![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 26, 2004, at 14:36:28
Hi everyone,
I apologize for posting something so self-serving, and I *hate* that I feel this way, but.....my T just called to reschedule our Monday appointment due to problems with her mother (she's in a nursing home, and has been ill periodically). We rescheduled for next Thursday, which is "only" a week away, but...I was just barely holding it together as it was, trying to convince myself that Monday isn't that far off, and now this. I feel horribly guilty, because I know my T's Mom needs more of her attention right now, and I'm sure my T doesn't want to have these personal issues to deal with, but......why is it so hard in-between sessions now? I've been seeing my T every week for over a year, we're close (which seems to increase with every session), but why am I more emotional and feel more needy in-between sessions now? Shouldn't that have happened in the beginning?
And please dont mention the T word ("transference"); I don't think I have that with my T, and I question how often it actually occurs vs how often a client is said to be going through it. I don't think my T is really "into" that whole school of thought, anyway, and she has repeatedly said that our connection, etc is very real and genuine (and I need to believe that).
I hate this. And I can't really tell her how I feel (she knows, we mentioned it a bit last session, but I don't think she understands), and I feel I really need to try to stay away from her (not email, or call) now because I know she has a lot going on with her Mom; besides, what can she really do or say to make it easier? Nothing, I guess.
This stinks. :(
Sorry.
-SV
Posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2004, at 14:42:29
In reply to T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by shrinking violet on August 26, 2004, at 14:36:28
Violet, You said you're getting closer to your T with every session now, and but you're more needy in between. The two kind of go together maybe.
Posted by rubenstein on August 26, 2004, at 15:21:31
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2004, at 14:42:29
I am so sorry about the wait. I know how you feel, that is totally the worst feeling int he world when your therapist reschedules. I am barely holding it together as well...T vacation...but only 5 more days...
Posted by Racer on August 26, 2004, at 18:24:43
In reply to T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by shrinking violet on August 26, 2004, at 14:36:28
(Disclaimer: I haven't slept in two days, so this ain't me at my best -- and it might be me in my Brutally Honest mode. If it's all hogwash, I apologize in advance.)
I think it's so hard now between sessions for a very good reason. I think you've probably gotten to a place where you're doing something that's so important to some part of your conscious/unconscious/subconscious that it seems really urgent to get *somewhere* -- right now. In this case, since we're talking therapy, I'd bet it's to an emotional place that's so scary there's that conflict telling you not to go at the same time this other part is saying "c'mon! I see the light at the end of this tunnel! It looks *beautiful*!"
Ergo, while this delay is external, and the conflict over the approach/avoidance thing is *internal* they're both being processed by some other part that's so separate from the conflict it's just processing them as if they're the same.
End note: This makes sense to me *now* -- who knows if it will after sleep? If it's totally incoherent, please forgive me. If anyone can understand it and translate it into anything like communication -- please do. I don't think it would hurt my feelings to see it done.
And don't feel bad about missing your T. It's an important relationship in a lot of ways that might be part of transference, but are really so much more basic and mammalian and somehow more intrinsically and emotionally *real* than can fit comfortably into one word. That thought helps me with this sort of thing, I hope it helps you, too.
Posted by DaisyM on August 26, 2004, at 18:27:51
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by rubenstein on August 26, 2004, at 15:21:31
You got double-whammied...you were "waiting" for your turn and not only do you have to wait longer, but you now know that your Therapist has something really important to focus on, and it isn't you. Ouch. That can really hurt. It is totally OK to feel this way, don't beat yourself up for it. But at least you know that she didn't cancel you to get her nails done...and that should help some.
Nobody wants to be reminded that their therapist have lives and are only human. God forbid that they get sick! But they are. Hang in there. Try all of the basic distraction techniques, and count the days the way Dinah does...it will make the time go faster.
And keep posting. You'll get lots of sympathy here about missing my Therapist.
Posted by DaisyM on August 26, 2004, at 18:30:07
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by rubenstein on August 26, 2004, at 15:21:31
As I pushed the send button the last line caught my eye, but it was too late...
"missing MY therapist" -- it should have said "missing YOUR therapist"
I guess I'm not over him taking vacation yet, am I?
Posted by tryingtobewise on August 26, 2004, at 21:20:57
In reply to Gasp! Freudian slip above, posted by DaisyM on August 26, 2004, at 18:30:07
Hi SV,
Hang in there. I've had my T reschedule once and I hated it. I tend to count down the days in between sessions, so when it gets pushed out it makes it a really long time.
