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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by crazymaisie on July 29, 2004, at 23:08:08
i'm not really sure what it is i want to ask, but i've been reading this board for a little while and it has been so very reassuring to see that i'm not alone in all this. i started therapy (for the fifth time, but actually got past the third session this time) in february and i'm finding the whole thing so difficult and confusing. my therapist is so great, at least i think so, of course. i guess what i have is maternal transference and it's completely overwhelming at times. i suppose what i want to know is what the benefit of it is? can any of you who have gone through/are going through this tell me what you feel you have got out of it? i don't know that i could switch it off even if i wanted to, but it all seems so out of character for me among other things. thanks in advance for any responses.
maisie
Posted by steelmagnolia25 on July 30, 2004, at 8:12:25
In reply to transference question, posted by crazymaisie on July 29, 2004, at 23:08:08
Hey CM,
What a great question. I am sure that others on this board can be more helpful, but here's my thoughts on the matter. First of all, transference may only be helpful if your T knows how to deal with it. Some T's are overwhelmed by a client's feelings and either avoid discussion of them or worse, exploit those feelings. What a mistake! Transference is quite common in therapy and if treated with proper respect, can lead to great therapy achievements. You may want to read the book "In Session" if you would like to learn about others' accounts of experiencing transference.
As to how it can be helpful, that is usually a very individual issue. Objectively, the theory of transference is that the T is a clean slate upon whom you project certain feelings about someone or something in your past. Therefore, your feelings aren't "really" about your T, but rather a projection of your feelings about something that is likely very significant or concerning for you. It can be very helpful to explore those projections and determine what they mean for you, i.e. why this T inspires your maternal instinct (or was it the other way around? I'm not sure from your post). It can be very a painful experience, particularly for those who "fall in love" with T. I've been there!
Take care,
SM
Posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 8:29:57
In reply to transference question, posted by crazymaisie on July 29, 2004, at 23:08:08
I have a maternal transference with my therapist, and we've gotten a pretty good handle on it. I think our relationship has been a struggle on both our parts, but my therapist found a way of working that was helpful to me. I think that's the key. To tailor the therapy to the client and be open and sensitive to what's going on in the room.
I too found "In Session" helpful for both "normalizing" my feelings, and for helping me realize what I *didn't* feel for him and what I *didn't* want from him.
I think we're now getting to where the work we've done with the transference is paying off. I'm starting to internalize the safety my therapist represents, I think. To me, that's what a maternal transference is all about. A longing for the safety our mothers ideally would provide, but that either they didn't provide, or we didn't internalize properly. By not interfering with my maternal transference, my therapist allowed me another chance at that.
But maybe I'm generalizing here. :) That's what maternal transference meant to me, and how it's been helpful to me.
Posted by antigua on July 30, 2004, at 9:40:20
In reply to Re: transference question » crazymaisie, posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 8:29:57
Dinah, I think you described it very well. It fits my situation perfectly. I know my therapist has provided the safety and nurturing I didn't get from my mother.
My T was supposed to be back from vacation this week but she messed up her schedule and I didn't hear from her. I finally called her and it took three days for us to connect (because of her, not me) and I found myself getting quite annoyed. Instead of falling overboard, I just deal with it--she is a person, a good person, and her problems have nothing to do w/me. I trust her enough to know that she will eventually straighten her life out.
I must admit, though, that I felt like a small girl who had been able to hold it all together until her mother came home, and then her mother didn't come home!
We finally had a phone session and I told her she was doing therapy with me w/o her even knowing it! So, I think I'm internalizing her more now, which feels very good. I always thought of her as the good mother, but now I see her more clearly, foibles and all, and I've started to understand what was going on as a young girl from my mother's point of view.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 12:24:03
In reply to Re: transference question » Dinah, posted by antigua on July 30, 2004, at 9:40:20
I find the same thing. My therapist will be gone for over a week at the end of this month, and I was able to just tell him I'll miss him without being scared.
Of course, then some things cropped up in my life that now make me worried that there will be a heck of a lot going on in the period he's to be gone, so now I'm worrying again.
It's a process, I guess.
Posted by Susan47 on July 30, 2004, at 17:51:26
In reply to Re: transference question » antigua, posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 12:24:03
I hope things work out well while you're therapist's gone. You can always talk to us!
Posted by shortelise on July 30, 2004, at 20:42:40
In reply to transference question, posted by crazymaisie on July 29, 2004, at 23:08:08
I hesitate to write because there are so many people here who are smarter and more articulate than I, and who understand this process so much better. But for what it's worth:
I think the point of it is to re-experience a relationship in a new way. We hopefully learn some good ways of being from our primary relationships, but we can also learn some really lousy things, things that get in our way of living well, of feeling well.
