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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 37. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
Daisy had started a post above about anger in therapy. I had shared within that thread some anger directed at my T last Friday. Well Friday must be "anger" day for me.
Background: My T needed to change my regular Thursday appointment time to an earlier time. I mentioned that I was thinking of changing my Thursdays to Tuesdays, and did she have a regular appointment slot open on Tuesdays? She gave me a time and I told her at our next appointment that I indeed wanted to change. So this week began our new schedule.
She began today's session saying she had me down for 2 different times on a certain Tuesday. It's too hard to explain, but in the end of this discussion she shook her head and said, "I don't have that down anywhere." I took that to mean, "I don't remember you changing your appointment days." I tried to jar her memory and she replied, "Well, that time will only be available until February." And discussion was ended.
I couldn't speak during most of the appointment today. I was so MAD, ANGRY that how could she make such a huge mistake. I was left with the impression that in 2 weeks, there was no time slot for me. And on top of that, I had already given up my Thursday slot. I kept wanting to bring this up, but the words would not come out. I sat there in silence. At first, the silence was full of rage. Then a few firetrucks went by, a police car or two, then her phone rang --- TWICE -- and the silence continued. Then I just submitted myself to the silence and relaxed (briefly).
Near the end of our silent session, she asked what was interferring with me sharing my thoughts today. Nothing came out. I left full of fury. On my drive to work, I thought to myself, what would my babble friends tell me to do. Call her.
So after I got settled at work and had my day under control, I did call. And she answered (never expecting that). I went through all our conversations on this matter. She said she did remember that I changed times, but "I had written the change down in one place but not another. It's my conflict and I need to figure this out." She continued that she wished I would have brought this up during our session.
I'm still mad. I really liked my new appointment time on Tuesdays. In fact, I wanted to tell her today how much I liked our new schedule. And now, it's all up in the air.
Aren't our therapist supposed to be perfect?
Posted by B2chica on January 13, 2006, at 16:26:19
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you for calling!
you did a wonderful thing. taking control of the situation.(sorry you had a mess of appt times-hope she figures it out quick!)
but really proud of you!
b2c.
Posted by fallsfall on January 13, 2006, at 18:17:42
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
Yes! They are supposed to be perfect. Particularly on scheduling issues. I can imagine your angst at (seemingly) losing your slot. That would be awful! But she did say that she needed to figure it out. I'm sure that she will figure it out, and you will have reliable appointments again. I hope she can give you the particular appointments that you want. But mostly I hope that you can be assured of seeing her as often as you need to.
I know that if my therapist made such a mistake that he would be sure to find a way so that I wouldn't end up missing any sessions. I expect that yours will find a way for you.
I'm sorry she messed up.
And I'm sorry you had a silent session. Those are excruciating!
Yes, you have a right to be angry. She'll make it right. It'll be OK.
(((Annierose)))
Posted by Tamar on January 13, 2006, at 18:39:53
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
I’m SO glad you called.
I hope she sorts this out to your satisfaction.
I reckon most things are possible with a bit of creative thinking. It might all work out OK.
Good luck!
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on January 13, 2006, at 20:04:46
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
That REALLY sucks! Big time, and it was her mistake, and she should honor your new time, and have to make arrangements for the other person. It was good of you to call and get it off your chest.
Maybe if you wrote it all out, just poured your guts out on paper and sent it to her that would help? She let you go the entire session in silence. I'd be pissed off about that. Isn't her job to direct you a bit?
She let's the phone ring? Does that bother you? Can she turn the ringer off? That could really take away from important work, not to mention making you feel like she's distracted from her work with you.
No their not perfect, but I think your session stunk, and her mistake was hurtful. You can be mad, it's okay, but don't beat yourself up, you didn't do anything wrong!
fw
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2006, at 22:54:40
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
I'm sorry she messed up your time slot. The least she could have done is grovel a bit.
I'm glad you called. I'm sure she'll work something out.
I'm not sure I'd want a perfect therapist. I think I like having one who messes up, and knows how to apologize. Maybe it's because I had parents who messed up, and weren't so good at apologizing.
Funny, I was thinking about this very topic today. I was thinking that I am not sure I'd trust my therapist if he were too perfect. I'm just not used to perfection. :)
Posted by muffled on January 14, 2006, at 1:31:13
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2006, at 22:54:40
Yeah, I'd be pissed on a variety of levels.
Thats so cool that you phoned!!!!
Yeah.
Muffled
Posted by happyflower on January 14, 2006, at 6:30:47
In reply to Re: Anger continued ..., posted by muffled on January 14, 2006, at 1:31:13
My T messed up my appointment one time. He thought I was suppose to come in an hour earlier. But I showed up on time and then he told me he had negative thoughts about me! LOL I am walking into his room, thinking what the heck did I do now? Well he thought I stood him up!
