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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 14:08:06
I am feeling quite very sad to leave my job and go back.
Actually I feel happy in my country, but I won't be making quite as much money. Plus the job that I have right now if quite an extremely good job. I feel very bad to leave everything and go.
I have already told my manager I will be resigning, and he has asked me to relocate to a division in my country, but that doesn't seem possible, because my husband insists on living with his parents in the same city (even in the same house) - where my current company doesn't have a division. But his father has been diagnosed with cancer, so I also don't feel like arguing about it.
But nevertheless, I always end up feeling extremely angry, jealous extra, whenever the talk comes of leaving and going back. It has been a repeating pattern for me all along. I blame my husband, feel bad, behave very badly towards him, get angry and upset. Nowadays I control my behaviour and say I am sorry immediately afterwards, and perhaps I am much much better than before, but still I feel extremely angry.
For all this, actually I have a new job, which is in a equally (maybe slightly less) good company in the same city where my in laws are staying. And I even have a more senior position there.
We are even planning to return after a year, but that is yet to be fully decided. Meanwhile, there are lot of tensions, in preserving my Green Card here etc.
It has been an ongoing issue for several years, and I am yet to come to terms with it.
When I get angry, I shout at my husband, accusing him of all things - I get even very jealous of other friends, and feel very bad about losing everything. I become almost like a different person, with uncontrollable anger and restlessness. But a while later, I calm down and apologize.
Any thoughts?
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2005, at 15:07:50
In reply to Feeling sad to leave, posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 14:08:06
My thoughts are that you have every right and reason to feel angry. There aren't many women in this country who would agree to leave their job to live with their inlaws. It is very reasonable to be angry at what you are leaving and to blame the immediate cause of it (your husband).
That being said, I also think it's probably not too productive or good for *you* to continue to think in those terms. Once you've made the decision that this is what you wanted to do, if not in its entirety then at least in comparison to the alternatives, I think it would be most useful for *you* if you think of it as a decision you made. That you wanted to make because the alternatives were even worse.
That too being said, I must confess that although I'm having a lot of similar "choices" right now, and am trying to follow my own advice, I'm also whining a whole lot.
(I'm sorry to see you leave as well.)
Posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 16:48:20
In reply to Re: Feeling sad to leave » orchid, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2005, at 15:07:50
Thanks Dinah for the support. It feels good to know that I am not the sole person who would feel this way.
Actually moving back is a 100 % decided thing. Besides, it is a commitment I made to my hsuband long back, and it is time to honor it. Plus his father is terminally ill, and though he is quite old, and my husband isn't very bonded to him as such, I don't want to play with things when a person is terminally ill. I want to support my husband's desire to be with his father during his last days, and I have nothing against it. So I have been trying to be as supportive as possible to my husband overall. I didn't make a big fuss for moving back either.
But I don't want to stay with my in laws. That is a major concern for me. There is also my brother in law who is staying in the same house, and though I like my in laws quite a lot, I prefer to stay somewhere closeby and visit them kind of everyday evening. I am mad because my husband won't listen to this option. Ideally, I want to continue even with my same company in a different city and mabye commute on the weekends, or my husband can stay with his parents and I can stay where my company is and commute, but he is refusing to give me that option as well. That is why I get so angry. I can't handle staying with in laws and a brother in law. It is too much for me to handle with the move as such.
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2005, at 17:54:56
In reply to Re: Feeling sad to leave » Dinah, posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 16:48:20
You shouldn't have to. If that's not part of the decision you made, you shouldn't have to do it. Living with inlaws is stressful enough, without having yet another one.
You've compromised so much in this. I think this is one small thing your husband should give to you in return.
Posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 19:11:33
In reply to Re: Feeling sad to leave » orchid, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2005, at 17:54:56
Thanks Dinah for your support.
This marriage has been extremely stressful for me throughout. There is always one issue or the other, and though we manage to have lot of good times, there are always some issue to be worked out. There is always one thing or the other that goes wrong.
I wonder why though. In spite of best efforts on both my end and my husbands end, it always ends up little short of smooth sailing.
I wish I can have a peaceful smooth sailing marriage one day. But I think it is never going to happen.
