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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:23:50
I sent T an after appt fax last week(Tues.).
Then sent her another mixed one on Sun.
Then I just sent her one today that says,
'see ya, been a slice' I bolting. Bye.
I added some helpful hints as to what I thot was good in T in point form, for her info.
Thats it.
I done.
Was supposed to go next Tues.
NOPE.
Haven't heard nuttin from her.
Hope all is OK w/her family.
So I just not going, but my fax was reasonably clear I think, so she knows and can fill the spot, which was why I wanted to send fax today, cuz lotsa times she not in on Fri.
Done.
Guess I don't belong here no more :-(
No T.
M
Posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:47:58
In reply to So , thats it., posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:23:50
and its not that I don't like her.
I got mixed feelings cuz its hard.
But I don't think she can do no more for me.
She did good at what she did do.
But we can go no further.
She don't 'get' dissociation.
I can't seem to explain it very good.
So she's lost as to what to do and flounders.
And so I shut up, cuz I not feel understood, and I nervous.
Safety becomes an issue.
Nowhere is safe. I was starting to think mebbe T was safe, but its not really, not to me.
So I Done.
Maybe I do OK.
Save $$$.
I have my skills I have learned.
Maybe this is the best I can do.
I mean w/T, I hope to somehow continue to improve.
Guess the only thing i pissed bout is she a xstian T, and she said she would do reading w/me, and she sorta did, and I struggling like hell w/religion, and she knows it, and I kinda hinted at it again, that mebbe we could do bible stuff together some,in the summer, but she just totally weren't going there.
I think she not got alotta use for me really. I think any shine I had was dulled upon her knowing how nuts I am.
Now I think mebbe she just wants to extricate herself from me.
But she SO nice, that she doing it in the nicest of ways.
But I KNOW.
I OK on surface, but best to have some walls I suspect, and hide the bad.
Show the good only.
Then people think you SO wonderful.
I got lotsa wonderful, but I got lotsa bad too....
I mixed up.
M
Posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 0:07:15
In reply to Re: So , thats it., posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:47:58
So this is regarding self injury, so don't read on if your triggered by such, cuz I kinda a nasty S injurer...:-(
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So really, I am trying to understand my motivations here...
I been really wanting to SI a bad one.
For awhile.
I known for awhile I got to quit T.
I know for awhile she tired of me.
I worried some bout my physical health.
I getting way fat. I always been thin, but no more. Just getting steadily fatter and more tired and in pain.
Its summer and kids around all the time so I don't get much alone time.
I got ALOT to do that I not getting done, and I getting stressed by it.
My inside people are not happy. I have pushed them down as hard as I can. And when someone pops up, I shove em down again.
So I want to punch a wall until
this
is
so
SICKO
but I want
to punch a wall
until
my
hand
breaks.
:-(
Then I can look at it, over and over and feel...???But mebbe it'll make me feel strong? Tough? I can take it?
Yaeh, NOTHING bothers me? I feel NO pain?
F*ck you world?
Its on my mind so much.
I already got arthritis.
I keep thinking its maybe cuz I want to hurt my T?
But I not gonna likely see her again, we rarely cross paths outside of T.
So mebbe I want to punish?
Or just let hurt escape?
I DON'T know.
Wish I did cuz then mebbe I could deal w/it, cuz its REALLY annoying.
That and I keep wanting to drink.
Drinking is death to me.
:-(
I am such a freak.
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 6, 2007, at 6:40:35
In reply to So , thats it., posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:23:50
Of course you belong here, Muffled. It's not a requirement that you be in therapy to be here. And we would miss you terribly.
I'm sorry it's so very hard.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 6, 2007, at 6:42:50
In reply to SI ***Trigger**, posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 0:07:15
NOT a freak, Muffled. Just scared and alone and having a hard time.
I wish I could make it better.
Posted by Honore on July 6, 2007, at 9:24:44
In reply to So , thats it., posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:23:50
No, you do belong here. You always will belong here, as long as you want to. Psych is for psych-minded people, and that's always you.
I'm sorry your T doesn't get you, and doesn't get dissociation. Maybe she doesn't feel as negative as you think right now.
But maybe, instead of SI, you need a new T, who knows more about dissociation, and isn't lost in your world. That is, if you now-T is and can't find her way.
(((Muffly))) (((belonging here)))
Honore
Posted by LadyBug on July 6, 2007, at 9:58:24
In reply to SI ***Trigger**, posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 0:07:15
(((((MUFFLED)))))))
I don't know nothing about disassociation but I do know that if I had it and needed T to help me with it, I'd want to have a T that could work with it.
So maybe you are making a good choice by ending your work for now with your T. Maybe you can find someone that knows how to help you with this.
I'm so sorry you feel so much pain. I hope you don't do anything that would hurt you or your family. You do belong here and we want you here. You add so much. I'm thinking about you and hoping you're ok. Keep us posted, I worry about you.
LadyBug
Posted by sunnydays on July 6, 2007, at 11:20:30
In reply to Re: So , thats it., posted by muffled on July 5, 2007, at 23:47:58
((((((((((((muffled)))))))))))))))))
Take heart in knowing that my T didn't understand what dissociation was like for me for ages and ages either. It took tons of explaining. But it did help me to keep trying to explain it, because I figured it out for myself too.
You must be hurting a lot now. Take good good care of yourself. Let yourself rest for a while. Maybe some day you'll be ready to go back, to this T or a different one.
