like Bodhi says. I like the description he gave you. Gnome or dwarf sounds quite cuddly if you ask me.And that breast milk cheese. Is is a hard or soft cheese ? sorry I am getting that humor thing going again. That cracked me up and I needed it after my almost accident. See why I don't want to leave my house. It isnt safe.
Muffled is right. T does give our inside kids, I think I have more than one, probably a army, something I know I haven't been able to. Probably why they maybe like them better. I dont think they, inner kids like me all that much. Heck I don't always like me. I know I dont trust me so why should they.
Anyway this is to help you b2c. I hope you are now home and feeling better. Let me know if you want to chat latter. maybe you are doing better now. I hope so....
Here is a hug from me..........(((((((((((((((((((((((((((b2c))))))))))))))))))))
rk
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2007, at 21:18:55
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday ******CSA TRIGGE » B2chica, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2007, at 11:38:17
B2, I'm so proud of you. you are so brave.
safe cyber hugs
-Ll
Posted by B2chica on December 13, 2007, at 10:46:43
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2007, at 21:18:55
thanks all.
and YES i've seen Borat....lOVED the cheese scene. forgot about that. it's really good.
reminds me of the time my DH picked up my IRL little one above his head (after eating) and she spit up right into his mouth...yep fresh breast milk...hehe we still laugh about that!
thank you bodhi.and i wish i could take those IRL hugs but cyber hugs are better than nothing i'll take as many of them as i can get right now.
i can't tell you how much i need them. i don't know why i'm so clingy?
Yesterday was sooo bad.
i called T's office twice and played songs. no say anything, jus play songs.luv you, want to tell you everything. can you hear me? i'm here now. nice to meet you all. i'm little one.people can't see me, but camie can. i wish she was my mommy. there's a girl here i want to play with but i can't, i will get in trouble. i need to hurry and run. i need to hide soon.
bye!
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 13, 2007, at 10:59:31
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday, posted by B2chica on December 13, 2007, at 10:46:43
Well hello little one. I certainly can hear you. You like to hide do you? When I was little, I used to climb high up into the trees and hide. Felt so safe up there, detached from everything. Watching people walk right under the tree and pass without noticing me high up there looking down on them. I found it more relaxing than anything. A few times, I even napped up there. Where is your favorite place to hide?
Would you give up your arms to fly?
That's what the birds have done.
I know I would.
Posted by rskontos on December 13, 2007, at 11:02:41
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday, posted by B2chica on December 13, 2007, at 10:46:43
Posted by B2chica on December 13, 2007, at 13:12:29
In reply to Re: BAAAD/good? session yesterday » B2chica, posted by Bodhisattva on December 13, 2007, at 10:59:31
i like to hide at my grandpas farm. he has a blacksmith shop. it has dirt floors that are nice and cool in the hot summer sun and the walls have cracks that let little sunshine in on my face. but i can hide under workbench in there. smells like dirt and oil. good smell. safe smell. no one ever hurts me there. no one ever finds me there. and i'm funny but i sweep it all the time.
i fly all the time but i fly when bad stuff around. i can fly in my head, can you?
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