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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 1:00:04
I'm needing to tell the stories again and to talk about the intrusive memories -- over and over and over again in therapy. I've told the stories before, at least most of them, but the difference is in the intensity of the details. I keep writing about the colors in the rooms, or the sounds outside, or the smells - especially the smells. I told my therapist today that it felt like I was oozing the memories out of my pores, instead of my brain. I wrote a whole long thing about "the smell of unwanted sex."
He said he thought the body held memories in a completely different way than the brain does and we need to respect what my body is telling us. I kept apologizing for needing to go through it again. He said it was really OK, he could feel the difference, like we were down yet another layer into it. He said he is absolutely certain that this is what we need to be doing, going over and over and over it again and again and again. I said I got stuck after I wrote it down...what do I do with it all? His response was that I bring it to him and we talk about it, as much or as little as I wanted to.
So I'm writing about things in a new way - using the 5 senses to capture the details, not editing what comes up. It is kind of scary, because I can *feel* it, smell it, hear it...and the fear is very, very present. He said to go slow, he doesn't want me to get in too deep, especially at night without him there but it is an amazing exercise.
Does anyone else do this? Remember with your senses? I feel sort of nuts...
Posted by messadivoce on February 17, 2005, at 1:36:42
In reply to Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 1:00:04
Daisy, you're not nuts. I'm sure you've heard, "The body remembers what the mind forgets." When I was 16 (I'm 22 now) my dad and I were having an argument. He grabbed my arm, maybe in an effort to calm me. But I remember feeling such a rage, such a fear and anger, and I shook him off me and screamed at him like a crazy woman to keep his hands off me. I think you get the idea.
There are a million more cues my body has given me, mostly in the context of a situation having to do with men. I think this proves how complex memory really is.
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 10:33:32
In reply to Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 1:00:04
This exercise is very important, Daisy, and as your therapist expressed, you should go carefully. (I think that's what he was saying). Make sure you feel safe when you do it and don't go too far without him or unless you keep feeling safe. The senses remember things for us. Going into your sense of smell, you're recognizing how strong the memories are, you're associating words with the memories now. And colours, yes. Sometimes I remember the way something looked, a pattern on the wall.. I was so good at memorizing patterns, and seeing faces. I used to see faces in everything, I comforted myself with them. I didn't have csa but my parents were very difficult and I was traumatized in a different way. Lately, I've been "seeing" things I haven't seen for forty years, so what you're saying makes a lot of sense. Take care, Daisy. You have a good therapist, I think. (((Daisym)))
Posted by Speaker on February 17, 2005, at 13:41:54
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger » daisym, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 10:33:32
Daisy,
The senses remember the good and the bad. For me I know if I smell certain colones I think fondly of my husband and it has been 12 yrs since his death. If I smell chocolate cake baking I think of my grandmothers kitchen. In the same way if I smell certain garage smells I think of csa...this happens with touch and sight for me as well. If it is nuts you are not the only one in the bowl :).
Take care,
Marie
Posted by Aphrodite on February 17, 2005, at 15:07:34
In reply to Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 1:00:04
I haven't done this -- it sounds very intense. I still keep that objective wall up around my memories. I can see the value in getting it out this way. I just read an article called "The Future of Trauma Work" and it talks about body therapies being just as important as talk therapy since memories don't reside only in the brain. The articles suggests massages and yoga and so forth as another means of release.
Be careful about those nights. Those kickbacks after sessions like that can be brutal . . . just brutal.
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 10:02:51
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by Speaker on February 17, 2005, at 13:41:54
Yes, it is nuts and we're all in the bowl, and we're lucky to be there. We're blessed. Well put, Marie.
Posted by antigua on February 18, 2005, at 23:15:09
In reply to Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by daisym on February 17, 2005, at 1:00:04
I've noticed a couple of things like this. Smell has always been part of my memories, but I just noticed this past week that the feelings or memories are moving from black and white to color, which makes them more 3D to me. I've heard the sounds of the abuse too, so I don't think you're alone Daisy. My T says it's just getting closer to the feelings, which is a big problem for me.
antigua
Posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:18:54
In reply to Re: **Trigger** » daisym, posted by messadivoce on February 17, 2005, at 1:36:42
When you have these types of memories, doesn't it floor you when you read stuff about how "impossible" it is to have forgotten some of this stuff? I guess if you haven't lived through it...
I'm so easily triggered right now I can hardly stand me. I feel like my resilency has gone completely away. I can't imagine what I would do if someone actually grabbed me!
Posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:20:50
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger » daisym, posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 10:33:32
Thanks Susan. I'm being careful. And I just got a prescription for Ativan so if it gets overwhelming, I have another tool in my belt.
I'm sorry you are getting the pictures again. It is surprising how persistant some stuff can be. I'm glad you have a new therapist to work some of it through with.
Posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:29:04
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by Speaker on February 17, 2005, at 13:41:54
I have good memories from smells too...coffee is one of my favorites. My therapist is encouraging me to try to hang on to good memories too...we talk about smells that meant good things, like my Nana's apple fritters and baby powder from my own kids.
If we are all in this bowl, can I please be a cashew? They have such nice curves. :)
Posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:39:56
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigge » daisym, posted by Aphrodite on February 17, 2005, at 15:07:34
I am being careful, at least as careful as I can.
We talked about massage a little, he is apprehensive. I hate to be touched, even by people I know and trust. Shaking hands is OK, no hugging. So I'm not sure I can handle a massage. I have a hard time in Church, so I don't know how I'd do in a yoga class. I've thought about it. But my emotions are pretty close to the surface right now, and I'd be mortified if they spilled over.
Kick-back is a great way to describe the aftermath. It is amazing how it gets you, isn't it?
Posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:45:45
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger, posted by antigua on February 18, 2005, at 23:15:09
Getting close to those feelings *is* scary. Just when I think I've accessed "those" feelings, something else comes up. But I think you are moving towards them. Just take it at your own pace. The sounds are a little freaky, aren't they?
Take care of yourself as you get closer to this.
Daisy
Posted by Speaker on February 19, 2005, at 21:06:06
In reply to Re: Using all 5 senses to remember - slight trigger » Speaker, posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:29:04
Posted by gardenergirl on February 20, 2005, at 6:25:56
In reply to Re: **Trigger** » messadivoce, posted by daisym on February 19, 2005, at 20:18:54
Don't you wish we could all have invisible force fields around us when we don't want to be touched? Or a giant bubble?
Take care Daisy. I'm sorry it's so intense right now.
gg
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