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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
Do any of you consider your T a better person than you?
I always think my T has a much better life than I do, in fact, there's no doubt there. Sometimes it brings me to feel a lot of pain, as I sit there and look at her all put together, very nice clothes on, hair always looks great etc. I know she has no money problems, her marriage is wonderful, she's told me that.I know no on has a trial free life, there's no such thing. But I get tired of going in each session to talk about all the crap we've I've had to go through that week and how horribly hard my life is.
It always hurts my self esteem when I compare myself to her. How can I build esteem with her when I always feel this way in front of her. I can't seem to convince myself otherwise, she has it made!!!! There's no doubt, and I'm a dirt bag compared to her!!!I know I have to do some positive affirmation on myself, but I can't seem to get there. This may seem crazy, but being married to an addict has totally destroyed my self esteem. He's been so distructive to my family in so many ways. Not to mention all the hurtful things he's done to me. You name it, he's done it. (Working on a divorce but it's complicated!!!!) I want to move out the first part of June, that's my goal.
I know my self esteem is something we have always tried to work on in therapy. For some reason, I get stuck in her office. Thinking I'll never be good enough and she's so much better than I am. She'd never marry a butthead like I did. She's too smart.
I told her I had an agenda today when I come to see her and this is what I want to talk about. We touched on it last week. I feel it's critical to my healing. Will I feel better when I do leave my husband??? I do hope so, I've felt so week within for staying is such a poor marriage. I beat myself up all the time over it. I know all about 12 step porgrams, I get it!
My question to any of you is this? Do you feel less than your T? Why and how do you deal with it? Do you idealize your T? Do you put your T on a pedistal? I do all of this and it's not good for me and I don't know how to change my thoughts.
Any comments would be great. I see her in a few hours and this is what I want to discuss.Thanks babble friends.........
LadyBug
Posted by Honore on April 26, 2007, at 14:55:25
In reply to Thought of T being better than us???, posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
I don't know, Ladybug, but maybe it's something about your T, too. Maybe she exudes a certain "I'm great, are you as great as me?" air-- even if she's really nice and sweet and caring.
Some people do-- it's not to their detriment as people- but it's one of thier weaknesses, to need to be so together, so enviable.
Your reaction could be partly a bad story (or image) you've created about yourself; or a reenactment of something from your long ago memories; and it could, at the same time, be a real sense of something-- about her, a subtle, unspoken competitiveness with the world-- that you're picking up. Or a combination of these.
My T is distinguished in his field, has a nice (although by no means fancy) office, and I assume a rich emotional and imaginative life. But he's a true mensch. So down and in there, with me, that I don't think of him that way-- as someone to put on a pedestal and admire, or envy. He never puts himself out there to be idealized-- he;s much too real, a flawed, complex, and very real human being.
Maybe your T likes to be idealized; maybe it helps her get through the day.--and maybe, right now, you haven't broken through that circle to get to the real her.
Plus I tend to denigrate and devalue my strenghts, and distort and magnify my perceived weaknesses and vulnerabilities until they seem gigantic. Maybe affirmations aren't real to you yet-- but I'm going to bet that there are a lot of admirable and really even enviable qualities that you possess but don't give their due.
Give it time; it often can take many years to get close, but it does happen gradually, if you stick with and keep working.
Honore
Posted by annierose on April 26, 2007, at 16:31:54
In reply to Re: Thought of T being better than us???, posted by Honore on April 26, 2007, at 14:55:25
I agree with honore. My t is just a regular person to me -- one that exudes warmth and compassion, but is not up on a pedestal. I may look up to her for some of her qualities and insight, but I don't think of her as better than me. I have even asked her if I taught her things about herself.
I see myself as an equal partner in our relationship.
Therapist are just people. They have good days and bad days. They get angry too.
Does your therapist talk a great deal about her personal life? Does she make it seem perfect?
This may be a good conversation to start with her.
I hope you are successful with your divorce goal. I know how hard it is.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 26, 2007, at 16:36:38
In reply to Thought of T being better than us???, posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
I only have a minute -- on my way to T. But wanted to let you know that I used to think this about my T. And it wasn't true. She's had pain, heartache and challenges in her life just like I have. Would I still rather be her? You bet. But the packaging may not tell the whole story.
Posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 17:25:23
In reply to Thought of T being better than us???, posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
Thanks for the replies so far. I'm on my way out the door and hope I can talk about some of the ideas.
LadyBug
Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2007, at 22:50:22
In reply to Thought of T being better than us???, posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
No, I kind of wish I did. It would be nice to have someone in my life who appeared to have all the answers. Could it maybe be sort of reassuring in a way?
Posted by one woman cine on April 27, 2007, at 8:11:50
In reply to Thought of T being better than us???, posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
because we are all different.
Posted by LadyBug on April 27, 2007, at 11:52:04
In reply to not better, just different -, posted by one woman cine on April 27, 2007, at 8:11:50
Wow, I love it when I can figure it out.
I had my appointment yesterday with my T. I talked a lot about my feelings about this. About my thinking she's so much better than I am. I know she is, so what? I was sad and angry when I left but I realized much. I somehow in my twisted mind, look to other's to find my sense of self.
Wow, how didn't I figure this one out years ago. I've been seeing my T for 10 years! I look forward to seeing her most of the time. I love her, she is good and I mostly feel good when I'm in her presence. But that goodness doesn't alway come out her door with me. I have to find my own goodness and stop wishing for her goodness to be mine.