Good luck!
Posted by tryingtobewise on August 26, 2004, at 21:21:34
In reply to Re: Gasp! Freudian slip above, posted by tryingtobewise on August 26, 2004, at 21:20:57
I'm still getting the hang of this.
:)
Posted by crazymaisie on August 26, 2004, at 23:00:58
In reply to T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by shrinking violet on August 26, 2004, at 14:36:28
hi SV
oh my heart goes out to you. you know what, though, i bet she does know how you feel and i bet she wouldn't have rescheduled unless she really had to. i can understand how you feel, sometimes a week is just that bit too long anyway without adding any delay. i think you should tell her how you feel. i find it's always better. she knows you care about her and that you'll be worried about her, but that you'll also feel a little abandoned by something sudden and unexpected and beyond your (or her) control.
stay strong
cm
Posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:30:01
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2004, at 14:42:29
>> Violet, You said you're getting closer to your T with every session now, and but you're more needy in between. The two kind of go together maybe.
Hm, possibly. In a way it doesn't make sense: why would I want more of her since I am getting more of her now (i.e. she's sharing more of herself, etc)? But you're right, it's a possibility. I also think, that since she's pretty much been the one person in my whole life (including family, parents) who has acknowledged me, understood me, took the time to talk to me and find out who I am, and who I feel genuinely cares, maybe the part of me that was "starved" for so long is now being "fed" by her (interestingly, I also have anorexia, so part of that might be my emotional starvation manifested), so now that it's being "filled" or "fed," it wants more to make up for what it didn't get. Does that make sense? I don't know, it's just a theory; I might run it by her next time.Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. :)
-SV
Posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:32:54
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by rubenstein on August 26, 2004, at 15:21:31
>> I am so sorry about the wait. I know how you feel, that is totally the worst feeling int he world when your therapist reschedules. I am barely holding it together as well...T vacation...but only 5 more days...
Thank you for your thoughts. I'm trying to plan things to do for the next five (!) days so they might go by faster. It's just hard right now because classes don't start for another couple of weeks almost, and the job/apartment hunting isn't going well so far. Thanks again. Good luck to you too.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:36:11
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine* » shrinking violet, posted by Racer on August 26, 2004, at 18:24:43
Wow, interesting insight (and I understood what you meant, I think). I think it might be partly correct: my insides lately feel like a whirlpool, and I'm ironically more hopeless and desparing than I was a year ago when I started therapy, but maybe it's that whole "it has to get worse before it gets better" kind of thing. I do have internal wars going on (i.e.: trying to get better vs staying sick, living vs dying, etc), which doesn't help. Thanks again for your thoughts; I'm going to share them with my T next time, too, I think. :o)
-SV
>> I think it's so hard now between sessions for a very good reason. I think you've probably gotten to a place where you're doing something that's so important to some part of your conscious/unconscious/subconscious that it seems really urgent to get *somewhere* -- right now. In this case, since we're talking therapy, I'd bet it's to an emotional place that's so scary there's that conflict telling you not to go at the same time this other part is saying "c'mon! I see the light at the end of this tunnel! It looks *beautiful*!"
>
> Ergo, while this delay is external, and the conflict over the approach/avoidance thing is *internal* they're both being processed by some other part that's so separate from the conflict it's just processing them as if they're the same.
>
> End note: This makes sense to me *now* -- who knows if it will after sleep? If it's totally incoherent, please forgive me. If anyone can understand it and translate it into anything like communication -- please do. I don't think it would hurt my feelings to see it done.
>
> And don't feel bad about missing your T. It's an important relationship in a lot of ways that might be part of transference, but are really so much more basic and mammalian and somehow more intrinsically and emotionally *real* than can fit comfortably into one word. That thought helps me with this sort of thing, I hope it helps you, too.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:40:53
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by DaisyM on August 26, 2004, at 18:27:51
> You got double-whammied...you were "waiting" for your turn and not only do you have to wait longer, but you now know that your Therapist has something really important to focus on, and it isn't you. Ouch. That can really hurt. It is totally OK to feel this way, don't beat yourself up for it. But at least you know that she didn't cancel you to get her nails done...and that should help some.
