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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2007, at 23:49:14
Only 2 weeks, not so bad. I think I will be busy and it won't be awful. But if it gets awful, I'm so glad I have this place where so many people understand instantly. ((babblers))
We had a good session today. I told him later it was 'just right' like the porridge in the Goldilocks story...not too hot (intense, emotional), not too cold (cognitive, super-rational) but just right.
He seemed just the slightest bit distracted, maybe (pure guess here) from thinking about the trip he's taking (driving, out of state to be w/family). But in a strange way it was okay. I mean, he still listened and all, and actually, he seemed so extremely relaxed and happy, maybe that's a good kind of distraction.
I tried the first 30 minutes to get up the guts to ask him to leave me a voicemail to listen to while he's gone. (I've never asked for this before.) I talked all around it and he waited, then pushed carefully a couple of times. After I whined and sniffled that I wish this little girl would just be quiet and not need these things, and that I was soooo embarrassed....I eventually blurted it out.
Of course, he said okay, which then sparked a really good discussion about why it was okay. He was totally focused on the fact my first reaction when he said, "Of course, I'd be glad do that," was for me to cry and demand to know "why?" Why it is okay? Doesn't it mean I'm stuck, or back sliding or something? How can he stand it that I want this, after 2.5 years? Isn't he tempted to tell me to get along without it?
I guess one question was: what does it mean that I gather my courage to ask for what I want and need, he agrees to give it, then I am upset and want to know why he's going to give it to me! He alos wanted to know what I told the voice telling the little girl to (my words): "shut up already." Had no good answer for that - not today, and not with a few minutes left before a 2 week break. I only told him that in my head, when the adult and child have their struggles for control, power, who's in charge, who is "me" today, the child usually has nothing to say to criticism - she just cries. He looked sad, and said he "got" why I didn't really want to dig into that too far today. It was hard after that...I know I said a lot and he said a lot, but now my therapy amnesia is pretty strong so I can't recall.
But, he already left the message, and it's pretty nice. Not the best, 'cause I think I kind of put him on the spot time wise...and I didn't tell him what I wanted him to mention (that he'll come back, that'd I'd be alright, that when he's gone he's not really gone) because I wanted it to be "his" words and natural. I secretly hoped he'd know to say at least one of those, but he actually said something different that he wanted me to think about. I know it's about faith, but I have to listen a few more times to grasp it.
So I told him I'd miss him a lot and to be very, very careful (about 10 times, I swear) and to not forget about me, and then I dragged myself out of there. He always shakes my hand before I leave, and times like this, if he only knew how much I want to grip harder and NOT let go, oh...ever..., instead of doing the "right" thing with the handshake. <sigh>
This attachment and love....can't do the work we need to do without it, but can't hardly stand to feel the feelings of separation, loss and sadness - again and again.
I'll try to post about therapy more from now on. I haven't for a long, long time. Not sure why, but I'd like to change that. It's good to know at Babble I'm mostly preaching to the choir. Thanks for listening, anyone.
Posted by Dinah on March 15, 2007, at 0:09:12
In reply to T.'s vacation starts tomorrow (long), posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2007, at 23:49:14
Isn't it utterly amazing when we can ask for what we want and not only is it ok, but we sometimes get it? I wish it was a lesson I learned long long ago.
I remember when I used to hint and hope he'd read my mind, and get angry and frustrated when he didn't understand. And how he'd tell me to just ask for what I wanted, and sometimes the answer would be no, but it was never wrong to ask.
It's a message I really really hope to pass on to my son, because I always believed that if the answer was no, then I was wrong for asking. And that's a rotten way to feel.
