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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
to hear my T tell my husband (who came in for a session yesterday) about my issues.
Made the abuse seem more real, more horrible than I was prepared.
She talked about how when I'm in one of freaked out modes that I'm really just a toddler, or a 5 year old or a 7 year old or a 9 year old or a 13 year old or a 15 year old until I got the hell away from my house.
I never heard her swear like that before.
Until I got the hell away. But I haven't really.
Does this mean I have parts. I resist. you know that muffled. You know how badly i resist being taken back to a time when I didn't have my independence.
I'm in pretty bad shape right now. I think it helps that my husband is starting to "get it". I have very strong urges to do bad things on a daily basis. Things that will destroy me or my ability to succeed. It's so hard to go on right now. I just want to hurt so bad. And I have to keep going. One step at a time. One little task at a time. If I think too much about what lies before me I turn into a ball of whimpering mincemeat.
I'm going to go turn in now. I've been thinking so hard that my eyeballs bleed.
:P
Posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 23:51:33
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 0:10:47
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
> to hear my T tell my husband (who came in for a session yesterday) about my issues.
**:-( Sh*t.
>
> Made the abuse seem more real, more horrible than I was prepared.**Reality SUCKS. Fantasy is better. But it done make the pain go away...I am still in fantasy.
>
> She talked about how when I'm in one of freaked out modes that I'm really just a toddler, or a 5 year old or a 7 year old or a 9 year old or a 13 year old or a 15 year old until I got the hell away from my house.**yeah...
>
> I never heard her swear like that before.**:-) She MUST care for you.
>
> Until I got the hell away. But I haven't really.**SOME of you HAS got away....some of you is stuck..:-(
>
> Does this mean I have parts. I resist. you know that muffled. You know how badly i resist being taken back to a time when I didn't have my independence.**Remember, this splitting, and part stuff, lies on a continuum.....
Knowing I had parts was for me such a gift. It was introduced so kindly (with involvement of my higher power). I met my baby, God, she was SO sweet, my heart melted. It was a pure sweet untainted part of me. Then they all shut up, it was kinda funny. Dead silence in my head for days.
But now I am not perpetually confused. I was always so lost. NOTHING made sense about me. But now I can make some sense of stuff. And there's parts of me that function very well indeed. But unfortunately, there are those who do not.
But at least now I can deal with stuff ALOT easier, before I could do nothing bout nothing, all was confusion.
I think people feel splitness differently to themselves.
I don't know if you are split.
Do you ever have times where you've read what you've written and it seems rather strange to you?
See, I guess when I was in my confusion I wasn't able to notice stuff, but now I can.
Ummmm.
Do you ever find yourself behaving VERY differently to the way you most commonly act?
Like for me, Toughie talks low, is physically tense and alert, swaggers some, swears alot, and generally acts like a pubescent boy trying to be tough (when really they are most likely actaully afraid). Physically it feels really good to be toughie. My aches and pains go away. I am physically stronger.
I wish I could explain it better for you.
Maybe you could just ask questions and those of us thats split in our own various ways can try and help you with some our own personal perspectives.
>
> I'm in pretty bad shape right now. I think it helps that my husband is starting to "get it". I have very strong urges to do bad things on a daily basis. Things that will destroy me or my ability to succeed. It's so hard to go on right now. I just want to hurt so bad. And I have to keep going. One step at a time. One little task at a time. If I think too much about what lies before me I turn into a ball of whimpering mincemeat.**Thats a good question to ask your T. WHAT are you supposed to DO with all the pain????
Cuz I dunno the answer to that.
My thot is to get a punching bag and some gloves and whale away until you are physically spent.
Go to the forest where theres noone around and scream yourself hoarse?
Basic self soothing techniques...
Just being around people often is a good thing.
Or getting lost in a non-triggering book.
And hows the meds doing???Any tweaking requiered or best to let it be for now?
Can you imagine a kinda stupid but pleasant future? Like make it not terribly realistic, but fun to think of? Like becomming a spacewoman and living on Mars? Or becomming a sheep farmer in Tibet?(do they have sheep in Tibet?)
Or living in the forest in a cabin w/your hubby and living off wild game?
And let yourself go with the ideas. When you start to sweat bout the future, pick your favorite silly future and have fun with it.
The past is history, the future is a mystery. I heard that somewhere....
Take special care and don't you hurt my Phyto. Phyto is good. Phyto is hurting SO bad right now. But Phyto GONNA BE OK. Phyto has strength insida her, like a core of steel, thats carried her this far. This core of steel is still there. Phyto got a great team backing her.
Muffy (((((Phyto))))>
> I'm going to go turn in now. I've been thinking so hard that my eyeballs bleed.
>
> :P
Posted by madeline on April 14, 2007, at 6:31:30
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
I'm sure that it was freaky that your husband was in therapy with you. I simply cannot imagine someone else being in the therapy room with me.
However, I don't think you have parts or have dissociated and I don't think that you are basically a toddler. I simply think that you are an adult that is using coping skills that you picked up as a child. While these coping skills may have kept you alive and sane THEN, they often fail in an adult world.
It's almost as though you may have physically left the house, but you are still very much there emotionally.
