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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
hI
I know that this sounds completely immature but was just wondering as to how much pysical contact you people have had with your T's?
Ive hugged mine a few times and the same with my ex's but very rarely and always for a specific reason which is barely never and i never initiated any of the hugs , whats the deal with you people and the contact.
its very intresting how different t's have completely different boundries and stuff , i spoke to a friend of mine whose a therapist and asked him how he felt about hugging patients and he said if its at beginning of session , patient might want a hug a few weeks later at end of session too , and there will always be this need for me even not always in a sexual context...like it will never be enough ,its very intresting , wondering what you people think.
ever feel the need to throw u arms around u t?
its so strange as in every day life its the most natural and normal thing, yet in therapy it becomes a "thing" like wowwwwwww a hug!
Posted by terrics on April 4, 2004, at 18:43:33
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
I've hugged her 2X. before holiday and when her father died. She asked for a hug once and I gave it to her. terrics
Posted by lucy stone on April 4, 2004, at 19:19:53
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » obSession, posted by terrics on April 4, 2004, at 18:43:33
I have hugged by analyst a few times, always at my instigation. It is always after an espcially difficult session, when I really need the reassurance. He is open to it if I need it and want it, but we would never, never initiate, that I know for sure. He says it is "meaningful" to him, whatever that means in analyst-speak.
Posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 19:35:18
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
You wrote:
"its so strange as in every day life its the most natural and normal thing, yet in therapy it becomes a "thing" like wowwwwwww a hug!"
That's only one perspective -- for me, a hug is usually a big deal no matter what the circumstances. In social settings, where everyone expects hugs, I steel myself to hug and be hugged. When my former-semi-step-kids were young, I had to 'train' them not to kiss me on the lips, that kissing on the cheek was way more comfortable for me. (Although, with the kids, physical contact was a lot more comfortable for me. They were little cuddle bugs when they were little, and that was Right in some way.) Those social occasions where everyone is so huggy are always uncomfortable for me.
Some of that is upbringing, of course. The Proper Greeting I grew up with, amongst adult equals, was the kiss on each cheek -- often a token buss without real contact. The other acceptable greetings were a kiss on the hand from a man, and a hand-clasp with slight curtsey from a girl-child to any respected adult. With that to compare to, you can probably see why hugging isn't a big part of my social life, right?
And no, I've never had any physical contact with any therapist. I don't even like it when they touch my shoulder on the way out.
(Doesn't mean I don't periodically fantasize about Dr EyeCandy, but that's a whole 'nother story. And that's usually one of those splits: either it's 'him' and sexual -- meaning it's a sexual fantasy where my partner just looks a bit like him; or it's HIM, himself, and it's more about getting deeper into the non-relevant conversations we surf over in his office. (Things like books, animals, his relatives, science, etc.) So, it's not even really wanting to cross the line with him, just a deep desire for conversation outside the boundaries imposed by the office visits.
Hope that sheds some light for you.
Posted by Speaker on April 4, 2004, at 22:38:28
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
My old T of 6 yrs would ask if I would like a hug at the end of each session. After a while we would just stand up hug and I would leave. I have been with my new T six months and he hasn't even offered a hand shake let alone a hug...I can't imagine he would (I miss it).
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2004, at 22:41:55
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by Speaker on April 4, 2004, at 22:38:28
I asked my therapist for a handshake once at the end of a session. He gave it without comment. The next session I asked if he had been curious about the unusual request.
He said that he figured that I wanted contact, but didn't feel comfortable with the idea of a hug, so asked for a handshake instead.
It's nice to have a therapist understand you so deeply.
So I ask for a handshake now and again.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 4, 2004, at 23:11:05
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
I would like an anything else :)
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 23:30:45
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by Fallen4myT on April 4, 2004, at 23:11:05
You know, I've never asked for or received a hug. I'm not sure I would want one from him. I think it might intensify the transference beyond what I can cope with right now. I don't know. My immediate family were not huggers, either, so if I've got a paternal transference going, I would not be likely to hug him.
I have hugged a client before. When I worked in a nursing home I was not at all shy about hugging my clients or holding their hands. I just think caring human touch is so important, and residents of NH's don't always get it.
I had an adult client this year ask for a hug. She was going through a divorce, and was usually quite upset when she would come in for sessions. That felt okay to me, but I don't think I would be likely to hug the undergrads.
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on April 4, 2004, at 23:44:01
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2004, at 23:30:45
With the analyst I have, it would never happen. There's so much talk about all kinds of touching in my sessions- memories of abusive touching, longings for safe, loving touching, etc., that it just wouldn't be a good idea if it actually happened- the transference is so complicated!
One very nice thing that does happen is a handshake when we have a break- like for a vacation or trip by one of us, Then we both sort of step out of the transference and have a mutual moment of recognition that as adults we like one another- it helps a lot with the breaks in therapy, which I find pretty hard.
