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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:32:46
I want to do something very very stupid... Anything - as long as it is something totally pathetic and bad..
I don't know why I feel this way.. either hurt myself, or have an affair, or run away somewhere without letting anyone know.. and not come back..something out of my character..
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:43:21
In reply to Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:32:46
I did. Didn't help all that much.
Maybe we should think of doing something decadent and self indulgent instead.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:45:46
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 17:43:21
> I did. Didn't help all that much.
>
> Maybe we should think of doing something decadent and self indulgent instead.What did you do?
What I am feeling these past couple of days is really scary - even to me.. IT is almost like somehow I want to take a revenge.. against my dad, my ex T, my husband.. I want to do something really bad to myself and tell them "look - this is what all you great guys brought me to"..and throw away my life at their face. It is really scary feeling.
Posted by spalding on July 20, 2005, at 17:56:33
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:45:46
Hi pinkeye:
I have been there. I totally know what you're going through. It really can come take hold, and hard.
I like what Dinah said about doing something self-indulgent instead of self-destructive...but I would have a tough time, too, trying to figure out what. For me I think it would just be to shut myself in my office with some snacks and some stupid TV. Ironically, when I do that a lot of times I end up drifting into writing and thinking and end up feeling better.
But looking back on your message...don't give them the power. If you hurt yourself and then turn around and say, "See?" they will either say, "oh I'm sorry" (but probably not, I suspect) or "I didn't make you do that! Don't be ridiculous" Not a win-win situation, more like lose-lose. You don't want to end up feeling that way. Worse.
Try to do something good for yourself. Or post away here. I do hope you feel better soon.
spalding.
> What I am feeling these past couple of days is really scary - even to me.. IT is almost like somehow I want to take a revenge.. against my dad, my ex T, my husband.. I want to do something really bad to myself and tell them "look - this is what all you great guys brought me to"..and throw away my life at their face. It is really scary feeling.
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 18:00:15
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:45:46
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050719/msgs/530723.html
Yeah, I know how you feel. But the rotten part is that that isn't how they'll feel at all. They won't recognize it as a result of anything they've done. Not even if you write a letter spelling it all out. They'll think it was your fault, and they'll be mad at you. That sort of revenge doesn't work worth a *^%$.
There's got to be a better way.
(I self injured for the first time in a long time. And more out of anger than anything else for the first time in a very very very long time. I don't recommend it. It doesn't have the intended results.)
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 18:12:51
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » pinkeye, posted by spalding on July 20, 2005, at 17:56:33
I don't want to do anything good for myself.. I don't want anything constructive.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 18:17:58
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 18:00:15
I am sorry about your dog.. that is hard on you.
I also feel very much like injuring myself.. in some way - maybe not physically.. but in some way.
Especially my ex T - he was the one who taught me so many things.. Now I feel like destroying everything he taught me and destroying myself and going back to what I was before I met him.. I don't want him to feel good about treating me.. whatever good he gave me, he took it all away in the end.. and put me through such immense pain and confusion..
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 18:25:08
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 18:17:58
But would there be any satisfaction if he didn't know? Or didn't get the intended message at all?
I dunno. I understand the urge. But I just don't think it's as effective as we might like. It just leads those who don't understand to think badly of us.
My husband is really mad at me. I didn't intend for him to find out, but in my rush to get dressed last night, I forgot.
Posted by spalding on July 20, 2005, at 18:37:52
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » spalding, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 18:12:51
> I don't want to do anything good for myself.. I
> don't want anything constructive.I'm so sorry, pinkeye. And again, there are times when I'm right there with you. I wish I could take all the negative impulses and bad feelings away. We care for you here.
spalding
Posted by spalding on July 20, 2005, at 18:39:18
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 18:25:08
> My husband is really mad at me. I didn't intend
> for him to find out, but in my rush to get
> dressed last night, I forgot.Whoooooooooo. One week ago, this was me. Take care, Dinah
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 18:44:36
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 18:25:08
hmm.. that rage is past now.. it was almost a 15 minute thing..now I don't feel like hurting him or hurting anyone.. wonder if it will return..
Boy, I really do understand what motivates people to commit suicide.. it is almost like, "I can't escape this pain - and I can't get to the person who caused me this.. so atleast this way, let me get back my revenge".. It is awful..
I don't know why I ended up giving this much power to my ex T over me.. It is not love, it is not a fatherly thing either. It is almost like I trusted him like God. And he let me down. It is incredibly powerful and pathetically sad.. I have never given anyone this much power over me. I wonder if he ever realized what it did to me.. Now I understand why toomuchpain tried to commit suicide when terminated by her T.. Something about being a T is so incredibly powerful and not everyone is suited to handle that power.
Posted by Jen Star on July 20, 2005, at 18:58:38
In reply to Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:32:46
Pinkeye,
I understand the feeling. BUT -- people usually never "realize" that it was their fault that you did something bad to yourself. They will not blame themselves, nor will they (usually) be or act sorry for something they did. The only person who suffers is YOU, because not only did you hurt yourself/do something bad, you also worsened yourself in their eyes. I do understand the feeling of wanting to "show" people, but I don't think it ever works, honestly.And I like Dinah's idea - do something nice for yourself instead, because you deserve something nice! You deserve a good and happy life. And if you don't think you deserve it, well, go ahead and take it anyway. Other people have a good, happy life, why not you? what the H***, why NOT take a good life if it's there for the taking? Someday we'll all be dead (sorry to be morbid). While we're here, why not enjoy the ride as much as we can?
Take care of yourself, Pinkeye! Don't do anything bad or scary, don't hurt yourself. I think it would only backfire and you'd end up in a much uglier situation.
JenStar
Posted by rabidreader on July 20, 2005, at 19:02:26
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger* » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 18:44:36
I have been there myself with scary impulses. I am worried about my T's power too, as he just told me he's leaving and I've been in love with him for several months. I understand about wanting to do something reckless and destructive. For me it's always been suicidal impulses...but I have also entertained thoughts of revenge on my abusers. I think this may be more common than is realized?...
Hang in there.
Posted by Jen Star on July 20, 2005, at 19:02:47
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Jen Star on July 20, 2005, at 18:58:38
PInkeye,
if you want to show people up, why not show them how independent you are, how strong you are, and how you refuse to take any s*** anymore? Show your husband that you're a tough cookie who won't be hit. Show your parents that you're independent and you WILL be treated with respect. Show the world that Pinkeye is HERE, and is cool, and she's not going to take any cr** from anyone! (That's the way to show them!)OF course, that is much easier said than done. BUT -- if you want revenge, I think taking your life back from those who stole it away...taking back your confidence and your pride...that would be the best form of revenge. Because YOU'D win in that scenario, and they'd also see how you've changed and don't need them as much anymore.
Anyway, I hope you're well. take care of yourself.
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:20:11
In reply to Re: Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger** » Jen Star, posted by Jen Star on July 20, 2005, at 19:02:47
Thanks JS.. I have tried it before, and it works for sometime, but the pain always comes back. :-(
Posted by Poet on July 20, 2005, at 20:16:58
In reply to Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:32:46
Posted by Susan47 on July 21, 2005, at 20:09:41
In reply to Thinking of doing something stupid **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 17:32:46
I used to feel that way before AD's, when I was PMS'ing. It was really scary. I felt like I wanted to do something that would get me into real trouble. It didn't feel good, it felt dangerous.
This is the end of the thread.
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