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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
So, I started group today. And I started with an open mind. But, I'm beginning to realize that (and I could be very wrong here) these people don't have anything in common with me. One person started out saying he got into an argument with his wife because he feels that if you live in America, you should speak the language (Hello! America doesn't ahve an official language!!!). I just didn't even comment. Everyone else agreed with him, even Bubba which shocked me. Then that same person made another commment to the effect of "When I see a 'Thug' walking down the street I instinctively hate him because I know he's rude, regardless of skin color. I can tell by the way he dresses." He then had the nerve to say he wasn't prejudice. Of course Bubba asked me how I felt about that. I just said that I was a bit disturbed that he was so quick to judge someone based on past experiences due to the way the person from the past dressed, not by the person's behaviors. Sorry, but I'm not enrolled in a current issues group, or "Stamping out Prejudice" group. And of course I only said about 10 words. And Bubba said afterwards that he was "proud" of me for challenging the member, but I don't care. This is just stupid. Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid.... I'm sorry, but I should have know that with a small town comes this type of thinking and these types of issues, but shouldn't Bubba have taken care of these types of problems beforehand? Is it now the group's responsibility to handle prejudice? And Bubba even admitted to an incedent when he was younger that really made me lose respect for him involving some people from a different country who had moved here. I just didn't expect that. And I sure didn't want to know that. Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid.... Dinah, can I move in with you and Harry?
Posted by Dinah on March 23, 2004, at 12:35:52
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Better yet, you can run away with us. Harry and I are always wanting to run away.
So that's kind of what I'd be afraid of if I got to know my therapist better. Sometimes he starts to say something, and since it's *my* therapy, I can quickly pipe up with my stance on that issue so that he'll know not to step on any toes. I'd be afraid of what I'd see if I saw him in his native habitat. Or even in a group.
So there's one guy in group who definitely doesn't share your values. And a bunch of others who might not, or who might have just been mumbling assent with a person with a strong personality? Is that a chance? Is there anyone who is your age and would tend to be working on the same issues you are?
Maybe it will get better, or maybe Tabitha could give you some wise advice.
I'm sorry, Karen Kay. :(
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 23, 2004, at 13:07:00
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
KAren,
What is the purpose of the group? Just general support or is it an anxiety group or what???
By the way, thanks for my "ode" a couple weeks abck. I responded but it has since been archived and I think you were on vacation. I seem to be suffering a relapse and am now back to once a week sessions with Bean. Very frustrating...
Posted by pegasus on March 23, 2004, at 16:44:10
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Hi KK,
(BTW I'm glad you're back, too, but I'm also glad that you got a good vacation.)
I'm in a group now too, and at first I totally hated it. It seemed like we always talked about one particular person's stuff, because they were always the one who piped up. And I'm fairly shy, especially with new people, so for a while I was feeling like, "Why am I paying my good money and spending my limited time here to listen to this person, who I don't know from Adam, talk about their issues all the time? Isn't this supposed to help me?"
Then after a while the facilitators got a little more assertive about spreading the wealth, and a little more in tune with the needs of individual members (i.e., I needed help butting in), and it all seemed more helpful. Because, in the end, part of my issues do have to do with this dynamic of being shut out.
I don't know if that helps. I know that I'd feel really frustrated in your shoes. Especially because it sounds like you don't have your own individual therapy anymore, to rely on when the group is feeling not helpful, or to discuss how the group feels to you. Which, by the way, seems a little off to me. Don't most people who are in groups also have individual therapy? I know that for my group, we were required to also be in individual therapy. One does not really seem to be a substitute for another, at least in my limited experience.
Can you tell Bubba how you feel? I mean, leave him a message or something. This is not sounding like it's starting off on the right foot. Maybe he'll have some info about where he's hoping to head with the group.
- p
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 23, 2004, at 22:30:10
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
"with a small town comes this type of thinking"..
i think you just proved yourself prejudice..
Posted by DaisyM on March 23, 2004, at 23:12:03
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Karen,
I'm sorry it isn't working better for you. I would give it some time though and try to keep an open mind.
