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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on May 31, 2006, at 22:57:35
I saw my T today. The one who dumped me a year and a half ago because I wouldn't take AD's. I was scared; so much so that my fingers were purple. But she was absolutely wonderful and warm and her eyes showed she really cared. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be emotionally held. It's really phenomenal, isn't it?
I was afraid that it would feel like she was holding back or being punitive and it didn't at all. She said more than once that it was good to see me and she told me she'd thought of me often over the months, wondering how I was. My throat tightened and tears filled my eyes when she said that. I wish I knew how to just let them come. I think it could have been very cathartic. But I stuffed them like I always do. It comes naturally to me, like breathing. How does one not breathe?
Maybe I'm reading into things too much or just seeing what I want to see, but she made me feel like I was somehow special or important. She told me that, week after next, she's only going to be in the office for a day and a half. She said we might want to go ahead and schedule a time now for that week before it filled up. I jumped on it. She didn't have to offer that to me. I'd bet there are some regulars from the days she'll be out who would have liked to get one of those slots.
If only the maternal transference crap hadn't smacked me in the face. I'd hoped it'd be different this time. Or that it would have at least built slowly over time. But, *no*, it was nearly immediate. Does this mean I still trust her after all that happened? Is that safe?
Posted by ClearSkies on June 1, 2006, at 5:59:41
In reply to It actually went really well, posted by jammerlich on May 31, 2006, at 22:57:35
I'm so glad your appointment went well. My personal take on transference is that helps me be more receptive to the therapeutic process. I'm more apt to follow advice or confide in someone that I trust.
I pretty much develop transference with all my health care providers: chiropractor, dentist, pdoc, and T. They haven't let me down yet.
And during our sessions we often take "breathing breaks" when it's apparent that I'm starting to gasp with anxiety and tension.
ClearSkies
Posted by milly on June 1, 2006, at 9:06:10
In reply to It actually went really well, posted by jammerlich on May 31, 2006, at 22:57:35
I was thinking about you yesterday and so glad to read your post about how well it went.
I think it sound natural to slip back into the 'mother' thing as it was such a big part last time
She sounds kind and caring especially making sure you got one of the slots for that week
milly
Posted by fairywings on June 3, 2006, at 19:08:51
In reply to It actually went really well, posted by jammerlich on May 31, 2006, at 22:57:35
I'm glad it went well and she showed how much she cared about you jammerlich. Do you think you'll be able to approach the subject of the AD's, or is that something you don't want to deal with? It took a lot of guts to go back - glad you did.
Tears can make you feel so vulnerable and exposed sometimes, can't they? It does feel good when you can shed a few - esp. if you can do it without getting all embarrassingly snotty in the process! ; )
Does she know about your transference? If so, has she talked about it with you? Is it something you feel safe enough to talk about?
Transference is hard...it feels so good and so bad at the same time. With my T...I want to have the relationship, but I'm afraid I care too much he'll be gone. I want to see him every week, but sometimes I wish I'd never started because it's hard to go w/o seeing him, and harder when he cancels. I wish I'd had a father like him, I wonder how it would've been to have him for a father - probably nothing like how he is in therapy because with families real life gets in the way.I'm glad she made you feel special, I hope soon you feel safe.
fw
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 7:16:33
In reply to It actually went really well, posted by jammerlich on May 31, 2006, at 22:57:35
Posted by jammerlich on June 5, 2006, at 14:40:45
In reply to How are you? (nm) » jammerlich, posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 7:16:33
Terrified. And really not wanting to have this conversation with my husband. I have another appointment in the morning. I guess that's good.
I find myself hoping I'll die in my sleep one of these next two nights so I won't have to do this. He is going to be blind-sided and I hate to do this to him.
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 17:42:09
In reply to Re: How are you? » ClearSkies, posted by jammerlich on June 5, 2006, at 14:40:45
Oh, sweetie. Maybe he won't be surprised, but relieved?
CS
Posted by jammerlich on June 5, 2006, at 18:59:15
In reply to Re: How are you? » jammerlich, posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 17:42:09
I hope he's not surprised, but I really feel like he will be. He's been talking a good deal about the future lately - trips to take together, remodeling to do on the house, etc. That doesn't sound to me like a man who is anywhere near ready to come out and leave his marriage.
A couple of people I've confided in are concerned that he will be so afraid for people to know that he will kill us both. I'm certainly going to go out of my way to be kind and NOT push any buttons; but, I guess if it happens, it happens. I'm actually sort of at peace with that. I just want to finish getting my house straight because I'm horrified at the thought of anyone ever knowing we live this way. It isn't pretty.
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 19:04:21
In reply to Re: How are you? ***trigger???*** » ClearSkies, posted by jammerlich on June 5, 2006, at 18:59:15
I had a similar experience when I was seperating from my husband. A real gung-ho effort at pretending we were doing great, la la la la.
Posted by jammerlich on June 7, 2006, at 21:02:52
In reply to Re: How are you? ***trigger???*** » jammerlich, posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 19:04:21
I don't think I could have hoped for much better. He didn't deny it at all. Admitted everything. He even asked me to go to his T appt. with him. He'd never talked about it there either. It's been a strange day....
Posted by milly on June 8, 2006, at 6:03:26
In reply to I did it » ClearSkies, posted by jammerlich on June 7, 2006, at 21:02:52
wow, you are amazing, well done, you must be proud of both of you, it must have been a wierd wierd day but you are on to the next one now
(((((((jammerlich)))))))))
milly
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 8, 2006, at 9:03:34
In reply to I did it » ClearSkies, posted by jammerlich on June 7, 2006, at 21:02:52
Jammerlich, I'm so proud of you and relieved that the talk with your husband went well. I've been following your progress, even though I haven't been in a position to post much lately. I'm thinking about you, though. Please keep us posted, okay?
Posted by ClearSkies on June 8, 2006, at 10:56:44
In reply to I did it » ClearSkies, posted by jammerlich on June 7, 2006, at 21:02:52
((((Jammerlich)))) that must have been a strange day indeed. And a milestone, and hopefully a relief.
I'm very proud of you.
CS
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