Posted by cubic_me on April 5, 2004, at 5:56:33
In reply to Another perspective » obSession, posted by Racer on April 4, 2004, at 19:35:18
Racer wrote about wanting a hug:> That's only one perspective -- for me, a hug is usually a big deal no matter what the circumstances.
Thats so true for me too. We never hugged when I was growing up, and I rarely touched my parents unless it was for something specific (cleaning dirt from my face etc). I try to avoid hugs as much as I can, they makes me so uncomfortable. There are a few 'huggy' people who I do hug, but only because I know that they like it and I am used to hugging them. It seems strange that having sex with someone new seems to me so much less daunting than hugging someone new.I've never hugged or even touched my therapist, I would feel extremely uncomfortable. She strikes me as the sort of person who wouldn't do that unless it was in exeptional circumstances.
Posted by tinydancer on April 5, 2004, at 11:12:10
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » obSession, posted by terrics on April 4, 2004, at 18:43:33
> I've hugged her 2X. before holiday and when her father died. She asked for a hug once and I gave it to her. terrics
She asked you for a hug? Oh dear. That would make me really uncomfortable. I couldn't handle feeling that I could be responsible for my T's emotions on that level. He's supposed to be taking care of me, not the other way around. How did that make you feel, terrics?
Posted by tinydancer on April 5, 2004, at 11:18:18
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
> its so strange as in every day life its the most natural and normal thing, yet in therapy it becomes a "thing" like wowwwwwww a hug!
obSession, have you read "In Session"? This is a decent read about these kinds of issues. I feel it is very important to differentiate between the relationships we have in our social every day and the relationship we have to our therapists. In the therapy room, as the author of the aformentioned book likes to note, everything is "approximated". Which means just that: emotions and everything else are a close copy to the real thing but fail to measure up to the mirror image.
There is a reason that getting a hug from a T is a big deal. A bigger deal than getting a hug from anyone else. The T has a professional role to play, and if he's a good T, he also understands the power and devestation he could wreak through making a bad choice regarding more intimate contact, and the chance for a patient feeling betrayed. Taken on an individual basis, the hug is an important thing, it can mean a lot of things to different people, so especially in the complex relationship between therapist and possibly (in love) patient, its treading thin ice indeed.
Believe me, I know how you feel.
Posted by tinydancer on April 5, 2004, at 11:25:46
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
I have never hugged my T. I've asked before, and he was very thoughtful before giving me the inevitable "no" answer. He knows that I have pretty strong feelings for him, and he also knows my history of being betrayed and misused by men, so I think he uses extreme caution for fear of creating a feeling of betrayal in me and therein tainting the great therapeutic relationship we have now. I've talked to him about how touch is important and natural and he agrees completely but doesn't want to jump into anything. It is very hard. I don't always feel the need for touch from him, because I'm a non-toucher myself, and usually don't like others touching me either, but occasionally I feel so alone and because of who he is to me, a simple touch can turn the world around for me.
The one time I asked for a hug, he held my hand instead, which was nice but not the same, obviously. When we talked about a hug he asked what kind of hug I had in mind. "A business hug type thing?" he asked. " Oh noooooo...I would go for as good as it gets!" I yelled out.
Haha...
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 5, 2004, at 12:50:39
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » obSession, posted by tinydancer on April 5, 2004, at 11:25:46
tiny,
I have never heard of a "business hug." How very odd!
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 5, 2004, at 12:52:56
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
All I get are handshakes. There is no way on earth he would ever give me a hug though I would promise my firstborn to him if he did give me one!
I had a rough session last week and I like to imagine that he was hugging me with his eyes the entire time, which I felt like he was doing. Not the same though.
Posted by rainyday on April 5, 2004, at 16:23:37
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
My T hugged me after our fourth or so session. Last week I saw her after I had been in crisis (shudder), and her hug gave me strength and showed compassion, which I needed.
My old T when I lived up north was a hugger,too. The T in between was a man with whom I could never make any kind of connection. We just played 20 questions for an hour. I terminated that one, saying that I thought we needed to be able to communicate easier, and he concurred without apparent prejudice.
Posted by Asya on April 5, 2004, at 17:11:52
In reply to Re: Another perspective » Racer, posted by cubic_me on April 5, 2004, at 5:56:33
I find this thread intriguing. I wish I could read my T as well as some people here seem to read theirs. In the therapy room, she sits far away from me, there is a coffee table between us. Yet, she IS very warm and compassionate and has offered for me to call during the week etc.
Anyhow, I think I have REALLY held back on my transference issues so I am wondering if she knows how strongly I feel about her and whether if she knew this, she might offer a hug. I would LOVE a hug from her. I fantasize about being held by her all the time. anyway, just wanted to dd my thoughts.
