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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
I'm feeling torn asunder
My mom is calling daily to ask me how I am and offer yet another reason why I'm not thinking/feeling clearly about all of this... followed by me reminding her that this stuff REALLY happened... followed by her asking me what SHE can do about it... followed by her telling me all the horrible things that she's afraid a "shrink" will do... followed by me telling her exactly what to do to get a therapist. Thank GOD I have some experience with this. I feel like her f*cking babysitter. With her reminding me everyday that she's only doing this because she wants to make ME feel "better". excuses excuses excuses. just tell me you don't want to see a shrink, and tell me to f*ck off. I don't NEED you, and if you want to be a part of my life, well we have to work TOGETHER. *I* can't do everything while you continue living your fantasy, pretending like you and your daughter are a strong team... together forever. right.
I see the whole mess in 7 days. Mom. Dad. her Mom. her Dad. and I'm going to be cringing the entire time. We agreed today that we're not going to bring this up at Gr and Gr's house. (she was delighted to hear me say that! yay! let's sweep it under the rug again...yay!)
T is concerned that I won't have support there. I guess I should be concerned too.
my husband just called me up and said "Heeeeeyyy Bacon!" what am I? pork? oh no, actually he clarifies he was calling me "Peking". WTF?
My troubled ears? HIS troubled mouth!! Okay. I'm kind of laughing now. Who's crazy, anyways :)
I saw my best friend for the last time today. I forgot to mention this to T. :( I miss her already. She's moving far away. probably only get to see her every year or two now. :(
Pseudo's suicide.
I'm scary.
I want to remember him by his stories, not by policy inspired by his suicide.
Wondering who I've pissed off today. Will they think I'm a raving lunatic? (no offense moon. I like you)
And the familiar sense of terror/heavy coming back-- fuzzy thoughts, spaced out, memories of sad pain, blood on my hands, didn't realize I did that to myself. Looking at my limbs, wondering who "those" belong to. Looking at my face, not expecting to see a stranger. feeling like my head is gigantic and my hands are gigantic, and my legs are unconnected to my torso. Unpacking the X-mas tree, when it feels like last week that I packed it in it's little box.
Trying to stay busy and do the right things. Cleaned my place, no trace of mousie. took a klonopin, even though I'm going to feel stoopid tomorrow. Did I really eat trail mix for dinner?
triggered.
Santa Claus called me and asked me what I want for christmas. Nothing. There is nothing that Santa can give me. just go away. Donate my money to Dr. Bob . org, or to the rodeo, or whatever. I don't give a flying f*ck.
So, my question to you. How bad do you feel before you call your T? I have her numbers. I don't want to be whiney. I don't want to be melodramatic. I've never called T before.
Feel out of it. maybe I should just forget it, and when I wake up tomorrow, I'll pretend that this never happened. That I never had a best friend, and I never knew pseudo, or had a mom, or visited the Admin board in anger.
can I erasa my tabula?
just get me out of here.
Posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 22:51:26
In reply to when is BAD enough to call T? ***triggers galore**, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
((((LL)))) If it's bad enough for you to ask "when is it bad enough" then you can call. She gave you the numbers to call to reach her after-hours right? Then you can call. If anything, the voice of someone you think is kind and neutral may help give you some calmness. You can read her this post if you get lost about what to say. (i called my first T once at night during a bad episode before she flew away, and from just talking to her my heart rate came down, and I stopped wobbling, and breathing slowed. She was fine with it after too)
Or you can promise yourself that you'll call her early tomorrow morning. And focus on that, knowing that you're gonna do it(but you actually have to do it), and maybe that can help you get through the night.
[Offering help when you feel so bad :'( ]Safe hugs and strength and stillness. I'll be thinking of you tonight, hoping you're ok.
blove el
Posted by madeline on December 9, 2006, at 7:19:05
In reply to when is BAD enough to call T? ***triggers galore**, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
Llurpsie,
I am a big advocate of calling the T early and often. You certainly have a lot of emotionally heavy things going on right now. It merits a call - if for no other reason than to touch your base and help to give context to what it happening.
In my opinion, your mom will probably continue to throw everything at you in order to protect herself. You may never convince her to go into therapy and you may never get her to fully realize what happened to you.
For me, I eventually got to the place where it doesn't matter what THEY think about it, all that matters is what i KNOW.
I am concerned about you going home for christmas right now. One thing that really helps me is to always drive there and keep my car keys handy. I can leave at any time. It helps me to feel less trapped.
You strike me as a very strong person llurpsie - I mean we all are - look what we lived through. I know that you feel bent right now, but are far from broken.
How's the mouse hunt?
Maddie
Posted by anneke06 on December 9, 2006, at 9:40:26
In reply to when is BAD enough to call T? ***triggers galore**, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
I hope it's OK that I jump in...I don't post often, but sometimes a post hits me and I feel like I need to respond.
