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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 69. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
... and drained. And I am not sleeping too well either. Just kind of living my life in a half-asleep state. Waiting...
Waiting...
For things to get better.
Decisions to be made.I scream and rail sometimes (inside, of course) but there really is nothing to be done. So I swing between sadness, and despair and rage; and between a sort of acceptance, and just putting it out of my mind completely.
I did the assessment.
She was great.
And I feel so frustrated and angry and sad that I can't work with her. I see something of what it could be like to work with someone good. Someone who understands what I am talking about, who understands more than I can even imagine, and where I don't have to try to backpeddle or qualify my statements in an attempt to avoid the inevitable 'psychotic' interpretation. I really don't feel anywhere near as good about my current situation as I did, and I was plenty upset about that before.Apparantly there is a 'do not get your hopes up' letter to me from management. Sent out before the assessment even. p-doc was going to email it to me but has decided to hand it to me in person on Tuesday. That means it can't be good.
The assessment was just another hurdle in my way to getting something appropriate. I didn't fall over it. They had hoped I might. That was the point. That was the purpose.
I am sorry.
I am feeling sorry for myself.
I wasn't going to say anything at all about it because I thought this feeling might wear off soonish. But no, it seems to have set in.Sorry my posts over here are so depressing much of the time. I'm sorry. Time to go and do something else for a while, I think...
Posted by pinkeye on February 24, 2005, at 21:56:12
In reply to I feel so very tired..., posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
I haven't looked at your posts before so I don't know the full story, but take care. It will get better.
Pinkeye.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:42:57
In reply to Re: I feel so very tired..., posted by pinkeye on February 24, 2005, at 21:56:12
I have to admit I am having trouble putting this all together. I don't know enough of what's going on either, Alexandra. If you want to elaborate feel free...
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 1:48:36
In reply to I feel so very tired..., posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
I have managed to wear out all the CBT psychologists in the public service :-(
So the odd p-doc takes pity on me and gives me 'brief supportive psychotherapy' with the aim of 'maintenance'.
It might be 'maintaining me' out of hospital. But I am not getting any better. I am not working on the issues that trouble me the most.
There isn't anyone in the public service who is 'suitable' to treat me.
They funded a private assessment. Now I have to wait to see what the public service managers decide will happen. Basically whether the public system will fund me to see someone in private practice or not.
It is unclear whether (1) there is anyone suitable in my region and (2) whether the public service will fund anything at all anyway.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:56:00
In reply to I feel so very tired..., posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
I'm really sorry. It sounds like hell. Pure absolute psychotic hell (that was a Joke, okay, a bad one but damn it I have had my times I feel qualified to make it). (((alexandra)))
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 1:58:11
In reply to Re: I feel so very tired... » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:56:00
(((alexandra)))
(((Susan)))
Shall we stand on the boulders and cling to each other for a while????
Susan.
My mirror
(sometimes, sometimes...)I think it is called projection, but I don't care.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 10:07:30
In reply to Re: I feel so very tired... » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 1:58:11
I agree, pinkeye. You shouldn't care, either. If the shoe fits, wear it. Good or bad, sometimes indifferent. It doesn't matter.
Posted by sunny10 on February 25, 2005, at 11:41:26
In reply to Re: sorry guys, posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 1:48:36
oh my gosh, you sound just like me! That's why I left therapy... I just don't get the whole "maintenance" thing, either...
It just doesn't feel enough for me that I can stop myself from killing myself! Isn't life supposed to be more than that?
I for one am so glad that at least you have the assessment situation to give you some hope. And if it doesn't work out, you, me and Susan47 will sit around on Babble hugging a lot...
At least I found Babble- people who actually care about other people... and understand.
I'm praying hard for you on the whole assessment thing...
-sunny10
Posted by pinkeye on February 25, 2005, at 13:20:03
In reply to Re: sorry guys, posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 1:48:36
Have you tried going to another specialist in the public practice - not CBT, but some other technique - like what they call psychodynamic or something like that?
Maybe if there is something really really bothering you too much at a very unconscious level, CBT may not be good enough. CBT seems to work more at a rational level and behavioural level - and it works for lot of us but if you have very deep emotional issues, which you are not even aware of, bringing them out might be possible with some ohter kind of therapy. Have you tried anything else other than CBT in public service?
