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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by LG04 on November 27, 2004, at 11:14:53
Has anyone ever had an intense transference relationship with someone (therapist, or someone else) and eventually it ended? (not the relationship but the transference).
If so, I'd be interested to hear about it. And if so, was it something that just sort of eventually happened naturally or did you do something(s) specific to work it thru?
LG04
Posted by cubic_me on November 27, 2004, at 11:55:09
In reply to moving beyond transference, posted by LG04 on November 27, 2004, at 11:14:53
I had a pretty intense transference with my T, which followed what I know know as transference that happened for several years with a few different people (all women).
Whilst on 2 of these occasions I moved away from the area (which was very painful at the time, but stopped the transference), twice the feelings associated with transfernce have subsided of thier own accord. This was most apparent with my T, where after a year or so I began to internalise her, rather than having to have her there. Ofcourse I still loved to see her, I respected her, and it was sad when I had to leave, but nothing like the pain of her vacations when I was in the transference stage.
I didn't tell her about this, but she may have known - so there is hope for us all.
Posted by Rigby on November 27, 2004, at 11:56:25
In reply to moving beyond transference, posted by LG04 on November 27, 2004, at 11:14:53
Hi LG04,
I was in pretty heavy transference with my therapist and, after somewhere around a year and a half or so it went away. It was very uncomfortable being in that state of transference. I suppose it's different for different people but for me it felt like being in love but with there being no place for its expression--very, very frustrating. And I suppose it also had its angry sides. And let's throw in a dash of obsession to the mix too.
It built until the point where I was having very, very intense dreams that I wrote down and sent to my therapist. After a series of these and her analysis of them in her office something just "clicked" and it felt like the transference lifted. I think a few things became clear--not intellectually but emotionally. It was a huge breakthrough for me.
I did not directly talk to my therapist much about the feelings--it was too uncomfortable. I found it easier to send her the dreams. We did speak a few times directly about it and she said my feelings were about transference since I didn't know her. She didn't make a huge fuss of it one way or another. And she was right--looking back (without those feelings now) I can see that what I was feeling was about my stuff. She I think has had feelings for me but I see that as *her* (counter)transference.
I guess in one form or another I'd say the best way to get out of the state is to communicate with the person about it. I was too shy so I did it through reporting my dreams in writing. I also had an enormously difficult, first love kind of thing that haunted me for decades. I finally went back and forth with this person (in email) and I love her dearly now--hugely--but not in that "tranference" way. It came from just talking it through with the person. Luckily she was wonderful and did this with/for me.
Hope this helps!!!
> Has anyone ever had an intense transference relationship with someone (therapist, or someone else) and eventually it ended? (not the relationship but the transference).
>
> If so, I'd be interested to hear about it. And if so, was it something that just sort of eventually happened naturally or did you do something(s) specific to work it thru?
>
> LG04
Posted by Shortelise on November 27, 2004, at 13:54:09
In reply to moving beyond transference, posted by LG04 on November 27, 2004, at 11:14:53
I am in my seventh year of therpay with a fine psychiatrist.
Six months ago, I went from seeing him once a week, to once every two weeks.I am feeling less intensely about him now. I do not think about him all the time anymore. When I think aboutnot seeing him at all, I no longer feel like bursting into tears - uncontrolled; now I just feel like weeping quietly.
So I guess I am moving beyond transference. I still have a mental image of myself sitting beside him, I, a child, am leaning against him, protected, safe and warm. He has been my mother. That image may always stay with me. It's ok.
There may again be times when I feel deeply the attachment I have to him, when not seeing him hurts. It is so important to be heard, to be seen, to be cared about in the way he has done those things for me. I needed that more before than I do now. I'm ok now.
Does that help? Is there anything else I can tell you about it?
ShortE
Posted by lifeworthliving on November 27, 2004, at 15:08:39
In reply to Re: moving beyond transference » LG04, posted by Shortelise on November 27, 2004, at 13:54:09
are attachment and transference kind of the same thing? my thinking all of the time about my therapist is about attachment or transference. i guess i don't always get the why. i'm fortunate to have have some good friends that i love dearly, etc. but this thing with my therapist is ridiculous. after more than two years it isn't quite as intense... does this mean it will on,y continue to improve (be less intense). also, is it a sign of progress to not be so obsesed in thought? i have avery rational side that knows i won't do anythign silly and that i'm embarrassed to feel so strongly, but i feel nontheless.
