Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 486415

Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Breakdown a breakthrough?

Posted by Excellent camper on April 19, 2005, at 11:34:43


Six and a half years after having a breakdown and having to be hospitalized for suicidal depression, I still can't seem to forgive myself for what I did to precipitate the episode -- quit my job, in the manner of a reckless, callow youth. (I was 27 at the time.) I did not appreciate what I had. Although I was depressed, it was a mild to moderate depression that was held in check by the structure of my work. Without that, my depression took over and took me to the lowest depths I had ever experienced. I am unquestionably haunted by what happened and what could have been. I feel shame when I think of the people who knew or were affected by my breakdown. Since that time, my employment has been spotty. I do not have a full-time job at present (not by choice). I am in therapy with a very insightful therapist who has helped me to grow, but I find that a few days after seeing her, my mind returns to this rut -- what could have been, what was, how broken I am, etc.

I'd really like to hear from someone who went through a full-scale breakdown of depression (not manic depression) and who feels they benefited in some way from the experience; from someone who moved on to experience a better and richer life. I'd like to know that it is possible to not spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm irrevocably cracked and damaged.

Will

 

Re: Breakdown a breakthrough?

Posted by LadyBug on April 19, 2005, at 12:44:17

In reply to Breakdown a breakthrough?, posted by Excellent camper on April 19, 2005, at 11:34:43

Will,
Your story is a bit familar to me. I had a major breakdown with major depression and major anxiety about 8 years ago. Suicide was a constant thought but never acted upon. I've never been the same. At this time I started taking meds and seeing a therapist which I still am seeing. I've grown in many ways. 8 years ago when this was going on I walked off my job I had worked at for 23 years. I took a leave of absence hoping to heal enough to return. My health failed me and even after a year I had to give my leave of absence up and quit my job. I started school but it landed me with a part time job. I love what I do but the money isn't very good. But the job has done wonders for "me".
I'm always telling myself I wish I could go back to the person I was before the depression. Before isn't an option for me. I have felt I was too broke to fix!! I felt this way for years.


I hope you can learn to forgive yourself and find good things about yourself. We all have good in us it's just hard to see it when the bad clouds our mind. I know, I've been there.


Hang in there

 

Re: Breakdown a breakthrough?

Posted by Tamar on April 19, 2005, at 14:45:57

In reply to Breakdown a breakthrough?, posted by Excellent camper on April 19, 2005, at 11:34:43

It’s hard when you feel so responsible for your illness. But you did what you did because you were unwell. There’s a terrible stigma attached to depression, as if we’re weak people who just need to pull up our socks and get on with life. I can only assume that people who think we’re weak have never had a real depressive episode, and have never felt it’s impossible to get up in the morning, impossible to leave the house, impossible to face other human beings. As if we would choose to be depressed! It’s a cliché, but it’s easier for us (and others) to accept that having a broken leg, or diabetes, isn’t our fault. But depression is an illness just like arthritis or diabetes or multiple sclerosis or anything else.

It *is* possible to move on, but it takes time. And there’s no cast iron guarantee that the depression won’t return. It’s a serious illness, and like any other serious illness it might require you to make some adjustments, some of which will be long term. I was seriously depressed for about two years, and I’m feeling much better now, but I know that the depression may come back. In the mean time I’m doing everything I can to stay well. And my life is much better and richer than it was: when I began to deal with my depression I had to address a number of very difficult problems, but although it was very hard it helped a lot. My career, my marriage and my general health are better than they’ve been for years (better even than before I became depressed). So there is hope! It’s hard work, but it’s worth doing.

I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Tamar


 

Re: Breakdown a breakthrough? » Excellent camper

Posted by Poet on April 19, 2005, at 20:49:04

In reply to Breakdown a breakthrough?, posted by Excellent camper on April 19, 2005, at 11:34:43

Hi Will,

I play that failure tape over and over in my head, too. A year ago I was in a major depression, with a plan and a date. I am not going to say that all is merry and bright, but finally getting a temp job helps and so does my therapist who refuses to give up on me. Even when I am ready to give up on myself and life itself.

