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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
I'm not feeling mountains of anxiety or incredibly depressed or overwhelmed by self destructive images. So I think I'm ok.
But I just realized that my recent inability to connect to my therapist is part of a larger pattern this month.
I came off a stressful deadline, only to have my computer break two days later, which was nearly two weeks of very stressful frantic backing up and restoration. Then the stress of the holidays, then another major stress involving my dogs.
This has been a month of incredible blankness. While I might seem ok minute to minute or in conversations, my days are lacking any continuity. I'm forgetting stuff if it isn't directly in front of my face. My default mode of thought is nothingness. And I can't remember who my therapist is in any real emotional sense. Any more than I can remember anything else in my life.
I'm sure it's some stress reaction. Too much stress for this poor middle age brain to process. So my brain is in shut down mode. That's a difficult thing for me to understand, since minute by minute I seem relatively ok. My boss even said I looked better than normal. Which is really the only thing I remember yesterday that isn't shrouded in haze.
Posted by antigua3 on November 30, 2007, at 7:00:54
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
Is it an anniversary time? or anything like that?
antigua
Posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 9:06:49
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought » Dinah, posted by antigua3 on November 30, 2007, at 7:00:54
Next month will be three years since Daddy died. But I'm not so good with anniversaries. My memory is too bad to associate loss with any particular time. I miss him every day instead. Especially days that are difficult in ways I would have talked over with him.
The only anniversary that really leaves me melancholy is one dog who died on All Saints Day, and I usually just get reminded because of that horrible Halloween night. It's hard to forget Halloween.
This feels more entirely physical.
I really do think it's the result of a long period of stress. I've noticed it before, but it definitely gets worse as I get older. And of course, one effect of what happens is that I have no clear memory of other times it happens.
I was reminded on the medication board that I finally reduced to zero klonopin after ten years on at least 1 mg a day. I went down to 1/2 a few months ago, and then discontinued entirely a week or two ago. I suppose that might have something to do with it too.
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2007, at 10:26:01
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought » antigua3, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 9:06:49
Dinah, I would think a discontinuation of a med after that long would have a lot to do with it. I also find that any physical issues make mental strains worst. I am always more sensitive to depression when I feel bad. And usually after I emerge from depression I realize the physical aspects of it too.
I am not sure we realize the connection of the two. The anniversaries Antigua asked you about may upset you more than you realize in your conciousness. I mean doesn't depression hit us first and then it takes a while to recognize it so just because your memory is bad and you don't associate the loss with a particular time doesn't mean your subconciseness isn't aware of it.
I am not sure i am making sense. I hope so. I just mean it might mean alot to you and youve buried it. And it physical and mental. Just something to ponder.
I hope you feel better soon.
rk
sorry my spelling is off today
Posted by Muffled on November 30, 2007, at 11:38:55
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
Well FWIW I do the same.
I been SO zoned latelty. Hard to know what day of the week. I dunno how many people I've said to...sorry, my brain seems to have fallen out this week...
I can do small stuff, and some stuff OK, but in a general sense I can't think. I am on autopilot or something. I am getting very little done.
I may have a virus too, AGAIN. My health book says for (shhh 'y'know DIARREAH!!! Ack! Sssshhhhhh!)that it can be most commonly caused by: flu, meds, for some, food intolerance, emotional stress, anxiety....
So I dunno...
But anyways, can you think of self soothing things to do? Are there ways to reduce the stress in your life? Will it help you to talk about it on babble, or even better IRL? Our lives will never be smooth all the time, there will always be rough patches, so maybe you are not so much, 'not well', as just having a rough patch. You are getting indidcators that maybe there are things you should change if you can, if you cannot, then self soothe, allow others to help, give yourself a break......and go on.
I hope it can be better for you soon Dinah.
M
Posted by annierose on November 30, 2007, at 13:31:51
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
I hope you feel better soon. It's a busy time of year and hard to keep oneself grounded.
Relationships rarely substain a perfect connection throughout time. The ebb and flows are to be expected, although difficult to navigate.
Posted by star008 on November 30, 2007, at 16:05:21
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
Dinah,,
It seems to me that you are very stressed out.. That is the reason for the blankness.. Going through the motions each day..But you end up feeling empty in the end. Disconnected.. hang in there.. this will pass
hugs
Posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
I don't know that I'm ready to talk about it yet. I don't know if I'm ready for sympathy even. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm not.
