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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on February 18, 2005, at 21:44:21
Feeling like a small child now..wish I had someone to comfort me. I miss the comfort of my ex therapist. Wish I could write to him, but can't - know he won't let me anymore. It is so hard to do the things we are supposed to do sometime in life. Why is it so hard to let go of someone?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 3:18:13
In reply to Feeling like a child, posted by pinkeye on February 18, 2005, at 21:44:21
I find it hardest to let go when that person played a role in my life and when they have gone there isn't anyone else to play that role anymore.
(((pinkeye)))
Do you have another t??
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:43:54
In reply to Re: Feeling like a child » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 3:18:13
Wow. That is so true.
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:56:54
In reply to Feeling like a child, posted by pinkeye on February 18, 2005, at 21:44:21
You're feeling a loss that's still quite new. Only three weeks? Go easy on yourself. Feeling lost and needy is normal.
While a new therapist can't replace an old one (because they're people in our lives, not washing machines), how are you doing with the new one?
Posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2005, at 14:14:09
In reply to Re: Feeling like a child » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:56:54
Thanks for your thoughts Dinah and Alexandra. I am doing great with the new T. Initially I didn't take to her that much, but slowly I have built a very good rapport with her and she is very good. That is defintely helping me in moving past. But the relationship I had is somehwat not substitutable with this new T.
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 14:31:31
In reply to Alexandra and Dinah, posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2005, at 14:14:09
Of course not!
Thinking that it can be is to take the humanity out of the relationship.
My therapist is "T", and no other therapist could be him. And I wouldn't have the same relationship with any other therapist. Would that they were readily interchangeable. Most of us wouldn't be here, would we? :)
Posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 15:20:26
In reply to Re: Alexandra and Dinah » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 14:31:31
Of course they aren't as interchangable as washing machines! I just meant that if there isn't anyone to replace the role they play in your life then that is when missing them hurts the most.
I still have one particular t that I miss most dreadfully sometimes.
But that is because I don't think any other has understood me or knew how to soothe me quite the way she did.
I know that having a new t won't make all that hurt go away. But it might lessen as you get more attached to her. You might start to think of her rather than your old t when you are distressed.
But there most probably always will be times when you miss him. But it doesn't have to be painful. It doesn't.
Posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2005, at 15:41:26
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 15:20:26
Thanks so much for the words. It is very nice to be comforted. I know I will always miss him - it is hard not to, given the nature of the therapy relationship, but it might become a more pleasant missing over time. I am hoping I can keep atleast some sort of communication with him.. maybe write and say hi once in a few months.. But I am not sure if he would like it. And I am not going to write if he doesn't want me to. It would be nice to know what he is as a person rather than a Dr.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 19:43:36
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2005, at 15:41:26
I only worked for 8 months with the t I missed the most. On our last day together (she was leaving the service) I asked if I could write to her. She seemed suprised but kind of pleased that I would ask (she had just finished her intern year). She was saying something about she couldn't quite remember her new home address... That gave me a bit of a shock. I said I would prefer to write to her at her new work address.
>It would be nice to know what he is as a person rather than a Dr.
I am not sure that that could / should really happen...
My t wrote back to me a couple of months later and said she needed to clarify about my writing to her. (Guess she got supervision on that one). She said it was okay for me to write and tell her how I was doing every now and then for perhaps a year because she understood that goodbyes were hard.
I don't think she was supposed to keep up contact with me.
I also had a p-doc that I liked a lot. He moved back to Canada. I wrote something for him and got my t to email it on to him (query about health insurance in Canada). He emailed a reply back to her and told her it was okay for her to print it out for me. His email address appeared on the top. I sent him an email maybe 4 months later. I said that if I didn't get a reply I would never email him again. I never got one.
I guess I was thinking that they are not supposed to keep up contact. But I don't know. Linehan said something about that being negotiable between the client and clinician so maybe it is okay.
Maybe they just didn't want to keep hearing from me. I dunno.
