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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 35. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Today I went to a meeting. It happened to be in the building where my T works. (You can sense where this is going, can’t you?)
I have been in that building at least 15 times for various meetings since I finished therapy. I have always thought: I might run into him. I might meet him in the corridor. I might get the chance to say hello to him. But I have never seen him there. In fact, tonight was the first time I’ve approached the building without feeling a little nervous at the thought that I might possibly see him – I’d given up all hope because I never do see him there.
As I was driving into the car park, he came out the front door. I knew he couldn’t see into my car. I parked in the nearest space and by the time I got out of my car he was already in his car, which was parked less than ten feet away from mine. I waved to him as I passed his car. I could have gone over to him and said hello, but I didn’t.
And then (here’s the embarrassing bit): having not spoken to him, I stood at the door of the building and waited for him to drive past me, trying to get another look at him in case I’d mistaken someone else for him. At no point did he seem to look at me or recognise me.
And now I want to know: why did I not walk over and knock on the window of his car? Why did I not say hello like a normal person? Why did I not just bloody well speak to him? What the f*ck is wrong with me? I’ve been wanting to lay eyes on this man for nine months. And when I finally do I can’t summon the courage to say hello? I hate myself.
I had to sit through my meeting pretending to concentrate, and the whole drive home I was shrieking at myself. I called myself some words I didn’t know I knew. Even worse, I had to pick up my kids and drive them home and I still couldn’t stop yelling at myself, which the kids thought was hilarious as they joined in: “Mommy’s a poo-head!” The two year-old was particularly delighted.
Well, I really am a poo-head. Nine months I’ve hoped for this. And then as it turns out I’m incapable of behaving like a normal human being.
Guess how drunk I’m gonna be an hour from now?
Posted by Dinah on December 7, 2005, at 15:04:33
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Seeing therapists outside therapy can be discombobulating. The first time I saw mine in a book store, I dumped all my books on the nearest shelf and ran like a startled rabbit. The second time, at the drugstore, I went waaaay around extra aisles to accomplish my task, looking around me like I was a spy on a top secret mission. Mine used to live just a few streets over, and I was terrified to run into him when one of us had something embarassing in our shopping cart.
It's an awkward type of moment, and not what you were dreaming of for so long. Hopefully your GP will clear you for therapy soon and you can have the proper meeting you so want.
Posted by cricket on December 7, 2005, at 15:47:34
In reply to You are definitely not a dork!, posted by Dinah on December 7, 2005, at 15:04:33
Oh Tamar,
Not a dork at all.
I am terrifed of seeing my therapist in public. Terrified of it.
I can't even stand being anywhere close to his neighborhood.
Once we were driving and my husband stopped for a cup of coffee somewhere close to the university where my T teaches and I protested, "Why here I'm sure that there is better places further downtown." My husband looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Coffee is coffee."
Then sure enough I look across the sidewalk and into the coffee shop and I see what I am sure is my therapist's back. Same height, same build, same ever present hat.
I freak. My heart starts pounding. I turn my back to the car window, scrunch all the way down in my seat and hold a newspaper all the way up to my face.
Was it my T? I have no idea. Did he ever turn to face the window? I have no idea.
What a strange reaction, huh?
The funny thing is that I wouldn't mind seeing him but I never ever want him to see me.
Maybe because I have absolutely no desire to have any type of relationship other than a therapy one with him. So this violates my boundaries in a way I can't tolerate. Maybe I just comparmentalize parts of myself too much. He got one hour a week of my tears and pain and very inner self that no one else got. So therefore even a mere glimpse of me at any other time would be too much.
Posted by Gee on December 7, 2005, at 16:43:40
In reply to Re: You are definitely not a dork!, posted by cricket on December 7, 2005, at 15:47:34
It's way too weird to see a T in another setting
I use to see my T at school. She would come on Thursdays and all day I was nervous wreck. I didn't know if she would come a take me out of class, or if I would run into her in the halls or what not. Sometimes (like you) I would just wave, and keep on going.