True, she isn't getting her nails done (um, I don't think...*lol*), and I know she wouldn't have cancelled unless she had to. Actually, though, it doesn't bother me that my T is focusing on her mom (or other clients, issues, etc) instead of me. I know my T has personal issues just like everyone else, and I know she isn't perfect, and I know she has other clients, and none of that bothers me. My T is good in always letting me know that I'm very special to her and her caseload, she always tells me she cares in a very real and genuine way (and shows it also), and has told me that she thinks of me a lot outside of the office, and last session she admitted that I get a side of her that most other clients don't due to our closeness and special relationship. And her saying that is good enough for me. I guess I feel more guilty because even knowing all of that, I still had a negative reaction to her rescheduling because of *my* needs and feelings (I tend to apologize for those a lot, as my T says).
Thanks for taking the time to respond.
> Nobody wants to be reminded that their therapist have lives and are only human. God forbid that they get sick! But they are. Hang in there. Try all of the basic distraction techniques, and count the days the way Dinah does...it will make the time go faster.
>
> And keep posting. You'll get lots of sympathy here about missing my Therapist.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:42:44
In reply to Re: Gasp! Freudian slip above, posted by tryingtobewise on August 26, 2004, at 21:20:57
I know what you mean; I count too, and then I imagien all of the hours/minutes/seconds I have to fill until the day comes and it feels like an eternity. Ugh. Try to hang in there, too. Thanks for writing, I appreciate it!
> Hi SV,
>
> Hang in there. I've had my T reschedule once and I hated it. I tend to count down the days in between sessions, so when it gets pushed out it makes it a really long time.
>
> Good luck!
Posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:45:02
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine* » shrinking violet, posted by crazymaisie on August 26, 2004, at 23:00:58
>> oh my heart goes out to you. you know what, though, i bet she does know how you feel and i bet she wouldn't have rescheduled unless she really had to.
Aw, thank you for saying that. I'm sure she does know (I think??) and I know she wouldn't have done it if she didn't have to. It helps to "hear" it too, though, so thank you.
>> i can understand how you feel, sometimes a week is just that bit too long anyway without adding any delay. i think you should tell her how you feel. i find it's always better. she knows you care about her and that you'll be worried about her, but that you'll also feel a little abandoned by something sudden and unexpected and beyond your (or her) control.
Good idea, I think I am going to try to explore this a bit in session since it's something that just started happening the past few weeks, and I want to figure out why. It isn't fun "falling apart" in-between sessions. :(
Thank you!
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:38:26
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine* » crazymaisie, posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:45:02
Posted by shrinking violet on August 29, 2004, at 14:12:53
In reply to Re: T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine* » Susan47, posted by shrinking violet on August 27, 2004, at 19:30:01
I'm just using this space as a place to vent. Feel free to ignore.
If my T hadn't cancelled, I would have been seeing her tomorrow. But, now I have to wait aaaaall the way until Thursday. Why does it seem like such a long way away? Such an infinite expanse of time that must tick by before the day arrives. My T isn't working tomorrow, so I couldn't even call or email if I needed to....but, what is there to say, really? I really need to bring this up with her this week, because I can't keep dealing with feeling this way in-between. I'm not sure how to stop it, though: even if I knew the reason(s), and a couple of plausible ones have already been brought out in this post, knowing those reasons won't stop the feeling. Maybe I'm just innately resistant to therapy; I mean, "normal" people go to therapy and gain these insights of themselves, reasons why they do things, and somehow knowing those reasons makes the symptoms/behaviors/etc better. But not with me. I have TONS of theories, insights, etc, but I never know which one is the right one, and even if I did, it doesn't make anything better. I think, too, an issue came up last session that has been bothering me and I know I need to bring it up with my T, but I don't want her to take it the wrong way, and last night my "dad" said something to upset me, which triggered this funk I've been in (I didn't think anything could make it worse, thanks dad). I hate my life, I hate my family (yes, I know I'm horrible, but it's true), I'll never be good at anything or be competent in any way, I don't have anything to offer anyone. I'm a total waste of space and oxygen. I have my cat and my T, big woop, neither of whom will be there in the long run. School will end, I probably won't get a job. I'll be stuck in this house with these people forever, never truly fitting in or connecting with anything or anyone.
Blah, sorry. None of this is even coming out right. I guess some things have no words; maybe that's what tears are for.
Posted by Sebastian on August 29, 2004, at 17:52:18
In reply to T cancelled next appt.... *sob, whine*, posted by shrinking violet on August 26, 2004, at 14:36:28
You are too closely conected with your doctor. You need to go less often, before you feel hurt. Or live life in the doctors office. The real world is the important thing to focus on and send all your emotions. Just don't take it personal.
