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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 14:38:50
I left still actively crying, I mean, more than sniffles, you know? And that has never happened before. And while he wasn't mean or actually dismissing me or anything, he just....wasn't *anything.* So calm and neutral, almost like this happens every day. Or, "nothing can phase me." Cr*p, that's not what I needed to see in his demeanor.
I guess our timing just s*cked. We chatted about other members of my family, and then about a mutual hobby for 3/4 of the session, and then I decided to answer a question of his and became so emotional in the last 15 minutes. Well, hardly 'decided to,' as I was totally surprised by the sudden outpouring.
Ironic like you wouldn't believe, too, because I'd just finished babbling on about how I'd left my emotional self somewhere else today, and was telling him things in a dispassionate, cognitive way. And that I hated that, really, because it meant in a few hours the feelings will catch up...and slam! I'll once again be alone in feeling whatever scary, sad stuff comes up. Not a minute later I'm talking with tears flowing down so steadily I had stains on my shirt later. Sheesh.
Anyway, there's kind of a lot to this, and I'm not sure what to post, or how to even describe how I am now. A bit lost, mixed with ashamed, mixed with disappointed. Not about the crying there - that's what I do. But more because I sent him a really odd email 2 hours later that I wish I could take back. I'm not comfortable disclosing the subject here, but I told him something that for me, is even more private than what we'd already been talking about during the session (body image, weight, self-loathing) And I kind of put my heart into the email and waited.
Well, he answered, as he always does, but briefly, because I'm not *supposed* to email him in a way where I'm trying to continue therapy through the email. We agreed on that 1.5 years ago because he felt he just couldn't work that way and be true to himself as a T. and to what he thinks is better for me.
So that's okay in general, but...I still slip and email him once or twice a month, or when worried he's not okay, or very upset. And usually there's some warmth in even his shortest answers. Something personal, anything to make me feel like he heard "me."
Not this time :-( He wrote "Thanks for sharing that." Yuk, yuk and more yuk. Hate those phrases and he knows it. Why didn't he just send back a giant yawn? Or say, "That should have waited until next time." Sure, maybe I'm projecting, but I don't care. {stamps foot}
I don't even know what the heck is the matter now.
Or maybe I do. I had to leave, but wanted to stay and be hugged (not that we do that - we don't) or at least patted on the back - anything, really. I don't mean anything more than desperately needing to be comforted by physical touch, some day, again, by someone who cares about me. I know that can't be too much to want, but somehow it seems too needy and too much. And I likely won't get it from him, and maybe if I ever did, it would screw up our therapy, true, but part of me is.....well, I'm starving here.
And with each passing hour, remembering how I explained this private thing in my email, I am mortified I let him read that. Why didn't I follow that voice that kept telling me to calm down a few more hours before sending it?
This digging deeper and doing harder work stuff is HARD. blek :-(
Posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 18:19:41
In reply to Therapy was a bit too much yesterday, posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 14:38:50
i'm still at the office, so i can' say much right now. I did want to take a second and let you know that i can hear the angst and the hurt. i know it well too. :o( It's one reason i am glad not to have email access to my T. i write letters, edit them for days, try to drop them off and then don't.
If it hurts this bad then it is the right thing to have done. It means that there is some meat on that bone. That's the hrd part about therapy... the painful way is always the right direction.
is there anything you can do to distract yourself? Nothing is going to really help as much as time and then talking at your next appt... but in the meantime you need to keep from going crazy now.
rich chocolate? fine wine?
much love and peace
Posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 22:34:55
In reply to Re: Therapy was a bit too much yesterday, posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 18:19:41
Hi gazo, and thanks so much for replying, from work even. Very thoughtful.
I've been alright, mostly. Lots of distractions, school work, family stuff, so that helps. But still....nothing ever fixes something that happens in t., except as you said, talking about it next time. Waiting s*cks.
It's just one of those phases where next time already feels like forever, and I can hardly stop myself from emailing or calling. This is not the first time I've felt this way, except for the getting up and leaving while still crying. That was a new one.
But, why contact him? To start something we can't even try to finish? Probably not a great idea. Although I haven't ruled out a call Monday, just to hear his voice for a minute. We'll see.
