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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2007, at 17:18:57
I think I'm going to take a short break.
I'm sure I'll get over it soon.
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 3, 2007, at 20:52:38
In reply to I hate therapy and I don't want to think about it, posted by Dinah on August 3, 2007, at 17:18:57
Sorry, Dinah.
Feel free to share specifics when you're ready (and if you think it will help).
((((Dinah))))
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:52:24
In reply to Re: I hate therapy and I don't want to think about it » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on August 3, 2007, at 20:52:38
It's nothing really in particular. Just the frequent post therapy headache laid me up for the rest of the day, and I really couldn't afford that workwise.
And it was a session of misattunement. Poorly placed looks of surprise that hurt my feelings. He couldn't hear me, and when he could he didn't understand what I was saying. He was badly distracted, for the second time in two weeks, by his personal life.
And the capper was that he had mistaken me for another client. When he told me with a smile that he was fond of me, I thought he told me that because he knew it would please me. It made me feel special. But in reality, he told me that with a smile because he thought it would infuriate me. He had confused me with a client who detests the word fond, and was teasing me. I made the mistake of mentioning it today as one of the reasons for finally being able to feel his caring (since he had been surprised a couple of sessions ago when I said I did finally feel his caring). So now I feel like an idiot. I feel ashamed for taking it at face value. And I'm angry with myself for bringing it up. If I hadn't I wouldn't have known that he had confused me with another client, and I wouldn't have embarrassed myself by letting him know that I thought he meant it.
Or maybe he did mean it in a way. But I'm still embarrassed.
I did tell him that he wasn't supposed to confuse me with other clients (or at least wasn't supposed to tell me if he did). Very bad form. And I apologized for speaking too softly and in a way he couldn't understand. He said those were little things, and he wasn't angry with me over them. I didn't say anything about the stuff like surprise in the wrong place, because really what was there to say. :(
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:56:48
In reply to Re: I hate therapy and I don't want to think about » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:52:24
Oh, and when we came in, before he even sat down, I felt something different about him and was trying to figure out what it was.
He laughed and said that I looked like a dog cocking his head at his master (I didn't hear the rest of that sentence, or chose not to remember it, one of the two). I guess it was another of my weird ways.
I didn't answer him directly, but told him he felt distracted, and listened while he thought that out and agreed. Then I asked him if I had him now (I assume he knew I meant if I had his attention in session now), and he said that he didn't know and time would tell.
It wasn't his best session.
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:58:42
In reply to Re: I hate therapy and I don't want to think about, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:56:48
I don't want anything bad to happen because I said that.
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 4, 2007, at 9:28:20
In reply to Re: I hate therapy and I don't want to think about, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:56:48
Definitely not his best session. I'm sorry.
I hate those off sessions. It seems so hard to believe, this person who is seemingly so connected to you and knows you better than anyone else and then suddenly you wonder if they've ever MET you before.
I don't get how sessions get this off, but it happens to me, too. And more often than not lately.
I hope he gets back on track with you soon.
Posted by annierose on August 4, 2007, at 10:16:55
In reply to But I take back the subject line, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 8:58:42
the relationship itself certainly has its ebbs and flows and I feel is so loaded with emotional intensity that rational thinking just gets tossed out the window.
I try to take the ebbs in stride but I do like to explore them ... to see if its me or her or both.
Just like any relationship, you can't keep it at the same level all the time.
Posted by Honore on August 4, 2007, at 12:07:07
In reply to Re: But I take back the subject line, posted by annierose on August 4, 2007, at 10:16:55
Sorry he was so very much more inapt than before-- but probably his mistakes and confusions add up to his being uncomfortable with how fond he is of you-- and how special to him you are.
Often people become confused and misspeak when they're conflicted about what they're feeling-- he isn't used to having such intense feelings about patients-- and it has gotten to him-- So he says it, and unsays it at the same time-- leaving you hurt and feeling undercut-- and somehow protecting himself from the feelings he really has.
I'm so sorry that ended up hurting you-- and that comment about the dog and its master-- ugh! obviously some sort of further expression of discomfort-- but puhlease-- where does he get off with comments like that.
(Imo, he needs to get analyzed-- he's not careful and conscious enough enough about what he feels and says. That was pretty bad, no matter what caused it.)
You are special though Dinah and so worthy of respect and carefulness. I'm sure he wishes to do the best for you, but I guess he's got problems with that, himself-- perhaps next time he can be more attuned to himself and you. Perhaps he can see his way to understanding more of what he did, and to undoing that, too.
