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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by gazo on April 8, 2007, at 16:20:04
In reply to How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relations, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 12:44:35
Congrats on finding a T that you think will be a good match. :o) That is a nice feeling.
i think the trust part is dependent on you and your T. Your respective personalities, the degree of "match" and where you are at mentally/emotionally. If i had met my current T a few months ago i wouldn't have been able to connect to him. OTOH, if i met my old T *now* i would have the same problem. Different head space means different approaches.
i am stronger now, i can handle heavier stuff and i know i have to deal with some things soon or things are going to get very bad. i am very motivated to work on the trust issue as much as possible. But i don't trust him yet. i need to see certain rxns to things... like if i tell him about event A, is he going to freak out? i need to kind of assess that.
if you feel she is a good match then i think that is the first step to building trust.
Posted by frida on April 8, 2007, at 19:46:17
In reply to How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relations, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 12:44:35
Hi Phillipa..
it depends on so many factors...It took me a long long time to build trust, but I had trust and abandonment issues..it took me a year to be able to tell her I had been hurt in the past, and it took me years to be able to talk a little. Even now I still can't talk quite openly but I trust her as much as I can trust anyone. I've known her for 7 years now, a long time.
I did feel warmth and a positive, deep connection early on....so i'd say that if you feel that connection...you can work together and build trust...baby steps...hoping everything goes well with your T,
Frida
Posted by Declan on April 8, 2007, at 19:48:27
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Phillipa, posted by gazo on April 8, 2007, at 16:20:04
It is absolutely unpredictable.
With mine I formed a bond in about 2 sessions.
Just cracked right open, (and spent some of the ensuing time wondering whether I should trust her).
No doubt I was in a terrible state and she knew her stuff. The right choice of words is crucial.You can spend forever with someone and never build trust.
Posted by sunnydays on April 8, 2007, at 20:25:14
In reply to How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relations, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 12:44:35
It just depends. You should feel somewhat comfortable from the beginning, but not necessarily trusting enough to spill your guts, so to speak. I always knew I was safe in my T's office, but I didn't talk hardly at all for the first six months, and then it was slow going until now when I trust him a lot.
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 20:58:22
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat, posted by Declan on April 8, 2007, at 19:48:27
Declan yup pretty bad state as I had tears in my eyes the second session. What she did was not allow my husband into the session. It makes him angry as I have to pay my own medical bills, meds, personal things on my disability. And he was using my sessions in the past to talk about his issues with me. Love Phillipa
Posted by DannaB on April 8, 2007, at 23:53:13
In reply to How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relations, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 12:44:35
I build a level of trust very quickly. I trusted mine by about the 2nd session. But a deep, lasting trust? It took a bit over a year.
Let us know how it goes with this one.
Posted by notfred on April 9, 2007, at 8:20:19
In reply to How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relations, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 12:44:35
Well it is your money, the sooner you start trusting the soonr your $$ start working.
Posted by sunnydays on April 9, 2007, at 8:38:14
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat, posted by notfred on April 9, 2007, at 8:20:19
I wish it was that simple though. If I could have trusted my T the first session, I would have in a heartbeat. In some ways, working up to the trust is a perfectly good use of money, I think, because learning to trust someone that won't hurt you is a really great ability to have.
sunnydays
Posted by frida on April 9, 2007, at 10:27:01
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » notfred, posted by sunnydays on April 9, 2007, at 8:38:14
I agree with you, Sunnydays,
Learning to trust is a valuable, essential lesson in itself. It took me years to be able to deeply trust my T. I wish I could have trusted her sooner, but the process was really important even if it took a long long time.
and trust isn't something that can be "forced" or you can make yourself do. It has to be built and re-built day after day.love,
Frida
Posted by Poet on April 9, 2007, at 17:50:45
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Poet, posted by gazo on April 8, 2007, at 16:12:43
Hi Gazo,
In the early stages I barely said much of anything, I'd stare at my shoes more than I'd talk. My T would sigh and say that she feels like she has to drag things out of me (complete with dragging motion) or fish for things (yes, with reeling in a fish motion.)
I sometimes would write things and give them to her to read. She also does energy work so those times where I just wouldn't say anything significant, she'd do that.
I used to sit there feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. The more T would say it was *safe* (I hate that word, nowhere is safe!) the less that word I would feel.
I'm really not sure what made me start to trust her as much as I do know. Maybe all of her *I care about yous* finally sunk in. Anyway, I feel I wasted a lot of time and money just sitting there, and I don't know how to get over that bad feeling.
Poet
Posted by antigua on April 9, 2007, at 18:07:55
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » gazo, posted by Poet on April 9, 2007, at 17:50:45
Don't feel bad! It takes time, time and more time for some people. It took me YEARS. Sometimes now I don't even trust her or believe that she cares, but I try not ever to think of those years as a waste of time.Because they weren't; they just were part of the process for me.
Hope your job is going well.
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2007, at 18:31:15
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » notfred, posted by sunnydays on April 9, 2007, at 8:38:14
Sunnydays agree with so much. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2007, at 18:36:10
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » gazo, posted by Poet on April 9, 2007, at 17:50:45
Poet you got a job? Thats great. And I know the feeling of not feeling safe. As it's led to being afraid of being alone and some agoraphobia. Anyone ever have that as it's debilitating in a person who lived alone for years after marriage and now this time married can't let him out of my sight don't feel safe. So strange???? Love Phillipa
Posted by notfred on April 9, 2007, at 18:41:58
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » notfred, posted by sunnydays on April 9, 2007, at 8:38:14
> I wish it was that simple though. If I could have trusted my T the first session, I would have in a heartbeat. In some ways, working up to the trust is a perfectly good use of money, I think, because learning to trust someone that won't hurt you is a really great ability to have.
