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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm hurting, a lot actually, and I feel really torn up inside. I'm under so much pressure I feel like I'm going to explode. Yet I'm avoiding my therapist. I called and canceled yesterday about 2 hours before my session and he caught me on my cell phone and asked me to please come, even if I felt I couldn't talk about these feelings. So I went, and I tried, but mostly I fought back tears and filled in the blanks of the events of the weekend for him.
I had a very hard night, lots of nightmares and I woke up knowing I couldn't go to therapy today. I called midmorning and left the message that I wasn't coming and then I turned off my phone. My therapist left two messages, saying I sounded upset and that he was worried. The second message said, "I think this is a bad time for you to pull away from me." I didn't go. I did leave a message saying I wasn't going to hurt myself, not to worry.
I can't figure out why it hurts so much to think about talking to him. Usually this makes me feel better, even if I'm nervous about the session. I've never canceled without very good reason in 2 years. A part of me didn't even want to call, I just wanted to not show up. (Darn that responsible gene!)
Now, tonight, I feel really whammied by a sense of dread and loss. Part of me wants to go to see him tomorrow, part of me still wants to stay away. I don't know what to do. But what is really disturbing is that I don't understand these feelings at all, what is going on here?! When I ask myself if perhaps I'm "done" there is an ache that gets really big and the tears come.
Falls - I know we talked about the fact that it feels like a boulder is sitting on my chest and I'm pinned down, I can't move and I can't get away from the pain. You asked how you could help move the boulder...you even offered to get help from other babblers to hoist it up. But it feels bigger and heavier now than it did 4 hours ago. There is a sense of giving up that has crept in...if I can't get out from under the boulder, maybe I should just surrender to the pain, give up and allow my spirit to be completely squashed. Eventually numbness will take over, right?
I have no idea what to do next. I just know that something has to give because this ledge is feeling smaller and smaller.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 15, 2005, at 0:59:10
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
(((((daisy))))
Darn it, I just missed you online again.
I think that boulder metaphor is a good one. It really speaks to feeling stuck and in pain. I'm sorry it's getting bigger. I'm kind of at a loss about what to say here, and I suspect it's because you are at a loss, too.
Can you go in and try to talk about the boulder? No need to make progress, be brave, or have any expectations except just to tell him where you are at... stuck under something painful you cannot move alone. And being stuck like that pretty much would require rescue. Are you afraid he won't? Or maybe that the boulder might fall back down on you both, and then what? Can you try to think about getting the boulder propped up a bit so you can breathe, and maybe let him sit with you while you just rest?
Wish I had a crane....
gg
Posted by 10derHeart on June 15, 2005, at 1:06:21
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
(((((Daisy)))))
We posted within 20 minutes of each other, I noticed. Hmmm, great minds....or maybe - sad, confused, hurting insomniacs think alike..? ;-)
I have no great words of wisdom. Anything I say you've already thought of, no doubt. But I do want you to know I care - a lot. Your hurt flows through your posts - and if you understand my meaning - that's GOOD, 'cause then we can at least try to feel some of where you're at.
I just have a couple rambling ideas I'll try to spell out. First, after dealing with your father, I wouldn't be surpised at ANY combination of feelings you have right now. Even though you've thought about it, talked to your T. about it, and likely twisted it round and round in your mind - still - that was TOO intense an experience (you must have just had to tough your way through it) and now you just can't expect much of anything "usual" to go on emotionally. I'm sure you know this. But, do you really *know* that all sorts of intense, weird reactions are to be expected, or, are you maybe trying even now to be tough and rational and strong?
Seems like fear/avoidance of your T. could be as simple as BECAUSE he's the ultimate safe place, you know it's possible you could just go ahead and STOP fighting back the tears, let huge waves of rage and anger and _____ (fill in the blank) out - and that possibility is ALWAYS terrifying. The potential loss of control alone must bring back the old cycle of, "NOW am I too much for you?" with your T. Could that be part of it?
I don't think you're *done* at all, if I can be so bold. No way. Not now. Not for as long as it takes. So, I wish I could just gently reach around inside your head and heart and at least remove that fear. Because you have plenty of other fears and pressures in life without fearing losing your T. on top of it You won't.
You've been through an awfully rough time lately. You probably need your T. more than ever. So could you be testing him over and over, without meaning to? That would be understandable.
I'm probably stating the obvious, being vague and off base. It's 1 am again - can I use that as an excuse?
Keep posting, Daisy. Hashing this stuff out has helped you before, I think. And consider maybe NOT holding back those tears right now? I suspect after the family visit there might be some poison inside you needing to be released - and not alone, but with your T.