Then he has messed up writing down the appoinment time on his card he gives me, but yet he has the correct time in his appointment book. Maybe it is old age? LOL
But I know it sucks especially if they don't seem sorry about it. She owes it to you, tell her again. Make her kiss your feet! Just kidding, but she better do something to make up for it. Good luck! :) (((((Annierose))))))))))
Posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 7:45:33
In reply to Re: Anger continued ..., posted by B2chica on January 13, 2006, at 16:26:19
Thanks for the support. I do know that we will work this out.
Posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 7:51:59
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by fallsfall on January 13, 2006, at 18:17:42
Excruciating is right! I just wish I could get that disappointment out during the session, but I felt frozen, unable to speak. I hate that about myself. I guess I'm too afraid of the emotion, afraid of her reaction.
I know she'll work it out either by giving me another time (I did tell her it was my day off so I am fairly flexible) or changing the other client's time.
In the scheme of things, it's really not a big deal. But she never acknowledged during the session that she even had written down ANYWHERE the change in times. I wanted to ask, "So how did you know that I was coming last Tuesday?"
Posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 7:54:02
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by Tamar on January 13, 2006, at 18:39:53
Tamar ---
I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I'm so worried. It would frustrate me to hear there was a 5 month wait ... that's a really long time. I hope you find some support in the meantime. I'm glad your mom is able to help you.
Sending prayers to your mother-in-law.
Posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 8:00:14
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by fairywings on January 13, 2006, at 20:04:46
fw-
yes, my t tried to ask me questions, then gave me time to think, answer .... but i chose not to say much if anything. she is very patient, i think she was giving me time to talk, but the words would not come out.
yes, her phone ringing does drive me BATTY. she never answers it, and i'm getting use to it happening, but i agree with you. i think she should turn the ringer off. maybe she tried that and kept forgetting to turn it back on during her breaks. she turned it off once when she received 3 successive calls during an emotional time for me. it doesn't ring every session, but enough.
and i'm feeling better today.
Posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 8:03:54
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2006, at 22:54:40
Grovel ... yes, that would have felt nice : -)
I guess it felt bad because she didn't acknowledge it was her mess-up during my session, and I felt I was in outer space, like I made up the entire change.
I'd like a perfect therapist. Unfortunately, people are people, even our therapists. We all make mistakes. It's just that their mistakes tend to hurt a bit more.
And you're right. She will work something out.
Posted by Poet on January 14, 2006, at 10:42:46
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
Hi Annierose,
I would have sat there in silence, too. Glaring. Good for you that you called her. I hope you get Tuesdays back.
I'm always afraid my T will double book clients when she changes my appointment around. So far she hasn't, though once she called me an hour before my rearranged appointment and said aren't you supposed to be here?
Sometimes T's just drive us crazy(ier).
Poet
Posted by Dinah on January 14, 2006, at 11:02:24
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » fallsfall, posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 7:51:59
It does seem odd that she didn't mention it during the session. Maybe she looked it up the documentation after the session.
Posted by daisym on January 14, 2006, at 20:42:33
In reply to Anger continued ..., posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 16:00:29
Sounds like a horrible session. I think I would have left. I hate sitting in silence.
I think I want a perfect therapist too. I think the reason this week was so distressing, among other things, is that when I made a list of what I was upset with my therapist about, he didn't defend himself, he said, "I can see why you would be upset." I WANTED him to argue with me, for it to be all in my head. I didn't want him to make mistakes. Even little tiny ones.
He said people who care about each other sometimes hurt each other. And that being mad doesn't suddenly make your skull transparent with a ticker-tape of your thoughts running through in plain sight. So even if you know someone is mad, you still might not know why or what they are thinking. So speaking up is the only way to clear the air.
I'm glad you spoke up. I hope you get to keep your slot.
Posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 22:02:15
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by daisym on January 14, 2006, at 20:42:33
I'm smiled reading your reply. My T uses the ticker tape analogy all the time. She'll sometimes say, "I wish there was a ticker tape above your head telling me what you are thinking, but there isn't. So I really would like you to share with me what thoughts are going through your head."
Another piece of this appointment puzzle that upset me, and it's probably not worth explaining, but I've been thinking about it, so here it is. Originally what started the change came from her. She told me, "Beginning in January my schedule is going to change, and I will no longer will available on Thursdays at 1:45. Are you able to come earlier at x or z?" It was then that I told her I was thinking of asking to change to Tuesdays anyway. WELL ... last week I let her know that I was going away to New York for business, and could I reschedule my Friday appointment. And what time did she offer me? Not my Thursday at 1:45, but immediately after at 2:30. I guess this upset me because I inferred that she was leaving early on Thursdays, hence offering me two earlier times. Now 2 weeks later, she is offering me a time after my old appointment that I have had for 2 years. I'm confused. Was I bumped??? And now, am I being bumped AGAIN??? I think these 2 interactions combined really got me angry.
Deep breath, sigh. I finally got it all out now. Do I have to tell her this piece of the puzzle too?
Posted by daisym on January 14, 2006, at 22:59:17
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » daisym, posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 22:02:15
I think you already know the answer to your question...yes, you need to tell her your thought map and what your feelings have been.
