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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 17 to 41 of 41. Go back in thread:
Posted by Blossom on October 12, 2005, at 20:07:43
In reply to Burned all right. » Blossom, posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 12:26:13
Hi again, muffled.
I'm just curious. You obviously have pretty strong views on this subject. Forgive me for my ignorance if this is common knowledge here, but I'm wondering where you are coming from. Are you a therapist, a client who has gone through something like this, or known someone who has or just someone with common sense : ) ?
Blossom
Posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 20:26:41
In reply to For muffled., posted by Blossom on October 12, 2005, at 20:07:43
> Hi again, muffled.
>
> I'm just curious. You obviously have pretty strong views on this subject. Forgive me for my ignorance if this is common knowledge here, but I'm wondering where you are coming from. Are you a therapist, a client who has gone through something like this, or known someone who has or just someone with common sense : ) ?
>
> BlossomI'm all mixed up right now. Things are going good and I'm not used to that. It seems that when things go good thats when I get slammed somehow.
Mebbe your post resonated w/me somehow. It sure pushed my buttons somehow.
I still think I'm right however. I also don't think I'm responsible for my friends behavior, but if I think somethings not right I'm gonna call it. I just got scared that you are so setting yourself up for a great big fall. There are so many negatives and very few positives. he may be older, he may be a T., but he's also a man. Just a guy. He can screw up like everyone else.You don't need him, he don't need you. Its all just so ripe for trouble. Thats my exalted opinion. I am a completely uneducated idiot who's f*cked up most of her life.I've made many choices in my life. Most of them bad. Thats my credentials. So obviously, what I say don't really mean much. You take what you want and leave the rest, or just pitch it all in the dumpster.
By the way, you seem quite pleasant Blossom.
Muffled
Posted by Blossom on October 12, 2005, at 20:49:37
In reply to Re: For muffled. » Blossom, posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 20:26:41
Well, life experience is definitely worth something, and if I wasn't the least bit concerned, I wouldn't have brought it up in the first place, right? Obviously, some things haven't gone right, since he had already majorly crossed boundaries before we terminated, which is worrisome. So I will definitely consider your advice.
Thanks!
Blossom
Posted by Susan47 on October 12, 2005, at 22:23:48
In reply to Re: For muffled., posted by Blossom on October 12, 2005, at 20:49:37
What boundaries had he crosssed before you terminated?
Posted by Susan47 on October 12, 2005, at 22:29:39
In reply to Re: For muffled. » Blossom, posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 20:26:41
You said, "I am a completely uneducated idiot who's f*cked up most of her life.I've made many choices in my life. Most of them bad."Just to be clear, hon', an education doesn't make a person un-f*cked-up! And being uneducated doesn't automatically make a person f*cked up either.
I liked the way you broke up what Blossom said, and provoked thought instead of blind acceptance of what she had to say.
Because really, you have excellent, valid points. You do. And what you say does mean much, it means a great deal, because it comes from your life, what you personally have lived and have to share with everybody, and I hope you just keep sharing, because that's how we all help each other .. and sometimes not, we can't always be there the right way and that's just a fact of life (which I hate, BTW)!
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:20:55
In reply to Re: Need advice about friendship with former thera, posted by Blossom on October 12, 2005, at 9:19:28
> Considering the fact that his wife and I work in the same building, it would be extremely unwise of me to even consider anything more than a casual friendship. She could come downstairs and strangle me ; )Not only that, but she could make your life a living h*ll as a student! Not that she would, but she could.
fw
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:31:55
In reply to Re: For muffled. » Blossom, posted by muffled on October 12, 2005, at 20:26:41
Hi muffled,
I think you're basing what you said on everything we know to be what's supposed to be true, from the experience of ppl on the board, from reading "In Session; ", and from every lick of information out there on the web on transference and countertransference. It's okay to state your opinion, when it's strong or not, you have good stuff to say, please don't quit.
((((hugs))))
fwBlossom,
Maybe for your ex T developed some countertransference, and maybe because you're a student in the psych dept. he feels like a mentor somewhat, maybe more, it's been known to happen. Who knows, I think Tamar is right, facing it head on is probably the best way to go, but maybe wait till you're done with your studies, so it doesn't devastate you if something goes wrong, or if his wife gets wind of it?