Hugs and peace and rest to you... - 10Der
Posted by All Done on June 15, 2005, at 1:59:45
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
(((Daisy))),
Would it be any easier to go to your session tomorrow if you knew you didn't have to say anything? Because I think that would be okay. I agree with 10derHeart that your T is the ultimate safety for you. Just go and try to feel that. Just be there. There would be no need to explain what you feel or analyze it. He is safe. Let him help you though this.
I wish I could replace that boulder with a nice, soft, cushy pillow.
Take good care,
Laurie
Posted by Tamar on June 15, 2005, at 5:25:40
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
Daisy, I’m sorry you’re so sad and confused. And, like others I suspect it’s fallout from dealing with your father. I’m sure you know deep down that you’re not done, and maybe the idea of being done is both a relief and a stress.
Could all this have something to do with your changing feelings towards your T? Are you feeling less safety, or perhaps fear that the nature of the safety is changing?
Your boulder metaphor is very powerful. I’d like to offer to help hoist it up, if I may. And I’m sure your therapist keeps a crane or two handy.
(((((Daisy)))))
Tamar
Posted by Jazzed on June 15, 2005, at 8:25:16
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
(((((Daisy)))),I SO sorry you're feeling so bad. It seems to me that you really NEED to go to your T as soon as possible. Remember you said he was like a dentist, good at pulling things out? He could really help you get this boulder off your chest, so you don't feel so trapped and afraid. I think he's right, this is a bad time for you to pull away from him because he can help you dump out all the bad stuff, and understand why you're having all these confusing feelings. I don't think you're done at all. I think you really need your T right now to help you off that ledge. Please don't let yourself go numb.
Jazzy
Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2005, at 11:16:33
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
Are you perhaps feeling angry with your therapist? Or confusing feelings for your father with feelings for your therapist?
Whenever I get the desire to cancel without the requisite notice that would keep me from having to pay, I always examine myself closely for anger. For me, at least, it's usually there. Because last minute cancelling, for me, is to some extent an act against my therapist as much as an act for me. Another is leaving my check on his desk as I walk in. It's a way of saying that I just might walk out of session.
You might be completely different of course, and you might not have a shred of anger with him.
In either case, the feelings appear strong enough (and sudden enough) that they are worth exploring. I don't think you should pull away at this point.
I wish I could lift the boulder. Or help you burrow out from underneath it, leaving it behind you.
Posted by pinkeye on June 15, 2005, at 12:47:53
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
Daisy,
I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I think you are definitely not done - not for some more time.And perhaps your withdrawal from your therapist is in response to it being so hurting - this healing process. When it seems too much, can you allow yourself to keep it aside for a few days and talk about lighter stuff in therapy instead of dwelving in the hard core issues?
Also writing more here might help and taking a printout and giving it to your therapist.
I am at a loss for words now, but if I think of something else later, I will write again.
Take Care.
Hugs
Pinkeye
Posted by Shortelise on June 15, 2005, at 13:06:07
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
I think sometimes it's the idea of looking at the pain that scares me - I am there, under that boulder (great image) with my face firmly averted. What is it that is oppressing me so much? It must be some ugly, untenable truth that I have no desire to uncover because no doubt it is going to be horribly painful.
How I feel for you. I hate this stuff.
Sometimes I can relax with visualisations - I have to make myself, though. It doesn't come easy.
(((daisy)))
ShortE
Posted by Aphrodite on June 15, 2005, at 13:44:54
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
If you're anything like me, feeling under pressure and at risk to lose the "together facade," I feel tempted to skip too. I'm afraid just going into his office will induce that explosion, and then I'll feel a loss of control, which I absolutely cannot stand.
The boulder analogy is a good one. You're stuck, and the only thing is for him to come and get you. I hope he gently keeps nudging you not to pull away. Maybe you need for him to show persistence in helping you when you can't help yourself. Perhaps you can ask for that? I know before you've asked him to not let you harm your own therapy and healing. I hope you remind him that there are times you need strong guidance.
Right now, you need to be rescued. Please send up the red flag to him.
(((Daisy)))
Posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2005, at 14:07:08
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
See how many people will help me lift that boulder? And even if it gets bigger and heavier, there are more Babblers to help lift it off you.
Please call and try to see him today. I know that terrifies you, but you really need to do it anyway.
Please call me at work if you are tempted to not call him.
(((((...Daisy)))))...
Falls - with a heavy chain wrapped around the boulder and a pulley system that give us an incredible mechanical advantage. See how many Babblers are here to help hoist up that boulder? And we can help you get out once it is in the air. We can carry you and take care of you and keep you safe. Is everyone ready to pull on the chain? Heave Ho!
