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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
Because lately (months?) I just can't.
I won't.
I don't.
Yet I really, really, really, REALLY need to.I read everything. I love you guys - such an amazing group of wonderful and brave people. I follow stories, lives, T. issues, I think of things to say, I cry, smile, laugh, but - do not post. I just can't. Why? frozen, just frozen??????
Am I lazy? Maybe...don't know the difference most of the time in my life between lazy and paralyzed. Can't and won't get all mixed up for me. I feel I often use 'paralyzed' as a big excuse for lazy :-( Never thought I was a lazy person, my T. says no, you are not 'lazy,' but I'm not sure. It's all pretty confusing.
Nothing new - except it didn't used to apply to posting. Just to cleaning house, or making a phone call, taking care of regular life-stuff...typical ADD/ADHD issues (can't start, can't finish, procrastinate everything) that are soooooo hard to overcome long term. Now, posting, too? Sometimes I hate my dumb, defective brain.
For example, I've been trying to write this post for at least a month.
I want to support others. I want to be a part of this place. I want to feel okay about asking for help sometimes, but I can't seem to shake off this inability to post anything. I'm already anxious if I actually submit this, I'll be a 'failure' and 'rude,' if I get some replies and don't answer them quickly enough, etc. Because when I get frozen into inaction, I can't even post a post (like some do here) saying, "sorry, I'll reply later, can't right now." Nope - not even that. I know others understand, but still. I don't understand my own strange frozenness. (< maybe not a real word, but I like it)
I'm getting a little scared, because I have to face something next year that I can hardly bear to think about, but that I desperately want to share here. You know how many of us have wonderful T's, who we are bonded/attached to, doing good work with, but we are so often scared to death they will sometime, somehow leave us? Whether by sudden termination, sickness, retirement...something awful we can't control...and of course, waaaaaay before we are ready to finish therapy (some of us never wish to 'finish' - therapy for life - sounds good to me)?
That would be me, too. My T. is just the right T. for me and I love him. We have come so far and have so far to go and for 2.5+ years he's been dependable, kind, trustworthy, smart - everything I need that's helping me grow and overcome fears and hurts. Our relationship, even with rough spots, has steadily gotten better and I see a difference in the depth of topics in session. So that should be 'all good,' right?
Well, here's the twist. Next year, I am going to have to leave my therapist. I can hardly believe it, but there's no way around it, it seems - I am going to have to move across the country. (I just can't say the details of why right now - which is not a bad reason, it just all hurts so much today - please have patience)
The irony is huge - I could not have imagined *I* would every voluntarily leave *him.* Some days I can't even comprehend I will really do this, but in the end, I'm afraid I will - 95% sure. And even though this won't be for about 6-7 months from now, the anticipatory grief is already dominating my life. I cry every day imagining leaving him. It's unthinkable I would "do this to myself," yet I will.
Anyway, I need to post - for all of you AND for myself, especially now. I might have something good to say sometimes. But I wait so long (frozen) that all is already said, and I feel useless...or something. I dunno what's the obstacle. That's why I keep coming back around to the idea of lazy. I guess if at least I've written and posted this, that's a new beginning....?
scared nervous anxious confused - 10der
Posted by RealMe on September 16, 2007, at 18:28:30
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
Posted by arora on September 16, 2007, at 18:55:32
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
10der-
I do not think you are lazy.
Sometimes, there is only so much of us to give around...
There is a word that isn't used very much in our western culture, and that's spirit. I do think that our spirits can become depleted just as much as our physical energy can- but we don't recognize or honor that.
When we are in places where we are struggling to sort out our own stuff, we often want to help people with their 'stuff', too- 'cos we know what it's like to struggle. But then we're left with not enough strength to deal with our stuff, and then we feel bad- we think we've let others down, and then it leaves us with even less energy for ourselves.... And it just goes round in circles.Always thinking we OUGHT to do more, but then the guilt drags us down- we do less... feel worse.... etc. etc.!
You are not a failure. You are not rude. You are doing what you can, at this place and time.
If you had the 'flu, and someone asked you to run a marathon for them, you would know you couldn't do it!
So, if you've got a lot to deal with, then that's what you need to do. Sometimes you just have to look after your inner stuff first... and that's the spiritual side of it. Just because you can't see it or touch it, doesn't make it any less important. Spirit needs you to sit quietly and listen sometimes, to give it time to heal. It's not frozen- just in a waiting place... getting better and stronger until it can take a step.arora
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 16, 2007, at 19:36:00
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
I'm so sorry, 10der. I've missed your posts, but I completely understand the "frozenness." If that's not a word, it should be.
Try to post if you think it will help. You have a lot of challenges coming up in the next year or so. I think we Babblers can help you through at least some of that if you'll let us.
Take care of yourself, okay?
Posted by RealMe on September 16, 2007, at 21:57:08
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
I am really sorry; I must have hit the wrong button. I am a real goof today. I sent a long post, but suffice it to say that I agree with the others, just post when you can and feel okay; if there is something you want to say, but you feel you don't know what to say, well go ahead and say just that.
