Posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2007, at 23:49:14
Only 2 weeks, not so bad. I think I will be busy and it won't be awful. But if it gets awful, I'm so glad I have this place where so many people understand instantly. ((babblers))
We had a good session today. I told him later it was 'just right' like the porridge in the Goldilocks story...not too hot (intense, emotional), not too cold (cognitive, super-rational) but just right.
He seemed just the slightest bit distracted, maybe (pure guess here) from thinking about the trip he's taking (driving, out of state to be w/family). But in a strange way it was okay. I mean, he still listened and all, and actually, he seemed so extremely relaxed and happy, maybe that's a good kind of distraction.
I tried the first 30 minutes to get up the guts to ask him to leave me a voicemail to listen to while he's gone. (I've never asked for this before.) I talked all around it and he waited, then pushed carefully a couple of times. After I whined and sniffled that I wish this little girl would just be quiet and not need these things, and that I was soooo embarrassed....I eventually blurted it out.
Of course, he said okay, which then sparked a really good discussion about why it was okay. He was totally focused on the fact my first reaction when he said, "Of course, I'd be glad do that," was for me to cry and demand to know "why?" Why it is okay? Doesn't it mean I'm stuck, or back sliding or something? How can he stand it that I want this, after 2.5 years? Isn't he tempted to tell me to get along without it?
I guess one question was: what does it mean that I gather my courage to ask for what I want and need, he agrees to give it, then I am upset and want to know why he's going to give it to me! He alos wanted to know what I told the voice telling the little girl to (my words): "shut up already." Had no good answer for that - not today, and not with a few minutes left before a 2 week break. I only told him that in my head, when the adult and child have their struggles for control, power, who's in charge, who is "me" today, the child usually has nothing to say to criticism - she just cries. He looked sad, and said he "got" why I didn't really want to dig into that too far today. It was hard after that...I know I said a lot and he said a lot, but now my therapy amnesia is pretty strong so I can't recall.
But, he already left the message, and it's pretty nice. Not the best, 'cause I think I kind of put him on the spot time wise...and I didn't tell him what I wanted him to mention (that he'll come back, that'd I'd be alright, that when he's gone he's not really gone) because I wanted it to be "his" words and natural. I secretly hoped he'd know to say at least one of those, but he actually said something different that he wanted me to think about. I know it's about faith, but I have to listen a few more times to grasp it.
So I told him I'd miss him a lot and to be very, very careful (about 10 times, I swear) and to not forget about me, and then I dragged myself out of there. He always shakes my hand before I leave, and times like this, if he only knew how much I want to grip harder and NOT let go, oh...ever..., instead of doing the "right" thing with the handshake. <sigh>
This attachment and love....can't do the work we need to do without it, but can't hardly stand to feel the feelings of separation, loss and sadness - again and again.
I'll try to post about therapy more from now on. I haven't for a long, long time. Not sure why, but I'd like to change that. It's good to know at Babble I'm mostly preaching to the choir. Thanks for listening, anyone.
poster:10derHeart
thread:741146
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/741146.html