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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
In that sudden way I have of deciding major life decisions like marrying or having a baby. Well, not as sudden as they appeared on the surface, because a lot of planning had gone into the sudden decision.
But I had decided that if I was working primarily so that I could go to therapy, that it just wasn't worth it. I'm doing better going without my therapist between appointments. And work is making me miserable and isn't helping my health.
My husband had been supportive a few months ago of my choosing to stay home. He'd made some adjustments to the household budget and talked about how nice it would be to have a full time mom and wife around.
But when I told him my decision, he was clearly not pleased. And while he didn't say he'd changed his mind, he made himself unpleasant enough to inform me that overall my current employers are a joy in comparison with what he'd be as a "boss".
I don't know. Maybe he suddenly got scared.
But the effect on me was the same sort of feeling I have always had with my husband. I really like and respect him. But one of the first things I told my therapist in the early weeks of therapy was that I thought my husband loved me, but I didn't think he liked me too much.
He complains about my time spent here, and I've come to recognize that I often feel liked here, and not so much at home. I never have, really. And I like to be where I feel liked.
I'm glad I didn't tell my therapist about my decision until I came to an agreement with my husband, because it would have had a negative effect on the therapeutic relationship to virtually quit.
I'm feeling really hopeless right now, and I haven't been around here much. I've mostly been curling up wishing I could die. I'm not sure how much of that has to do with emotional volatility from the flu, and how much of that is due to the fact that I'm well and truly stuck now.
I keep thinking that if I have a heart attack tomorrow, this isn't the way I want to look back on my life. It just isn't.
Posted by happykat on November 25, 2006, at 10:45:17
In reply to I had decided, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
Dinah,
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well and the flu certainly doesn't help. :(
Is there any way to work less hours, just enough to appease your hubby but allow you to spend more time at home?
What is it that YOU need and YOU want that will make YOU happy?
Feel Better :)
Posted by rubenstein on November 25, 2006, at 10:54:24
In reply to I had decided, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
>I am so sorry, that must have been such a tough decision. I will be thinking of you. I bought a really nice soft blanket from Pier 1 that made me feel safe and warm, maybe that would help just a little. take care fo yourself
rachelIn that sudden way I have of deciding major life decisions like marrying or having a baby. Well, not as sudden as they appeared on the surface, because a lot of planning had gone into the sudden decision.
>
> But I had decided that if I was working primarily so that I could go to therapy, that it just wasn't worth it. I'm doing better going without my therapist between appointments. And work is making me miserable and isn't helping my health.
>
> My husband had been supportive a few months ago of my choosing to stay home. He'd made some adjustments to the household budget and talked about how nice it would be to have a full time mom and wife around.
>
> But when I told him my decision, he was clearly not pleased. And while he didn't say he'd changed his mind, he made himself unpleasant enough to inform me that overall my current employers are a joy in comparison with what he'd be as a "boss".
>
> I don't know. Maybe he suddenly got scared.
>
> But the effect on me was the same sort of feeling I have always had with my husband. I really like and respect him. But one of the first things I told my therapist in the early weeks of therapy was that I thought my husband loved me, but I didn't think he liked me too much.
>
> He complains about my time spent here, and I've come to recognize that I often feel liked here, and not so much at home. I never have, really. And I like to be where I feel liked.
>
> I'm glad I didn't tell my therapist about my decision until I came to an agreement with my husband, because it would have had a negative effect on the therapeutic relationship to virtually quit.
>
> I'm feeling really hopeless right now, and I haven't been around here much. I've mostly been curling up wishing I could die. I'm not sure how much of that has to do with emotional volatility from the flu, and how much of that is due to the fact that I'm well and truly stuck now.
>
> I keep thinking that if I have a heart attack tomorrow, this isn't the way I want to look back on my life. It just isn't.
Posted by Jost on November 25, 2006, at 11:02:48
In reply to I had decided, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
I had the same thought about my SigO the other day.
He really never spends time with me. He always has something else to do. The something else constantly changes-- the only thing that doesn't is that he always prefers it, whatever it is, to me.
His mother came to town for a week. He had been extremely, frantically busy for about a month. Then he was away for 8 days, then, when he came back he had a conference he was running, plus another person (business) to squire around for five days. Then his mother came before that was over.
He's spending several hours a day with his mother. (She's staying about 30 minutes away with cousins who have a more family environment and more room).
He gets up, works (at home, which is nice, but he gets very cross if I interrupt ever), gets dressed, and rushes out to spend a few hours on the town with her-- shopping, lunch at a nice restaurant, general company), then other days working all day, running out to have dinner with her. (I was sick otherwise I would have gone at least one day.)
His cousin's wife --where she's staying--and I have this weird unfriendly relationship. I guess she mostly semi-dislikes me, and I don't particularly like her, but I don't dislike her, and wish it could be just not such a big deal, but it's kind of a deal of some sort to her. It's kind of over whether I can wear shoes in their apartment, at this point anyway. I feel very awkward without my shoes-- but she absolutely refused to have me in their house, even though I offered to buy clogs and only wear them in her house. I don't understand what it's about, but I'm not that comfortable in clogs, although it would be okay. But she said the only compromise she would make was that I could put surgical booties over my shoes. Which would make me feel like a circus clown, so I won't.
well, I'm tired. I have the flu, or a two week really horrible cold, so I have to lie down.
