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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
I was just wondering, if my response to abrupt termination was out of line.
How would people react to being terminated abruptly? Will you be able to move on easily?
Posted by frida on June 28, 2005, at 15:16:08
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
I'm really sorry you're struggling after your T terminated in such an abrupt, painful way...
of course your feeligns are not out of line!
if my T terminated me abruptly, I would be devastated :-( I can't even think about it without feeling tears.
I'm really sorry that happened to you.I wish you could find some peace of mind about this, I wish he could offer some explanation and talk with you...it is very hurtful...
sending you support
Frida
>
> How would people react to being terminated abruptly? Will you be able to move on easily?
Posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 15:35:06
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
> I was just wondering, if my response to abrupt termination was out of line.
>
> How would people react to being terminated abruptly? Will you be able to move on easily?Oh my goodness! No way! If my therapist had terminated me as abruptly as yours I would have fallen to pieces!
Termination was hard enough in a controlled environment. The transference thing takes a while to dissipate (and as you know I'm still transferring like there's no tomorrow). That would be so much harder if I felt deeply rejected and abandoned as well.
One of the things we spent some time on at the end was talking about my feelings of rejection and abandonment, and working out how they fitted into the wider picture of everything we'd been working on in therapy. So ultimately I didn't feel abandoned by my therapist, even though termination raised those abandonment feelings.
We also talked a bit about how sad I felt to be moving on and not seeing him any more. It was very important to me that he understood just how sad I felt.
I'm sure if your therapist had done termination properly he would have gone through the same kind of stuff. But perhaps because he was retiring from therapy he didn't do what he needed to do. I don't know what his circumstances were. I'd like to hope that he knows he got it wrong with you and that he regrets that.
I really don't think you're over-reacting.
I don't know if other people will be able to answer this question unless they've already terminated. I suspect that imagining termination could be quite difficult and painful for people who are still in therapy. When I remember how I felt during therapy, I was very anxious about termination. I think it's yet another thing we want to be able to trust our therapists with. My experience was as good as it could have been. I’m so sorry that yours was so awful, and I hope that your termination with your current therapist will be much, much better.
Posted by LadyBug on June 28, 2005, at 15:49:04
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 15:35:06
I have been with my T. for over 8 years and the thoughts of termination are too uncomfortable for me right now, so it's not in my near plans.
I would be devistated if my T. did what your's did. I know without a doubt she would never do that to me. I even told her yesterday about how your T. terminated with you!! She could't believe how a T. could reject someone that way. That wasn't termination in her eyes. That was total rejection! And how hurtful it would be and was for you.
It would bother me for a life time. I'd be just as upset as you have been. And I'd let my T. know how I felt. I'm sorry for your situation.
LadyBug
Posted by Jen Star on June 28, 2005, at 16:31:24
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
I think your response is normal and that you're actually coping well! It just makes it all the more important for T's to realize how critical it is that they terminate with kindness and compassion and respect for the client.
I'd be p***ed off if my T terminated me in the fashion yours did! I'd be mad, and also sad, and probably also would feel very insecure and unloved and unworthy. And then I'd be even more mad at feeling those feelings. It would NOT be good.
I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this. Your T made huge mistakes in the way he terminated. Therapy is supposed to help you live after it is over...not force you to agonize over the ending! He really did not do a good job with the termination - it's clear.
take care,
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 16:57:25
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
I don't want to lessen the impact of what your therapist did. It hurt, and it hurts, and he could have been way more sensitive.
But I wonder if there was a bit of a communication problem. He had seen you face to face for a while, then answered your emails for a while after that. Is it possible that he considered that therapy had ended at the end of the face to face portion? And that the year or so of emails after that was the termination phase? He wasn't being paid for his email communications. And he did taper off in his replies to you over time.
I'm not saying he handled the very end well. He didn't. He should have given you time to prepare.
But perhaps in his mind, the actual therapy had terminated some time previously.