Thanks for hearing that angst. It means a lot, 'specially when I know your plate is full and you are doing quite the balancing act right now yourself. I'll bet we'll both hang in there, get past the rough, confusing, painful spots and be okay. (Did that sound convincing? hope so... ;-))
I might have more to say, but I have some poster's remorse about what I wrote, and also, have to get up for work in 6 hours, so gotta go....
Posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 22:49:28
In reply to Re: Therapy was a bit too much yesterday » gazo, posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 22:34:55
and some pats on the back too.
And a ruffle on the top of your head.
I mess up your hair and run like the wind!!!!
CATCH ME!!!!!!
Try and relax.
Waiting TOTALLY sucks.
But each day you closer...
sigh.
Until THAT apppt. over.....
sigh,
Ah hell,
Lets play tag in a big beautiful field in the warm sun!
Then we can swim in the lake.
And tell jokes and laugh.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 23:22:05
In reply to Re: Therapy was a bit too much yesterday » gazo, posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 22:34:55
poster's angst is a wonderful ain't it? i have lots of it as i really shouldn't say half of what i have. You have to just let go of it at some point.. say what the hell. i am always afraid of certain people discovering what i have said here... but then i realize that is a low possibility, and once i have said so much...well, so be it.
i have an angst radar. ;o)
i do feel empathy for you though, having said something difficult and now having to wait.. till thursday? Damn. It's hard. Maybe you could write a letter like i said before, one you don't send, then take it with you if you wish.
have you ever talked to him about what you need from him in these situations? i am setting up things like that now with my T... as in if i say this i need this from you.
just a thought
much love and peace
Posted by Daisym on April 16, 2007, at 15:17:47
In reply to Therapy was a bit too much yesterday, posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 14:38:50
I think you sent the email because you were trying to buy a bandaid for yourself. You revealed something even more personal...and you wanted warm reassurance that it was OK to reveal personal stuff (even if you already know it is OK) and you wanted comfort from him. I can almost feel the physical ache to be held and protected. I know it isn't "supposed" to be what you do together, but that doesn't mean it didn't get called up and after all, he was there. And he is safe.
You obviously hit a sensitive spot in the session, and it stinks that this happened near the end. Sometimes, I think, we are working up to it and don't even really realize it. There is this almost panic about getting our feelings out and of making that connection - then we getted Tidal-waved. (this would be my new, very technical term for it, because I don't think flooded is powerful enough to explain what it feels like.)
And then you left, so open and raw, without closure. No band-aids. So you sent the email, needing to connect and get your band-aid. I'm sorry it was so painful, but revealing things in the depth of that pain is really important and brave. I'm sure you will have a lot to talk about next time.
And even if you think you are projecting, I think it is OK to tell him that you need some overt display of caring before you leave, especially when you are crying.
I hope you found a way to have a peaceful weekend.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 16, 2007, at 22:44:24
In reply to ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((10der))))))))))))))), posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 22:49:28
ha! you can ruffle my hair any time, friend!
and I am waaaaay too out of shape to catch you...so you would get away..
thanks for what your wrote, it made me smile at the right time :-)
it's a weird, hard time right now. I want to be close to him, so I can work on, work out some more stuff that usually stays hidden. I think my life will be better if I do. But yet. I want to quit or something because I can't stand feeling this way and thinking about this relationship ALL the time
arggghhhh!!!!it's crazy-making to want to increase sessions (probably won't and can't but I wish...) and get totally away to avoid the sadness in between - all at the same time.
who knows why these things make me so shaky and sad sometimes? then other times, I can shake then right off?
I like your warm field idea the best, but I'd probably lay down and take a nap....I'm too tired and creaky and flabby to play much tag....invite some others so you'll have someone to run with while I sleep, 'kay? oh Lord, I am soooooo boring....
lazy-10der! thanks again, muffy
Posted by gardenergirl on April 17, 2007, at 10:39:06
In reply to Therapy was a bit too much yesterday, posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 14:38:50
A find a long, refreshing nap or night's sleep often helps. I think there must be something about processing this stuff in my sleep, because I always seem to need a long nap after sessions such as those.
Hang in there. It's such hard work. It's actually amazing anyone does it all sometimes, I think.
namasté
gg
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