My point is-- I started to think, maybe I'm not much fun. I usually feel somewhat sickly-- weak, fatigued, sort of overwhelmed with it-- and I guess that's not very appealing.
I'd like to be more fun.
I'll probably have more thoughts later about what you said Dinah. Do you work more than you need for your T? could you cut back and still afford it?
Jost
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 15:00:18
In reply to Re: I had decided, posted by Jost on November 25, 2006, at 11:02:48
There's a certain number of hours I need to work in order to qualify for the medical plan that helps a lot with my therapy bills. I could probably work less and go to therapy less often. But sometimes I think a complete break with therapy would be easier than cutting back.
It sounds like you must have something similar to what I have. It's been at least two weeks, and the cough and the slight fever and mild nausea and overall malaise linger even though the worse symptoms are past. And I've lost the ability to keep in mind that I'll feel better some day. :)
I think your problem might be from a different angle than mine with my husband's. If anything he likes me more depressed than he does happy. Since marriage, and even more since my son was born, he's this incredibly responsible guy. He's still funny and can make me laugh, but he holds himself and everyone else to incredibly high standards. I feel like I'm always letting him down. I don't put away the dishes correctly, never mind washing them. Nothing I do is done correctly, it seems. There's just this hovering disapproval.
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 15:11:49
In reply to Re: I had decided, posted by rubenstein on November 25, 2006, at 10:54:24
Thanks Rachel.
It's hard to make a tough decision then have to unmake it.
I've got my daybed set up extra comfy, and with a blanky (or sheet in this weather) and the mounds of pillows, I can even doze in a mostly sitting position. It's great for self comfort when you have chest congestion. :)
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 15:18:24
In reply to Re: I had decided Dinah, posted by happykat on November 25, 2006, at 10:45:17
Thanks Happykat.
I've got some work issues that make it difficult for me to work just a little. I've tried cutting back, with no obvious effect. In the end, if the work needs to be done and no one else does it, I feel compelled to do it.
And truth be told, I probably spend as much time procrastinating and worrying about work as I do working. :( But that's hard work too!
Posted by annierose on November 25, 2006, at 17:00:24
In reply to I had decided, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
I'm just a little confused. If I am reading your post correctly, I remember early last summer you spoke with your husband about quitting work. Since that discussion (that went well) have you brought up your decision again? and want to enact it now? And now your husband is disappointed and wants you to continue to work even though you do not like your job?
I understand the feeling that it may be easier quitting therapy than cutting back. I have quit therapy in my past and believe me, it's only easier saying "I quit" than actually not going week after week after week. It is VERY hard to do -- but I know that feeling well and I have been to that point since but I remember how painful an abrupt termination feels --- TERRIBLE!
Have you ever told your husband what you said here: (that is my therapist talking - a typical question of hers)
>>>But one of the first things I told my therapist in the early weeks of therapy was that I thought my husband loved me, but I didn't think he liked me too much.
He complains about my time spent here, and I've come to recognize that I often feel liked here, and not so much at home. I never have, really. And I like to be where I feel liked.<<<
He may be surprised you feel this way. He may not feel that way at all. My t would say, "Don't you think that could be a worthwhile conversation?" (Now you know why my t was so annoying the past few months).
I don't think you are stuck. You can still quit your job and see your therapist. Remind your husband that he agreed to it a few months ago but you wanted to take your time making the decision, and now you have and this is what you decided and just "DO IT".
I'm sorry you still are sick. My son woke up with the stomach flu @ 3 a.m. last night and kept the entire family awake the rest of the evening. Of course, they got to nap today (all 3 of them) --- guess who works in retail and had to stand on her feet all day??? ... and now go to my sister's 50th birthday party in a cocktail dress feeling like yesterday's leftovers --- sigh.
((((((DINAH)))))))))) we will both get through this next month!! somehow we will!
Posted by madeline on November 26, 2006, at 7:37:31
In reply to I had decided, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
It sounds to me you've got three issues here (just call me captain obvious):
1. You hate your job
2. You don't think your husband likes you
3. Therapy is fizzling out.
Which do you think would be easiest to solve?
Is finding another job realistic?
Is finding another therapist realistic?I won't even ask about the husband, but did you tell your husband how you reacted to his response? Do you think he knows that you suspect he doesn't like you?
You are a good communicator Dinah and I'm sure you can resolve these problems, but give yourself some time to get over the flu.
My hair hurt when I had the flu.
Maddie
Posted by muffled on November 26, 2006, at 23:04:18
In reply to Re: I had decided » Jost, posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 15:00:18
Posted by Dinah on November 27, 2006, at 8:01:08
In reply to (((((((Dinah)))))) (nm) » Dinah, posted by muffled on November 26, 2006, at 23:04:18
I guess I had just figured that after 11 1/2 years of therapy, that not working might be more therapeutic than what I still could learn. I really am doing much better now than I was and I understand myself more. And the rift of Katrina brought some space between my therapist and I that probably has something to do with contemplating not having forever therapy.
My husband knows how I feel, and while he says that of course he likes me, he also acknowledges that I have reason to believe otherwise. He wishes I wouldn't think so much, I think. :)
I've had problems with work for some time, since Daddy retired then died. I think there are a few reasons for that, including that I am constantly feeling overwhelmed and don't work well that way.
But just as much, my desire is to go to something as to get away from something. I really would like to make a more homey home for my family.
This is the end of the thread.
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