Posted by messadivoce on November 27, 2004, at 16:35:37
In reply to Re: moving beyond transference, posted by lifeworthliving on November 27, 2004, at 15:08:39
I've done A LOT of research on transference when it came up in my therapy and my T wasn't providing info as fast as I wanted. Transference is when you project expectations onto your T as if they're someone else. For example, I have issues with my dad and so I expected my T to be cold, judgemental and insensitive like my dad. I threw up tons of defense mechanisms which weren't neccessary b/c my T was nothing like my dad. I discovered I expect a lot of men to be like my dad when that simply isn't the case. Transference occurs outside the therapy room very often!
Attachment is just that--I'm sure that feelings of transference and expectations that are blown out of proportion don't help. I did manage to work through a lot of my transference with my T after he proved himself time and again to be different from my dad...someone I could trust. But I became incredibly attached to the person he was--I love him very much. The attachment, and not the transference, is what is now causing the pain.
But the question begs itself, why am I so attached? My T was in some ways the father I never had. I don't think that falls neatly under the title "transference", but my feelings are much stronger for him than any other substitute father figure (grandpa, uncle, mentor, advisor, physican). Anyone have thoughts?
Posted by Toph on November 27, 2004, at 18:36:33
In reply to Re: lifeworthliving (long), posted by messadivoce on November 27, 2004, at 16:35:37
LWL, I had a psychiatrist who I saw for about 10 years. He was older than I and became a sort of father figure to me. He accepted me and my illness in ways my own father never could. When he retired I felt abandoned, afraid and angry. It took me some time to realise that the intensity of these feelings of loss, though I liked and depended on this man profoundly, were more an indication of the love for others, including my father, that I reposited in him than for any actual love I had for him.
Posted by peacefeline on November 27, 2004, at 21:24:42
In reply to Re: lifeworthliving, posted by Toph on November 27, 2004, at 18:36:33
Just a wild guess, I don't really know the answer to your question, but doesn't it seem natural to become strongly attached to someone who's done so much for you, been protective and supportive, taught you so much, and especially, been good to you in ways that so many others were not? Isn't that a *good* thing, that you had the capacity to become attached to him? (In other words--if you lacked that capacity, wouldn't that be a red flag that your wounds were too deep to allow attachment?)
Posted by peacefeline on November 27, 2004, at 21:27:03
In reply to Re: lifeworthliving, posted by peacefeline on November 27, 2004, at 21:24:42
Posted by LG04 on November 28, 2004, at 4:24:29
In reply to Re:sorry, last messg was reply to messadivoce (nm), posted by peacefeline on November 27, 2004, at 21:27:03
thanks for all the responses. i am going to re-read them and think about what everyone said. i am in a situation where i had to leave my therapist prematurely b/c i moved back to america. the transference is starting to fade (we still talk on the phone twice a week) but it's painful. i think because of the premature termination. if i was still seeing her, there would be no need for the transference to fade, we'd still be working intensely with it. so in some ways, i still NEED the transference in order to keep working thru certain issues. but i can't do it with her b/c it's too hard to do long distance. our goal now is to continue to lessen my transference/dependency on her. it's working, but it's just very very sad for me.
at the same time, i hate transference relationships (I've had many of them outside of therapy) and in some ways, would be glad if this were the last one (at least regarding intensity). i think that if i can grieve what i never had, and what i always wish for in these relationships -- mommy stuff -- then i won't have such a need for transference relationships anymore.
i could also choose to keep her in a specific place in my mind...in the comforting, mommy place...but then i'd have to leave the relationship as it is and i don't want to do that. i want to stay connected to her in real life, and she is open to that. especially as i will be visiting the country i left for at least one-two months each summer.
so in some ways i am giving up the permanent comfort she could give me if i just "froze" her in the place she is in. i am giving that up for the more real relationship with its flaws and inconsistencies and all that.
am i nuts?
Posted by peacefeline on November 28, 2004, at 14:57:49
In reply to Re:moving beyond transference, posted by LG04 on November 28, 2004, at 4:24:29
No, you're not nuts at all!!!
I hope it works out well for you, and I'm guessing it really could, because of the long distance between you. It would help in the transition from T/client to friend/friend.
I'd love to know what happens with that.
Hugs, Susan
Posted by LG04 on December 1, 2004, at 10:27:50
In reply to Re:moving beyond transference, posted by peacefeline on November 28, 2004, at 14:57:49
Thanks for the encouraging words peacefeline! I will let you know but it's not going to happen for some time...we're going to take everything very slow.
This is the end of the thread.
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