I'm glad you had that experience, and gladder that you decided to share it with us. It's good to have you back. :)
Posted by sunnydays on March 15, 2007, at 21:26:20
In reply to T.'s vacation starts tomorrow (long), posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2007, at 23:49:14
I'm sorry happyflower. Vacations are really hard. I actually had to leave for my spring break for a week and a half, so I'm in the middle of that. Great minds think alike... I asked my T to leave me a message as well. He agreed, but then didn't leave one. I was ok, I figured he got busy and forgot, but then he called a couple days ago and left a message that he had injured his back and was on painkillers and hadn't been able to call until then. It was the sweetest message, and I'm so glad I got it. I hope your message will give you comfort too.
sunnydays
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 15, 2007, at 21:46:31
In reply to T.'s vacation starts tomorrow (long), posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2007, at 23:49:14
Great post 10der.
I'm glad you asked, thats a big deal.
Its funny how we respond to stuff....
I once sent a mail to my T that said 'Do you love me? If so,
Well what the f*cks that supposed to mean anyways?'
Sigh.
Yeah kinda sucks when the message isn't what we wanted...but its still good to hear his voice I expect, and it sounds as if he gave you something to mull over.
I think what I want in a message is her calm voice, mebbe the intense but calm she has used once or twice when I've gotten noticably freaked. I do have one calming message saved, its not THAT voice, but its a real nice message.
I'm SO glad you got up the nerve!!!!
I crow about asking for messages, but I couldn't get up the nerve this time.....sigh
Mostly I just save messages on my cell when she leaves a message, and eventually I forget to save, and they are deleted. I have my 2 all time favortites on my mp3 player and one in particular HAS been useful to calm me a few times for sure.
T will be back soon, I'm sure he will be fine.
Meantime, we'd be DELIGHTED!!!!! to hear more from you!
Take care
Posted by Daisym on March 15, 2007, at 23:17:26
In reply to T.'s vacation starts tomorrow (long), posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2007, at 23:49:14
Only 2 weeks, not so bad. I think I will be busy and it won't be awful. But if it gets awful, I'm so glad I have this place where so many people understand instantly. ((babblers))
*****I'm glad you know we are here. Two weeks is still a long time, especially psychologically speaking.We had a good session today. I told him later it was 'just right' like the porridge in the Goldilocks story...not too hot (intense, emotional), not too cold (cognitive, super-rational) but just right. He seemed just the slightest bit distracted, maybe (pure guess here) from thinking about the trip he's taking (driving, out of state to be w/family). But in a strange way it was okay. I mean, he still listened and all, and actually, he seemed so extremely relaxed and happy, maybe that's a good kind of distraction.
**** :) I'm glad you have it to hold onto. I like it when my therapist seems super relaxed.I tried the first 30 minutes to get up the guts to ask him to leave me a voicemail to listen to while he's gone. (I've never asked for this before.) I talked all around it and he waited, then pushed carefully a couple of times. After I whined and sniffled that I wish this little girl would just be quiet and not need these things, and that I was soooo embarrassed....I eventually blurted it out.
****Yeah, I hate all the embarrassment that heats up and leaks out. But I also know that pushing through it and asking is the only way to get what you want. And I say exactly those things -- "I wish this little girl would SHUT UP" -- but they don't do they? So I think you did the right thing by asking for what she (and you) need while he is away.Of course, he said okay, which then sparked a really good discussion about why it was okay. He was totally focused on the fact my first reaction when he said, "Of course, I'd be glad do that," was for me to cry and demand to know "why?"
****I almost always cry when I get what I want from my therapist. It touches a place very deep inside me that responds with astonishment that it is OK to have needs and it won't hurt to have them met. And the fact that someone else thinks I'm worth comforting and supporting (the why question) just doesn't register for awhile.Why it is okay? Doesn't it mean I'm stuck, or back sliding or something? How can he stand it that I want this, after 2.5 years? Isn't he tempted to tell me to get along without it?
****I'm sure he doesn't want you to struggle while he is gone, he wants you to feel secure in your bond and in the fact that he is coming back. I think you wanted to make a strong case as to why you needed to have a voice mail (why you need him) but since he said yes right away, that case -- all those reasons, remained unspoken. It feels like you thought you were going to need to convince him that asking didn't mean you were back sliding and it didn't mean that you weren't making progress. He already knew that. And isn't that great? Can you reframe all of these feelings as progress, since you were able to ask for something you wanted? You've learned, after 2.5 years, that you trust him and that he can't read your mind. I'd say that is huge.I guess one question was: what does it mean that I gather my courage to ask for what I want and need, he agrees to give it, then I am upset and want to know why he's going to give it to me!