I know that I may go into another major depression, even with meds and therapy, the reality of it happening is there. I can't change that, but I can try to remember that I got through it with help.

Your therapist seems to be on your side, babble posters are, too. Posting really helps me, I hope it helps you.

Poet

 

Re: Breakdown a breakthrough?

Posted by Excellent camper on April 20, 2005, at 9:06:29

In reply to Re: Breakdown a breakthrough? » Excellent camper, posted by Poet on April 19, 2005, at 20:49:04

Thanks Poet, LadyBug and Tamar for your posts. They are much appreciated. I made some great strides in my session yesterday. It really helped that I had an hour and a half. My therapist specializes in parts therapy. This link has a little explanation, www.infinityinst.com/articles/parts.html. My therapist doesn't use hypnosis as described there but rather has me breathe deeply and connect with God, the light, or whatever one considers to be the force in the universe. In this way, I get in touch with my higher self and become aware of the parts of me that are begging for attention or that are in pain. I have dialogued, for example, with the 14-year-old who heard his father speak of "selbst mordt" (German for suicide). Yesterday I apologized to some of the people whose lives I complicated ... then I apologized to myself for holding the belief that somehow I had to be perfect or be some kind of intense, heroic writer, rather than a human being with the same needs and feelings as most people. I wanted to say, "I forgive myself," and really feel it, but it didn't come out feeling convincing, so we will work with that next time.

My therapist also draws on cognitive approaches. That hasn't been as transformational for me in the past, but yesterday it was more persuasive. Since then, I've managed to look at least one thing in a different way. I've felt cracked, like an egg. But an egg has to be cracked for a new life to be born.

I guess the hard part for some of us is that we felt like helpless chicks when the break came, starving, alone, unable to fly. Hopefully we can all get the incubation period we need, through therapy, the love of family and friends, an uplift from medication, diet, or herbs, to heal and grow.

I know I am on my way. When I think the way I was doing, it is a choice. I am choosing to think of what I lost from the past because it is somehow preferable than thinking about how I might retrieve them in the future. But this style of obsessive thinking definitely produces dark thoughts. I also think my semi-joblessness leads me to make odious comparisons with that person from the past. I've decided that rather than keep running into the same walls trying to get back into journalism, and having to dig through my portfolio each time, which resurrects the past and its perceived former glory, I am just going to get a job that gets me out working with people. I'm thinking Whole Foods or Trader Joe's. Both are pretty upbeat places, and I'm fortunate that right now it's just my wife and I, and she has a good job and is supporting me in this process. She's bipolar and was hospitalized for the second time this winter, so we're on the same page when it comes to healing.

Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing.

 

Re: Breakdown a breakthrough?

Posted by Joslynn on April 20, 2005, at 16:45:48

In reply to Re: Breakdown a breakthrough?, posted by Excellent camper on April 20, 2005, at 9:06:29

Hi Will,

At first I read your post as "pants therapy" and I was like, hmmm, what could THAT be?

To answer your first question, I went thru a serious breakdown due to depression, which required time off from work but I did go back. I am so much better after the breakdown! Recovery didn't happen quickly, but as I tried to figure out what precipitated the depression (and took meds too) I made some changes, which led to other changes. Pre-Breakdown, I had a pretty empty spiritual life, got obsessed with the wrong people, dated the wrong people when I did actually date and had very few friends because many of them moved/got married etc.

Post-Breadown, I became a real Christian (not just my previous wishy washyness), found a good church, made a circle of new friends, stayed away from toxic people and am dating a really nice, stable, funny man who seems to adore me.

I still want to change my career, and I still don't get along with my father too well, but things are so much better after the breakdown!

All this came from a process of about 3 years. So maybe you just need to give it more time?


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