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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on June 27, 2007, at 23:10:49
See,part of me is ready to terminate.
Part of me still wants the safety that T seemingly offers.(though WHAT that is I do not know...)
So T ever so gently (after talking bout how improved I am....slick manouver) says maybe I need a break from T. ah hell, I'll just cut and paste what I wrote to her:So appt today. I was so unprepared. Lotsa conflict internally bout whole thing, so avoidance.
Anyhow, got lotsa info re: needs, that'll be good for alot of ways.
Then re-cap re:improvement, and then of course re:whether to terminate. And this is where there is multiple opinions.
Part of me was ready to terminate a long time ago.
Kid don't want to, she likes that T. knows she exists, and that makes her feel SO way safer. HUGE to her. Kid don't trust me much, and I guess to some extent its justified, cuz I do not seem to have much control over protection. Yeah, there was a mention of that I have better control over emots. Generally I do. I am very careful to not let certain parts out that could be problematic. Thats why I never say in T bout certain stuff, cuz I afraid that I cannot control protection, and mebbe protection would do nothing, but I dunno what it might do, so there is the concern. I cannot stop or control it and thats freaky to me, freaky to anybody I expect.
So then T is trying to be SO delicate bout it all the termination type stuff, anyhow, so part of me is seeing this all clearly, but in the background mostly, I can just kinda sense it laughing cuz it totally knows whats comming etc. Its very objective and amused. Kid starts to get freaked some(don't take much w/her) and then that activates protection. Adult is being calm and TRYING to think thru the ever increasing noise. For the adult it feels like trying to keep listening and responding thru ever increasing interruptions/opinions/feelings etc, of others. T kept asking bout a timeline for btwn appts, and adult was trying SO hard to figger it, but for her, its not an issue, she don't care, other than she finds T pleasant to talk to and enjoys her company. So then adult trys to access kid, but kid fled at first sign of poss rejection And T was TRYING to talk to kid, but then protection filter was on, and the words couldn't get thru. For whatever reason kid not supposed to hear? I tried, but no go. But adult heard. Rat. adult/scientist is analysing this. So once protection is alerted its REALLY hard to work past it. It tends to be sarcastic and aloof. I WAS truly trying to find the answer. This is what it is like for me. This is my reality. I am learning to work with it, but there are times when its very frustrating. I am accepting of it, and that helps too. Tends to keep it from escalating as much.
So T. was trying to tell Kid, stuff bout needs and stuff, but kid just don't get stuff like that. My guess is that she is pretty young, and what her needs are, are all the ones considered too needy and gross and unacceptable to some part of me. I really liked what T said bout relating the inside kid to my irl kids. I still find it hard to fathom a kid inside this old ladys body. How it could possibly be...But anyhow, if I try and imagine how daughter was at say 5 or so, and what her needs were at that time(ugh, this is making my chest hurt), then perhaps thats what this inside kids needs are?(YUK). So, I dunno, it would seem difficult to fill the needs of a child, when you an adult? Don't much like to think bout it, but I will when I got more time.
So T. try to put the ball in our court re: time for next appt- but the operative word is OUR. So a number was just picked, cuz there is no agreement, and won't be. See acceptance. What else can I do? No point in fighting.
So, so far so good. I WILL talk to kid and tell her that T is STILL around, and so she still is safe just like before. I think kid has a hard time hanging onto the feeling of safety, and/or possibly even the reality that T. even exists over time, but she can learn I guess.I sent this to T.
Then I wrote this tonite.
Should I send it do you think?
I basically saying bye bye.
SH*T this sucks.
So here this is:Y'know what, I was trying to work on that inside kids stuff, and its SH*T. I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE.
I think I would rather die I swear. Cept for my kids of course. Wouldn't NEVER do that to them. Never ever. I LOVE my kids.
If I did not have kids I think I WOULD die. Accidently on purpose.
That kid will NEVER EVER get what she needs. Proly never did, proly never will.
I , yes me, I am in with the internal herd, I too, will not allow her negative thots to come forth. Her unnacceptable feelings. I run from them too.
I am not supposed to, but to be honest I do.
I can't touch her, I don't desire to touch her.(blech) She does/doesn't desire to be touched. She yearns for touch, but touch burns.
She must be protected from touch.
I will just live in slight torment, but mebbe thats what God likes, cuz it keeps us real, keeps us humble.