Honore
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 15:45:50
In reply to Re: But I take back the subject line » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on August 4, 2007, at 9:28:20
I suspect that your therapist, like mine, has too much on their personal plate right now to be at their best.
I think that this is one of two sessions in the past two weeks that he probably should have canceled. Canceling a session isn't good, but sometimes it's better than going forward when you really aren't up to it. Maybe it's hard for him to tell in advance, since sometimes he does very good work when he's upset. :(
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 15:52:34
In reply to Re: But I take back the subject line, posted by annierose on August 4, 2007, at 10:16:55
I'm thinking this ebb is mostly him. He's under a fair amount of pressure right now. I wish I could help him, and I'd be happy to listen, but therapy isn't really set up so that I can. Hopefully things will resolve themselves into a version of normality soon.
But it might be partly me too. With the insurance company denying my provigil again, I'm worried that I won't be able to keep doing my job, in which case I'll have to cut way back on therapy even if I don't lose it entirely. Obviously it would be easier to do that if I were angry with him.
And the greater part of the session involved me grappling with something that was wordless, and that I didn't understand. I think I probably got angry and frustrated because of that too.
But being so hung over from that afterwards also troubles me. I just can't afford to be out of commission from therapy.
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 16:10:18
In reply to Re: But I take back the subject line--Dinah, posted by Honore on August 4, 2007, at 12:07:07
Argh. I lost my post.
I would agree that he is not at all conscious enough of what he says and does. But that's one of the things I tend to like about him. He's so transparent.
It can hurt sometimes.
I think in most ways he's comfortable with feeling differently about me than most of his clients. He knows it's something that we've developed over time, and he thinks it's natural.
But sometimes I think the fact that he cares about me and he knows I care about him is one more responsibility and stress when he's already feeling overwhelmed. And then it might make him angry.
He might also have been annoyed that I noted his mood and commented on it. Maybe he feels like he gives what he can, and he wishes I'd just take it on face value. My husband likes that I do that sometimes, but sometimes it annoys him. As a therapist, he probably comes down more on the side of being annoyed. I probably should keep it to myself. I get too upset when he doesn't feel like himself.
Posted by Dinah on August 6, 2007, at 22:07:15
In reply to Re: But I take back the subject line--Dinah » Honore, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2007, at 16:10:18
I'm mostly angry because I'm embarrassed, almost ashamed. Because something he said to me that I took one way, he meant another. And that thing was so important to me that I shifted my view of him. And now I feel embarrassed that I mistook things.
And when he looked surprised... He had said that if this stuff was easy, I wouldn't need to come twice a week. And I smiled and said of course I would. And he looked surprised, and I was surprised, because I thought that was so well known by both of us it was a given.
So I'm ashamed and embarrassed and don't want to go back. And the worst part is (and the best part is) that he won't even remember any of it.
Posted by Tamar on August 9, 2007, at 20:50:30
In reply to I have to be honest though, posted by Dinah on August 6, 2007, at 22:07:15
> So I'm ashamed and embarrassed and don't want to go back. And the worst part is (and the best part is) that he won't even remember any of it.I don't know what was said. But I know that shame is awful... And I also know that your therapist wouldn't shame you deliberately. Or at least, he doesn't want to say or do things that cause you shame.
And I can totally identify with the idea that he won't remember any of it. But isn't therapy partly about being being able to remind him of what he has said? And to give him a chance to rephrase it, or explain what he really meant?
Dinah, there isn't a single thing about you that deserves shame. You are one of the most caring, wonderful people I've ever met (even though we've never met in person). If someone doesn't understand you, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with *you*.
Love,
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on August 9, 2007, at 20:58:23
In reply to Re: I have to be honest though » Dinah, posted by Tamar on August 9, 2007, at 20:50:30
It is soooo good to see you.
I did bring it up with him. His answers weren't terribly conclusive. Therapist-speak. I hate it. I'm glad he doesn't use it often. But clearly he's back to saying "care for" instead of fond. grrrrr.
I think mainly he was upset that I wanted to never come back, and didn't fully process that I did indeed come back. And told him about it.
I'm not sure if this is related to the shame attacks I've been having this week. But I did reach out to him when I started having them and called him. Not because I thought he could do anything, but because I know I've been shutting him out by downing a risperdal instead of calling him between sessions, and I wanted to reach out. I think he was glad of that.
So maybe the shame feelings to do with this are part of some bigger thing. :(
But how are you doing? I think of you so often and wonder how you are.
Dinah
This is the end of the thread.
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