Posted by messadivoce on June 28, 2005, at 17:22:47
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
This *did* happen to me, on Valentine's day no less, with my second T.
I was angry at her for abandoning me.
I was angry at the VP for making her leave.
I was angry at myself for getting attached.
I was angry at my friends and peers because had I told them, they wouldn't have understood.
I was angry at my old T for suggesting I go back to therapy.
I was angry at God, who could have prevented it from happening.
I was angry that things can just fly to pieces like that.
I am not angry any more. But I went from devastation, to sadness, to anger to depression, several times over.
I feel suspicious of therapy now. I am afraid to start again.
I go on with life knowing that at any moment, it could all come apart. But somehow that makes it so much more important that I pick up the pieces and keep going.
I think that whatever you are feeling, abrupt termination or no, that it's normal.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:23:27
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 16:57:25
Frida - thanks for your support. But I think it is not possible to get more support from my ex T. I have to deal this on my own
LadyBug - thanks.. I really admire your therapist.. on how she said you can contact her forever.
Tamar - I am glad your termination went reasonably well.. I really think I should have had more chance to correspond with my ex T regarding this termination than what he allowedJenStar - Thanks for the support.. I also feel very unloved and abandoned and insecure..
Dinah - you are partly right. But the thing is, even just 3 months back, he told me I could write to him as much as I wished (when he had retired from practice). He said I don't have to stop communicating, and that I can write as much as I wanted whenever I wanted. So I was under that assumption that he would atleast write to me maybe once in 3 months or something for some more time... And subsequently, I told him I wanted to minimize contact, and then also he said I can write to him if it is necessary.. But couple of emails later, he said he was terminating me, and then after that never responded even when I told him I am hurting a lot, and he was wrong to terminate the way, and this abrupt termination was so very hard for me to take. So I am not so sure..
Posted by sleepygirl on June 28, 2005, at 17:24:52
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
heck no!!
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 17:25:32
In reply to For all, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:23:27
You know his family?
Is it possible that something happened in his personal or professional life that made continued contact with you impossible or inadvisable?
It seems like a sudden turnaround to be with no reason.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:30:19
In reply to Re: For all » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 17:25:32
I know his family.. but nothing really happened to the best of my knowledge.. no drastic things anyway (if there were something, it would be all over in the newspaper, since he is a VIP).
One possibility I thought of is that his wife probably objected if she knew.. Maybe that is a valid reason if that happened. But atleast I would have had much more peace if he had told me that straight out.. that his wife is not comfortable with writing - that would have definitely been more easier for me to digest, and I would have ended up respecting him a lot more if he had been open with me like that. I know he is very busy nowadays, but not so busy to not even be able to write one line email once in 3 months - especially after I told him how bad I felt.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:34:53
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on June 28, 2005, at 17:22:47
Thanks a lot Voce.. Validation is the only thing that helps at times like these I guess. It really helps to know other people went through it and are feeling the same thing.
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 17:37:54
In reply to Re: For all » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:30:19
Maybe he doesn't think that a one line email would really make you feel better. Do you think it would?
I don't think it would make me feel better. :(
I dunno. I guess I just don't think that it's in your own best interests to assume the worst about him or his feelings about you.
Mind you, if it were my therapist, I would probably explode into a million pieces.
I just hate seeing you hurting like this.
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 17:39:36
In reply to Re: For all » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 17:37:54
Forgive me. I don't think I'm helping much.
Never mind what I said.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:46:57
In reply to Re: For all » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2005, at 17:37:54
No that is fine Dinah.. You are being right in a way. Maybe he really thinks an one liner wouldn't help me..
But really, I am hurting more this way with abruptness than anything else..