Maybe she will magically grow up.
Maybe God gonna smack me down like a bug.
Don't f*cking know.
I just want to be a good Mom.
I just wanto be a good person, Christian , wife, friend.
I want to help others.
I want God to get off my f*cking *ss.
I want Him to *keep* on it so I can do right things, so I can feel safe w/Him.
Arrrgghhh.
See, theys all stirred.
HA!
But I know the SECRET.
HA!
It will settle.
Emotions PASS.
This SH*T will pass, and there will be mostly peace for awhile, other than triggers, but I can get better and better at letting them slide.
This seems a reasonable solution does it not?
Am I talking nonsense?
Will this be doable do you think?
Or will I slowly implode, damaging my kids along the way?
I just dunno.
The way that I am, is the way that I always been, so fars I know. I may have only figgered it relatively recently, the details, but the noise is normal. It doesn't shock me. I feel disoriented when its too quiet. Then I get lonely and sad for the noise of the others. Even if its not clear and its just noise, it normal to me, therefore comforting.
When its peaceful mostly, I can still feel them oddly enuf. But there's been times when they just GONE. And thats not so nice.
Yup, crazy as a loon, and I don't care. I mostly function OK. I try real hard not to hurt noone. I not dangerous to myself no more.
Just kinda sorry you got tangled in my web of nuttiness.(mebbe I weren't so far off w/leprousy?). I got to be the client from hell. Cuz I can't/won't/scared to etc, talk. So there's nothing you can do.
Cept mebbe send up a search party if I goto space and gets lost up there.
You done real good. I learned lots.
Kid just gonna f*cking have to adapt or something.
Something.
Been a slice.
Have a good summer.
Nope, not dumeitis I having.(T was VERY clear she not dumping me)
Not exactly sure WHAT I having.
Oh well. I can adapt to that too.
Time to grow up, get a grip, move on.
We ALWAYS survive, always have, always will. Cept if our body dies, we can't control that.
But NOBODDY can get us. Cept us.
Ha.So mebbe this is it?
I don't do goodbyes, not my thing.
Mebbe send a thank you note in the mail.
And resist, no matter how bad, any impulses to reconnect, cuz that'd be going backwards.
Or mebbe it IS just a break she means? But there's not point. I WON'T look at that kid.
Sometimes I hate being me.
But mostly I feel blessed, cuz I got ALOT thats good in my life.
And sometimes I afraid I gonna die soon anyways, so why'm I DOING all this?
I dunno ANYTHING.
M
Posted by sunnydays on June 28, 2007, at 10:08:31
In reply to So....termination?LOOOOONG, posted by muffled on June 27, 2007, at 23:10:49
I'd suggest sticking with it, muffled, however scary it may be. It sounds like you still have a lot of issues around trust that you could work on in T. Maybe the adult could talk about that with T if she doesn't know what else to say and kid isn't there.
I'd hate to see you leave now. I know that it's super super hard, but you are doing good work. I think you might be getting close to something big, and that's why you want to leave.
But you should do what's best for you. So hard to figure out what that is, though, isn't it?
sunnydays
Posted by LadyBug on June 28, 2007, at 13:30:01
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » muffled, posted by sunnydays on June 28, 2007, at 10:08:31
Thinking about leaving takes a lot of energy. I would want to see my T and discuss a plan with her. I might even be thinnking of this myself here soon because of my move.
I don't admit to knowing to understanding your kid but I know she struggles sometimes but she's a good kid and muffled takes good care of her.
Gentle hugs
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 14:53:15
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » muffled, posted by sunnydays on June 28, 2007, at 10:08:31
>But you should do what's best for you. So hard to figure out what that is, though, isn't it?
*exactly SD! :-(
I think actually to be honest it was phrased by my T as a 'break', but of course I took that and ran with it...
and still am running!
Thanks for support. I do appreciate it :-)
M
Posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 15:01:03
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » sunnydays, posted by LadyBug on June 28, 2007, at 13:30:01
> Thinking about leaving takes a lot of energy. I would want to see my T and discuss a plan with her. I might even be thinnking of this myself here soon because of my move.
> I don't admit to knowing to understanding your kid but I know she struggles sometimes but she's a good kid and muffled takes good care of her.
> Gentle hugs
> LadyBug**That is SO sweet what you wrote (((LB)), thank you :-)
We are trying, its hard, but we getting there.