Posted by Blossom on October 13, 2005, at 8:44:45
In reply to Re: For muffled. » Blossom, posted by Susan47 on October 12, 2005, at 22:23:48
Welll....I would consider the fact that our sessions had degenerated into conversations with mutual sharing of both parties to be a boundary crossing, wouldn't you?
I think that a different kind of relationship forms when the therapist trusts his client with personal information about his own life, and current struggles and trials. That's what has happened.
Blossom
Posted by Blossom on October 13, 2005, at 8:54:43
In reply to Re: For muffled. (and Blossom) » muffled, posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:31:55
> Maybe for your ex T developed some countertransference, and maybe because you're a student in the psych dept. he feels like a mentor somewhat, maybe more, it's been known to happen. Who knows, I think Tamar is right, facing it head on is probably the best way to go, but maybe wait till you're done with your studies, so it doesn't devastate you if something goes wrong, or if his wife gets wind of it?
>
>
I'm not sure. I definitely think there's some kind of countertransference here, but while I'm in the psychology department, my field is not clinical. It's actually probably the farthest removed from clinical that you can get (Behavioral Neuroscience). He has told me that he really doesn't know that much about that field, but perhaps because I know more about psych than many people, it makes me easier to talk to, and I might seem sort of intelligent that way ;).The problem with waiting until my studies are done is that I'll probably be here another three years! A lot could happen in that amount of time.
Blossom
Posted by muffled on October 13, 2005, at 11:25:10
In reply to Re: For muffled., posted by Susan47 on October 12, 2005, at 22:29:39
>
> You said, "I am a completely uneducated idiot who's f*cked up most of her life.I've made many choices in my life. Most of them bad."
>
> Just to be clear, hon', an education doesn't make a person un-f*cked-up! And being uneducated doesn't automatically make a person f*cked up either.
> I liked the way you broke up what Blossom said, and provoked thought instead of blind acceptance of what she had to say.
> Because really, you have excellent, valid points. You do. And what you say does mean much, it means a great deal, because it comes from your life, what you personally have lived and have to share with everybody, and I hope you just keep sharing, because that's how we all help each other .. and sometimes not, we can't always be there the right way and that's just a fact of life (which I hate, BTW)!Thanks susan that was nice what you said. I heard it. Thanks.
Muffled.
Posted by muffled on October 13, 2005, at 11:28:31
In reply to Re: For muffled. (and Blossom) » muffled, posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 0:31:55
> Hi muffled,
>
> I think you're basing what you said on everything we know to be what's supposed to be true, from the experience of ppl on the board, from reading "In Session; ", and from every lick of information out there on the web on transference and countertransference. It's okay to state your opinion, when it's strong or not, you have good stuff to say, please don't quit.
>
> ((((hugs))))
> fw
>
> Blossom,
>
> Maybe for your ex T developed some countertransference, and maybe because you're a student in the psych dept. he feels like a mentor somewhat, maybe more, it's been known to happen. Who knows, I think Tamar is right, facing it head on is probably the best way to go, but maybe wait till you're done with your studies, so it doesn't devastate you if something goes wrong, or if his wife gets wind of it?
>
> Thanks FW. I sometimes get alittle uppity. I don't know much. But this board is sure cool. And the people beautiful.
Muffled.
>
Posted by Susan47 on October 13, 2005, at 21:10:27
In reply to Re: For muffled., posted by Blossom on October 13, 2005, at 8:44:45
Definitely. And if he or his missus ever tried to make things tough for you, you could use that information. I'm wondering if he's admitted his boundary crossings to himself, yet. And if he's pussyfooting with you because he knows you could use that against him, should he make you angry.
Posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 21:59:54
In reply to Re: For muffled. » Blossom, posted by Susan47 on October 13, 2005, at 21:10:27
Just thinking about you and wondering what you are thinking about all of this. :)
Posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 22:10:28
In reply to How are you doing Muffled?, posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 21:59:54
Posted by Blossom on October 15, 2005, at 20:14:55
In reply to I's sorry I meant Blossom, how are you? (nm), posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 22:10:28
Hi Happyflower,
Nice of you to wonder about me. Actually, I'm still not quite sure what to think. Here's the latest: I went to see my doctor at the clinic on Friday, and popped my head in to my ex-T's office on the way in. He was there and we chatted for a minute. Then he was saying, "We may need to do some more work..."