I also compromise quite a bit, and my hsuband also compromises quite a bit. Both of us are educated, adjusting, and basically somewhat decent people. And we have the same education, salaray level, same religion, language, culture etc. Yet it is so difficult to have a smooth time.
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2005, at 21:42:57
In reply to Feeling sad to leave, posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 14:08:06
Hi Orchid,
I know how hard this decision has been for you. I think your anger is completely justified. You are leaving a job you like and a life that you have grown comfortable in. You're going to live with your in-laws and have to take a job for less pay. That is pure stress.
I give you much credit for doing this. You are sacrificing so much for your husband and even with your doubts still are going to make this move.
I'm sorry that you are so conflicted about this whole thing, I wish I could help, but I don't know what to advise.
Take care. I hope you get regular internet access, so you can keep in touch with us.
Poet
Posted by JenStar on October 4, 2005, at 11:34:46
In reply to Feeling sad to leave, posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 14:08:06
hi Orchid,
I'm sorry you're leaving, too! :( The country will be a poorer place without you, I'm sure.I'm also sorry that your needs are not being met or even considered in this move. I wish you could do what YOU want with the job and the living situation. Is there any chance you could put your foot down and insist on taking the job with your current company, and living apart/communting? What would happen to your marriage/situation if you actually did that, and would any part of you EVER consider doing it?
In any case, I hope the move goes OK and that you're happy in India. Pleae keep us updated!
take care!
jenStar
Posted by orchid on October 4, 2005, at 13:38:47
In reply to Re: Feeling sad to leave » orchid, posted by Poet on October 3, 2005, at 21:42:57
Thanks Poet and JS.
On second thoughts, actually it may not be such a bad idea to move to a new company also. The company I am going to move to is also one of the top companies. In fact, in overall revenue it is even higher than my current company.And the salary that I will get is comparable to the salary that I will get in my same company in a different city. Plus I will be lot closer to my family as well, which will be better for me too.
Now I am thinking maybe it is a good idea to move to a new company, and have that experience as well. I have been with my current one for 5 years, and I already know the basics of operations here. Plus I have a more senior role in my new company which is acutlaly good for my career growth.
And we are both thinking of returning back to the US in a year or two, and if I am staying for 1 or 2 years there, it doesn't matter too much where I am working.
And my husband will also have peace of mind
Posted by Tamar on October 5, 2005, at 13:08:46
In reply to Feeling sad to leave, posted by orchid on October 3, 2005, at 14:08:06
Hi Orchid,
I can imagine you're feeling sad and angry and all kinds of emotions. You're facing a very big change in your life.
I think it's a good thing that you're doing much better emotionally. It seems as if you have the psychological resources to deal with all the changes, even though you don't like them much.
About your marriage... I'm certain that all marriages have periods where things aren't plain sailing. It's often possible to work through it and have long periods of satisfaction and contentment too. And I do think things can be very difficult in the first few years when both the man and the woman are trying to get used to living together.
I'm not sure that living with your in-laws will make things any easier, so I think it might be worth talking to your husband about what you might do if things become unbearable for you. If you have a possible escape plan before you move in with his parents, it might give you a sense of being less trapped.
I hope things go very well for you.
Tamar
Posted by gardenergirl on October 5, 2005, at 16:01:16
In reply to Re: Feeling sad to leave » orchid, posted by Tamar on October 5, 2005, at 13:08:46
I agree, it makes sense to me that there would be a jumble of emotions about this move and what it means.
Take gentle care of yourself. I hope the new job is fulfilling and that you have Internet access or some other way to stay in touch.
Take care,
gg
Posted by orchid on October 5, 2005, at 19:02:36
In reply to Re: Feeling sad to leave, posted by gardenergirl on October 5, 2005, at 16:01:16
Thanks Tamar and GG.
I have been telling my husband repeatedly that I don't have the mental agility to handle living with in laws and brother in law at this point.
But he wants to stay with them. He is inviting trouble unnecessarily. The house is not that big either, and it will be quite crowded. I like my in laws, especially I really really like my father in law very much. But that is different from staying together and adjusting on a daily basis with everyone. I am even ok with staying in the same apartment complex or living very nearby and visiting them everyday.I hope something works out well.
Thanks for your help.
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