Be safe,
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 6, 2007, at 12:11:19
In reply to Re: So , thats it. » muffled, posted by sunnydays on July 6, 2007, at 11:20:30
Muff ((((((((((((((((((muff)))))))))))))))))))
Your inner badness is somehow invisible to me. I've yet to see a trace of it anywhere. I'm not quite sure how it could rub off on me or anyone else. Stick around and maybe you'll figure out a way to make therapy work with your life.
Sounds like somehow the tables got turned- you feel that instead of T helping you, you're helping T understand you. Since she's not ready to understand you, you don't see how she's going to be able to help you. And then you want to SHOW her how bad the dissociation feeling is-- a demonstration of what it means to hurt in a way that feels lonely, isolating.
You're not alone muffled- maybe I understand a little bit, and another babbler understands another little bit. Together maybe we understand a lot, or at least we can plead ignorance and support you nonetheless.
Maybe you feel like your body has forsaken you, but remember that you own your body. Your Self lives inside of your body and your body asks to be treated respectfully. A lot of pain goes away when we start being kind to our bodies. baby steps?
I know that the summertime is stressful for parents. Kids are whiny and seem to demand constant amusement. Fatigue. I can only imagine...
Just wanted to let you know that I'm here. Rant away. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Just because you're feeling like crap doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean that you deserve less support
no need to respond to this post- it takes a lot of energy to respond sometimes
take care (((((((((xoxoxo muffled)))))))))
Posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 14:01:03
In reply to Re: SI ***Trigger** » muffled, posted by LadyBug on July 6, 2007, at 9:58:24
(((((Babblers))))
THANKS.
This termination stuff all sucks.
I been going to this T 1/wk for a coupla years? Cept for asst holidays.
Its weird.
I'm pissed yet i miss her.
Damn.
Wonder why she hasn't said nothing?
Guess I won't miss the confusion over the phone calls.
Guess I won't miss the angst of it all.
I will read these posts MANY times.
Thanks.
Posted by Dinah on July 6, 2007, at 15:05:28
In reply to SI ***Trigger**, posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 0:07:15
Awwww, Muffled.
Are you sure about this termination? Did you take an internal poll? I know that logically sometimes I think stopping therapy is the smartest thing I could do. But if I (or anyone else) takes any steps in that direction, my emotions erupt in a way that is none too pretty. I get kind of angry about it, until I realize that really if I don't allow any other form of expression, and only allow tantrums to get my attention, then I'm really just asking for tantrums, you know? So I do my very best to listen without tantrums being necessary.
(My therapist taught me that.)
Are you letting all of you speak their mind, and taking all of you seriously? Your therapist worked long and hard to gain the trust of parts of you that never really wanted to trust, and did a reasonably good job of it, didn't she? Wouldn't it be natural for those parts of you to be kind of angry?
And angry that she hasn't contacted you either....
My therapist never contacted me after the many times I quit. He said it wouldn't have been right of him to contact me. But he welcomed me when I came crawling back. (Or storming back, depending on how you look at it.)
Posted by fayeroe on July 6, 2007, at 21:06:15
In reply to (((((Hugs)))(((((support))))((((understanding)))), posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 14:01:03
> (((((Babblers))))
> THANKS.
> This termination stuff all sucks.
> I been going to this T 1/wk for a coupla years? Cept for asst holidays.
> Its weird.
> I'm pissed yet i miss her.
> Damn.
> Wonder why she hasn't said nothing?
> Guess I won't miss the confusion over the phone calls.
> Guess I won't miss the angst of it all.
> I will read these posts MANY times.
> Thanks.{{{{Muffled}}}} you belong here. i always read your posts and learn something.
i'm sorry that you are hurting and i want you to know that i want you to take good care of yourself. i remember summertime...four kids...it's hard.
please talk to us and lean on our shoulders......xoxoxox fayeroe
Posted by Poet on July 7, 2007, at 12:13:22
In reply to (((((Hugs)))(((((support))))((((understanding)))), posted by muffled on July 6, 2007, at 14:01:03
Hi Muffled,
You don't have to be in therapy to be on this board, so don't leave us because you left your T. I only quit therapy once (so far) and my T didn't contact me, she said she'd leave the door open and I crawled back through it two weeks later.
I didn't see her this last week because of the 4th of July holiday, and other than panic at work, I think I did okay without her. Maybe its time to go every other week? Don't know. Anyway, don't go away, I'd miss you.
Poet
Posted by muffled on July 7, 2007, at 13:24:05
In reply to Re: (((((Hugs)))(((((support))))((((understanding)))) » muffled, posted by Poet on July 7, 2007, at 12:13:22
how much your helping me.
I have no words.
I am not alone.
Thank you.
M
Posted by sunnydays on July 7, 2007, at 14:22:24
In reply to you guys have NO idea..., posted by muffled on July 7, 2007, at 13:24:05
(((((muffled))))
You're a really good person. Try to remember that. You have a good heart right at the core of you. Take good care,
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on July 8, 2007, at 12:25:54
In reply to you guys have NO idea..., posted by muffled on July 7, 2007, at 13:24:05
No muffled you are not alone. Love Phillipa
Posted by OzLand on July 11, 2007, at 22:42:41
In reply to Re: SI ***Trigger** » muffled, posted by Dinah on July 6, 2007, at 15:05:28
I agree with Dinah; in my experience the worst time to make a decision is when I am upset or angry or feeling lonely or lost; I say things I don't mean and then regret it later. Would you let your therapist know if you changed your mind and wanted to go back??
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