Call your therapist...if she's given you a number to call, then it's OK to call. I always get myself in a tizzy wondering if I feel bad enough to call, meanwhile I'm feeling worse by the minute. And then, when I do call, it ALWAYS helps. My therapist always thanks me for calling...she knows how hard it is and how ashamed it makes me on some level, so she always thanks me for pushing through the fears and calling.
I"m sorry it's so hard for you right now...the holidays can be hard for a lot of us who have family "issues" and you have faced yours head on really recently, so yes, you're going to feel more stressed about that than usual.
Do you have caller id on your phone? Nothing wrong with not picking up with your mom calls. I actually changed the ring tone on my phone to identify my mother-in-law's number so I don't answer if it's her....let my husband deal with it!
I hope this helps...just know that all of us struggle with how bad we have to be to call our therapists....but I really believe that they'd rather have us call than not. Hold onto that...and let us know how you're doing.
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on December 9, 2006, at 11:31:47
In reply to when is BAD enough to call T? ***triggers galore**, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
I say call your T. It is something that I always (inappropriately) hesitate to do, but if you are feeling so badly she would want to know. My T always says that if you are feeling so badly and going down hill, she'd rather know before you feel REALLY bad. When you think about it, it is a little disempowering to your T to be falling apart, but not let her know until you actually have fallen apart. Am I making sense? This makes perfect sense in my head!
Take care of yourself. And give T a ring.
Best,
EE
Posted by Poet on December 9, 2006, at 11:36:07
In reply to when is BAD enough to call T? ***triggers galore**, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
Hi Ll,
I hate calling my T, but I know when I'm feeling inside that I am going to either jump out of my skin, crawl under a blanket and cry, or just plain I need to talk to someone who understands, I call her. She's always said it's okay. It's what she's there for. I actually sent her two emails in one day this past week. So I say if you feel you need to call her, it's okay to call her, there's no set state of feeling bad. You've got much going on emotionally right now and to talk to your T might help release some of it.
I am feeling very sad about Pseudo, too. What's really hard for me is that I met him, so I can put a face to his name. I'm deeply sad that any memorials to him are now buried on the admin board hornet nest. I won't go on about that, I'm just going to avoid admin.
I say it's okay to call your T. I'ts okay to call your husband something, too, I'll leave that choice up to you. Mine once called me a scrub bucket, think he's ever going to forget that? Not as long as I can talk.
Try to take care of yourself. Crawl under that blanket if you need to. I'm spending much time hiding from the world these days, too.
(((((Ll)))))
Poet
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 11:47:03
In reply to when is BAD enough to call T? ***triggers galore**, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
Hi All,
I'm sitting in a cafe right now. Can't seem to tear myself away from the internet long enough to breathe. I just need some space from psychobabble, but I have gotten kind of dependent on getting support and feeling better by coming here.I'm really touched that so many responded to my thread. Especially people that I don't often get the opportunity to interact with. That really means a lot to me.
You have all given me good ideas and motivated me. I'm going to call T this afternoon. I don't want to wait until it gets dark, because that makes it really easy to give myself excuses, like it's dinnertime, or it's too late. etc.
I guess I just feel bad that I'm wasting her time. But that's a distortion. She gave me her home # and her office #.
I like her voice. it will help me calm down. so. sounds like a plan, huh?
I'm going to try and work for an hour now. I promised deneb*
-l
Posted by Happyflower on December 9, 2006, at 15:05:42
In reply to thank you everyone, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 11:47:03
Hi Llurpise,
When you are asking if you should call your T, it usually means you should.
I wish I could come see you. I actually miss you already and when you talk about your desk, I am like I was there and I can picture you on your comfey couch. When does your DH come home? ((((((Li)))))))
Just call your T, or call me, if you like. Do you still have my number?
Love,
Happyflower
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 17:19:03
In reply to Re: thank you everyone, posted by Happyflower on December 9, 2006, at 15:05:42
Thanks for offering, Happyflower,
that's really sweet of you. I guess I would prefer to talk about this stuff with my T. I have a little list that's sitting right next to me.I miss you too :) It's fun having friends over :)
I will see husband in 8 days.
When I call my friends I like to talk about normal stuff, not stuff that's going to make me cry. I hate crying or showing people that I hurt. It's nothing to do with you. I'm kinda messy right now, that's all. Shaken, not stirred.
oh well, at least I got my errands done and I have some food to eat, yeah?
brrrRRRRrrr.
-l
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 17:20:55
In reply to Re: thank you everyone » Happyflower, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 17:19:03
hi all,
i called her office phone and left a voice mail, but i'm not sure if i remembered to save it. phooey.then i found her home phone# and left a voice mail there too.
now i'm waiting. maybe she went out for the evening, or even out of town.
waiting... la di dah dum.
