Posted by Tamar on June 7, 2006, at 17:18:51
In reply to We're staying and we've burned the bridges behind, posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:35:09
I’m glad the decision is made. And I think it was the right one for you, from everything you’ve said about it.
> But I feel a bit bad (and very relieved). I think all this coming and going and toing and froing was because of me more than anything else. And I think it came from the gap between what I wanted to be and what I really was.
But you’re wonderful just the way you are!
> I wanted to be the sort of person who could let go and move on if that's what made her husband happy and secure. And I kept trying to convince myself of that, and him. But I'm not. :( When push came to shove, I got hysterical every time and sobbed and cried until I nearly made myself sick and in some cases self injured and in general acted like a two year old in a tantrum. And the most I could do about it was to tell my husband to ignore me when I'm acting like that, and that I probably would act like that, and that he shouldn't let it affect what we did any more than he would let my son's reaction to leaving affect our decision.
It sounds to me as if you are being too hard on yourself. You are absolutely the sort of person who can do what makes her husband happy and secure. You do it often. That’s part of the reason he loves you. As it happens, you couldn’t do this particular thing. But you had a good reason. It was too hard for you. That’s allowed. You are allowed to need things, even therapists. If you couldn’t let go and move on, then moving was the wrong thing for you all as a family. Your needs are very important. I really don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of or beat yourself up about.
> And today I got angry at having to do that over and over and shouted at him that it wasn't fair to expect me to convince him to go tell his boss that we were leaving. That I said to ignore me and tell his boss we were leaving, and it wasn't fair for him to ask me to repeat it over and over and reassure him that it's what I really wanted while I was crying so hard. That I had told him for weeks to ignore me when I got upset and I didn't see what more I could do.
I think you are very brave. I don’t know that I could have done what you did.
> I wish I were a better person.
Dinah, you are one of the best people in the world. You are compassionate, thoughtful, sensitive, bright, interesting and fun. Sometimes we all want to be different. But you are who are you are and, as it happens, who you are is wonderful. If you were more able to let go and move on, then you might be less sensitive or compassionate or thoughtful. I can see that being Dinah can hurt sometimes, and I’m sorry that it hurts. But I can’t imagine people much better than you.
> Because I know my therapist isn't worth getting all this upset over that I can't bring myself to be happy about a move that otherwise I'd probably find positive and exciting.
But he is that important because that’s just how it is.
> And I kept telling my husband that too. That my therapist was likely to take another job or move away or die or something, and it didn't make sense to stay because of him.
And yet… sense or no sense, you need him. And that’s just how it is.
> But in the end, I guess my husband couldn't manage to ignore me. He's been really nice about it. He said that sure, my therapist may not be worth it in general, but he's worth it to me. And that he couldn't bring himself to do something that upset me so much, unless the alternative was immediate unemployment. And that everything would be ok.
Your husband sounds like a good guy. I’m so glad your feelings are important to him. You deserve to have your feelings appreciated.
> My husband was perfectly wonderful. But I wasn't. :(
>
> I have real trouble not living up to my own expectations.I suspect what you’ve done is lived up to your needs, even if they weren’t what you wanted them to be. And I think that’s a very positive thing. It can be all too easy to do what your partner wants regardless of your own feelings. On this occasion, you knew what was at stake for you and you were able to fight for it. I think this kind of decision is as much fighting to relationship as some of the work you’ve done in therapy. Your needs matter, and you’re finding ways to make sure they’re met. I think that’s a very positive thing.
> Why on earth am I so attached to this man? Why on earth can't I let go, even after all that's happened? Why can't I be the person I want to be?Perhaps because you know deep down that you’re not ready to let go at this point? And that’s the person you need to be. And maybe you’re attached to him because he understands and accepts you more than almost anyone on the planet. I know I’d have trouble giving that up.
> Maybe if it ever comes up again, I'll make sure I'm on enough medication that I can manage to do the right thing. And why on earth didn't that occur to me earlier? On six Risperdal a day, I probably wouldn't have noticed I was leaving my therapist. I am a total idiot not to have thought of that.
Argh! That sounds like a very bad idea! Stop it!
(((((Dinah)))))
I’m sorry things have been so hard. But I really think this is probably what you need at the moment, and you’re allowed to need what you need. And I’ve always thought that emotional needs should take precedence over practicalities.
Do take care of yourself.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:653385
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/654161.html