Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 22:28:13
I'm feeling torn asunder
My mom is calling daily to ask me how I am and offer yet another reason why I'm not thinking/feeling clearly about all of this... followed by me reminding her that this stuff REALLY happened... followed by her asking me what SHE can do about it... followed by her telling me all the horrible things that she's afraid a "shrink" will do... followed by me telling her exactly what to do to get a therapist. Thank GOD I have some experience with this. I feel like her f*cking babysitter. With her reminding me everyday that she's only doing this because she wants to make ME feel "better". excuses excuses excuses. just tell me you don't want to see a shrink, and tell me to f*ck off. I don't NEED you, and if you want to be a part of my life, well we have to work TOGETHER. *I* can't do everything while you continue living your fantasy, pretending like you and your daughter are a strong team... together forever. right.
I see the whole mess in 7 days. Mom. Dad. her Mom. her Dad. and I'm going to be cringing the entire time. We agreed today that we're not going to bring this up at Gr and Gr's house. (she was delighted to hear me say that! yay! let's sweep it under the rug again...yay!)
T is concerned that I won't have support there. I guess I should be concerned too.
my husband just called me up and said "Heeeeeyyy Bacon!" what am I? pork? oh no, actually he clarifies he was calling me "Peking". WTF?
My troubled ears? HIS troubled mouth!! Okay. I'm kind of laughing now. Who's crazy, anyways :)
I saw my best friend for the last time today. I forgot to mention this to T. :( I miss her already. She's moving far away. probably only get to see her every year or two now. :(
Pseudo's suicide.
I'm scary.
I want to remember him by his stories, not by policy inspired by his suicide.
Wondering who I've pissed off today. Will they think I'm a raving lunatic? (no offense moon. I like you)
And the familiar sense of terror/heavy coming back-- fuzzy thoughts, spaced out, memories of sad pain, blood on my hands, didn't realize I did that to myself. Looking at my limbs, wondering who "those" belong to. Looking at my face, not expecting to see a stranger. feeling like my head is gigantic and my hands are gigantic, and my legs are unconnected to my torso. Unpacking the X-mas tree, when it feels like last week that I packed it in it's little box.
Trying to stay busy and do the right things. Cleaned my place, no trace of mousie. took a klonopin, even though I'm going to feel stoopid tomorrow. Did I really eat trail mix for dinner?
triggered.
Santa Claus called me and asked me what I want for christmas. Nothing. There is nothing that Santa can give me. just go away. Donate my money to Dr. Bob . org, or to the rodeo, or whatever. I don't give a flying f*ck.
So, my question to you. How bad do you feel before you call your T? I have her numbers. I don't want to be whiney. I don't want to be melodramatic. I've never called T before.
Feel out of it. maybe I should just forget it, and when I wake up tomorrow, I'll pretend that this never happened. That I never had a best friend, and I never knew pseudo, or had a mom, or visited the Admin board in anger.
can I erasa my tabula?
just get me out of here.
poster:LlurpsieBlossom
thread:711755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/711755.html