As far as the bad feelings I have for myself, I take those in from my husband. When he makes mistakes, I feel horrible inside myself as if I did the bad things he's done. I feel like a dirt bag loser when he does things, after all he's my husband and I'm a reflection of him. I chose to marry him there fore I am scum.In my mind, I know this is crazy thinking. I need to find my own sense of self. I can't continue to wish I can borrow my T's sense of her good self. And I can't continue on taking my husband's bad and making myself feel like I'm bad.
I know I'm not explaining this very well. Sorry, my mind is on overload today. I'm mad at my T for not making me feel better, but it's not her job to make me feel better! That's my work.
I'm so glad it's Friday. I'm going to a park later today to hang out with some friends.
I wish I could hide under a blanket for a few hours and write in my journal. I'm spent!!! And empty!!!My gratitude for having a place to sort through my feelings and thoughts~~~~~~~~~~~
LadyBug
Posted by one woman cine on April 27, 2007, at 12:43:06
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff......, posted by LadyBug on April 27, 2007, at 11:52:04
Posted by LadyBug on April 27, 2007, at 16:55:50
In reply to Wow, what a great post !!! (nm) » LadyBug, posted by one woman cine on April 27, 2007, at 12:43:06
Posted by tofuemmy on April 27, 2007, at 19:19:02
In reply to Thought of T being better than us???, posted by LadyBug on April 26, 2007, at 14:38:02
Yes, I always felt like the hairy, gravely gum wad he scraped off his shoe. Uck.
em
Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2007, at 19:34:17
In reply to Re: Thought of T being better than us???, posted by tofuemmy on April 27, 2007, at 19:19:02
I must have too great self esteem.
I do get intimidated by his wife, though.
And he is very well groomed and shiny.
Posted by JoniS on April 28, 2007, at 22:06:49
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff......, posted by LadyBug on April 27, 2007, at 11:52:04
LadyBug,
Your post caught my eye. I haven't been on babble for a few days, but I wanted to tell you that - YES I have been working on this very issue. I always beleive my T is better and I put him up on a pedestal. I also did it with a different T about 15 years ago. And of course, I put him way up there, and me way down here, and so I am nothing. He asked me what would have to happen for us to be on the same level. (dont remember the exact words) I said I guess you would have to come down a little and I would have to come up a little. I don't think my T tries to come across as having this perfect life, but he did used to keep a lot of his personal life out of the therapy hour. It seems like he has opened up a little more and also I am gettin a little stronger so we are coming a little closer to the same level.
I read a couple of Carl Rogers books and found them comforting because he talks a lot about his life and how the patients always thought the T's had this wonderful life and had it all together, when they were just like the patients/clients. It helped to know that often in the therapy prosess this happens. I guess one of the causes is the style of therapy too. I really envy my T for going through the process of becoming a Psychologist because I think that also helps tremendously to get to know yourself and sort of "grow up" emotionally.
Sorry this is such a long post. One more thing, I know that my issue underlying all this is very low self esteem. I read books about it, but mostly they just remind me what I already know, it's real living that will have to get me healed. But I just finished a good one you might want to read. It is "Stronger than you think" - "becoming whole without having to be perfect" it is by a Christian Psychologist and I highly recommend it, if you don't mind reading from a Christian author. I don't mean to say anything offensive, I know that faith is a very personal thing, so please dont take offense. The book is much more psychology than Christianity.
I'm glad you had a good session, and I wish you well with this. Let me know every now and then how it's going.
Take Care,
Joni
Posted by LadyBug on April 29, 2007, at 0:05:32
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff...... » LadyBug, posted by JoniS on April 28, 2007, at 22:06:49
Hey Joni,
I appreciate your post. I have nothing against reading from a Christian book. I will look into it and maybe it is something that will help me.
I've thought so much about everything and I know I can grow from learning.
It's hard for me when I only hear bits and pieces about my T and her personal life. I do know some about her kids, what they do and that 4 out of 5 are married etc. She has 2 kids that are attorney's. One that is in the medical field, one studying something in the medical field and I'm not sure about what the other one does. What I'm saying is she's never been through any of the crap I've been through in my life. But something drove her to do psychotherapy..........they seem to have issues in order to be interested in the psychology field. Don't you think? I do.
Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement. Growing is hard. I read in a book that we are trying to strengthen our emotional muscle. I have much to strengthen!
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by JoniS on April 29, 2007, at 21:27:12
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff...... » JoniS, posted by LadyBug on April 29, 2007, at 0:05:32
Hey LadyBug
Thanks for your post. My T has a brother who is a doctor and another brother who is a Pastor. My T was a pastor first and then got his PhD and now helps pastors and their families. Yes, I agree with you that it seems almost always there is some experience in a therapist's life that led them to go into that field. I'll bet yours has something in her past similar to yours, it's just not her job to tell you about it. My T had 2 brothers with Schizophrenia (spelling??) one of them comitted suicide only about 7-8 years ago. I think my T has been through some depression in his life, but you would never know it by knowing him now.
Take Care,
Hugs back to you!Joni
Posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 17:31:46
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff......, posted by JoniS on April 29, 2007, at 21:27:12
tried to send you a babblemail but you have that feature turned off.. :o(
best wishes to you.. i understand personally a lot of what you are going through.
Posted by LadyBug on April 30, 2007, at 23:33:53
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff......, posted by JoniS on April 29, 2007, at 21:27:12
Posted by LadyBug on April 30, 2007, at 23:35:56
In reply to Re: I figured out some stuff......, posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 17:31:46
Hi gazo,
Now that I think about it, I think I have a different e-mail address??? I will check into it tomorrow, I'm really tired and on my way to bed.
But thanks so much for your support, you are awesome!
LadyBug
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