![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
My husband and I had a joint session today trying to get out of going in circles over whether or not to move.
And when my husband left, there was a bounce in his step and he was happier than I've seen him in months. And all evening he's been very loving towards me.
Magic.
It was kind of interesting to see my therapist in his more impersonal therapist role. He definitely had a different style with my husband than he has with me, and I think it was more like he had with me in the very beginning.
And my therapist did a lot of talking about me to my husband (and vice versa of course), with my permission. And that was most interesting of all. He was direct, but very kind in how he phrased things, and he really did understand why I'm behaving the way I'm behaving. Even though I didn't tell him those things directly. He really does understand me.
He put my behavior in such a compassionate and caring way. I had always thought he thought badly of me for it. But maybe I'm just seeing my own reflection in his words.
My husband is back to being indecisive, but in a different way.
Magic.
Posted by Tabitha on June 5, 2006, at 22:37:28
In reply to Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
Sounds like a great session Dinah. I'm glad to hear you get some faith-restoring stuff from him, after the difficult period you've been through. And it sounds like a help to your relationship with hubby as well. Congrats.
Posted by curtm on June 5, 2006, at 22:44:07
In reply to Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
Posted by madeline on June 6, 2006, at 8:03:06
In reply to Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
I've thought the same thing about my therapist as well. They are much much closer to magicians than clinicians.
I'm so glad you had a good session AND that you were able to share it with your husband.
Maddie
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 6, 2006, at 8:35:53
In reply to Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
Dinah, I'm so happy the session went so well. And I'm glad your T is MAGIC. You deserve nothing less.
Thanks for sharing this with all of us.
Posted by B2chica on June 6, 2006, at 9:13:29
In reply to Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
isn't interesting to see a viewpoint from a totally different direction. i think seeing your T interact with your hubby and listening to him 'talk about you' to someone else really gave you insight into how he thinks about you...i wish we could all experience that.
i know i did often wonder how my T would talk about me as a client to others...very happy for you ((((Dinah))))
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 10:55:58
In reply to Re: Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by B2chica on June 6, 2006, at 9:13:29
to each other about me. Narcissistic of me?
My therapist of course understood me better, because he's trained to do things like that. But they were both very positive, while still honest, and it felt nice.
My husband and I have been getting along much better since the whole family was holed up for a month in a hotel room. Go figure.
I think I came away with the conviction that while I rely on my therapist for support and consider him my therapist mommy, my mental health would overall be better with a happy husband who has a stable job than insisting on staying with my therapist.
Which doesn't mean I won't tantrum.
And I made my husband promise that if we moved, he'd never be able to worry about losing his job to me again. He'd have to hire a therapist for that, because I just can't tolerate the anxiety. I'm getting some "old pain" signals there that I'm going to consider.
My husband on the other hand seems to have decided it would be wiser to stay. I haven't figured out why yet.
My therapist did tell my husband that even if I quit my job, he thought I'd benefit from ongoing therapy wherever I was. That my job and stress played a big role in my need for therapy, but that wasn't all there was. And he asked me if I didn't think I was better when I had therapy. I turned to the person who'd best know, my husband, and he answered in surprise that yes, I was much better. I wryly observed that that was likely because he used to get a share of the cr*p my therapist puts up with from me, and they were both amused, but seemed to agree.
I hope he didn't decide he'd rather stay here so he didn't have to get my cr*p again. :)
It's still up in the air, but I believe we're going to decide for good today based on external variables. We have a plan.
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 12:16:56
In reply to My favorite part was listening to them talk, posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 10:55:58
While the external variable we were waiting for would likely go in favor of staying, and we were all pretty happy last night with that, husband's boss talked to him about moving today, and husband seems to feel some pressure to move.
I've decided to pretend this is a TV show or something.
Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 15:24:00
In reply to Oh drat. The suspense heightens., posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 12:16:56
(((((Dinah)))))
Sorry it's so hard with the suspense.
The meeting with your husband and therapist sounds wonderful. It's lovely that your magic therapist understands you so well and speaks kindly about you.
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:35:09
In reply to Oh drat. The suspense heightens., posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 12:16:56
so we can't change our minds.
My husband feels reasonably good about it. It's what he had decided last night, and it turns out he misunderstood his boss and everything's ok there.
But I feel a bit bad (and very relieved). I think all this coming and going and toing and froing was because of me more than anything else. And I think it came from the gap between what I wanted to be and what I really was.