I remember when I finally "left the house". I was in a parking garage and I walked past this family sitting in a car. The dad was just yelling and yelling, the mom was crying and all the kids were too. I was very triggering for me and brought back all the fear I felt as a child. It also ignited a strong desire to intervene in that family (I didn't).By the time I made it to my car, I was shaking and crying.
But then I realized that I was in MY car. I wasn't sitting in that car awaiting the inevitable. I was in MY car and I could go home to MY house, where there was no badness waiting - just my cats and guinea pigs and a dog that would need to be walked.
I realized that I was in MY life - which somehow I had managed to carve out for myself that was safe and homey.
Now that's not to say that my childhood doesn't reach back out and grab me occasionally and I find myself falling back into old familiar (and destructive) behavior patterns.
But I can get usually get myself out of it by reminding myself where I am - a sort of self imposed reality check.
What helped a lot is that I have a friend that experiences things very similarly to me and we will go through a "badness" check.
My therapist also never failed to remind me that I am no longer a child and that I have active agency in my life.
It helps.
Love and peace to you (and your new kitty).
Julie
Posted by Fallsfall on April 14, 2007, at 8:27:11
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
It is important for your husband to understand.
Take things slow. You have a therapist who cares, a husband who loves you, a Babble board who will support you. And you are self aware and have the strength to get through this. This doesn't mean you have to be strong all the time, but you have an underlying strength that will bring you through. Be patient.
(((((Phyto)))))
Posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 14, 2007, at 12:06:57
In reply to Re: It was freaky, posted by Fallsfall on April 14, 2007, at 8:27:11
I'm trying really hard right now. really hard to keep myself from falling apart. lots of crying and whimpering. and general neglect of me.
I know this isn't the self-esteem board. but I need to make some affirmations right now.
Work is so hard. Hardest it's ever been in a long long time. It's MY work. I own it. I must make it mine and make it satisfy me and my supervisor(s).
My life is going to be okay. I'm going to take this summer off and reassess what the hell I'm doing with my life. I am very lucky to have the financial freedom and IRL support to make a choice to ... walk away... from everything the way it is right now. Or, maybe I'll be able to catch my breath and use my marathon training to get re-engaged.
Let's just say that burned-out is a vast understatement. I'm burning!
Okay back to affirmations.
I am flexible
I know how to please difficult people
I am well-tolerated, if not generically "liked"
I am smartie-pants
I know how to do nice eye-makeup
I have a diverse shoe collection
I am crafty in every sense of the word.If I think of my work as a craft project it is less daunting.
If I think of it as a slow march to the gallows I feel like... well you know
So. I have the tools. I have the craftiness.
I can do this. Can I do it by Monday (Tuesday at the latest?)
Then I have another deadline in 10 days. I can do this. Other people have done this before me. They all survived. I will survive too.
steel core is flexible and yet retains its shape (barring meltdown)
1 little task at a time.
I have so many depressive symptoms right now that I think it's fair to say I've relapsed. But I think that I can pull myself out of it. I've done it before and now I know more than I did the first few times.
love helps too.
I'm feeling a little babble love.
-:P
Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 12:58:45
In reply to ((((babblesupport)))), posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 14, 2007, at 12:06:57
you can feel LOTS of babblelove babe. :o)
>steel core is flexible and yet retains its shape
in Japan it is the willow which is the symbol of strength. Steel appears quite tough, but it's actually brittle, as are most "hard" materials. It is prone to melt down and it's inflexible unless put under extreme heat. Aim to be more like the willow, soft and pliable, able to bend yet difficult to ultimately break. Also beautiful and serene.
Posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 14, 2007, at 14:48:07
In reply to Re: ((((babblesupport)))) » PhytoEstrogen, posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 12:58:45
bamboo is even better. because it's hollow I can make a flute out of it.
flooooooot
tooot
flloooooooootnow I'm just messing around
still feeling babble love. I need to get back into a place where I can feel some therapy love too. right now me and T have been through some rough times together. I hope she still is fond of me.
you?
Posted by Declan on April 14, 2007, at 19:56:38
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
>I just want to hurt so bad.
What about a spiritual discipline, Phyto?
Doesn't have to be a hair shirt.
Meditation cross legged?
There must be more or less painful things that are good for you.
Posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 14, 2007, at 21:11:05
In reply to Re: It was freaky » PhytoEstrogen, posted by Declan on April 14, 2007, at 19:56:38
Does manic-panicked quilting count?
A far flung friend convinced me to do a yoga + meditation for 25 minutes the other day.
It was okay. mostly I just need to get this work off my desk and then I think I might feel less suicidal.
And I'm not using that word lightly.
:P
Posted by madeline on April 15, 2007, at 9:41:28
In reply to ((((babblesupport)))), posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 14, 2007, at 12:06:57
Hang tough phyto. Dig in and make it through.
There is less suckiness on the other side. I promise.
Maddie
Posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2007, at 10:40:44
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
Oh, that would be freaky. I can imagine feeling sort of like a detached observer and yet all caught up as well. What a brave thing to do.
I hope your sleep was restorative.
Have a good day today.
namasté
gg
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