Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2007, at 8:06:26
In reply to stuck in first gear...., posted by B2chica on December 10, 2007, at 11:27:15
had session yesterday (still only once a week, sometimes that's good but this week i wish it were more.)
this weekened my inner littleone came out at church so i had to run to the bathroom and let her talk (quietly) i tried to tell her to wait till monday session and talk with T. i was with some family (who know NOTHING about stuff) so later i was able to get away to another bathroom and call my T 1)to hear her voice and 2)to let littleone talk....BUT then she wouldn't and i tried to talk but it's like she was being stubborn and 'wouldn't come out', then before i hung up she BLARED out.
anyway
yesterday i went to session and i didn't know if littleone would be around or not but then i felt her there at work REALLY near i was trying to get composure several times.then session. i no more than sat down and littleone was there, i curled up and she started to blubber and cry and yell and tantrum a bit. she was saying how nobody liked her, no one would hug her...etc. then T offered to hug her. it felt SO nice she even rocked her a bit. then she just verbally threw up TONS of bad abuse.
AND i FINALLY told T about the actual sex (intercourse) abuse.which i'd been holding back cuz i can't seem to talk about when i'm me or feeling fine. ONLY littleone can talk about the bad stuff.
but she cried, screamed...etc. exhausting.
BUT what was really hard was when T was trying to bring me out...i COULD NOT leave the memory, it was SO REAL like it was Happening, maybe not visibly which it was some, but physically, the pain the touch, the sound. when i got out(finally) of the memory i kept squirming and she asked me what was happening, if i was uncomfortable and i finally had to tell her i felt so uncomfortable cuz i REALLY truly felt like i had no clothes on. it was SO real! so she covered me with her coat.
i was even shivering like i had nothing on!
it took pretty much the rest of the session to get me 'out' of there.
so it was pretty much an awful session. but it was good i think to finally get that sh@t out of me...(again) to her, to this T.
but no matter WHAT she said, no matter HOW hard she was talking i COULD NOT, WOULD NOT make eye contact with her. she was trying that to get me to 'come out of it' but i physically couldn't.so anyway, i'm not reading today, very fragile, just posting. though i would like to pop in to see if anyone has comments.cuz i actually have a question to those with any form of DID and are on meds.
***************************did you have any experience with how meds did/did not effect your switching?
i've noticed that on one hand i can't as easily switch which can be good if i'm (me) and don't want to switch during work or something. but yesterday during session my littleone came out, relived a HORRIBLE memory and i could NOT get out of the memory. it was So scary and sooo hard! even when littleone went back and it was me i felt like i was lingering between dimensions....
i can only guess it's the meds not allowing me the ability to switch emotions that well. was it the meds? or just that the memory was SO STRONG and so bad that it hung one?any thoughts would be appreciated.
thank you all So much for understanding.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:799903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/800095.html