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 20:29:35
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2005, at 15:41:26
Hi Pinkeye, I hope you don't mind me posting on this.
Can I ask you a question about how you think your therapist views you? I'm interested because I'm really struggling with this right now too, I can't let go the way I'd like to. I suspect I'm using marihuana too, to help me cope with the feelings of failure I'm carrying around. I'm so depressed at times in spite of having everything to look forward to, and I can't seem to get on with my life, even to the point of being afraid to engage with my new T. I wish it would all just go away, but it won't.
So back to the original question, Pinkeye, that I asked, which is up there.
Posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 13:21:21
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines » pinkeye, posted by alexandra_k on February 19, 2005, at 19:43:36
Thanks Alexandra for your thoughts. I think my T might be ok with me writing once in a few months (mabye once in 3 - 4 months perhaps), for sometime. I don't know specifically though. Will have to write and see if he replies.
Posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 13:46:19
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 20:29:35
Hi Susan,
I certainly don't mind. I am glad to be of any help if I can be.I really don't have a clue as to what he thinks of me. I would like to know myself too :-).
I haven't seen him personally for over a year, so I have extra difficulty in understanding what he thinks.. if I had face to face interaction, there would have been lots of nonverbal cues I could have gone by, but I rely on emails so I have to go by the few words that he writes, which makes it extra hard.I know he thinks of me as quite accomplished, and smart and capable. He initially didn't like me - from what I understood he had told my husband but subsequently may have changed his opinion seeing the sincere efforts that I put in and perhaps the genuine interest that I showed in learning and changing and working with him. But these are judgements about my brain power. Not about me as a person. I really don't have much of a clue as to what he thinks of me as a person. I would like to believe he liked me a little bit atleast, but I don't know for sure. And I will perhaps never know. That is hard, but I don't know if I will ever receive an answer from him even if I asked again and again.
But irrespective of whether he liked me or not, he went out of the way to help me. So I owe him a lot in my life. And I promised him that I would live well and pass on what he gave me to others. I promised him that I would never ever get into self destructive thinking or mental quirks again in my lifetime. And that is a promise that I am planning to keep for my lifetime.
I guess the real crux of your question is, how to move on after this and make use of yourself in a non destructive way? The answer is, it is only a personal commitment you make to yourself. It is a choice we all make in our life - consciously or subconsciously - either to live well or to engage in self destructive behaviour. To look at the glass half full and be happy or to look at the glass half empty and be sad. Agreed, that lot of external circumstances play a role in how we feel and how we end up. But irrespective of that, the basic desire to live well, and to grab on to whatever happiness and joy we can find in our life, has to come from within you. And trust in God helps a long way in keeping that basic optimism in life. And I have always believed that I can create a paradise inside me, even if the world is very wild - to have that inner sense of peace and undisturbed attitute like a child. But that was soemthing I never knew how to. Slowly I am learning how to.
Have I answered your question?
Pinkeye.
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 15:09:19
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 13:46:19
Yes, I believe you and I have had similar emotional experiences with our last T's.
Interesting, isn't it. Sometimes when you post it sounds to me like you know everything with your head, but your core being still hasn't totally absorbed the knowledge.
Pinkeye, I feel like my core is finally getting it. The last few days anyway. I don't believe in any God, but there's no word that seems more adequate than "Pray" to me, right now, in wishing for this feeling to continue forever; the feeling that I can continue to do well, to be everything to myself that I need.
Wishing us both everything good, Pinkeye....
Posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 15:49:36
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 15:09:19
ISn't it amazing to you how we both understand each other so perfectly well? I am quite surprised at how capable you are at putting into words exactly what I am.