I have a question:
Is it just being bumped that is bothing you, or the fact that you were wrong about your assumption, hence you didn't really know where she was...or who she was with? A few months ago I had the need to move my appointment from afternoon to morning. As an afterthought I called and said, "I'll see you in the X office instead of the Y office, right?" He called and said no. He'd changed his schedule (when!?) and was in the Y office all day on Mondays now. I was surprised at how much that bothered me. I did tell him and he said he could see why -- when I was a kid it was critically important for me to know where people were and what their schedule was. I needed to know where he was just in case I needed him. Even if this knowing wasn't real. Does that make sense?
Perhaps some of this is in the disruption of your knowing -- and it makes you question your place in the hirarachy of clients and your importance to her. Sometimes it keeps boiling down to wanting to be an only child that is treasured and special.
I wish it was easier. But who wouldn't want that if they could have it?
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2006, at 0:02:09
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » daisym, posted by annierose on January 14, 2006, at 22:02:15
Yes, I'm afraid that you probably do have to tell her, or you won't have an easy time putting it away.
:(
Posted by annierose on January 15, 2006, at 12:15:56
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by daisym on January 14, 2006, at 22:59:17
I don't like the place I'm in right now. The angst just thinking about my session tomorrow. I'm not sure I have the answers to the questions you posed. I think it just bothered me to think (and not know) why she was changing my regular Thursday time, and then to find out, she just might be working all along.
I hate that it even matters.
Yes, of course I want to be special to her. I have shared that thought with her. That's no secret.
Posted by annierose on January 15, 2006, at 12:18:44
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2006, at 0:02:09
That's the perfect way of wording it too. It's been on my mind all weekend. And I'm dreading going, on the other hand, I want to put these doubts behind me.
As I told Daisy, I wish I didn't care. I wish I could walk away tomorrow and not be sad about the loss. I wish I could quit.
I wish.
So many things.
And no courage to make them come true.
Posted by fairywings on January 15, 2006, at 23:43:10
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » annierose, posted by daisym on January 14, 2006, at 22:59:17
>>and it makes you question your place in the hirarachy of clients and your importance to her.
Hi daisy and annie,
Is there a hierachy among clients? I never thought of that! I guess it makes sense that T's would like some patients better than others.
When I was still seeing my ex T, I was told by one of the office staff (who's no longer there) that my ex T must not like me bec. my appts. were always 10-15 min. shorter than ANY of his other clients. Ouch!
I would be very hurt, mad, offended if I found out my T had resched. me to see another client (unless it was an emerg.) and I don't even have a "regular" appt. time. I can certainly understand your feelings, and I think your T will too. It's something you've just got to get off your chest.
I hope it turns out to be a big misunderstanding or something like that, where you'll feel greatly relieved once you talk to her.
fw
Posted by annierose on January 16, 2006, at 6:21:48
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » daisym, posted by fairywings on January 15, 2006, at 23:43:10
Me too!
I'll let you know how it goes.
Posted by annierose on January 16, 2006, at 10:46:30
In reply to Re: Anger continued ... » fairywings, posted by annierose on January 16, 2006, at 6:21:48
I was really full of all sorts of emotions today. I began the session by going over why I was hurt regarding Tuesday's session and adding the new stuff re: Thursday's session, appearing to be BUMPED.
T: When clients come more than once a week, it's important to their therapy that the frequency continues. Sometimes, people's work or school schedule changes so their session time needs to change. That is what happened with Thursday.
Me: So I was bumped. Now I'm really angry.
T: No, I asked you if you were able to come at a different time.
Me: No, it wasn't presented as a choice. You said, "My schedule is changing at the beginning of the year, are you able to come at this time?"
T: If you weren't able to change, I wasn't going to take away your appointment time.
Me:
That's not what you said. I guess I'm the disposable client. You feel you can just move my time around and in Tuesday's case, not even write it down or remember it. Like I don't matter. I don't even want to come on that Thursday appointment now. Just cancel that session.T: I can see why you feel so hurt. But you are not disposable. Your feelings are so intense around this issue because that is how you felt with your family, like you didn't matter, your needs were not important
Me: Oh, isn't that convenient. Instead of owning your responsilbility, just blame everything on my past.
T: I did make a mistake. I'm sorry. Try to understand if your work schedule changed, I would do the same for you.
That pretty much sums up this session. I'm still so angry. I do understand what she is saying, but the bottom line is that I was bumped for someone else. It wasn't presented as a choice, that much I'm 100% certain of. And now, she is "working on the Tuesday conflict".All of it s*cks. And I hate her right now. And I don't want to go tomorrow. I feel I need time to process this session. I'll just sit in silence tomorrow and that will feel just worse.
I know this isn't such a big deal. But it feels that way.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 16, 2006, at 14:11:42
In reply to She did BUMP me!!!, posted by annierose on January 16, 2006, at 10:46:30
Grrrrr.
I'm sorry, but I'm so glad you talked about it.
((((((Annierose))))))
gg
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