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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 16:46:31
I have to talk about this. I'm confused. I need to talk to my wife about it too.
I've been going to an outpatient clinic that is an offshoot of a psychiatric inpatient hospital. Over the summer I went inpatient 3 seperate times, mixed with outpatient. I kept going back in for alcohol and self injury. I quit.
Then I came back about 12/15/05. Some of your who might be following some of my posts have heard some of this.In the last several days, I've been crying and considering self injury. I took what could be considered an overdose but was more just getting high, but I was honest and admitted I was rolling the dice as to how far I might end up going. I made a serious threat to commit physical violence to my (seen 2 times) current psychiatrist. I was kind of nervous freaking out all day in groups, and one of the therapists may have noticed me tapping my eye area with my knuckle.
My brand new psychiatrist (seen two times) strongly wanted me to check in right then today, without bringing any of this up specifically. I think they have all put their heads together and figured out I'm at risk to myself or others.
I swore I wouldn't go back in. It's a crappy hospital, but the best in network in my city. I've spent so much money. I think I might beat one of the patients to death if I go in. Right now I feel fine (enough), but I'm unpredictable.
This new doc is head of the whole program and I like him so far. He wants to do psych testing which is about time. He checked my thyroid, normal, but at least he ran the test. I don't know what to do.
I think I can be well. Maybe I need to shell out the big bucks and go to Menninger again. Maybe relax and grow up. They are worried how am I going to be safe. I told him I'm past the "don't care about interests" phase, into the "crying alot" stage, near the "suicide around the edges" stage, but not at the "I'm done" area.
I'm so damn unpredictable right now. I'm thinking aloud. My wife will support me in whatever, but I'm not getting the "you need to go in" signals from her. I think he wants to put me on seroquel again.
shoot.
I gotta get better this weekend or face some big unpleasantness. If I get big time drunk and live it up and watch movies and cry about my sh*tty life again is that a good sign or a bad sign?
I want to do the right thing. I said I would do the right things this time. I don't know what that is. It isn't obvious. This came out of the blue. I was too honest. I'm trying to not think " they want my money" I think it's for real.
I'm going to post this and read it later. Maybe it will make sense with some time.
James K
Posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:05:25
In reply to hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 16:46:31
hi James,
I'm sorry things are so rough right now, and from what you write, it does sound like you may need some serious intervention or help. I don't think getting drunk would help -- does it lower inhibitions for you, or make you more prone to violence? (It does for lots of people...that's why I ask.)Even if the hospital is crappy, it might be better to go there, take the seroquel, etc, than suffer the consequences of out-of-control violent actions, which might end you up in jail or worse.
I hope things get better.
take care of yourself.
JenStar
Posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 18:31:16
In reply to hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 16:46:31
Talk to your wife about it James, and tell her about what the doctors communicated to you. You're probably not the best judge of yourself at all times; I mean, I don't think anyone can be, all the time. It's just impossible to see everything about ourselves. If you feel afraid you're going to beat someone to death, maybe you should go outside and run like hell until you're so exhausted you couldn't possibly. Drinking isn't going to do anything except ruin your life.. so would hurting someone. Do the smart thing, I think you're brilliant and you can.
Posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 19:58:03
In reply to hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 16:46:31
Sorry it’s hard right now. It does sound confusing.
I wondered about how your ideas about self injury relate to your inclination to inflict violence on other people…? I know I find the same feelings trigger both kinds of thoughts… and I came to the conclusion that I would rather injure myself than other people. But that’s just me.
The wish to hurt others or ourselves is very complex and difficult. And getting drunk is actually just another way of hurting yourself. I don’t think it will help you to make a decision about what to do.
I think you’re doing some really good work… I noticed that you said you wanted to do the right thing, and I know it’s because you’re a good person. You said you were ‘too honest’ but I think beginning to be honest always feels ‘too honest’. That’s why it feels as if it’s out of the blue. Honesty is really hard. It’s one of the hardest things, because we have to face things about ourselves and our pasts that we don’t want to deal with. But facing the sh*t and coming out the other side can make you realise how strong you really are.
Good luck.
Tamar
Posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 21:56:27
In reply to Re: hospital don't know where to post *trigger* » James K, posted by Tamar on January 20, 2006, at 19:58:03
Back again. Thank you all for responding and saying some hard but obvious things to me. I just this hour decided not to get drunk tonight.
I talked to my wife and she said it seems like I've lost hope lately. I'm at the point where I'll probably agree to go in sunday night or monday morning. I want to be sure, and take care of some house business. I've never been so random in my emotions before.
It is true that the violence is the biggest scare. I've rarely actually been in physical violence, I do hurt myself instead more often. The risk is real though because I when the trigger gets switched I don't think I'm willing to back down. I'm not a monster (nobody implied I am, just for the record) but I have rage and when I don't care anymore stuff happens.
james k
Posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 23:45:37
In reply to Re: hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 21:56:27
> Back again. Thank you all for responding and saying some hard but obvious things to me. I just this hour decided not to get drunk tonight.
>
> I talked to my wife and she said it seems like I've lost hope lately. I'm at the point where I'll probably agree to go in sunday night or monday morning. I want to be sure, and take care of some house business. I've never been so random in my emotions before.