Yeah you got ALOT of tough stuff happening, but its sprinkled with blessings too, and I like to think of that :-).
Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible for you.
M
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 28, 2007, at 19:31:44
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG, posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 15:01:03
I think taking a break might be a worthwhile option. The thing is that therapy will always be there. Maybe you'll feel more need in a month, or a year. Maybe you're just trucking along okay, keeping things under control on your end.
I'm glad that the hard stuff isn't so terrifying for you. Yes, sure the kid's got issues, and you've got issues relating to the kid. But you recognize as much, which is a big step. imagine having all this inner torment and no way to make sense out of it. well, T can help you organize all the voices, motivations, feelings. But there are other tools available to you also. You can learn a lot about yourself from writing (which you do) from talking to others, and on babble. You can learn about yourself every moment of every day. No reason to need a T for that.
I hope you'll be able to recognize when/if things get out of control or unmanageable.
I think your T *will* come check up on you. She'll be here for you, no matter what you decide.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 23:19:47
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 28, 2007, at 19:31:44
> I think taking a break might be a worthwhile option. The thing is that therapy will always be there. Maybe you'll feel more need in a month, or a year. Maybe you're just trucking along okay, keeping things under control on your end.
**well it goes up and down of course, but as long as I don't get too out of wack I think this is best.
There is disagreement, but I will deal with that....
>
> I'm glad that the hard stuff isn't so terrifying for you. Yes, sure the kid's got issues, and you've got issues relating to the kid. But you recognize as much, which is a big step. imagine having all this inner torment and no way to make sense out of it.**oh yes it was HUGE, GINORMOUS when I realized what was going on, about my people as it were. I can't think of a big enough word to describe how huge it was...
well, T can help you organize all the voices, motivations, feelings. But there are other tools available to you also. You can learn a lot about yourself from writing (which you do) from talking to others, and on babble. You can learn about yourself every moment of every day. No reason to need a T for that.
**This is the crux of the matter.I won't let my people go in front of T, I am embarrassed of being weird. I spent whole life trying to appear 'normal', and I suppose on some level I must have realized I was not.(I just thot this thot just now!) Also, I WON'T deal with That Kid. I thot it was just defenses stopping me, but its me stopping me too. I CHOOSE not to go there. I get scared and run like hell. I have tried on my own, my T has led me a little down the path, but then I panic and RUN.
So I feel I have a choice, deal with That Kid , or not. Right now I am choosing NOT, and we'll see what happens. I have many coping tools now. I have learned (again, no word) TONS AND TONS. I am in so much a better place than I was.
I have no desire to go back just to shut that kid up. I think I would rather live with SI, or have my "moments", etc, than deal with it. I may hopefully grow ever better at working around THat Kid and her crazy emots etc. So after seeing others here go thru their agony of knowing....well, mebbe there's nothing for me to know, mebbe there is, but I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, just in case....did I tell you I was diagnosed with a label of GAD 'severe' LOL!!!!!!(among others...)
>
> I hope you'll be able to recognize when/if things get out of control or unmanageable.**that is a concern, I am getting MUCH better at recognizing whats going on internally, and putting a stop to troublesome behaviours.
My one fear, is that my defenses will not allow me to call T. For a variety of reasons. And I'll end up in some psychosis cuz I've abused some drug, or god forbid, alcohol, whereupon I'll end up in hosp, and I GOT IRL KIDS who really need their ma :-(
>
> I think your T *will* come check up on you. She'll be here for you, no matter what you decide.**Sigh, thats an internal issue. She did say those exact words last time, I think maybe more than once(I wasn't all there...). She said 'I am here for you', or something of that nature, I just remember she was very emphatic about it. but that does not sit well with us. She even tried to specifically tell the kid that, which was good, though I thot she didn't hear it, but mebbe she did.
But there's another aspect, that says 'yeah sure, she'll be there IF she not on hols, or just away, or its a weekend, or she got family stuff, or she too busy, or she at a seminar, or, or, or- so mebbe NOT such a reliable 'I'm there for you'.....More like, I might be there for you, might not(and she DID at one point say something along those lines I think one time I think). But anyways, not much of a rock to rely on eh? More like...hmmm...more like a rock in the ocean...ha...sometimes its under water and you can't find it, and even if it IS above water, the tide'll come and drown you anyways when it covers the rock.....
