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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 15:47:18
today the world says "congratulations"
My mind says "you don't deserve it, it means nothing, you only got the fellowship because..."
Why can't I accept this as independent affirmation of my hard work, talent, self-worth? Why do I dismiss the opinion of an entire committee of super big-shot professors, who thought my project meritorious? Why don't I *feel*?
My question to TeamBabble is this: is there any homework I can do to reconcile this cognitive dissonance? I won't see T until next week, and this is killing me inside. I feel so awful. I don't know anyone who would understand my misery. They would say "CONgraTULAtions!!!!" and another piece of me dies inside. I can't handle it anymore. it's too much. This must be why people set themselves up for failure. I've done it too, but I never understood why. It's because failure is comfortable. Success throws one into the limelight, and the light shines into a dark place, and it burns.
Posted by B2chica on May 19, 2006, at 16:17:28
In reply to cognitive dissonance, posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 15:47:18
this sounds like a CBT topic for sure.
i'm afraid i don't have any words of wisdom but can i relate.i really relate to this:
>>They would say "CONgraTULAtions!!!!" and another piece of me dies inside.i just recently graduated getting a master's. did a research project for my final project/thesis, which i enjoyed doing but...
but i HATED the ceremony and even telling anyone i was done (which i didn't but my husband did) because there would be that congratulatory "you must be so proud"...NO!!! i wanted to scream! i'm not happy! i'm MISERABLE! it took me way too long to graudate (due to a couple hospitalizations and therapy-my stupid fault-showing yet another failure as a human being), my research paper isn't published, it's like all that work is moot in my eyes. I'm just one more USELESS graduate!
Not to mention i want to CRINGE everytime someone says how happy i must me and i want to say 'but you don't understand...see..i S@CK!!! so it doensn't matter. another stupid piece of paper so my boss is happy, that's all.
now i'm slow, affectively impaired, damaged, useless AND i have a piece of paper saying i should be worth something but guess what! IT"S WRONG!! see, one more let down.>>Success throws one into the limelight, and the light shines into a dark place, and it burns.
EXCELLENT way to put this.
again, i have no words to help but please know i understand.
(sorry for the rant)
b2c.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 16:20:05
In reply to Re: cognitive dissonance, posted by B2chica on May 19, 2006, at 16:17:28
Posted by canadagirl on May 19, 2006, at 16:54:31
In reply to cognitive dissonance, posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 15:47:18
As someone who struggles with this...loads of negativity and self limiting beliefs....and has a job where I have to appear competent to the outside world no matter what I am thinking inside...the "homework" you might want to think about is this. Countering the negative self talk with positive, supportive statements. Sounds easier said than done. But it does work. You can weaken the hold on your negative self statements by exposing them.
1. Relax. Disrupt the train of negativity.
2. Write down the negative self talk. The act of writing down will help you disentangle thoughts from feelings. Even though you state you don't "feel" them. Think back at what you were telling yourself. Separate the thoughts from the resulting feelings. Ask what thoughts led you to feel the way you did. After you've determined what you were saying to yourself, rate your degree of belief in it from 0 - 100.
3. Identify the type of negative self talk (is it from the worrier, critic, victim or perfectionist?)
3. Answer or dispute your negative self talk with positive, rational, supportive statements. Challenge the distortions. You should feel comfortable with these statements. Think about how you could take a constructive self supportive outlook and write statements that reverse your negative thoughts. Use questions if necessary to challenge them. E.g., what is the evidence for this? Is this always true? Has it been true in the past? What are the odds of this really being true now? Am I looking at the whole picture? Am I being fully objective?Then rerate your degree of belief in the negative self talk from 0 -100.
Hope this helps...the act of actually WRITING DOWN I found really helps. So don't just think about it, write it down too. Let me know if it works for you. As you can see, I am an expert in negativity. I have an advanced degree in my very own university of negative thinking. LOL
good luck.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 18:08:43
In reply to Re: cognitive dissonance (long) » llrrrpp, posted by canadagirl on May 19, 2006, at 16:54:31
Hi CG,
thanks for assigning me homework. This is exactly what I had in mind. I went home and did it. Okay, so the ratings for my negative thoughts improved by about 7%. That's like going from a C to a Bminus. It's progress.I still have this sinking feeling in my gut. I don't want to tell anyone my "good news".
T says that I have learned that I don't deserve to be happy. Right now I'm bummed that I'm not happy. But at least I feel more neutral about it (C being pretty unhappy, B being neutral, A being pleased for myself)
I will try this exercise again, maybe later on in the evening after I chill out a bit. thanks for your counsel.
llrrrpP :-|
Posted by canadagirl on May 19, 2006, at 19:59:42
In reply to Re: cognitive dissonance (long) » llrrrpp, posted by canadagirl on May 19, 2006, at 16:54:31
Great! - I'll be thinking of you!!
Posted by Declan on May 20, 2006, at 17:36:40
In reply to cognitive dissonance, posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 15:47:18
Do you know those posters of Nelson Mandela saying something like it is our power we are frightened of? Maybe it is not so much the way you feel about your fellowship as such, but the way you feel in the interaction where you are praised. But why should you want to avoid praise? It could be too much, not enough, ot the wrong sort (from your point of view). What I wonder is if failure is comfortable, why doesn't it feel better?
Posted by canadagirl on May 21, 2006, at 8:12:08
In reply to cognitive dissonance, posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 15:47:18
How are you doing today?
Posted by llrrrpp on May 21, 2006, at 8:36:03
In reply to Re: cognitive dissonance » llrrrpp, posted by canadagirl on May 21, 2006, at 8:12:08
not well. a better solution to resolving cognitive dissonance came to mind, and i only barely survived it.
Posted by canadagirl on May 21, 2006, at 20:45:51
In reply to Re: cognitive dissonance, posted by llrrrpp on May 21, 2006, at 8:36:03
>>> not well. a better solution to resolving cognitive dissonance came to mind, and i only barely survived it. <<
OK....can you tell me what is/has been going on? I care about you.
This is the end of the thread.
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