Love to all
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 18:41:06
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2004, at 22:41:55
Hello all:
I've been reading your material since last week and find it to be comforting. Last week, about my 5th session, I stood to leave with an intense hard-on. I had a semi before, and I realized that when she shows unconditional concern for me I am somehow erotically turned on. She's attractive, but I've been in these sessions to get better. Ok, maybe I have thought about her just a little sexually, but that's natural for me. I've got more serious issues and put that right out of my mind. I'm married too. But last week, she was staring at me again. I told her that I don't like it when she stares at me. She said that it was because she cared about me and the issues we were discussing are serious enough that she looks at me intensely. She likened her deep looks at me to those of my wife and said that I don't find anything unusual about her looks and wanted to know why I found her caring looks unusual. This conversation made me even more aroused. I liked that I have this person who "cares" about me. I told my T that what had transpired felt very weird. She smiled and ended the session. I wanted it to go on for another hour and at the same time couldn't wait to get out of her office. I felt like I had betrayed my wife yet I've done nothing but think about this woman (my T) since. It's so strange. This doesn't happen to me. From all that I have been reading, I feel like I am about to embark on this journey with this woman for an hour a week. It's like having an affair without the physical part and it's the one place I'm aloud to do it. How should I share this with her if at all? Will she terminate if I let her know how I feel. Is it really possible that I could fall in love with her? There must be some amazing benefits from all of this. It seems so personal, more personal than I've been with anyone my entire life. I'm nervous as hell. Needless to say, when I stood to leave, it was obvious that I had been turned on somehow. I could never give her a hug under those circumstances.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 19:39:07
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 18:41:06
Chucky I have had female hard on's in session for some time now and you may or may NOT have transferance ..it is NOT always transfereance sometimes its just a cigar :-) Nice to meet you.
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:45:38
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » Chucky Adkins, posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 19:39:07
Nice to meet you too Fallen.
Posted by tinydancer on April 6, 2004, at 2:46:53
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » tinydancer, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 5, 2004, at 12:50:39
> tiny,
>
> I have never heard of a "business hug." How very odd!You know, a business hug-a hug you might give a co-worker-bodies not touching, sort of standing at a distance, and the actual "encircling of arms" happens for about a half a second? I think I should have written "business like" hug...
Posted by Dinah on April 6, 2004, at 8:33:25
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » Miss Honeychurch, posted by tinydancer on April 6, 2004, at 2:46:53
My husband accuses me of giving too many shoulder hugs.
Posted by noa on April 6, 2004, at 8:48:59
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
FWIW---
When I moved away, my previous therapist and I hugged goodbye at our last session. I had brought it up when we were discussing termination. I had seen him for 10 years, and there had been no previous physical contact.
Posted by LG04 on April 6, 2004, at 16:50:09
In reply to Re: who has hugged there T's? or anything else? » obSession, posted by noa on April 6, 2004, at 8:48:59
My therapist and I hug after almost every session. It's always my choice. She waits for me to stand up and sees if I reach for a hug or not. I always do unless I am feeling mad at her for some reason and then I usually say, "I don't want to hug you today" or I just stand up and get my bag and go, and that's okay with her. Once she asked me for a hug but then apologized afterwards.
I can't imagine not being able to hug her. It's very important to me. I can be very needy and dependent towards her but I have never felt like I would want to hug her forever, meaning that the hugs don't cause me to want more and more and more. It usually feels just right. A few times I've hugged her and then started to leave and then turned around and hugged her again, but that's rare. Once in a while when I hug her I tell her I love her. Twice (in almost two years) I even spontaneously kissed her on the cheek! I was a little embarrassed but I can be very affectionate and it just happened! Basically I do whatever feels natural at the moment.
As an incest survivor, it's important for me to be able to experience safe touch with people whom I love and who love me, and I include my therapist in that category. She told me once (after she read "In Session," which I gave her to read) that if I ever want to talk about our hugs that's fine, but I don't have a need to talk about it because it works...it simply feels right, it is a non-issue for me.
By the way we didn't always hug. I can't remember when it started or how though. Maybe I'll ask her if she remembers.
LG
Posted by greywolf on April 8, 2004, at 18:30:37
In reply to who has hugged there T's? or anything else?, posted by obSession on April 4, 2004, at 17:26:13
It must be due to my personal borders, but I would be shocked if my therapist hugged me. My perception is that I go to them for professional help with my personal problems, not friendship. If I'm lacking in desired physical contact in my life, maybe that would be something I would talk to the therapist about, but I would find it highly inappropriate for a therapist to have that type of physical contact with me.
And I'm not averse to physical contact or hugging. It just seems to me that there is a time and place (or person) for everything, and a therapy session isn't the right time or place for something that intimate. Since I go to a therapist for expert help, I expect a level of professionalism that wouldn't allow that type of interaction.
Maybe I'm too stuffy, and maybe I'm missing out on something, but if you read about a guy running out of his therapist's office screaming, that'd likely be me after an unsolicited hug. :)
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