Remember, he said you could go back to individual therapy if this didn't work out. So hope remains.
-D
Posted by All Done on March 23, 2004, at 23:22:15
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Karen,
I'm really sorry you had a bad experience at your first group session. It must have been terribly frustrating for you.
Just like individuals have bad days, I imagine groups can have them as well. Maybe give it another shot and see if they discuss something more productive. In the meantime, though, can you give Bubba a call about it? He's had this group for a while, right? Maybe he can explain what was going on or at least let you know if this type of thing is a regular topic for discussion.
And it just doesn't seem like you to say only 10 words. Were you too uncomfortable or didn't you get a chance to speak more? Do you think it was just because you were the "new" one? Maybe if you had the opportunity to say more, you would feel more of a benefit to going. Ugh, I don't know. I feel like I'm grasping at straws, but I know you said you wanted to stay with Bubba...
This stinks. I hope it gets better.
All Done
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 24, 2004, at 0:22:56
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Karen I am sorry too...I know you kind of dreaded the group as it was. I hope you give it a good 5 sessions and maybe say what you think. Its kind of like being in here, at first you can be the odd man out and dont like what people are saying but maybe once you get the whole picture it clears it a bit. I wish you had said what you posted maybe it would have REALLY challenged the group. Hang in for a few and say what you think if it stays stupid..then talk to Bubba and get out
UGH SORRY :(
Posted by Elle2021 on March 24, 2004, at 1:02:27
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Hey Karen,
I'm sorry group wasn't what you expected. I hope you decide to give it a few sessions before you decide to quit. Maybe if you decide to leave this group, there might be another group you can be put into.
Elle
Posted by gardenergirl on March 24, 2004, at 6:36:06
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by Elle2021 on March 24, 2004, at 1:02:27
KK,
Glad to have you back. Sorry group did not go well. I know this change has been difficult. Hopefully it will smooth out some and you will get something out of it for yourself. Or that you will find something that is helpful for you.Take care,
gg
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 7:48:18
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by justyourlaugh on March 23, 2004, at 22:30:10
Thank you Thank you Thank you.....
I actually knew when I wrote that, that it sounded just that way, and I suppose I am a bit prejudice against small towns in a way. I'm glad (and you must know that when I clicked on your post and read that I had a huge grin on my face) you pointed it out.
I've always lived in small towns and would love to retire in one, or raise children (did I say I want children???) in one. But, I've just noticed through my own personal experience in growing up that there seems to be a certain amount of "unwelcomeness" for people of different races or classes. Now, I could always be wrong, but this is just in my personal experience. I suppose I'm a little bit bitter about that experience and should try to work on my own bitterness. But again, being surrounded by that just reminds me again of what I faced growing up and it just makes me sad because I'm reminded that "I don't have the right words to change their minds." Maybe that's the problem.
Thank you, JYL for pointing out to me that I shouldn't be so quick to point a finger. (But I still don't like these people!!! giggle giggle, I suppose it isn't all that bad, but I fear I may stomp a hole through the floor if that guy starts a discussion similar to the one he had this week! And I ALWAYS stomp my foot like a horse when I'm angry.)
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 7:56:16
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 23, 2004, at 13:07:00
The purpose of the group is for depression and anxiety and also the fact that we're all Bubba's clients. Oh, and we're all similar age groups. Other than that, that's about it. And you're welcome for your ode dear. You deserved better :)
I'm sorry you are suffering from a relapse, but things will soon get better. It just takes a bit of time. And you have a wonderful therapist like Bean to help you through this. I have faith that soon you'll be feeling wonderful. You'll be swinging that rump of yours up the stairs in no time, you just wait and see dear.... Take care of yourself and anytime you need another ode, let me know, ok?