I was thinking, "What on earth? You should know that that should not happen." I didn't have much time to talk, but later in the day, when I was feeling bold and frisky, I sent him an email basically saying I think you and I both know that you're NEVER going to get me back "on the couch" and that I don't need therapy anymore, and that, even though I don't think he'll ever admit it, he's saying that just because he enjoys my company.
How's that for boldness?
So either he'll get really mad at me, or he'll get the point. Maybe both. If so, oh well. Or maybe he's so oblivious, that he won't see what I'm trying to say, cause I was kind of being a tease about it to try to keep things light.
It'll be interesting to see how/if he responds to that.
Blossom
Posted by Susan47 on October 15, 2005, at 20:38:17
In reply to Re: I's sorry I meant Blossom, how are you?, posted by Blossom on October 15, 2005, at 20:14:55
My last post was meant for you too, Blossom, not Muffled, and I'm glad you told us 'cause I was wondering also. Keep it light, and he'll have to as well. Unless he wants to disclose.. which probably shouldn't happen. If there IS something to disclose. What the hell, let's be honest. There's ALWAYS something to disclose, if you want to. Because there's Always stuff happening, no matter who the people are, and there's always stuff you don't know the other person's thinking.
My guy was a non-disclosure man. I think. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything when it comes to Him. Ha-ha. He was a Mystery. And I miss him, but if I close my eyes, and I meditate on it, I can see him so clearly, I can see his incredible smile. I love him, I loved him, and I hope I'll always love him, and I hope nothing bad ever happens to him.
'Cause he is/was really, very special to me.
So how's about this guy, it doesn't sound like you feel that way about your ex-T.
Ex. Therapist.
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 20:47:13
In reply to Re: I's sorry I meant Blossom, how are you?, posted by Blossom on October 15, 2005, at 20:14:55
I think it will be so interesting how he responds to your post. I am glad you are standing so strong! :)
Do you think he is wanting to you to get back into therapy because of something you might have said to him after therapy? Or do you think he just wants to see you? Kinda weird thing for him to say. Normally is should have come from you that you thought you needed more therapy, not him especailly after termination. Please let us know what happens. :) Babble me anytime! Stay strong!
Posted by Susan47 on October 16, 2005, at 12:55:19
In reply to It will interesting! » Blossom, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 20:47:13
I'm wondering if he's playing Therapist, the little stool these people stand on sometimes, so to speak, they get behind their little mental podiums and go, "Ah, I see, and now you shall also See, and I will show you, my dear" ... not realizing that maybe you're not in the audience, anymore.
Posted by Blossom on October 16, 2005, at 13:58:28
In reply to Re: It will interesting!, posted by Susan47 on October 16, 2005, at 12:55:19
> I'm wondering if he's playing Therapist, the little stool these people stand on sometimes, so to speak, they get behind their little mental podiums and go, "Ah, I see, and now you shall also See, and I will show you, my dear" ... not realizing that maybe you're not in the audience, anymore.
(laughing) I think you're right. He's so arrogant! I feel like maybe partly it's his way of keeping the upper hand in the relationship, because in many ways, the playing field has been leveled.You'd think the way I talk about him that there would be no question about what I should do about him, but the truth is, I just LOVE pushing his buttons. It's so much fun. How can I stop? ; )
Blossom
Posted by crazy teresa on October 16, 2005, at 14:30:23
In reply to Re: It will interesting!, posted by Blossom on October 16, 2005, at 13:58:28
Posted by terrics on October 17, 2005, at 10:07:38
In reply to Need advice about friendship with former therapist, posted by Blossom on October 11, 2005, at 21:51:58
Hi, Sounds ok to me. Especially if romance is not involved. I think though that going to the clinic might not be such a good idea. The coffee shop sounds like a good place to chat with him.