It seems like common sense to me to atleast try out some other form of therapy if you are not very successful with CBT.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 14:21:39
In reply to Re: sorry guys (poss trigger), posted by sunny10 on February 25, 2005, at 11:41:26
This whole thing sucks. Pinkeye should be able to get the therapy she needs on the public purse. The public purse distribution ... what a pit. If Pinkeye could afford the therapy she needs she'd find someone who would be able, Willing, to work it through with her. Sooner, much sooner. What a disgusting situation.
Posted by pinkeye on February 25, 2005, at 14:46:23
In reply to Re: sorry guys (poss trigger), posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 14:21:39
> This whole thing sucks. Pinkeye should be able to get the therapy she needs on the public purse. The public purse distribution ... what a pit. If Pinkeye could afford the therapy she needs she'd find someone who would be able, Willing, to work it through with her. Sooner, much sooner. What a disgusting situation.
You mean alexandra or me?
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 15:01:18
In reply to Re: sorry guys (poss trigger) » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 25, 2005, at 14:46:23
Not paying attention too closely there, was I?
Posted by 10derHeart on February 25, 2005, at 15:14:07
In reply to I feel so very tired..., posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
Alex,
Actually, I don't think your posts are "depressing...much of the time." Not at all. I think they are honest. I also think that with the stress you are under, and the despair you must feel considering the lack of care you've been subjected to by the "system", well, I'd say your thoughtful, logical, caring, supportive posts on several boards are absolutely amazing. I've thought so for a long time.
And besides, many of us do a fine job somehow finding a way to be depressed, or *letting* (hah!) depression find us, or whatever the heck happens, without any special help from you or your posts, thank you very much!! ;-))))
But seriously,....you're bearing up well. You are very strong. We'll keep reading and caring no matter what happens next... - 10DerHeart
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 15:14:51
In reply to I feel so very tired..., posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
I'm sorry Alexandra.
But in a way isn't it good to see what good therapy can be? You might not get it right now, but maybe if you to study in the US it will be available to you.
I don't suppose you talked to her about your frustration? Can you write her and see if she has any suggestions?
Posted by 10derHeart on February 25, 2005, at 15:16:35
In reply to I feel so very tired..., posted by alexandra_k on February 24, 2005, at 21:34:10
...I surely know about drained. Wrung out, this week. And living half asleep.
Stupid, stubborn insomnia. <yawn>
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:36:14
In reply to Oh sorry. Yes, Alexandra. Oops. Blush. » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 15:01:18
Yeah. I think they should fund it.
But I guess there is only so much money to go around. Me, or someone who can show 'clinically significant' improvement in 6-24 weeks? Me, or someone who is functioning so poorly that they can't even hold down part time work?I don't know.
But I feel selfish about that right now.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:40:58
In reply to Re: sorry guys (poss trigger), posted by sunny10 on February 25, 2005, at 11:41:26
> oh my gosh, you sound just like me! That's why I left therapy...
((((Sunny))) Of course, I guess a lot of people struggle with this.
>I just don't get the whole "maintenance" thing, either...
I guess they don't have the time / energy to offer any more and they are afraid they will make me worse. So by default they pretty much keep it light.
> It just doesn't feel enough for me that I can stop myself from killing myself! Isn't life supposed to be more than that?
Yeah. Thats what I figure too.
> I for one am so glad that at least you have the assessment situation to give you some hope. And if it doesn't work out, you, me and Susan47 will sit around on Babble hugging a lot...Thankyou. Is there any hope for you?
> At least I found Babble- people who actually care about other people... and understand.Yeah. I don't know where I'd be without it; without you guys.
> I'm praying hard for you on the whole assessment thing...Thanks. Your support means a great deal for me.
I was thinking a bit this morning that there are people worse off. People with no hope. People who don't even have an internet connection. Dwelling on it too much is a bit too hard. But dwelling on it a little helps me feel a little bit better about my situation.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:41:26
In reply to Re: sorry guys (poss trigger), posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:40:58
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:53:20
In reply to Re: sorry guys » alexandra_k, posted by pinkeye on February 25, 2005, at 13:20:03
All the psychologists (who deliver therapy) are CBT oriented. p-docs have psychodynamic training but they aren't really supposed to give therapy, they are supposed to prescribe medication.