I think I wrote a long thing on therapists and leavings and what is the best thing to do. I have wished I had not left my therapist at Menninger's and come back to IL with my husband as he wanted. But I did. I sort of wish I had said, well I will see you later. He wanted to do this two year neuropsych program which he did. But, he could have commutted weekly to Chicago like I did for grad school, but he didn't want to. He wanted to be there during the week, all week, and so I should have said, "fine; see you on the weekend." But I didn't. I have a good T now, but the one before was not so good for me. I hope that you think of number one first when you make the decision to move or not and give up your T.
RealMe
Posted by muffled on September 16, 2007, at 22:31:36
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
my brain is froze right now.
Tired.
But I HAVE missed your postings.
But thats OK.
Cuz I am like that too sometimes.
You got some real good replies here.
Anyhow , post, not post, little post big post, happy post, sad post, any post or no post.....you still my babblefriend 10der, and whatever you do is OK by me.
Do what you can.
I always will wish you the best.
I look forward to the possibility of seeing more posts from you :-)
Take care,
M
Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2007, at 9:04:46
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
Don't worry that we'll be upset about your posts or replies. I'm always happy to see you, but I won't judge you if you don't reply right away, or post a lot. Do what's right for you.
I think I have an inkling of what you're feeling. A year or so ago when I was planning to move, I would get absolutely hysterical at being the one who was leaving. It was worse, I think, than when he all but left me. Even though our relationship was at a pretty low point at the time, it was unbelievably hard. I can't imagine what it would be like if our relationship was good at the time.
But if your situation is anything like mine, I wasn't really doing it to myself. It was a result of exterior conditions and exterior pressures. It wasn't a capricious decision. And I'm sure yours isn't either.
((((10der))))
Posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2007, at 14:55:15
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
When you move you will miss your therapist. That's for sure.
But you know enough about therapy and about therapists to find yourself a good therapist in your new town. They are not interchangable, but that doesn't mean that two different therapists can't be helpful to you at two different times. What you have learned with this therapist will make it easier to find and connect to a new therapist.
But you may always miss your current one.
Posted by antigua3 on September 17, 2007, at 18:37:32
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
There's no easy way to say it: That really STINKS! AFter all the work you've done, I can only imagine how hard this might be. And, of course, if you're anything like me, now you will be consumed by this and won't be able to do regular therapy!! Maybe you're smarter than I am...
I am just really sorry,
antigua
Posted by pegasus on September 17, 2007, at 21:06:14
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
Hey 10der,
I'm so sorry that you have to leave your T, and that you have so much trouble posting here sometimes. I can only speak for myself, but I don't think poorly of anyone who doesn't reply to everyone, etc. We have different abilities to participate here, for a lot of reasons, and that's totally ok.
I'm wondering whether there is any chance that you could continue seeing your T after you move, via phone sessions. I know a couple of people who have done that after moving away from their long term Ts. One of my friends has done weekly therapy with a T in another state for years. I know phone therapy doesn't work for all Ts and all clients, and that there are therapists everywhere so it sounds kind of unnecessary. But I also know that agony of losing such an important person. I know that the attachment you've developed to your T is healthy and helpful, and you can't actually transfer that to another T. Although you can build it again.
Just wanted to throw that out there. When my old T moved away, we stopped doing any therapy, and I was devastated. But more recently when we did a couple of phone sessions, we both agreed that it would have been better if I'd kept working with him via the phone for a while after he left. That's where I'm coming from with this.
Anyway, I send my wishes to you for a successful and satisfying termination. I'm glad that you have some time left to work through some of it. And that it's for a positive reason.
peg
Posted by Daisym on September 18, 2007, at 0:53:10
In reply to Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long), posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
(((Tender)))
I do not believe you are lazy. Frozen seems like a much better description. A very wise person said to me recently, "you are so hard on yourself." I think this applies to you too.
There are nights when I really want to post but I'm just too exhausted. There are other times when I don't know what to say or everyone has said it better. Sometimes I'm triggered, depressed or jealous. All these feelings get in the way of coherent sentences.
But then it cycles around and I can type again. Words seem to make sense and I have the courage to hit the send button. I give support. I whine on line. I allow others to feel my hurt. I write way to much when I cycle into this part.
I think most Babblers would agree that we don't keep score. Some people post often -- others drop in from time to time. It is all OK. I don't think there is any requirement to answer everyone who writes to you. Write when you can and what you want.
I really feel how sad you are about this move. I can only imagine how you've agonized over the decision. But out of the 168 hours in a week, staying for 2 or 3 "good" hours hardly makes sense if this move is as necessary as it sounds to be. I, of all people, know how essential a life line your therapist is. But the work you are doing is about going forward into your life, not staying stuck because you don't want to leave therapy.
I imagine your therapist is as sad to lose you as a client. He cares about you and will help you with this transition.
I'm glad you felt you could return here for support. Babble is always open...we'll leave the light on for you.
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2007, at 7:57:36
In reply to Re: Need to post here **leaving T. trigger**(long) » 10derheart, posted by pegasus on September 17, 2007, at 21:06:14
I like that idea.
My therapist and I agreed to do that when I was planning our move. In our particular case we knew it would never ever work because he does awful phonework and we both knew it. But if a therapist is better on the phone, it could help a lot during the transition.
This is the end of the thread.
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