At least you got your glimps of him. Don't beat yourself up for not saying hi. Everything happens for a reason
Posted by Shortelise on December 7, 2005, at 17:00:47
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Tamar, you're human.
Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 18:04:01
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Thanks for the support. I still feel a bit silly for not speaking to him, especially because I've been wishing I could run into him for months. The silliest thing is that I felt embarrassed because I'm depressed again. Must stop beating myself up.
Just one more glass of wine, and then I'm going to think about something else for a while...
Posted by Poet on December 7, 2005, at 18:46:23
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Hi Tamar,
I'm glad you've realized you're not a dork. Maybe your T didn't realize it was you. He might have driven away thinking, *am I a dork, that was Tamar!*
I self medicate with wine, too. Love the grape.
Poet
Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 18:51:41
In reply to Re: WHY AM I SUCH A DORK? » Tamar, posted by Poet on December 7, 2005, at 18:46:23
> Hi Tamar,
>
> I'm glad you've realized you're not a dork. Maybe your T didn't realize it was you. He might have driven away thinking, *am I a dork, that was Tamar!*Tee hee. I hope so. I hope he’s at home banging his fist against his head and saying, “Why didn’t I just say hello to her?” And his kids are saying, “Daddy, you’re a poo-head…”
> I self medicate with wine, too. Love the grape.
Yum yum. But gotta beware the wrath of grapes (groan).
Thanks Poet.
Tamar
Posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 18:56:52
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
You are not a poo-poo head or a dork, just caught off guard. It's hard to miss someone isn't it? :-(
Posted by happyflower on December 7, 2005, at 18:59:55
In reply to Re: WHY AM I SUCH A DORK? » Tamar, posted by Poet on December 7, 2005, at 18:46:23
Hey Tamar! Can you still read this, are you sober enough? You are not a dork! Even though I am seeing my T outside the office even more than this summer, I still feel like he is always watching me and everything I do.
But wait, I think he IS watching me and everything I do because he brings it up in my sessions. I told him last week to quit spying on me! LOL
I think you responded like most would, I also think you really want to go back to therapy and maybe seeing him brought all those feelings for you that you might be surpressing. You are depressed and you need him, nothing wrong with that, Tamar.
At least he isn't looking at your butt, like I am sure mine has looked at mine. It makes me want to crawl in a hole! It is hard to hide those certain body parts when you are exercising. LOL
Well I think it was meant to be, you saw him, becasue you need him. JMHO. But you know I am crazy, so don't listen to what I am saying. LOL
Posted by happyflower on December 7, 2005, at 19:04:39
In reply to You are sweetheart! :), posted by happyflower on December 7, 2005, at 18:59:55
Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:10:52
In reply to Next time you could at least offer us a glass! (nm), posted by happyflower on December 7, 2005, at 19:04:39
Would anyone like a glass of this very nice South African Merlot? I've drunk the whole bottle, but I have another one shomewhere. Now letsh shee if I can find the corkschrew...
Posted by sleepygirl on December 7, 2005, at 19:16:17
In reply to Sorry, I'm forgetting my manners, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:10:52
Oh yes!, but let me see if the alcohol will interact with the meds....oh what the heck! it's merlot!
Thanks!!
Posted by happyflower on December 7, 2005, at 19:19:18
In reply to Sorry, I'm forgetting my manners, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:10:52
> Would anyone like a glass of this very nice South African Merlot? I've drunk the whole bottle, but I have another one shomewhere. Now letsh shee if I can find the corkschrew...
>
>
I would love a bottle, I mean glass! You like the good stuff! I had some African wine when I was at Disney World at their African restaraunt, where they are one of the few places that imports it . How did you find some? You and me can be best buddies. I will bring the harvati or brie cheese and grapes! fresh bread! YUm
Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:47:22
In reply to I am laughing my big *ss off!, posted by happyflower on December 7, 2005, at 19:19:18
... but I'm going to open another bottle. I'll get glasses for all of you. I'll have to go offline, though, because I have some crying and moping to do.