Posted by crazymaisie on August 30, 2004, at 1:37:04
In reply to 4 more days.....feels like a year, posted by shrinking violet on August 29, 2004, at 14:12:53
hi sv
oh, poor you. i can understand how you feel. an up-side occurs to me though - when you do actually see her on thursday it will only be four more days untill monday, instead of a week.
i HATE when something like that happens beyond my control. especially about something important to me. i don't know if that's part of what's upsetting you. do you want to say more about what came up in the last session that you want to bring up with her? feel free to spill it all out.
i'm sorry to that you're feeling so angry with yourself. i don't know much about you, but i like you already. i always check your posts first on this board and you have alot of good advice for people and you seem very warm and kind-hearted.
i hope you're doing better by the time you read this. be good to yourself
maisie
Posted by shrinking violet on August 30, 2004, at 12:45:41
In reply to Re: 4 more days.....feels like a year, posted by crazymaisie on August 30, 2004, at 1:37:04
>> an up-side occurs to me though - when you do actually see her on thursday it will only be four more days untill monday, instead of a week.
Well, nice try, but...every week we choose a new day/time. Usually I try to keep it the same day or time every week, but sometimes it isn't possible. I'm actually going to try to keep our appts to Thursdays from now on, since I have school, etc earlier in the week. Thanks for the thought, though!
>
>> i HATE when something like that happens beyond my control. especially about something important to me. i don't know if that's part of what's upsetting you. do you want to say more about what came up in the last session that you want to bring up with her? feel free to spill it all out.Hm, now that you mention the control issue, that might be a huge part of it also (I have HUGE control issues). Lately, too, I've been afraid that sessions will be cancelled, or I'll show up and she won't be there, and so when she DID call that fear became realized...and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Thank you for bringing that up, I might discuss that with her next time.
As for what was brought up....mainly maternal issues. I'm not close to my family AT ALL, in any way, and they have no concept as to who I am. I've always wished I was adopted, and waited for my "real" family to come get me (I'm 31 y/o now, although emotionally I'm a lot younger). Last session my T was talking about how I was younger, and how if I had said to her, "Mommy,......." that she would have paid attention to me, etc and she would have loved to have had that conversation with me, etc. So her saying that I think triggered this whole maternal "wish" that I have, and part of me wondered why she (meaning someone like her) couldn't have been my mother, etc. So I know I need to bring this up with her, and she'll probably love it since I usually avoid dealing with any of these things directly, but at the same time I don't want her to feel uncomfortable in thinking I have some kind of maternal attachment/transference for her, because I don't. She's nothing like my mother, thankfully. lol. All in all, it isn't a huge thing, I guess, but it is for me because this would be the first time where I really talk about my past and how it affects me.
>> i'm sorry to that you're feeling so angry with yourself. i don't know much about you, but i like you already. i always check your posts first on this board and you have alot of good advice for people and you seem very warm and kind-hearted.
Aw, ((((maisie))) this was SO incredibly sweet of you to say. It really means a lot that you would say and think that of me. Thank you.
>
>> i hope you're doing better by the time you read this.A bit. "only" 3 more days.....lol.
Thanks hon.
-SV
Posted by crazymaisie on August 30, 2004, at 23:34:36
In reply to Re: 4 more days.....feels like a year » crazymaisie, posted by shrinking violet on August 30, 2004, at 12:45:41
hi sv
i know i've said this before but your relationship with your t sounds so like mine sometimes. a while back, something like you're describing came up between us, too. she said something like 'i wish i could have been there for you when you were a kid'. it brought up all that longing for a proper mother, not the monstrous sort of person i was given. i sort threw myself into it for a while, found out about transference, decided to label it maternal transference and let myself feel some of it. but it never really took off for me. she encouraged those feelings, but i don't think they were ever all that real. i finally had to admit that i did want some kind of maternal quality to our relationship and that i liked it to a certain extent, but i wasn't looking at her as a mother replacement or anything like that. i prefer having a more equal kind of footing. that said, when i was feeling that way (wanting to be looked after) it was pretty intense at times, and that was when the week between sessions seemed longest. but i'm glad i did let myself feel it, because i have been able to try that out and discard most of it and i feel our relationship is more real for me now.
i hope the days pass by so fast for you
maisie
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.