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 7:59:39
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this... » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on March 23, 2004, at 12:35:52
Perhaps you and Harry could come and sit in on the group? I just know you'd pipe up and speak your mind. I think I just need to realize that it's not all about me anymore, and that others there need help as well. But, I think since I have a huge problem with avoidance it may be my downfall. I may be quick to point out where everyone else is failing, but not myself. That's not always a good thing, but a pattern I tend to fall in. And that isn't always helpful. So, when will you and Harry be here to pick me up? About 8ish? :)
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 8:08:46
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by pegasus on March 23, 2004, at 16:44:10
Well, I think that after about 5 weeks if I don't really feel that I'm getting anything out of group then I'll talk to Bubba about it and see what my options are. If we can't go back to individual then I'll see about a different therapist. I understand that different people have different issues and I just think that this particular one hit a bit too close to home. And I've always been one to closely watch how he handles situations. So, maybe I'm just looking for a reason to judge and quit and hate it. I do that often. I think everyone else felt relatively comfortable there, except me. However, they all agreed with what was said to a certain extent. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Posted by fallsfall on March 24, 2004, at 8:46:15
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this... » pegasus, posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 8:08:46
Ah, Group. It can be a unique and challenging experience.
In two of your responses, Karen, you mention that you have your own issues relating to small town prejudice ("hit a bit close to home", "I suppose I'm a little bit bitter about that experience and should try to work on my own bitterness.").
Groups are often effective in illuminating these kinds of issues. The original speaker had his own issue - and hopefully there will be some balance that comes from the group where other viewpoints are raised and everyone can moderate a little and come closer to the center. In this case Group did exactly what it was supposed to do. An issue was raised, and through discussion of this issue you were better able to understand and examine your own views of this issue.
I'm really sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like the Group is working just like it should. I'm a little worried that everyone agreed with him, that can be a problem (but one which you, Karen_Kay, can be instrumental in solving!). One of the groups I attended was too supportive (and not confrontational enough) - and I think it could have been more valuable for all of us if there were more disagreements so that we were forced to look at the issue more closely. Karen, you are not one to keep your mouth shut if you disagree. This will be good for the group. Speak up when you disagree. I also attended a group that was too confrontational. I was quite fragile at the time (just out of my first stay at the hospital) and I felt overwhelmed and beaten up in that group. I hope that you can help your new group find that middle ground, where people care and are supportive, but also say what they really think. It is quite a challenge to find that line.
Each group member should have a time to speak about their own issues. Some groups try to give each member a slice of time in each session, but if there are lots of people in the group (more than 4 or so) there isn't time to get into the issues if you do that. Other groups sort of informally keep track of who hasn't been heard from (but it is the quiet member's responsibility to step into the lull in conversation and start talking), and try to give equal time over the course of a month or two. For many group members, being able to take the "floor" in group can be their biggest challenge. Knowing when someone has finished talking and knowing how long the silence should be before you start a new topic can be really tricky - because different people have different time schedules for that. As the group gets to know each other, hopefully you will get to know each other's rhythms and will be able to share the time more equally. But MOST issues that other people talk about will have SOME relevance to you (even if it just reminds you of a different issue that you have). So find the relevance, and then all the time is useful.
It takes a little getting used to. I think you did fine.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 24, 2004, at 17:42:08
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
I could be wrong but I like to be the center of attention and would never do well in group because of that. In large groups I do well in the middle but in smaller groups I like to be THE ONE...Some of your posts in the past makes me think maybe you have some of that in you too.,.and I could be wrong if so sorry...tis not a sin lol I do it...but maybe that is part of your issue in therapy you were the odd man out and even Bubba said crap with the others ...worth thinking on...maybe
Posted by Poet on March 24, 2004, at 19:08:08
In reply to I'm really not liking this..., posted by Karen_kay on March 23, 2004, at 12:23:11
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear your first time in group was such a let down. Having social anxiety, trust issues and all else that ails me, I would never say a word in any session. That you spoke up, tells me that you're not intimidated by the group, you're just not sure if you fit in. You're like the new kid on the block, not sure how everyone else plays together. You'll soon be leader of the pack.
Poet
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:22:34
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by DaisyM on March 23, 2004, at 23:12:03
Daisy Do,
I'll give her (group that is) another get go. (But I still don't like it and that's me being stubborn!!!)... Perhaps next time as soon as Bubba starts talking I'll just interupt him and say "I'd like to start by saying......" And jsut go on and on and on so that no one can get a word in. That way I won't have a chance to hear anything they have to say? Perhaps not, but I can dream, can't I? I'm only saying that so that I won't have a chance to judge anyone and I really don't want to judge these people. The only thing worse than judging them would be to admit I have problems. Imagine that, me with problems...Sheesh! Thanks Daisy!