See you all tomorrow, and thanks for the kind words. Le chaim, Salud, Zum Wohl, Slainte, Skål, Egészségetekre, Cheers!
Love,
Tamar
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2005, at 21:15:55
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
Is poo head gonna be your new name? I used to call myself sh*t head all the time. We could bond on a deep fecal level!
Thats a bummer bout your T. I think we've all had those 'ah sh*t, I SHOULDA' , moments. Don't stop it from majorly sucking though eh?
Sure you'll feel better soon, once you get over your hangover that is.
Hows the meds doing? (not including the wine!)
Take care
Muffled
Posted by orchid on December 8, 2005, at 1:31:43
In reply to I'll regret this in the morning..., posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 19:47:22
I think the reason that yuo didn't see him was because you are a little depressed now.
I am sure if you had felt happy and cheerful you would have walked over to him and said hello. Plus maybe the fact that you didn't tell him about your feelings, might have prevented you. Here you have been, thinking of him for the past 9 months, and he doesn't know it and you might have thought it would be weird if he found out about it now.
Also maybe you were afraid of his response - if he didn't seem to have remembered you that much or maybe if he had talked to you as someone he didn't think of too much. I think maybe you were afraid what his response would be and if you would be hurt by his response.
But I am glad you met him. I think sometimes when we get frustrated for a long time, when we get it (even a tiny bit of it), it helps to soothe our mind.
tomorrow will be a better day. And maybe you can just call him up one of these days and just check in perhaps. I don't think your T would be rude or indifferent. Maybe you should do that and it will help you move past whatever feelings is still bothering you.
Posted by caraher on December 8, 2005, at 7:48:50
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
If you separate yourself from your emotional attachment to your T for a moment you might notice that what you did (or did not do) was entirely normal as viewed from the outside. It's not as if you saw him coming then hid in the bushes, or walked right past him without acknowledging his presence. He was already in his car by the time you got out of yours; dashing out and rapping on his window would not have been inappropriate, but neither would it be "expected." You waved in case he looked in your direction... it's the kind of "near miss" encounter that happens routinely.
Of course, I completely understand that this event was emotionally-charged for you, and that you would second-guess your behavior. But by no means did you behave foolishly... it simply didn't play out the way you'd have preferred. That's not your fault at all; it's just a quirk of circumstance (as was seeing him there in the first place!).
Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 9:28:45
In reply to Re: WHY YOU ARE NOT SUCH A DORK, posted by caraher on December 8, 2005, at 7:48:50
> If you separate yourself from your emotional attachment to your T for a moment you might notice that what you did (or did not do) was entirely normal as viewed from the outside.
Gosh, I hope so!
> It's not as if you saw him coming then hid in the bushes,
Ha! Yeah, I’m pretty glad I didn’t do that!
> or walked right past him without acknowledging his presence. He was already in his car by the time you got out of yours; dashing out and rapping on his window would not have been inappropriate, but neither would it be "expected." You waved in case he looked in your direction... it's the kind of "near miss" encounter that happens routinely.
I s’pose you’re right. Yeah, a near miss… that sounds better than a dorky poo-head moment…
> Of course, I completely understand that this event was emotionally-charged for you, and that you would second-guess your behavior. But by no means did you behave foolishly... it simply didn't play out the way you'd have preferred. That's not your fault at all; it's just a quirk of circumstance (as was seeing him there in the first place!).
Thanks! I felt pretty foolish at the time, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as I feared.
Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 9:32:14
In reply to Re: I'll regret this in the morning... » Tamar, posted by orchid on December 8, 2005, at 1:31:43
> I am sure if you had felt happy and cheerful you would have walked over to him and said hello. Plus maybe the fact that you didn't tell him about your feelings, might have prevented you. Here you have been, thinking of him for the past 9 months, and he doesn't know it and you might have thought it would be weird if he found out about it now.
Yeah, that makes sense.
> Also maybe you were afraid of his response - if he didn't seem to have remembered you that much or maybe if he had talked to you as someone he didn't think of too much. I think maybe you were afraid what his response would be and if you would be hurt by his response.