I am confused :-(
M
Posted by Dinah on June 29, 2007, at 8:30:06
In reply to So....termination?LOOOOONG, posted by muffled on June 27, 2007, at 23:10:49
Did she say why it might be a good idea? Was she responding to something you said? Sometimes my therapist has the oddest ideas about how to be supportive.
Or does she think you're doing well enough not to need therapy at the moment?
It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that she was recently on a long vacation. And that during that time you didn't feel as stable and, for example, didn't post as much here because things were too triggering? I could be totally off base. I have a mind like a steel sieve.
Posted by muffled on June 29, 2007, at 9:59:53
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » muffled, posted by Dinah on June 29, 2007, at 8:30:06
> Did she say why it might be a good idea? Was she responding to something you said? Sometimes my therapist has the oddest ideas about how to be supportive.
>
> Or does she think you're doing well enough not to need therapy at the moment?
>
> It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that she was recently on a long vacation. And that during that time you didn't feel as stable and, for example, didn't post as much here because things were too triggering? I could be totally off base. I have a mind like a steel sieve.**Its stuff some of me has said is all. In my writings...
I also am refusing to do 'the work', so there is no point.
She suggested 1 month.
I think we ended up 2 wks.
But its too hard, all that does is reinforce my dependancy on her seeming(non existant) safety and (limited) support.
So I think I will not go back.
This is what I say NOW.....
Thanks Dinah, you a good egg.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 30, 2007, at 10:00:05
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » Dinah, posted by muffled on June 29, 2007, at 9:59:53
> **Its stuff some of me has said is all. In my writings...
> I also am refusing to do 'the work', so there is no point.It's okay muffled, don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone goes in phases. If things have been intense over the past month or three, part of you may be retreating. This stuff will come out when it's ready. Some folks it takes years to really get down to the matter. Some folks it's like a never-ending narrative. There is no GOAL. It's only a process.
my newT (whom I just said bye to) said that it's a process of building up a new self only to have it collapse to pieces and then building up another new self and have it collapse. Eventually the 'collapses' become rarer and less traumatic. It sounds like you are getting to a point where you are pretty comfortable with your current self and state of affairs, but you are dreading the next collapse. It's human to dread falling apart, but the most important thing (and something that takes a long time to learn - for ME anyways) is that even in the midst of collapse and psychosis and feeling crazy like never before there is still a glimmer of hope- and sending up a flaregun for someone to help you find the way back to safety.
> She suggested 1 month.
> I think we ended up 2 wks.
> But its too hard, all that does is reinforce my dependancy on her seeming(non existant) safety and (limited) support.This sounds like a good plan to me. You can practice flying solo and learning to get to know yourself without the intrusion that therapy provides at times. Learn to hear things for yourself. That's a great idea muffled. I'm on a 2 week break myself. Last week was newT and this week quieT is on vacation. I won't see him again until the 10th. I have plenty of stuff to do, and IRL support from cats and tea and housework, my sunroom and my blessings. maybe I'll go to a yoga class too. I'm on a diet right now- might be good to get some of the fat molecules to shed some of their good winter blubber. and babble. staying in the zone of support is very important, as is being nice to yourself. Nice and gentle. Compassionate if you can seize a few moments of that everyday, it will go a long way towards learning to accept who muffled is.
> So I think I will not go back.
> This is what I say NOW.....
> Thanks Dinah, you a good egg.Yeah, Dinah's a good egg. smooth, solid, practical. try putting an egg in your hand and squeezing as hard as you can. I can never get mine to break (unless I'm wearing a ring) That's like Dinah.
It's OKAY to think you may never go back. Don't resist those thoughts, just accept them for what they are. Therapy is exhausting and a lot of work. When you're ready, you'll know.
-Ll
Posted by Dinah on June 30, 2007, at 11:48:19
In reply to Re: So....termination?LOOOOONG » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 30, 2007, at 10:00:05
> Yeah, Dinah's a good egg. smooth, solid, practical. try putting an egg in your hand and squeezing as hard as you can. I can never get mine to break (unless I'm wearing a ring) That's like Dinah.
:) I appreciate that, and am glad that's how I appear.
I always *feel* like a cracked egg. And like my therapist is always picking up scattered yolk and egg white and gluing them back together as best he can.
This is the end of the thread.
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