I wanted to be the sort of person who could let go and move on if that's what made her husband happy and secure. And I kept trying to convince myself of that, and him. But I'm not. :( When push came to shove, I got hysterical every time and sobbed and cried until I nearly made myself sick and in some cases self injured and in general acted like a two year old in a tantrum. And the most I could do about it was to tell my husband to ignore me when I'm acting like that, and that I probably would act like that, and that he shouldn't let it affect what we did any more than he would let my son's reaction to leaving affect our decision.
And today I got angry at having to do that over and over and shouted at him that it wasn't fair to expect me to convince him to go tell his boss that we were leaving. That I said to ignore me and tell his boss we were leaving, and it wasn't fair for him to ask me to repeat it over and over and reassure him that it's what I really wanted while I was crying so hard. That I had told him for weeks to ignore me when I got upset and I didn't see what more I could do.
I wish I were a better person.
Because I know my therapist isn't worth getting all this upset over that I can't bring myself to be happy about a move that otherwise I'd probably find positive and exciting.
And I kept telling my husband that too. That my therapist was likely to take another job or move away or die or something, and it didn't make sense to stay because of him.
But in the end, I guess my husband couldn't manage to ignore me. He's been really nice about it. He said that sure, my therapist may not be worth it in general, but he's worth it to me. And that he couldn't bring himself to do something that upset me so much, unless the alternative was immediate unemployment. And that everything would be ok.
My husband was perfectly wonderful. But I wasn't. :(
I have real trouble not living up to my own expectations.
Why on earth am I so attached to this man? Why on earth can't I let go, even after all that's happened? Why can't I be the person I want to be?
Maybe if it ever comes up again, I'll make sure I'm on enough medication that I can manage to do the right thing. And why on earth didn't that occur to me earlier? On six Risperdal a day, I probably wouldn't have noticed I was leaving my therapist. I am a total idiot not to have thought of that.
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:36:33
In reply to Re: Oh drat. The suspense heightens., posted by Tamar on June 6, 2006, at 15:24:00
Yes it is.
Of course, he's also the same therapist who didn't return my phone call today when I called him in strong hysterics.
But isn't my husband lovely?
Posted by orchid on June 6, 2006, at 18:58:16
In reply to We're staying and we've burned the bridges behind, posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:35:09
You are so very extremely lucky to have this man in your life who could understand your attachment to another man (though not romantically, it still is an attachment). My husband would never ever understand it. And to think your husband is willing to stay back so you could be with your T is beyond any words.
You must have done lot of good things in your prior births to get a husband like this :-)
This is a time to have fun and enjoy. And who knows, later on down the line maybe a year from now, maybe you will be ready to move happily and it might be a good idea to postpone it till then. I mean, what could be lost by staying here for some more time?
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 19:10:18
In reply to Your husband sounds extremely wonderful » Dinah, posted by orchid on June 6, 2006, at 18:58:16
He *is* wonderful. And even I, as nonjealous as I am, think it's amazing that he's not the tiniest bit upset about my being attached to another man. I've always been really open about it, though, so I guess that reassured him.
I am *very* lucky to have him.
And I did suggest that if this comes up again, to remind me to take those meds, so we can maybe go through with moving without hysterical outbursts on my part.
Posted by fallsfall on June 7, 2006, at 10:16:34
In reply to Re: Your husband sounds extremely wonderful ? orchid, posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 19:10:18
I'm glad that it is settled. The uncertainty was unbearable.
Now you can focus on fixing up your house and deciding what to do about work. Time to move on.
Wanting to behave differently is the second step to being able to behave differently (the first step is recognizing that there is a different way to behave). You are learning.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by fairywings on June 7, 2006, at 11:13:13
In reply to Maybe my therapist really is magic, posted by Dinah on June 5, 2006, at 20:29:30
Hi Dinah,
I'm glad the appt. went so well for everyone, and that your T talked so nicely about you. How was the decision made for you to have a joint session? Did you still get your regualr appt? I don't think I'd ever share my therapy time or my T.
It would be nice to be a "fly on the wall" and hear what's said about you. Glad it was helpful for everyone.
fw
Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2006, at 16:48:25
In reply to Re: Maybe my therapist really is magic » Dinah, posted by fairywings on June 7, 2006, at 11:13:13
My attachment for him has led me from the paths of righteousness, and I must make sure I never behave so badly again.
Posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 17:18:51
In reply to We're staying and we've burned the bridges behind, posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:35:09
I’m glad the decision is made. And I think it was the right one for you, from everything you’ve said about it.
> But I feel a bit bad (and very relieved). I think all this coming and going and toing and froing was because of me more than anything else. And I think it came from the gap between what I wanted to be and what I really was.
But you’re wonderful just the way you are!