I agree with all you say. CBT is not for me. I have made it clear that I don't want to do that again and other people seem to agree that it is not suitable for me. But getting anything else out of the public service seems to be fairly much impossible.
I saw a p-doc for the 'brief supportive' thing fortnightly last year. This year my current p-doc made a big deal of assigning time to see me weekly. But it is still the 'brief supportive' stuff.
And I have decided that despite what he says to my face he does not want to treat me. He is showing me that (fairly much on a weekly basis) in a horribly passive agressive way - via his behaviour.
'forgetting' to turn his phone off.
'forgetting' to turn up.
'forgetting' to do anything he has told me he would do during the week.I pull him up pretty much every time now.
Say 'you don't have to apologise, I am just bringing it to your attention so you realise that that happened'.
He swings between 'I am sorry' and 'I cannot defent myself, it is inexcusable' and vehemently defending himself 'management constraints *whine*'. I know it is hard for him too. I'm not mad at him. But I do think he is fairly hopeless. He sees me because he is concerned what I will do if I am not working with anyone.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 16:00:48
In reply to Oh, and I forgot... » alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on February 25, 2005, at 15:16:35
Thanks. Really. Thank you.
I do worry sometimes about posting all this stuff, but yeah, it is always up to other people whether they choose to read it and whether they choose to respond to it. If everyone just ignored me I am sure I would stoppit ;-)
And it is good for me to get it out.
And when people reply it helps me feel cared about. Then things don't seem so bad or so hard.
And people say helpful stuff and supportive stuff and stuff that helps you know that other people understand.Now I am raving...
But thank you. Very much.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 16:08:14
In reply to Re: I feel so very tired... » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 15:14:51
> But in a way isn't it good to see what good therapy can be?
I don't know Dinah, I don't know. It is such a mixed blessing. This is what I found hard a while back. Reading other peoples posts on this board and realising that some other peoples experience of therapy and of therapists was so very different from mine. Hard. I had to stop reading here for a while. Sometimes I still have to avoid stuff.
>You might not get it right now, but maybe if you to study in the US it will be available to you.
Yeah. But I can't afford to have everything hang on that. I need to be okay if I don't get in. I have to be okay. I am thinking it is a bad sign that I haven't heard anything yet. They may have sent out the first round of offers already...
> I don't suppose you talked to her about your frustration?
I said that I just wanted to work with someone who wanted to work with me. She said that she was sure they could find some registrar who would be keen to work with me, but that wouldn't be good for either of us. That I needed someone with some experience. Someone who could commit to working with me for as long as I needed them.
I said that I wished I could work with her.>Can you write her and see if she has any suggestions?
No. I am not supposed to contact her. She was paid to conduct an assessment and write a treatment reccomendation to community mental health. That is all.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 16:10:28
In reply to Re: sorry guys (poss trigger), posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:40:58
And You mustn't dwell on anyone who might be worse off. The fact that you're even thinking about that shows what an effort you're making .. you could easily be worse off, by not being aware, by not wanting more for yourself. The fact that you DO want more is what makes your fight worthwhile, is why you SHOULD be getting the help you need.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 16:16:06
In reply to Re: sorry guys » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 15:53:20
I'm pretty much positive my ex-t was CBT oriented and had no clue *what* to do with me. He says lately that he was trying to build my trust. I don't know. He pulled out all the stops in the passive-aggressive behaviour department.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 16:19:43
In reply to Re: sorry guys, posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 16:16:06
> I'm pretty much positive my ex-t was CBT oriented and had no clue *what* to do with me. He says lately that he was trying to build my trust. I don't know. He pulled out all the stops in the passive-aggressive behaviour department.
Heh heh. Let me guess...
He was trying to build your trust by telling you all about your faulty thinking habits???I think I'd be fairly fustrated myself if I really believed CBT was all that and then had to treat people via that.
Yukko.(No offense to people who like it.)
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 16:20:10
In reply to Re: I feel so very tired... » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on February 25, 2005, at 16:08:14
I had to avoid stuff on this board as well, alexandra, for exactly the same reasons. It hurt to see the therapy experience others were having, the one I needed to have and wasn't getting, didn't know how to make that happen... I tried so very very hard to make it happen, geez I practically wiped the floor with myself.
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