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:25:19
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this... » Karen_kay, posted by All Done on March 23, 2004, at 23:22:15
Nope, this is his first group session, with adults and this is the first meeting. Yup, I like rookies. I so wanted to tell him that he's in over his head, but I questioned my motivations for saying so. Would I have been saying it to crush his ego? Or to open his eyes? What do you think? Get back to me on that.... And calling him is out of the question. I'm back to the stage where "I don't need him anymore!!!"
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:28:53
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by Elle2021 on March 24, 2004, at 1:02:27
I don't think I'm going to give up that easily. And if I were to quit this group, I'd go back to individual, either with Bubba or to a different therapist. But, so help me if Bubba says next week, "Let's pick up where we left off.." I'm walking out.... I swear it.
Elle dear, how have you been? Mr PsychoBabble Usa is going on again and we are always looking for judges.....
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:30:39
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this..., posted by gardenergirl on March 24, 2004, at 6:36:06
Thank you gg. I try very hard to take care of myself. I'm sure things will get better. It helps to vent directly afterwards though, when I'm upset. Thanks, as always. Hope you're taking good notes on this stuff :), for future reference of course...
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:34:55
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this... » Karen_kay, posted by fallsfall on March 24, 2004, at 8:46:15
I'm not there to solve their problems.... Wah..... Am I???? Is that the point of this? I'm not capable of this type of burden. I can't solve my own problems. And I don't think these people are capable of solving mine. Bubba's hardly capable of helping me solve my problems. Falls, why do you have to be right all the time.... Sheesh. Just stop it already.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:44:47
In reply to YOU STRIKE ME as a lot like me Karen » Karen_kay, posted by Fallen4myT on March 24, 2004, at 17:42:08
I'm just kidding of course. I think in some aspects I like being the center of attention, but I also don't mind at all letting others talk when they need to. I just get frustrated (and that seems to be the only emotion I can identify with) and when I'm frustrated I get flustered and it's hard to find words at times. So, I didn't interrupt the gentleman while he was speaking, as much as I would have loved to. And actually when I first meet someone, I'm a bit more reserved, believe it or not. I prefer to test them and respond accordingly. Test the waters and see what I can and can't get away with. But, perhaps you are right and I'm just upset that I couldn't talk more. BUt I thik if I did talk, it wouldn't be that I was talking about my problems. I'd have been wasting tme more or less anyway, so I feel it's probably best that they were talking about what they were anyway. There I go again, talking in circles. Thanks for your reply..
Posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:48:46
In reply to Re: I'm really not liking this... » Karen_kay, posted by Poet on March 24, 2004, at 19:08:08
Yeah, I'm sure I'll have all their problems fixed in no time too! Then perhaps I can go back to individual sessions in a few weeks and my life will go back to normal chaos once again! Yahoo! Wouldn't that be grand. Thanks Poet. I'd prefer the focus stay on others for as long as possible anyway, as I like to avoid my problems for as long as I possibly can. I agree though that at this point they seem to click and I do sort of feel like the dog tied up outside. Strange way to look at it, as I've never really felt this way before. First time for everything, I suppose.
Posted by fallsfall on March 24, 2004, at 22:35:03
In reply to But but but.. » fallsfall, posted by Karen_kay on March 24, 2004, at 19:34:55
A group is like a "laboratory" (make sure you put the emphasis on the "BOR" syllable). It gives you a chance to examine how things work. Both how other people work and how you work. It gives you a chance to try new things and see what happens.
*You* won't solve their problems, and they won't solve yours. But, if the group works correctly, everyone will come away with a better idea of how they interract with the world. And that can give *you* a better chance to solve your *own* problems.
And, Karen, why is it that you "like to avoid my problems for as long as I possibly can."? Tell me why this is helpful to you?
I'll look forward to your report on the next group session.
With love,
Falls.
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