***I'll just hazard a guess here that you don't (didn't) think you should have wanted it, and it probably feels very immature and you think it reflects badly on your relationship with him. So it is scary to ask and scary to get it. Gosh, aren't we hard to please?! And for me, I'm often wary, out of habit, of the cost of getting what I want/need too easily. I don't trust that there isn't some enormous consequence down the road.He alos wanted to know what I told the voice telling the little girl to (my words): "shut up already." Had no good answer for that - not today, and not with a few minutes left before a 2 week break. I only told him that in my head, when the adult and child have their struggles for control, power, who's in charge, who is "me" today, the child usually has nothing to say to criticism - she just cries. He looked sad, and said he "got" why I didn't really want to dig into that too far today. It was hard after that...I know I said a lot and he said a lot, but now my therapy amnesia is pretty strong so I can't recall.
****All this is hard to sort out, I think. I often hear my therapist's voice telling "me" to be nice to the little girl parts. He calls that part of me the "commandant" and we both know it is my mother's voice disapproving of needing anything or anyone else. I tell that voice that we are all going to pay for it if we don't soothe the younger parts and lately I'm able to pay attention more and more to that fact. But it is a constant war in my head.But, he already left the message, and it's pretty nice. Not the best, 'cause I think I kind of put him on the spot time wise...and I didn't tell him what I wanted him to mention (that he'll come back, that'd I'd be alright, that when he's gone he's not really gone) because I wanted it to be "his" words and natural. I secretly hoped he'd know to say at least one of those, but he actually said something different that he wanted me to think about. I know it's about faith, but I have to listen a few more times to grasp it.
****I'm glad you have his voice, no matter what he says. I hope you figure out the message in a way that helps you have that faith, both that he is coming back and in yourself during his time away.So I told him I'd miss him a lot and to be very, very careful (about 10 times, I swear) and to not forget about me, and then I dragged myself out of there. He always shakes my hand before I leave, and times like this, if he only knew how much I want to grip harder and NOT let go, oh...ever..., instead of doing the "right" thing with the handshake. <sigh>
*****I'm jealous. I never touch my therapist, except I think I shook his hand when we met. We've talked about it a couple of times and it makes sense to me. Touch is pretty tricky and add in a history of abuse and things get way complicated. So his global policy protects me and him. But still...I'd be like you - wanting to never, ever let go. And I ALWAYS tell him not to forget me (I'm so glad I'm not the only one) and he says, "how could I?" Now -- is that a good thing, or a bad one? :)This attachment and love....can't do the work we need to do without it, but can't hardly stand to feel the feelings of separation, loss and sadness - again and again.
****I've been crying about this all week. Sometimes the attachment stuff is so big and so strong that I want to just run screaming from him and never return. It is gut wrenching to leave each day and weekends are torture. But then it eases up again and I realize what I'm getting from being this attached. And you are right, how could be enter into the dark and scary recesses of our psyche without love and caring to sustain us.Keep checking in. I'm glad you feel like you can. I, of course, recommend baking to soothe away stress and sadness. There is just something about the smell of cinnamon through out the house that makes everyone feel better. At least a little.
Hugs, Daisy
Posted by Dinah on March 16, 2007, at 9:50:05
In reply to Re: T.'s vacation starts tomorrow ((((10der))) » 10derHeart, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 15, 2007, at 21:46:31
I've been saving voicemail messages for a long time, and just figured out a better way to transfer them to my computer, even from my cell phone. Before I could transfer them, but they were way too low in volume.
I must admit that I never really listen to them, but they make me feel better to know I have something of him should he ever for whatever reason leave.
This is the end of the thread.
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