Briefly, my 17 year old blind deaf 6 pound dog is dead, as a result of injuries suffered in an attack by my five month old puppy. And since I have two other very small dogs I don't know what to do.
And I'm not sure if I should post this, because it's way way too raw to even think about.
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2007, at 16:52:13
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
You dont have to say another word as I too would be too raw....
I am so very sorry.......let us know when you want to talk.....options if that is something you need help on...rk
Posted by star008 on November 30, 2007, at 17:16:21
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
Of course you feel blank and stressed.. You lost one of your fur babies.. It is terrible and I am so sorry for your loss.. You will have to watch the other two like a mama bear now. Wish there was something I could say;(
Posted by Raindancer on November 30, 2007, at 19:16:14
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
I'm so sorry Dinah. You are very much cared about and will be in my thoughts.
Posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2007, at 21:30:56
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
i'm thinking about you.
will be here if you need me.
seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 23:42:28
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought » antigua3, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 9:06:49
Dinah skipped for now after reading that you just cut your klonopin with all the stress up it back til after the holidays and after you process the stresses you've been going though. Check it out with your pdoc too. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 23:48:48
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2007, at 23:42:28
Dinah I read them all. Now I know. My heart is in my feet. Sorry isn't strong enough for how I feel. Love Phillipa
Posted by Muffled on December 1, 2007, at 11:13:49
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
The old one is at peace.
He has a new heavenly body.
Maybe he is dancing on clouds now with my puppies too.
That must have been very hard for you.
Animals.
Sigh.
Hope you can feel some better soon.
Don't worry bout what to do right now.
It just is.
There is no fault. Animals are animals. Boy have I ever learned that one....the hard way too.
Just allow yourself to grieve.
Cuz its hard.
Let others in to grieve with you.
I'm so sorry Dinah.
Muffled
Posted by JoniS on December 1, 2007, at 13:01:18
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
Posted by Phillipa on December 1, 2007, at 18:03:49
In reply to Dinah, so sorry, ditto Muff above (((Dinah))x777 (nm) » Dinah, posted by JoniS on December 1, 2007, at 13:01:18
Dinah also google rainbow's bridge about the fourth one down has music you will cry but it's a good cry. Phillipa
Posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 0:48:16
In reply to I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 6:46:53
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in the dissociation haze. I've been protecting myself up in the clouds since October, I think. I'm a bit worried that I'm not doing things I should but then I forget to stay worried...
It is hard to be in the black hole again, especially this time of year. I went shopping today for new shoes and forgot what color I was looking for. So I bought two pairs. *sigh*
Take care of yourself.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2007, at 17:07:26
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2007, at 16:44:42
As I so frequently say, but never quite believe, our bodies really aren't made to exist at a stage of extreme distress forever. Life does go on, as little as it seems that's right for life to go on sometimes.
Eventually I'll forget the sights and sensations involved, and will hopefully remember instead the seventeen years of life, not the death. She was an inspiration to me really. She had such a happy life in the last years. Everything was such a challenge, yet one that she could meet. So finding the food or water or me was a celebration for her. She never fussed about what she couldn't do, just enjoyed the small pleasures of her life as it was. I wish I was as well adjusted.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2007, at 17:15:35
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm as well as I thought » Dinah, posted by Daisym on December 2, 2007, at 0:48:16
I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but you're right of course. I've been in such a series of adrenaline rushes and stresses since late summer. It makes sense that I'd protect myself with a dissociative haze. Try to give myself a chance to recover.
Of course, that causes it's own problems and likely leads to future adrenaline rushes.
Christmas. I think I might actually enjoy it this year. I need to do some Christmas shopping. It will likely be a very quiet Christmas except for having my mother over for a few hours. I like quiet Christmases I think.
I have so much trouble remembering things that aren't current. Feeling disconnected with my therapist makes me feel like I'll always feel that way. Even though I was able to cry for the first time in his office Friday, I still am having trouble maintaining warm positive feelings toward him. On the other hand, I bothered him over the weekend for no good reason really, just to bring him up to date and apologize for my poor temper. And he was really very nice about it. Reassuring me that being angry with the world was an appropriate way to feel, and not minding at all being called. And since I'd turned down an offered hug with very poor grace, I think that was darn nice of him.
Have you ever experienced that a hug makes you fall apart rather than strengthens or comforts you? That happened at my father's funeral, and now I'm a bit afraid to hug while I'm upset.
This is the end of the thread.
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