Posted by 10derheart on September 16, 2007, at 17:05:22
Because lately (months?) I just can't.
I won't.
I don't.
Yet I really, really, really, REALLY need to.I read everything. I love you guys - such an amazing group of wonderful and brave people. I follow stories, lives, T. issues, I think of things to say, I cry, smile, laugh, but - do not post. I just can't. Why? frozen, just frozen??????
Am I lazy? Maybe...don't know the difference most of the time in my life between lazy and paralyzed. Can't and won't get all mixed up for me. I feel I often use 'paralyzed' as a big excuse for lazy :-( Never thought I was a lazy person, my T. says no, you are not 'lazy,' but I'm not sure. It's all pretty confusing.
Nothing new - except it didn't used to apply to posting. Just to cleaning house, or making a phone call, taking care of regular life-stuff...typical ADD/ADHD issues (can't start, can't finish, procrastinate everything) that are soooooo hard to overcome long term. Now, posting, too? Sometimes I hate my dumb, defective brain.
For example, I've been trying to write this post for at least a month.
I want to support others. I want to be a part of this place. I want to feel okay about asking for help sometimes, but I can't seem to shake off this inability to post anything. I'm already anxious if I actually submit this, I'll be a 'failure' and 'rude,' if I get some replies and don't answer them quickly enough, etc. Because when I get frozen into inaction, I can't even post a post (like some do here) saying, "sorry, I'll reply later, can't right now." Nope - not even that. I know others understand, but still. I don't understand my own strange frozenness. (< maybe not a real word, but I like it)
I'm getting a little scared, because I have to face something next year that I can hardly bear to think about, but that I desperately want to share here. You know how many of us have wonderful T's, who we are bonded/attached to, doing good work with, but we are so often scared to death they will sometime, somehow leave us? Whether by sudden termination, sickness, retirement...something awful we can't control...and of course, waaaaaay before we are ready to finish therapy (some of us never wish to 'finish' - therapy for life - sounds good to me)?
That would be me, too. My T. is just the right T. for me and I love him. We have come so far and have so far to go and for 2.5+ years he's been dependable, kind, trustworthy, smart - everything I need that's helping me grow and overcome fears and hurts. Our relationship, even with rough spots, has steadily gotten better and I see a difference in the depth of topics in session. So that should be 'all good,' right?
Well, here's the twist. Next year, I am going to have to leave my therapist. I can hardly believe it, but there's no way around it, it seems - I am going to have to move across the country. (I just can't say the details of why right now - which is not a bad reason, it just all hurts so much today - please have patience)
The irony is huge - I could not have imagined *I* would every voluntarily leave *him.* Some days I can't even comprehend I will really do this, but in the end, I'm afraid I will - 95% sure. And even though this won't be for about 6-7 months from now, the anticipatory grief is already dominating my life. I cry every day imagining leaving him. It's unthinkable I would "do this to myself," yet I will.
Anyway, I need to post - for all of you AND for myself, especially now. I might have something good to say sometimes. But I wait so long (frozen) that all is already said, and I feel useless...or something. I dunno what's the obstacle. That's why I keep coming back around to the idea of lazy. I guess if at least I've written and posted this, that's a new beginning....?
scared nervous anxious confused - 10der
poster:10derheart
thread:783292
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/783292.html