Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 10:16:04
In that sudden way I have of deciding major life decisions like marrying or having a baby. Well, not as sudden as they appeared on the surface, because a lot of planning had gone into the sudden decision.
But I had decided that if I was working primarily so that I could go to therapy, that it just wasn't worth it. I'm doing better going without my therapist between appointments. And work is making me miserable and isn't helping my health.
My husband had been supportive a few months ago of my choosing to stay home. He'd made some adjustments to the household budget and talked about how nice it would be to have a full time mom and wife around.
But when I told him my decision, he was clearly not pleased. And while he didn't say he'd changed his mind, he made himself unpleasant enough to inform me that overall my current employers are a joy in comparison with what he'd be as a "boss".
I don't know. Maybe he suddenly got scared.
But the effect on me was the same sort of feeling I have always had with my husband. I really like and respect him. But one of the first things I told my therapist in the early weeks of therapy was that I thought my husband loved me, but I didn't think he liked me too much.
He complains about my time spent here, and I've come to recognize that I often feel liked here, and not so much at home. I never have, really. And I like to be where I feel liked.
I'm glad I didn't tell my therapist about my decision until I came to an agreement with my husband, because it would have had a negative effect on the therapeutic relationship to virtually quit.
I'm feeling really hopeless right now, and I haven't been around here much. I've mostly been curling up wishing I could die. I'm not sure how much of that has to do with emotional volatility from the flu, and how much of that is due to the fact that I'm well and truly stuck now.
I keep thinking that if I have a heart attack tomorrow, this isn't the way I want to look back on my life. It just isn't.
poster:Dinah
thread:707024
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/707024.html