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It actually went really well

Posted by jammerlich on May 31, 2006, at 22:57:35

I saw my T today. The one who dumped me a year and a half ago because I wouldn't take AD's. I was scared; so much so that my fingers were purple. But she was absolutely wonderful and warm and her eyes showed she really cared. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be emotionally held. It's really phenomenal, isn't it?

I was afraid that it would feel like she was holding back or being punitive and it didn't at all. She said more than once that it was good to see me and she told me she'd thought of me often over the months, wondering how I was. My throat tightened and tears filled my eyes when she said that. I wish I knew how to just let them come. I think it could have been very cathartic. But I stuffed them like I always do. It comes naturally to me, like breathing. How does one not breathe?

Maybe I'm reading into things too much or just seeing what I want to see, but she made me feel like I was somehow special or important. She told me that, week after next, she's only going to be in the office for a day and a half. She said we might want to go ahead and schedule a time now for that week before it filled up. I jumped on it. She didn't have to offer that to me. I'd bet there are some regulars from the days she'll be out who would have liked to get one of those slots.

If only the maternal transference crap hadn't smacked me in the face. I'd hoped it'd be different this time. Or that it would have at least built slowly over time. But, *no*, it was nearly immediate. Does this mean I still trust her after all that happened? Is that safe?

 

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poster:jammerlich thread:651295
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/651295.html