> I wanted to be the sort of person who could let go and move on if that's what made her husband happy and secure. And I kept trying to convince myself of that, and him. But I'm not. :( When push came to shove, I got hysterical every time and sobbed and cried until I nearly made myself sick and in some cases self injured and in general acted like a two year old in a tantrum. And the most I could do about it was to tell my husband to ignore me when I'm acting like that, and that I probably would act like that, and that he shouldn't let it affect what we did any more than he would let my son's reaction to leaving affect our decision.
It sounds to me as if you are being too hard on yourself. You are absolutely the sort of person who can do what makes her husband happy and secure. You do it often. That’s part of the reason he loves you. As it happens, you couldn’t do this particular thing. But you had a good reason. It was too hard for you. That’s allowed. You are allowed to need things, even therapists. If you couldn’t let go and move on, then moving was the wrong thing for you all as a family. Your needs are very important. I really don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of or beat yourself up about.
> And today I got angry at having to do that over and over and shouted at him that it wasn't fair to expect me to convince him to go tell his boss that we were leaving. That I said to ignore me and tell his boss we were leaving, and it wasn't fair for him to ask me to repeat it over and over and reassure him that it's what I really wanted while I was crying so hard. That I had told him for weeks to ignore me when I got upset and I didn't see what more I could do.
I think you are very brave. I don’t know that I could have done what you did.
> I wish I were a better person.
Dinah, you are one of the best people in the world. You are compassionate, thoughtful, sensitive, bright, interesting and fun. Sometimes we all want to be different. But you are who are you are and, as it happens, who you are is wonderful. If you were more able to let go and move on, then you might be less sensitive or compassionate or thoughtful. I can see that being Dinah can hurt sometimes, and I’m sorry that it hurts. But I can’t imagine people much better than you.
> Because I know my therapist isn't worth getting all this upset over that I can't bring myself to be happy about a move that otherwise I'd probably find positive and exciting.
But he is that important because that’s just how it is.
> And I kept telling my husband that too. That my therapist was likely to take another job or move away or die or something, and it didn't make sense to stay because of him.
And yet… sense or no sense, you need him. And that’s just how it is.
> But in the end, I guess my husband couldn't manage to ignore me. He's been really nice about it. He said that sure, my therapist may not be worth it in general, but he's worth it to me. And that he couldn't bring himself to do something that upset me so much, unless the alternative was immediate unemployment. And that everything would be ok.
Your husband sounds like a good guy. I’m so glad your feelings are important to him. You deserve to have your feelings appreciated.
> My husband was perfectly wonderful. But I wasn't. :(
>
> I have real trouble not living up to my own expectations.I suspect what you’ve done is lived up to your needs, even if they weren’t what you wanted them to be. And I think that’s a very positive thing. It can be all too easy to do what your partner wants regardless of your own feelings. On this occasion, you knew what was at stake for you and you were able to fight for it. I think this kind of decision is as much fighting to relationship as some of the work you’ve done in therapy. Your needs matter, and you’re finding ways to make sure they’re met. I think that’s a very positive thing.
> Why on earth am I so attached to this man? Why on earth can't I let go, even after all that's happened? Why can't I be the person I want to be?Perhaps because you know deep down that you’re not ready to let go at this point? And that’s the person you need to be. And maybe you’re attached to him because he understands and accepts you more than almost anyone on the planet. I know I’d have trouble giving that up.
> Maybe if it ever comes up again, I'll make sure I'm on enough medication that I can manage to do the right thing. And why on earth didn't that occur to me earlier? On six Risperdal a day, I probably wouldn't have noticed I was leaving my therapist. I am a total idiot not to have thought of that.
Argh! That sounds like a very bad idea! Stop it!
(((((Dinah)))))
I’m sorry things have been so hard. But I really think this is probably what you need at the moment, and you’re allowed to need what you need. And I’ve always thought that emotional needs should take precedence over practicalities.
Do take care of yourself.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on June 8, 2006, at 11:51:12
In reply to Re: We're staying and we've burned the bridges behind » Dinah, posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 17:18:51
That's pretty much what my husband and therapist are telling me. I wish I could be as kind to myself as you are to me.
There was a last minute scare for my husband last night where he got an email that seemed to say he had to move. The weird thing was that while he fell apart, I was calm. My son and I were reassuring him that if it wasn't a mistake we wouldn't blame him and we'd be ok.
I'm not sure if it was my maternal instincts or if it was the lack of free will, but it really seemed ok.
And that was after an enormous fight earlier about leaving my son with my mother at her house to go to therapy, culminating in me leaving my check with my therapist and leaving before the session started to go pick him up.
I think I know why I've been craving salt lately. It's the enormous amount I've been losing in tears. :) Maybe things will get better now.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.