Maybe he didn’t remember me! Well, I think he didn’t really notice me. I don’t particularly mind… actually it feels a little easier to think of it like that.
> But I am glad you met him. I think sometimes when we get frustrated for a long time, when we get it (even a tiny bit of it), it helps to soothe our mind.
That’s true.
> tomorrow will be a better day. And maybe you can just call him up one of these days and just check in perhaps. I don't think your T would be rude or indifferent. Maybe you should do that and it will help you move past whatever feelings is still bothering you.
Tomorrow (today) seems to be shaping up to be pretty OK despite all the wine… I do hope to see him for therapy again, but apparently I’m too depressed at the moment to benefit from therapy, or so I’ve been told. Maybe in a few weeks…
Thanks Orchid!
Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 9:37:54
In reply to Hey you p.h.!! :-) » Tamar, posted by muffled on December 7, 2005, at 21:15:55
> Is poo head gonna be your new name?
It’s what my kids will be calling me for the next couple of weeks…
> I used to call myself sh*t head all the time. We could bond on a deep fecal level!
Sounds good to me.
> Thats a bummer bout your T. I think we've all had those 'ah sh*t, I SHOULDA' , moments. Don't stop it from majorly sucking though eh?
It sucks like a ***** in a ***** ****** on a *** *****. But I’ll live.
> Sure you'll feel better soon, once you get over your hangover that is.
> Hows the meds doing? (not including the wine!)Hmm… Prozac is yummy but has not reached full strength yet. Another couple of weeks and I should be pretty chilled.
Thanks Muffled.
Posted by fairywings on December 8, 2005, at 12:18:36
In reply to WHY AM I SUCH A DORK?, posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 14:57:22
You're not a dork. I hope you're feeling better about all of it now. I wouldn't have gone over to rap on his window, and I probably wouldn't have gotten out of my car and waved because it kind of took you by surprise. Maybe you could plan a time when you'll be there when he comes out, and intentionally run into him, so you can just get it over with. Then maybe it won't take you by surprise anymore.
Is it red wine or white?
fw
Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 12:34:12
In reply to Re: WHY AM I SUCH A DORK? » Tamar, posted by fairywings on December 8, 2005, at 12:18:36
> You're not a dork. I hope you're feeling better about all of it now. I wouldn't have gone over to rap on his window, and I probably wouldn't have gotten out of my car and waved because it kind of took you by surprise.
Thanks fairywings. Yeah… I hate surprises in general, and particularly surprise meetings with ex-therapists. Grr!
> Maybe you could plan a time when you'll be there when he comes out, and intentionally run into him, so you can just get it over with. Then maybe it won't take you by surprise anymore.
Yeah… I think I know what time he probably finishes work. I’m sure I could ‘accidentally’ run into him. It does seem a bit contrived though…
> Is it red wine or white?Red. I’ve still got a couple of bottles and I thought I might open one quite soon. Here’s a glass!
Posted by muffled on December 8, 2005, at 12:57:02
In reply to Re: WHY AM I SUCH A DORK? » fairywings, posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 12:34:12
Why can't you just set up an appt with him? At first you were too depressed, but you are functioning, you are able to post quite eloquently,you've been on meds awhile....Maybe I've missed something?
I been a little all over latelty
Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 17:19:21
In reply to Hey :-) » Tamar, posted by muffled on December 8, 2005, at 12:57:02
> Why can't you just set up an appt with him? At first you were too depressed, but you are functioning, you are able to post quite eloquently,you've been on meds awhile....Maybe I've missed something?
> I been a little all over lateltyThe way it works where I am, I have to get a referral. My doc thinks I'm too depressed for therapy so won't refer me. Simple as that.
Yeah, I can still string a sentence together and contain my emotions... I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do. I haven't been suicidal or self-injuring or abusing my family. I haven't been starting fights with strangers. But some days I am completely incapable of working. And I hardly ever open my mail. And I don't feel like doing the things I normally enjoy. So maybe I *am* too depressed...
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