Posted by 10derHeart on June 15, 2005, at 1:06:21
In reply to Sad and confused, posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43
(((((Daisy)))))
We posted within 20 minutes of each other, I noticed. Hmmm, great minds....or maybe - sad, confused, hurting insomniacs think alike..? ;-)
I have no great words of wisdom. Anything I say you've already thought of, no doubt. But I do want you to know I care - a lot. Your hurt flows through your posts - and if you understand my meaning - that's GOOD, 'cause then we can at least try to feel some of where you're at.
I just have a couple rambling ideas I'll try to spell out. First, after dealing with your father, I wouldn't be surpised at ANY combination of feelings you have right now. Even though you've thought about it, talked to your T. about it, and likely twisted it round and round in your mind - still - that was TOO intense an experience (you must have just had to tough your way through it) and now you just can't expect much of anything "usual" to go on emotionally. I'm sure you know this. But, do you really *know* that all sorts of intense, weird reactions are to be expected, or, are you maybe trying even now to be tough and rational and strong?
Seems like fear/avoidance of your T. could be as simple as BECAUSE he's the ultimate safe place, you know it's possible you could just go ahead and STOP fighting back the tears, let huge waves of rage and anger and _____ (fill in the blank) out - and that possibility is ALWAYS terrifying. The potential loss of control alone must bring back the old cycle of, "NOW am I too much for you?" with your T. Could that be part of it?
I don't think you're *done* at all, if I can be so bold. No way. Not now. Not for as long as it takes. So, I wish I could just gently reach around inside your head and heart and at least remove that fear. Because you have plenty of other fears and pressures in life without fearing losing your T. on top of it You won't.
You've been through an awfully rough time lately. You probably need your T. more than ever. So could you be testing him over and over, without meaning to? That would be understandable.
I'm probably stating the obvious, being vague and off base. It's 1 am again - can I use that as an excuse?
Keep posting, Daisy. Hashing this stuff out has helped you before, I think. And consider maybe NOT holding back those tears right now? I suspect after the family visit there might be some poison inside you needing to be released - and not alone, but with your T.
Hugs and peace and rest to you... - 10Der
poster:10derHeart
thread:512955
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/512976.html