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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
I struggled through last night, hour by hour. Everything hurt. Every part of my brain is screaming for relief. I had a tough week in therapy, ending with a tough group Weds night. My therapist was pushy and hard on me (so I felt) yesterday. I left believing that he thinks I should do something I don't think I can do. He wants me to put my needs before someone else's in my group. It is complicated and I don't even really know this other person. But it is so clear that he thinks I should fight for myself and I think I'm upset about something stupid.
And the tidal wave of hurt and pain is about recognizing that here, yet again, is another situation that is harder than it has to be because of my inability to get past the past. It didn't help that my husband called and was pushy about wanting to spend time together so we can "fix" our marriage. He doesn't understand why I don't want to. "Why can't you be cheerful?" he asked me. I don't have the capacity to make him understand because I don't understand what is really wrong. I just want to be left alone, to slink away and not grapple with any one else's needs. How selfish is that?
I want to give up. I want to stop therapy, I want to stop trying, I want to stop living. Doesn't Streisand have a song called, "Stop the World, I want to Get Off?"
Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2006, at 16:12:11
In reply to Giving Up (Trigger), posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
You've had a rough week.
I'll bet what you're upset about isn't stupid at all, and I appreciate that your therapist cares enough about you to want you to address it.
But not even for him do you have to address something until and unless you're ready for it.
It's ok to tell him and your husband that for right now you need to sit back and take some deep breaths. That you've gone a long way and aren't ready to take another step right now. It's fine to step back, curl up, and take care of your own needs. You've gone far, you've toiled hard, you're entitled to do that.
And your therapist should be proud of you for being assertive about what you need right now. ;)
(((Daisy)))
It'll get better than it is right now. It really will. Just curl up and rest and regain some energy.
Posted by zenhussy on July 14, 2006, at 16:15:30
In reply to Giving Up (Trigger), posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
not around much due to rl circumstances and only reading here and there when able to get to computer.....
your journey is an amazing one Daisy. your dedication to this work and to YOURSELF/VES is without comparison!
sorry to hear things are sounding like they are. only after so many years of our own work and introspective examinations can we say that we see much progress in the travels you've shared with this board.
we doubt it is comfort but we would like to say anyway that you're doing an amazing job and you're going to have these times when it seems all too much..........but your abilities to handle these times have changed and will continue to keep changing....and those changes are for the better for you. you're not changing to please others. this is your work for you because you all deserve to feel well and more wholeness and balance with all you exist with.
with hope for your continued healing path,
--zh
Posted by annierose on July 14, 2006, at 16:19:44
In reply to Giving Up (Trigger), posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
I'm so sad that you had such a hard week. I wish I knew how to soothe your pain with "just the right thing to say". I struggle finding the words.
Can you try to listen to your T's advice as just that --- as a suggestion. You are the member that is a part of that group, and ultimately, you get to decide how you want to handle that interaction. Or if you have a phone call from T today, ask him, "Did you want me to say xyz to sally?", because I don't feel comfortable, I'm confused.
I think talking to your husband escalates your emotions. He wants to "fix" a marriage and you are trying to decide if it's worth fixing. That's pressure, not the kind you need right now. His "Why can't you be cheeful?" --- sent shivers up my spine --- since when was he cheerful? I think I'd answer, "That's not my job anymore." It's not selfish at all to want to grapple with just YOU for awhile. You had to shove your wants and needs to the back burner for 40 years. Therapy is all about YOU. And it's so hard to focus on ourselves, it's uncomfortable, it's "proper/appropriate" attention we didn't receive as children.
I won't let you give up. You need to do this for you.
I won't be by a computer much this weekend. If you need to talk to me you can always call me.
Annie
Posted by rubenstein on July 14, 2006, at 17:07:11
In reply to Giving Up (Trigger), posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
oh, daisym i am sorry. I hate hard sessions and it seems like things are tough for you right now. I don't have much advice for you except that I am thinking of you and know that you can get through this. I hate when people say that to me, but sometimes it helps. YOu have helped me through some hard times and i think it is that strength that can get you through this trying time in your life.
take care
rachel
Posted by tofuemmy on July 14, 2006, at 18:22:27
In reply to Giving Up (Trigger), posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
Jeepers.
Ya know, I'm not a hugger Daisy. So, here's my offer. Come here and sit with me. On the floor across from me at the coffee table. I have "Harold and the Purple Crayon" AND AND AND a purple crayon that I stole from my T.
So we could go anywhere and do anything which we could coherently draw. We might play footsie too.
Now, you KNOW I won't let you give up. And you know all the reasons which I'd give you. Right? So I won't repeat myself. Lucky you.
Just know that I care loads.
Kisses, Emmy
Posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 19:03:57
In reply to Re: Not Giving Up (Trigger), posted by tofuemmy on July 14, 2006, at 18:22:27
Thanks for all the encouragement. I just continue to fail today and I'm more and more aware at how far behind I really am. Good thing it is Friday.
I think I'm going to cave and give myself a private pity party and drown out the noise in my head. Not the best solution I know but I need to numb out somehow.
Hugs to all. I wish I was stronger.
Posted by antigua on July 14, 2006, at 20:23:12
In reply to I think it is just too hard, posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 19:03:57
I was right there with you last night. We could have had our pity party together.
I haven't been posting much, and I'm not going to take over your thread, but I hear you loud and clear. I've been heavily triggered since a visit to my mother and I'm so sick of this! Why can't I get over it?????
I'm bringing my blanket over and joining you.
hang in there, Daisy, I admire you tremendously for having the guts to go to group. I don't think I could do it.
best,
antigua
Posted by LadyBug on July 15, 2006, at 0:54:23
In reply to I think it is just too hard, posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 19:03:57
((((Daisym)))))
No one said you can't have your own pity party. I'm sure you wouldn't be alone in it.
When does life get any easier? It's one thing for you to try and work on "yourself" and yet another one to try to work on a "marriage". I know how hard the battle is. You are a few years ahead of me there but I am totally unhappy in my marriage. It just gets worse every week. I absolutly hate it!!
Do you want to work on your marriage? Or are you liking having your own place and your own space? What does your T think you should do at this point? Or does he say? You are a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. But being strong to me is painful!!!!!!!!!!!! And it comes with a price we pay. Dang it anyway!
I'm hoping the next few days start to feel better for you. I hope your pity party helps a lot, if not have another one until you feel better.
Take care~
LadyBug
This is the end of the thread.
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