What you have said about knowing everything in my head but the core being hasn't absorbed it fully is perfect. I have always believed that myself too. And I am trying to make my core absorb it from my head :-). That is the last link that is still missing in the picture, and I have been really trying to figure out how to get that link set right. Once I figure that out, I will be able to make that final leap. But that link is so hard to set right.But hang in there yourself.. Preserve what you have got in the past few days yourself and remember these moments in the days when you feel completely out of yourself. But, while you work on yourself being free and one with yourself, and happy, in the meantime, try to live well with what you have got. Stop being destructive now. If you can stop using all this drugs. Work on that. Don't wait to get everything compeltely correct before you start making progress in your life. There might never be a full Susan - if you can udnerstand what I mean. But you can make the best out of whatever % of Susan you got at any point in life.
That attitude saved me. While I always struggled, failed, got depressed, angry, I tried to not compromise (atleast to a good extent) on living well. I ended up doing well in career, to a good extent in other areas.. I never got into too much of self destruction - I always stopped one step short of it. I always had a commitment to help myself - and that saved me. If you can make that commitment to yourself, it will save you too.
Posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 15:50:18
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 15:49:36
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 16:41:38
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 15:49:36
You know, when I think about my process of becoming, I realize that my head knew all this stuff for a few years already. The last year, when I had so much trouble with my therapist and that relationship, trouble which I helped to cause, everything sped up for me. It was like I hurtled myself headlong into catastrophe (mentally, a mental catastrophe) for a reason. A stone rolled away from somewhere, and exposed some knowledge to a heart ready to receive.
Or something like that, anyway. In any case I had to emotionally experience what my intellect already knew, for it to take hold in any way at all. It's got a toehold in there now, I think, it's been a few days .. but I'm still chemically dependent, and that's a worry.
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 16:45:18
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines, posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 15:49:36
Yes, I understand what you're saying. And I thank my lucky stars for people like you who post back to me, sharing yourself, letting me know I'm not alone in my struggles. And that you allow me to share myself, too.
Posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 17:06:32
In reply to Re: therapists and washing machines » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 16:41:38
I understand what you are saying. And I believe that sometimes we set ourselves up exactly for things we go through in life. Kind of create real world scenarios to help us understand the inner dramas that we have in our subconscious. IT is one of the common psychological explanation anyway that therapists seem to use a lot - that we put ourselves in situation where we keep recreating real world scenarios of stuff we believe about ourselves - they claim that the subconscious is so very powerful and that it lets you create your own life as a mirror of your basic beliefs in life.
That is why it is important to get the most important thing about yourself set right - your mind. Otherwise, irrespective of what you do, you will always end up in failure if you basically believe yourself to be unworthy.
Regarding the chemical dependancy, it is worriesome. How long have you been dependant?
I don't know if you can get out of it just with this babble support that you get. Why don't you go to a new thearpist and help yourself? You probably need professional assistance to get out of it. When you go to a therapist, work with her/him and try to let them help you. Try your best to make the experience pleasant for them and they will be able to help you. Work with them, and show your willingness to change. They are also human, so they will be happy only if you show interest and motivation and gratitude and know you are sincere and genuine in helping yourself. And even if they make a mistake, don't hold it against them. Try to be gentle with yourself and with the therapist. IT will help you a great deal.
Posted by pinkeye on February 21, 2005, at 17:14:41
In reply to The Commitment » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 16:45:18
> Yes, I understand what you're saying. And I thank my lucky stars for people like you who post back to me, sharing yourself, letting me know I'm not alone in my struggles. And that you allow me to share myself, too.
You are definitely not alone. And I am glad I can be of some help to you. I would be happy if you can get yourself out of your drug dependancy though. Sometimes it is hard to get enough motivation in life to do things for ourselves. At those times, it is helpful to do it for someone else whom you repsect. For me, doing things the right way because I wanted to not let my therapist down was a powerful motivator. Before that I had my father. The next step is to hold myself in that position.IF you believe you are still not at a place where you can get motivated enough to do things for yourself, why don't you find someone who you respect a lot and care about and tell them about what you are working through, and have them hold the standards for you while you get out of your dependancy? You can use that as a crutch for sometime while you work on this and then slowly let go of it.
This is the end of the thread.
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