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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 0:57:24
I've been working on one. This is #5 (although she never received #4). I think it's therapeutic for me, just listening to the music (it's really good music!). But I want to give it to her also. Why? Because it will make her love me? Maybe. I dunno.I'm also working on letters. I keep starting them and then starting over. It's so depressing.
I googled her today and she has a new website. That totally freaked me out. I can't believe how much I'm grieving for her and how hard this is. And how unsure I am that I did the right thing.
Posted by fallsfall on December 20, 2004, at 8:33:54
In reply to Can I give her another CD?, posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 0:57:24
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 8:58:43
In reply to Can I give her another CD?, posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 0:57:24
that made me laugh. but why not?????
Posted by Joslynn on December 20, 2004, at 9:40:33
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD? » crushedout, posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 8:58:43
...well, I'm not fallsfall, but my answer would be that giving her the CD would continue the fantasy relationship.
I say this gently because I too have had real problems with fantasy relationships (you can have a fantasy relationship with someone you know in reality) and love addiction, I even went to a couple SLAA meetings and read a lot of books about love addiction. I am not saying that is your problem, but the idea is that you have to treat the dependency like an addiction, using the 12-step model.
Sending a CD would be like having another drink or another hit of a drug, does that make sense?
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 13:02:46
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD?, posted by Joslynn on December 20, 2004, at 9:40:33
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 13:04:46
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD?, posted by Joslynn on December 20, 2004, at 9:40:33
Yeah, that does make sense. Thank you because I really need to understand why it's a bad idea. I think we could go deeper into it, like what will the likely repercussions be? But this is a good start.
Posted by Tabitha on December 20, 2004, at 13:31:05
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD? » Joslynn, posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 13:04:46
Just think it through.. how will you feel after you give her the CD? What might her likely reaction be? How will you feel about her response or lack of response? Will it be satisfying? What will happen next? Then how will you feel? Etc etc. Be as honest as you can about how it will play out. Then re-evaluate what to do.
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 13:37:45
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD? » crushedout, posted by Tabitha on December 20, 2004, at 13:31:05
Posted by fallsfall on December 20, 2004, at 15:32:31
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD? » crushedout, posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 8:58:43
I'm glad it made you laugh. As I was out and about doing Xmas shopping etc. I thought that may be my response was a bit terse......... And I was worried that I might upset you.
I think Joslynn put it nicely. You need to close down this relationship (as painful as that is). Giving her a CD would send her a message (what message would it send??), and then she would respond, and you would have to respond to her response, etc.
You can't make a rational decision about the true state of your relationship with her while you are ... [what word to put here??] ... Still in the middle of the relationship (?). You need some distance to see the relationship more realistically.
I used to drive past my old therapist's office (it WAS a legitimate way to get to where I was going frequently...) and look to see if her lights were on. I guess I tried to accept that I missed her and that I needed her, but that I had to stay away. It still affects me to see her (1 1/2 years later), and we've only said 2 sentances to each other since I left.
My *need* for her came in waves, I had to hold my breath until the wave passed. Talk to your new therapist about missing your old one (you are still seeing the new one, right? Have you decided what to do for the long term?). Post about how much you miss her, but try really hard not to contact her.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry that I can't say what you do want to hear. But (as my therapist said today), I'm honest to a fault...
(((Crushed)))
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 21:55:44
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD? » crushedout, posted by Tabitha on December 20, 2004, at 13:31:05
Tabitha,I love your post. I love the questions. I have no idea what I think about them, but I agree that they're exactly the right questions to ask myself.
I'm going to try to write about it on this thread, and sort this out.
crushedout
Posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 21:59:14
In reply to Re: Can I give her another CD? » Tabitha, posted by crushedout on December 20, 2004, at 21:55:44
...I shouldn't send her the letter either?I feel like if I don't, I'll never have closure. As long as I don't send the letter, and I know she's waiting for it, I know I can open it back up. But the truth is, I suppose, that even after I send whatever letter, I would wait for a response, and always be able to send another or an email or go see her, or whatever, so that'll always be there.
Thinking out loud, and looking for others' thoughts as well, if you have any.
This is the end of the thread.
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