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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
Tonight was group therapy, and we got to talking about why a number of us feel as though we will be rejected if we're not good enough. And we talked about emotions, and why we don't feel. Well, I feel these days, which I've decided is worse, but that's another story.
Anyway, other people were talking about not being allowed to feel, and someone asked me if emotions were allowed in my family.
One tenth of a nanosecond later, I was choking, crying, and still trying to tell them what emotions did in my family when I was growing up. I can't say it was cathartic, because I am truly embarrassed by it. "They didn't really want to hear all that, it was too much information, too much exposure, they've got their own problems and I'm trying to drown them in mine." But, it felt like a kind of purging.
Oh, yeah, and I got angry. Someone brought up children, and we were talking about whether we would pass on these disorders to our children. And I said that I would not, because "I would not allow anyone in my family near any child of mine, if they said one f-ing word about weight." I don't swear all that much, although it does happen these days (truly, it never, ever used to happen), but this was by far the most angry I've ever managed to get without grabbing it down again.
(We also talked a bit about things our parents did, and I told about my mother and my weight. And our T asked, "Do you know how cruel that is?" I had to say that I get angry when I think about someone doing it to A child, but that when it's my mother doing it to me, I go into my "she didn't know, she was insecure and it came out that way, she was worried because of her own insecurities," etc. And then I said that all that was probably true, but that I needed to learn to shift my attention to myself -- to be angry on my own behalf, even though this is my mother.)
OK. That's it for tonight. My eyes are buring still from crying. It's good, though, in that it feels so very, very good to be in a room with people who at least partly understand. (I'm the only non-purger in the room, though, which is hard. They talk a lot about things like how they get their binge foods, or how ashamed they are that they purge. I sit there thinking how much I actually LIKE being able to go without eating, to control my urges, all that. I do know that it's the same thing, and I rarely ever tell anyone that I'm anorexic except when an episode is resolved, and I can say I "used to be" anorexic. On the other hand, I am not embarrassed to NOT eat in front of people. In fact, I'm much, much more embarrassed to eat in front of people. I'm afraid I'll eat too much. Doesn't help that my family has been known to talk about how much I can eat. Sure, I can eat a lot -- I have no hunger/satiety mechanism anymore! Ugh. NOW I really am done.)
Posted by happyflower on February 3, 2006, at 2:21:11
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
(((((racer))))))))))) I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I don't think I could ever do group therapy.
I also keep my kids away from most of my side of the family. My mother in law also started to comment on my daughters weight, and I really got mad and told her what she could do with that comment. Why are adults so mean to kids? Why do they need to hurt people? I could never look into my kids eyes and say something terrible to them. It is a sick sick sick world out there. Keep your kids safe, racer, and you keep safe too. I have a new box of kleenex for you too, the extra strengh ones. :) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Posted by antigua on February 3, 2006, at 8:30:30
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
When I was older, and no longer "useful" to my father and his desires, he would pick on my weight. I ran the spectrum from purging to anorexia, depending on how I was feeling. I don't purge anymore, but I sure can starve myself, there's something that actually feels good about it!
I now know my father was an idiot, that young girls' bodies change and grow, and for many of us, putting on weight is natural. I watch my own daughter go through it and I just comfort her that it's part of the natural growing process, which is not something my father thought of.
But getting to thin is more noticeable to those around me and I have to still work on that (not a problem now unfortunately). I just know that when I get into that state that something is working behind the scenes. I know you know this, but I just wanted to send some love and support your way. You are going through so much right now and I'd help more if I could.
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on February 3, 2006, at 8:31:12
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
<It's good, though, in that it feels so very, very good to be in a room with people who at least partly understand.
Yes, yes yes. This is the comfort I derive from the women's sobriety group that I drag myself to. This has been really important to me.
CS
Posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 12:37:02
In reply to Re: Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by happyflower on February 3, 2006, at 2:21:11
> I have a new box of kleenex for you too, the extra strengh ones. :) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Funny -- my T has changed tissue brands, to Puffs, which are so nice and soft! No more leaving with a nose rubbed raw from wiping it.
Posted by muffled on February 3, 2006, at 13:16:09
In reply to Re: Gulping sobs in group tonight » happyflower, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 12:37:02
Sounds like you getting ther eRacer. Not easy though. They say the best things don't come easy. And it makes us better people.
So there eh!
Puffs!!! I'll have to remember that if I ever cry sometime!!!HA!!!
Take care
Muffled :-)
Posted by madeline on February 3, 2006, at 17:14:10
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
Posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 18:24:21
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
Sorry you're hurting racer, but glad you were able to access those feelings and express them. Ppl can get uncomfortable, but where better than in your therapy or therapy group? Good that you were able to express the anger, and get some of it out. Parents can do so much damage. Sometimes they take their issues out on us, even though they're supposed to love us.Puffs? Nice. I think mine has generic one ply from the drug reps.
fw
Posted by crazy teresa on February 3, 2006, at 19:54:28
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
You're so brave! It's hard enough to talk to just a T, and I can't imagine tlaking in a group. Thank you for sharing that.
I hope you sleep well tonight after this emotional realease and will feel good in the monring.
Posted by JenStar on February 4, 2006, at 9:54:50
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
oh, Racer, I'm so sorry. weight and food are weird, scary horrible topics, and people judge us ALL the time on how we eat and how much we weight! I HATE it!
I'm sorry your family acted in ways that seemed harsh and cruel to you growing up, and that even still you get comments about eating/food.
I've always been on the heavy side, and I'm "used" to being criticized about my weight, although I suppose you never really get "used" to it in the sense that it stops hurting. When I was a kid, I was in GREAT shape (good athlete) but could still have lost about 10 lbs (now it's much more, sadly!) One time, I remember our family doctor pulled at my baggy sweater and said, "So, is this your 'fat suit' to hide your weight? You should really lose ten pounds, you know!" Well, I DID know, and it hurt a lot that he said that, even though he was RIGHT.
I don't know. I have an addiction to food. Alcohol I don't need; I can leave it alone. I've never felt the urge for drugs or cigs, even after trying them. But food - I crave it, dream of it, can't stay away from it!
aaarrrgggh. I wish weight was not a thing that people used to judge us. :( Or that we use to judge ourselves. Racer, I hope that you are able to heal and move past the ugly history with your family, and that your emotions stay strong through all this.JenStar
Posted by Poet on February 6, 2006, at 9:03:19
In reply to Gulping sobs in group tonight, posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 2:00:45
Hi Racer,
I wouldn't last a second in a support group, I give you lots of credit for going. I wish there were some other anorexics in the group. Sometimes the whole ED thing turns into our team and your team and some people forget the common ground.
Whatever we are doing to get that feeling of being in control or feeling of comfort it involves using our bodies to achieve the desired effect. You restrict, I binge and purge. We're trying to achieve the same thing in different albeit misguided ways.
You cried! I never cry in therapy. I have no idea of what my T would do. Crying is letting bad stuff out and you were brave enough to do it with your group. Go Racer!
Poet
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