Re-experiencing some of this with someone else is a way to sort of vimit it all up onto another person so it can be examined and digested better.
Now, isn't that just a lovely image!?
It can be so very uncomfortable. But it's also nice. I get to feel this closeness and trust that I never felt with my own mother - and toward a small, slight, balding guy who couldn't look or BE less like my mother.
It just occured to me that maybe my mother never meant to hurt me.
Now I will read the other repiles to your question.
Shorte
Posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 21:55:50
In reply to For Dinah, posted by Susan47 on July 30, 2004, at 17:51:26
Thanks. I should know more next week. In the meantime, we're discussing it already, because it's a useful discussion to have regardless.
And honestly, I'm not sure how much help he can be anyway. Today he just ended up annoying me. Sometimes he is just too d*mn chipper. Like some pop-psych superstar run amok.
I wish the major problems of life would just stop while the support team is not in place. But just maybe there is also benefit in them *not* being in place. My best friend got sick and died in a very short period where my therapist was out of town for most of it. And I staggered through it in some sort of calm rational fog of shock that enabled me to be supportive to the family and do all that I should do with only the occasional yelling fit. Perhaps if my therapist had been in town, that dazed shock would have lifted and I wouldn't have coped as well.
Good grief. Now I sound like my demented pop-psych chipper therapist, looking at the most positive possible interpretation. I must stop that immediately or I'll have to be utterly repulsed by myself.
Posted by thewrite1 on July 31, 2004, at 1:46:02
In reply to transference question, posted by crazymaisie on July 29, 2004, at 23:08:08
This is something that's happened with my T. I've actually encountered all sorts of transference with her and she's really good about dealing with it. I wouldn't say that she encourages it, but she accepts it. The maternal transference is very strong I would say due to the poor relationship I had with my mother in childhood. The way my T explained it to me is that the little girl that's still inside me is trying to get what she didn't get when she needed it. Due to the relationship, there are lines she can't cross, but she's very good about soothing that little girl. I don't know if that 's what you were looking for, but that's my experience.
Posted by antigua on July 31, 2004, at 11:04:59
In reply to Re: transference question, posted by shortelise on July 30, 2004, at 20:42:40
Please don't talk about yourself that way. You obviously are very smart and you definitely are articulate!!
You described that aspect of it very well. It fits for me too. It IS a complicated process and since we are all different and suffer from our individual problems then it seems only natural that we'd see these issues from slightly different points of view. It's so nice to share so we can find common ground.
best,
antigua
Posted by shortelise on July 31, 2004, at 17:30:24
In reply to Re: transference question, posted by antigua on July 31, 2004, at 11:04:59
thanks antigua - I do marvel at the insight of many here, and don't feel equal to them myself at all.
I don't feel at all articulate about this stuff, where I can be about other things.
Thanks
Shorte
Posted by crazymaisie on July 31, 2004, at 23:13:34
In reply to Re: transference question » antigua, posted by shortelise on July 31, 2004, at 17:30:24
thanks, all of you. i actually got quite teary reading your replies. i think the idea of re-experiencing the messed-up stuff (i have issues with both parents, but mostly it's my mother) and then internalizing all that gives me something to work towards, which is very helpful. otherwise it all feels like a big mess that doesn't make any sense. i'll certainly give all that some more thought. i loved the vomitting image! in some ways it really fits , there's so little self-control! my therapist positively encourages this, but that can be quite frustrating,too, because she wants me to rely on her and be so needy (not easy for me) and yet she's only there once a week which doesn't necessarily fill the gap. also, she only mentioned transference once, quite a while ago, when i didn't really understand what it meant. and i sort of freaked out because i felt that it meant that she wasn't taking my feelings seriously, especially after she had encouraged me to be so open and expressive about them. she hasn't dared mention it since, but i have read in session because i have seen it recommended so many times on this board, and now i'm a bit more comfortable with the idea. maybe i should let her know that it's not a dirty word any more.
someone also asked whether my transference was maternal towards her or the other way around, and that made me think, too. because i certainly do have some maternal and protective feelings towards her, but then i'm maternal towards everyone (oldest sibling in a household of at best non-functional parents, so i suppose that's to be expected) still, i hadn't given those feelings much thought before. thanks for that, too.
dinah, i'm so sorry to hear about your friend. i hope you're doing okay.
anyway, thanks again. i'm sure i'll be back with more questions. (hope that's okay)
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