It is perhaps not a good idea to assume worst intentions - that is why I didn't go in that path for the last 5 months.. I thought somehow he had my best intentions and somehow this is for my good. But really, after telling him how much it bothered me, and if he still continues to be silent, I really can't understand why it would be good for me ?? I would never do that if I were a therapist. And I dont' see the reason why anybody would think it is a good thing. If he really wanted to make me look into my problems with dad and see how I could be projecting it to him, mabye atleast he can tell me that?? right? He could have said, "I know you are going through a severe transference, and I really would like if you continue to work on that and understand what is really bothering you with your current T.".. something like this would have indicated to me that he atleast cared about me. Now I am beginning to doubt even that - no caring person would leave someone - especially after I told him that I really understand it is about my trasnference with my dad and it is really not about him, and I thought of him as my dad in some way.. I really tried to extend myself as much as possible. I told him I understood that he is perhaps not used to treating long time patients, or dealing with transference, that Indian psychiatry is not that advanced probably, and he should read more of these kind of discussion boards to understand how much of a torture patients go through when they have transference etc.
Beyond this, would any client be more understanding ?? I really don't know. I told him I really am aware that I am projecting a lot of stuff on to him, that there was possibly lot of miscommunication throught emails and I know he is very busy - but all I asked for is a brief email once in 3 - 4 months for coupel of times more while I move on. I explicitly asked only for this. And beyond this I really don't know what I should have done better.
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:57:08
In reply to Re: For all » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:46:57
That is the best explanation that I can come to his behavior... maybe he is just trying to see how far I would go - how much transference can really affect a person. He probably hasn't seen anyone like me before in india, and maybe just using me as a case study or something.. or maybe he just doens't care and never cared..
Posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 18:10:59
In reply to Maybe he is using me like a guinea pig.., posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 17:57:08
Maybe I am giving him more credit than he deserves.. Maybe he is really like my father, and I jsut reacted to it. Maybe he is really unemotional and little cruel. Once he mentioned to me when I went for therapy face to face, that he had asked one patient in the previous session to stop coming and seeing him becuase he was being a nuisance. Maybe that is the same thing he did to me as well. He had mentioned that he really does'nt like all the patients - that he just pretends sometimes. Maybe he never really bothered too much.. Maybe I was just seeing the good parts only and focussing too much on it and trying to think very highly of him..
Posted by Shortelise on June 29, 2005, at 2:10:21
In reply to How would you react to termination **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:35
You knowthis is a hard place for me to go right now.
If I leave therapy now, it will be my choice though I am feeling as if I may not have much choice as my T isn't willing to bend a little.
But listen Pinkeye, it would be awful to be abruptly terminated.
It would break my heart.
But it wouldn't help me to feel the victim. That's an old, bad habit for me, one I can't repeat or it would rot me from the inside out. I am getting on with things in the here and now, and I'll see what happens when I see my T again in a month.
Beware the victim paradigm, Pinkeye. Forgive me if that's close to bone, and also forgive me if I'm way off base.
((pinkeye))
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on June 29, 2005, at 14:01:26
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on June 29, 2005, at 2:10:21
Thanks ShortE for the different perspective.. I am also realizing it is of no good to me to think like a victim.
Maybe it happened for Good. Atleast I got some understanding into myself.. I wish it had happened in a different way, but it didn't. So I cannot really do anything about it now..
Posted by Shortelise on June 30, 2005, at 1:05:19
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » Shortelise, posted by pinkeye on June 29, 2005, at 14:01:26
I think you might be able to do something about it Pinkeye - fight to let it go, fight to get out from under it. Fight the depression. Don't give in to it.
((pinkeye))
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 16:59:04
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on June 30, 2005, at 1:05:19
Thanks ShortE. It doesn't seem to be very easy though :-(
Posted by Shortelise on June 30, 2005, at 23:56:38
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » Shortelise, posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 16:59:04
Easy? I should think not!!!!
But we have to keep moving in the direction we want to go even when we're not sure we;ll ever get there, do you think?
((pinkeye))
Shorte
Posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2005, at 14:43:37
In reply to Re: How would you react to termination **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on June 30, 2005, at 23:56:38
Yeah. true. But sometimes you just don't know where you are going. But makes sense to keep going anyway.
This is the end of the thread.
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