I am friends with my former therapist but we are both female. We go shopping, out to dinner and talk on the phone. She said that she could not be my therapist because we were too friendly and suggested another therapist. At first I thought that she dumped me, but she didn't. terrics
Posted by Susan47 on October 17, 2005, at 18:47:58
In reply to Re: Need advice about friendship with former therapist » Blossom, posted by terrics on October 17, 2005, at 10:07:38
That is so nice. Is she a good friend or just someone you do stuff with? Because I have both, and I can't just describe someone as a friend anymore without going, oh hold on, maybe that's just a light friend, not a deep one. I don't shop with my deeper friends, I do other stuff, like garden together, make dinner together, jump on her trampoline and laugh and play like crazy, and we have very very deep talks. But there's a ton of stuff I don't do with her, either, but with other friends, but they're not at all like she is, she's my deepest best buddy who would be there for me as much as she could, always, but it took years and years to get to that stage.
Posted by Susan47 on October 17, 2005, at 18:59:44
In reply to Re: It will interesting!, posted by Blossom on October 16, 2005, at 13:58:28
>
> You'd think the way I talk about him that there would be no question about what I should do about him, but the truth is, I just LOVE pushing his buttons. It's so much fun. How can I stop? ; )
>
> Blossom
>
Well, yeah. I went through that also. I hate to say it but it's true, I thought, on some level, that he deserved to get a bit upset with me or at me, and you know that WAS my way of levelling the field. Ew, gross. Sometimes I shock myself at my own human frailty, you know, that stuff we do sometimes that's just bitter, but feels necessary.
So I'm just hoping that you don't torture the guy, or yourself either. Be really, really, REALLY Careful, okay, about hurting yourself. Please don't get hurt.
Keep a bit of distance.
Never reveal too much of your personal self.
Always remember that he isn't the supreme judge of you, your character, your abilities, your attractiveness, or anything else. He's just another guy.
But he knows you better than probably any other "guy" you ever knew, other than a lover.
That makes it tough, I don't know how you could stay friends unless you felt really strongly that you both liked each other so much that that was the necessary thing to keep you together. Never anything untoward. That might actually be a great agreeing place if it ever comes up, the best thing to do would be talk about it openly, get the male/female thing opened up and spit out and stamped upon until it almost isn't an issue, or maybe keep it The Issue so that you are always aware ...
God, wouldn't that be awesome? To always be in love with someone you never have to be let down from? To be always a dream to each other; more only in the context that you are in each other's company. And you're never doing anything immoral with each other, but you're always slightly tingling.
I would love that.
Who wouldn't?
And Why on Earth, Not?
Let's see, anybody know anybody else who has actually managed to have one of those relationships? Because it takes fortitude, courage, determination and dedication. Also a lot of what we all need to live for ... Love.
You know what? I envy you your chances, Blossom, to truly and joyfully Play a little.
:-)
Posted by Blossom on October 18, 2005, at 8:45:46
In reply to Re: It will interesting!, posted by Susan47 on October 17, 2005, at 18:59:44
Yeah, that's all I really want. I don't really want to torture him. I just like to see him react. (It was actually a problem for me in therapy, too, cause I would often do things just to see him react and it would hinder my progress. I'm over that though.) And I just enjoy interacting with him, cause he's funny. He's a character. He could never be my soul mate, though. We're too different.
But I think that the best thing to do right now is lay off for a bit, maybe. I won't be back in the mental health clinic for another month, when I go to see the P-doc, so I'll try to keep from running into him until then. Then we'll see what happens, hmmm? That way, he shouldn't think that I have any untoward intentions.
Thanks, Susan.
Blossom
Posted by Susan47 on October 18, 2005, at 19:40:51
In reply to Re: It will interesting!, posted by Blossom on October 18, 2005, at 8:45:46
But DO you have untoward intentions?
I need to ask that because I had to ask it of myself so many times.
Untoward .. isn't that like pulling his chain? Twisting his wire? Thinking you're getting away with some unusual behaviour, something for him to think about? Perhaps it is a way of leveling the field when you feel completely helpless.
My therapist knocked me over with his sexuality, I don't know if he's aware he has it or what. I don't know if he's had dozens of affairs with women, or clients, or is absolutely strait-laced. (Straight or strait, which is correct in this case???)
I'm gone.
This is the end of the thread.
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