>
But you're wise, James, in spite of those hard emotions. You're getting it, and you're being really hard on yourself, and letting us do it, too, because you know what you need. I reiterate what I said about your brilliance (mwah, BTW) ....
I agree with Tamar, I think she said you're brave, and if so that's what I think too.
> It is true that the violence is the biggest scare. I've rarely actually been in physical violence, I do hurt myself instead more often. The risk is real though because I when the trigger gets switched I don't think I'm willing to back down. I'm not a monster (nobody implied I am, just for the record) but I have rage and when I don't care anymore stuff happens.
>
> james k
Yeah, that's the thing about rage, isn't it. It's like a drug, kind of, I think. It's like, this immediate surge, this incredible high that lasts about five seconds, and you do something to make it last, and then it's gone, and you're left with empty justifications .. it isn't worth it, though, all the bad feelings that come afterwards get us to feel the despair again, that led to the rage in the first place ... and in that rage it's the not caring anymore that's the danger.
The secret would be finding the key to unlock the rage in a way that's building new trust, not going over old ground, but breaking new ... wow.
Sometimes I amaze myself with insight.
Then it all seems a sham, another time. Why is life is up and down? I'm not a giraffe, I don't have a seven-foot neck and I'm not used to going up and down, up and down all day long. I'm getting dizzy. Feeling hopeless, James, like I want to phone. The phone is my drug, it was a co-drug with the THC darling, do you see?
Posted by gee on January 21, 2006, at 20:19:28
In reply to Re: hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 23:45:37
I hope that things start to get easier for you. I'm glad that you are able to talk to with your wife. You're lucky that you have her there to support you.
Take care of yourself and get better
Posted by James K on January 22, 2006, at 23:06:22
In reply to hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 16:46:31
Based upon what I said in my earlier posts, and some of what I said and did while drunk last night. I'm pretty much definetly going into hospital tomorrow. I go to outpatient anyway, so I just tell them. Trying not to think of details, because I hate it so much. I'm committed to doing what I have to to get well. So i'm trusting. I don't want to be a patient and a victim and f*cking loser anymore ever again.
I'll have to turn off the reply feature when I log off in a little while. My time on this board has meant so much to me. I'll be back of course.
If i'm back tomorrow, I either chickened out, came to my senses, or they didn't want me anymore.Some of you please pray for me, others raise a glass in my name. remember me when I come back.
James K
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2006, at 23:56:20
In reply to Follow up, posted by James K on January 22, 2006, at 23:06:22
take care ...
Posted by muffled on January 23, 2006, at 13:58:27
In reply to Follow up, posted by James K on January 22, 2006, at 23:06:22
Posted by James K on January 26, 2006, at 13:39:44
In reply to (((JamesK))) (nm), posted by muffled on January 23, 2006, at 13:58:27
I want to post an update on my situation because some of you may see me back posting, and wonder "What the heck was that all about then?"
I went back to the psych hospital with my wife yesterday morning. Still trying to do the right thing. I found out I had been discharged from the out patient program already and that hurt my feelings so I said some pissy things. Nobody seemed to know who I was or why I was there. I've been involved with them since June.
I went through all the process and signed all the papers. They told me I had the same doctor even though I've told them 4 times don't put me in the same room with that lady. Then the other doctor came in and cleared some things up for about 2 minutes.
One of my good friends from outpatient came through very distraught. I was sorry she was breaking down, but happy to be in with someone I knew. She was upstairs in 20 minutes. I was getting antsy at about 2 hours. I mean when you make this important decision, you gotta go. strike while the iron is hot. One of my counselours stoppped by and was supportive, that helped.
At three hours, all the intake "workers" got their lunches and closed their office doors and I snuck out. As we drove away I felt a tremendous sense of relief. I've done everything I'm capable of to put myself somewhere I didn't want to be, but I have a limit.
I hid out at a friends house while my wife went back and made sure there werent county sheriffs with guns and tasers waiting to shoot me down in the street like a rabid dog. (read a houston newspaper sometime). No warrants, they still want me though, we are filing complaints with medical hospital and patient advocate at psych hospital. They're missing out on as much as 10,000 dollars of my and my insurances money because their front-line employees screwed up two days in one week.
I'm not going in. My wife hasn't accepted that yet, and who could blame her. She's been through a lot. I feel fine and I'm going to do this myself. again. i think. I'm going to heal. And I'm going to spend the money on Lasik surgery. work out. get a job. drink none to little, not hurt myself. read Jon Allen's book on coping with trauma. Clean and listen to records, alphabetize and read my books, put my rock mags in a filing system, re-read all my childhood comics, and find a part time job that can lead to full time. That sounds kind of manic. Gardening season is right around the corner. therapy? how?
I'm safe.
James k
Posted by Susan47 on January 26, 2006, at 19:49:53
In reply to New update, posted by James K on January 26, 2006, at 13:39:44
Oh, dear, I recognize it. M-hm. Let the good feelings last, let the desire continue, feed it, force it to stay, it doesn't have to grow, it just has to stay.
This is the end of the thread.
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