Posted by pegasus on June 15, 2005, at 14:42:51
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
Daisy,
You sound so overwhelmed, it breaks my heart. I hope the obvious love that everyone here has for you is helping a bit. I think if any one of us could carry your pain for you for a day we would.
Please try to let your T help even if you can only allow him in a little tiny bit. I understand about the impulse to avoid him when you're so overwhelmed. I've felt that also at times. But please at least stay in touch with him. Even if it's just trading voicemails frequently. And please let us know how you are doing. I'm so glad you posted today.
((((Daisy))))
pegasus
Posted by happyflower on June 15, 2005, at 16:37:07
In reply to Re: Sad and confused, posted by pegasus on June 15, 2005, at 14:42:51
ohhh Daisy, (((((big hugs)))). I think you and I are going through the nitty gritty of therapy right now. It IS so hard. I wanted to pull away from my T too, but not really, I just wanted him to pull himself to me and help me. It is so hard to ask for support when you need it. You have a great T , let him help you, I am sure he can calm you down. Please keep posting and let us help with the burden of that boulder on your chest. We care about you. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 1:34:22
In reply to Re: Sad and confused, posted by pegasus on June 15, 2005, at 14:42:51
Thank you all for your input and nudging. I did go see my therapist today. He wasn't mad that I canceled, just concerned for me. He said he imagined that I was just overwhelmed and needed to not talk about it for a while. He said isolating myself wasn't healthy but he could understand why I needed to. He did mention that we have an agreement that he won't let me just pull away without talking to him about why...and that it was me who asked for this.
He asked me if I was mad at him, especially since he is going on vacation in 9 days. I said I didn't think so, that I was ready for the vacation and more prepared this year. He didn't challenge me on this, though he did raise his eyebrows. He agrees with what most of you guys wrote, that this is the tidal wave after the weekend earth quake. He said it would probably help if I could just talk about what happened inside my head this weekend but I struggled with this. So I made a list of all the little and big things that were upsetting this weekend, as quickly as I could, without forethought. Surprisingly (for me anyway) I had my therapist tucked away in the middle of the list, kind of buried. It was "you didn't come and get me" -- put sort of jokingly but there were immediate tears. I mumbled something about it being a "little kid wish" and he very quietly said it was OK for me to have this wish. He said, "I let you down." I protested, saying there was nothing he could have done and I knew this. He joked a little: "you wanted me to swoop in with the batcopter and get you out of there -- but you didn't call me." I said I should have used the bat signal -- and then he got serious and said, "I really do wish there was more that I could have done and I don't think you are telling me the worst of it. I can see you are suffering and I want you to share it with me." The tears came out then, and we talked about some of it. We talked about the conflicting feelings of really wanting the weekend to be over and have my dad go home and how sad and awful I feel when my dad leaves. This is an old conflict and a very painful one.
Which took us right back to the vacation - "Are you worried about me leaving?" and I sort of nodded and tearfully said I didn't want to be bothered by it, but I was and I didn't want to talk about it. But of course we did..."
We aren't done with this, I still don't know why yesterday was impossible and why it was so hard to make myself go today. But I left feeling less alone and more connected to him again. I did sort of wail about how long I'm taking and such slow progress. He told me (again!) that this process takes a very long time and I'm too in the middle to see the progress but he does. I reminded him that I'm an over-achiever and have high expectations for myself! Mostly I'm just shocked that it hurts this much again. It takes me to such a dark, hopeless place.
Thank you all again for your support. I will try to keep posting if you don't get sick of this and me. I feel like such a downer these days.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 4:39:47
In reply to Today, posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 1:34:22
Posted by annierose on June 16, 2005, at 6:56:46
In reply to Today, posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 1:34:22
You do have such an empathic T, who just seems to always know what to say and when to say it.
Daisy, I don't think you realize how great you are doing in therapy. You have processed so much pain about your past, pain you had buried for so many years. Pain you weren't even going to deal with in therapy and boom, it surfaced, because you felt safe and warmly understood with your therapist. You are doing GREAT!! This does take years. And why are you in such a hurry??? I would want to stay with your T forever.
I know you work full time, but Oprah had a show on CSA this Tuesday (I think). Oprah talked about when she went to visit her father one summer, her uncle (abuser) was there. Oprah went about the weekend as if everything was alright, nothing was out of place, but inside she was raging. After she left and did some soul searching, she called her father and told him that under no circumstances could she ever visit him again if he was to invite his brother over. As a society, we help keep the perpetrater's secret. Nobody tells. Becuase, it is so darn HARD. You finally told someone. That is so wonderful, but such daunting work. You are so courageous.
I am so glad you went to your appointmentment, and that you are a part of Babble.
Annierose
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