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 22:33:20
In reply to I did it... waiting... » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 17:20:55
She called back, and we talked. I read her psuedo's b-mail to me, and told her about psycho-babble for the first time.
All the other stuff that's kind of piling up. I think it's a lot of crap for a single LlurpsieBlossom. It's hard being the only LlurpsieBlossom sometimes.
I've got Brahms and Sibelius to keep me company, and Rachmaninov. If I'm feeling brave, maybe I'll listen to Góreckí's 3rd Symphony.
:(
It was nice to hear her voice, and she said that she was happy that I called before I felt any worse or did anything that we would regret.
thanks, ((((T))))
Posted by zenhussy on December 9, 2006, at 22:39:53
In reply to Talked with Ttelephone *psuedotrigger*, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 22:33:20
well done brave llurpsie.
glad it was positive experience with return call.
glad YOU called! good step in therapeutic relationship. and even better step in llurp health self care.
((smart llurp))
Posted by Phillipa on December 10, 2006, at 23:01:08
In reply to Re: Talked with Ttelephone *psuedotrigger* » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by zenhussy on December 9, 2006, at 22:39:53
Oh I see why you're upset. I'm glad you got your therapist and tomorrow maybe you will feel better. And try and focus on your husband being with you soon. Love Phillipa
Posted by peddidle on December 13, 2006, at 18:45:00
In reply to Talked with Ttelephone *psuedotrigger*, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 9, 2006, at 22:33:20
> She called back, and we talked. I read her psuedo's b-mail to me, and told her about psycho-babble for the first time.
**I'm just curious...what was her reaction when you told her about psycho-babble? A couple of years ago, when I was posting A LOT, I wondered what it would be like if I told my T about it. Do you think maybe a lot of therapists know about it? I wonder if it's like sparknotes with professors-- you know they know about it, but they never (really) mention it. Are you concerned at all that, now that she knows about psycho-babble, she'll start checking the site? I know we should be able to talk to our therapists about anything, but I think I would feel a little weird if mine saw what I posted.
I'm sorry if I brought this up and now you're worried because you never actually thought about it. :/
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 13, 2006, at 21:46:18
In reply to Re: Talked with Ttelephone *psuedotrigger*, posted by peddidle on December 13, 2006, at 18:45:00
> > She called back, and we talked. I read her psuedo's b-mail to me, and told her about psycho-babble for the first time.
>
> **I'm just curious...what was her reaction when you told her about psycho-babble? A couple of years ago, when I was posting A LOT, I wondered what it would be like if I told my T about it. Do you think maybe a lot of therapists know about it? I wonder if it's like sparknotes with professors-- you know they know about it, but they never (really) mention it. Are you concerned at all that, now that she knows about psycho-babble, she'll start checking the site? I know we should be able to talk to our therapists about anything, but I think I would feel a little weird if mine saw what I posted.
>
> I'm sorry if I brought this up and now you're worried because you never actually thought about it. :/No problem pedd..
I was concerned about telling her. But I HAD to, otherwise, how could I explain why his death was so hard, and why the reaction to it was difficult for me to come to terms with.She asked me if it was only for depressed people. I said, it was for all kinds of people. Some people are in bad shape, and others are very high functioning. Sometimes we talk about medication issues, or we talk about things that stress us out in our everyday lives, and that it is also an important social outlet for me.
I'm not concerned that she's going to look me up. For one thing, she's not exactly the "demographic" that has a USB port built in to their temporal lobe. For the other thing, I think she would respect my privacy. She has asked me to bring in e-mails that affect me, or letters, or such. I think that pbabble posts would fall into the same category.
I'm going to come "clean" with her tomorrow, though. I'm going to tell her about the extent of my involvement (1 hour a day, or more) and how I have actually socialized in person with some babblers!
I think it's important that I not keep secrets like this. I tend to kind of insulate certain aspects of my existance from other aspects. I'm concerned that it's just an extension of this "collusion to keep secrets in my family" that she refers to occasionally.
wish me luck! :)-Ll
Posted by annierose on December 13, 2006, at 22:55:43
In reply to Re: Talked with Ttelephone *psuedotrigger* » peddidle, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 13, 2006, at 21:46:18
I talk about babble in therapy quite often, especially about my friendships and how important they are to me. She has never said anything negative about it, nor made me feel silly. She didn't even seem to express concern when I went to meet some people in person (although she may have felt it).
I think you know your t and that she will conduct herself how you have experienced her already - kind, thoughtful and professional. If my t has taken the time to figure out what site I visit, then more power to her. I highly doubt it. She leads a busy life. And quite frankly, there isn't much here that I haven't said to her --- maybe I just gain the courage here first.
This is the end of the thread.
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