>
> sunnydaysIt is your money to use as you see fit, so yes,
is a perfectly good use of money. Provided you have money for months or years of working up to trusting someone.
Posted by scratchpad on April 9, 2007, at 19:54:31
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Declan, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2007, at 20:58:22
> Declan yup pretty bad state as I had tears in my eyes the second session. What she did was not allow my husband into the session. It makes him angry as I have to pay my own medical bills, meds, personal things on my disability. And he was using my sessions in the past to talk about his issues with me. Love Phillipa
That's very interesting, Phillipa. Unless you're getting couples' counseling, therapy is usually a one on one deal. Maybe your hubby should find a T so he can work on his stuff? I mean, we've all got Stuff, ya know?
I'm glad that you found someone. Good luck with your inner work - I thinks it's equally as important as the medications we take.
sp
Posted by sunnydays on April 9, 2007, at 20:11:11
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » sunnydays, posted by notfred on April 9, 2007, at 18:41:58
I don't.... but I have parents who are willing to at this point because I get a drastically reduced fee through a student counseling center. And I don't even have to tell them that I talk about them! ;)
I'm a little confused by what you seem to be implying, that I could force myself to trust my T if I didn't have the money to take months or years. I just don't understand how that work. And I'm not a spoiled rich kid, just so you know, I just have serious trust issues and I don't know how I'd ever force myself to trust someone. Luckily my T is patient - I don't know how he put up with me not trusting him for so long. Although he swears it wasn't putting up with me, that it was all part of the work...
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2007, at 21:08:48
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Phillipa, posted by scratchpad on April 9, 2007, at 19:54:31
Scratchpad I agree he's too cheap he does it all the time well did til this therapist wouldn't let him in. Boy it made him angry. He'd never pay to go to one for himself but anger is his issue no doubt about that. He pounds the steering wheel, yells at me if I don't feel good. I try to explain that this behaviour is not helping me and he yells and screams more. I was in the ER Saturday as the stress was so high. Blood work and EKG. When I arrived my BP was low I thought he needed a break so I said do you want to go home and feed the dogs. He said yes. When he returned the yelling Nurse and ER Doc heard Bp now l40/? and the ER doc took me in a room and asked me if he beat and he doesn't I said no. But I feel emotional abuse is worse. No trust if his mood changes from nice to mean. I'm sure he's the one who needs meds. Long story I could post but don't want to bore anyone. So thanks Love Phillipa
Posted by scratchpad on April 10, 2007, at 11:55:41
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » scratchpad, posted by Phillipa on April 9, 2007, at 21:08:48
OK, this is weird... I'm sure I was married to your husband for 18 years!
take care of yourself, Phillipa. That is job one.
sp
Posted by Phillipa on April 10, 2007, at 20:04:00
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Phillipa, posted by scratchpad on April 10, 2007, at 11:55:41
Scratchpad trapped in this relationship age, inability to support myself at this time unless you want a boarder with 2 small pups and one cat. Love Phillipa ps kids don't want me I'm supposed to will myself well.
Posted by Declan on April 11, 2007, at 17:39:38
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » sunnydays, posted by notfred on April 9, 2007, at 18:41:58
Trust is one of those things, like love and forgiveness, that cannot be made to happen.
Do you think it is (at least partly) about learning to get in touch with those parts of ourselves not under our control?
We live in a fairly wilful world.And therapy, IME, was often about dealing (successfully or not) with wilfulness.
I am also implying that psychodynamic therapy can become obsessed with it.
Posted by Declan on April 11, 2007, at 17:42:10
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » gazo, posted by Poet on April 9, 2007, at 17:50:45
>Anyway, I feel I wasted a lot of time and money just sitting there, and I don't know how to get over that bad feeling.<
I know what you mean, in spades.
Posted by Poet on April 14, 2007, at 12:00:22
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Poet, posted by Declan on April 11, 2007, at 17:42:10
Hi Declan,
What makes me feel even worse is now that I have started to trust her I won't be wasting time, but will be spending more money. Had I talked it all out four years ago I would be done, maybe. Not that I am not worth the cost of therapy (cough).
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on April 14, 2007, at 20:06:33
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Declan, posted by Poet on April 14, 2007, at 12:00:22
Poet now why would you say that about you? You're from what I read a very lovely person who deserves the best. Love Phillipa
Posted by Poet on April 15, 2007, at 14:09:32
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Poet, posted by Phillipa on April 14, 2007, at 20:06:33
Hi Phillipa,
Thanks for seeing me as a lovely person who deserves the best. I have never felt worthy of anyone's love or care. My T constantly tells me she cares about me even if I don't believe it. Someday maybe all the positive things other people think of me will sink in.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on April 15, 2007, at 19:19:06
In reply to Re: How Long to Trust a Therapist and Form a Relat » Phillipa, posted by Poet on April 15, 2007, at 14:09:32
Poet isn't it amazing how others see positive in us and we down ourselves constantly at least I know I do. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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