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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 36. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:09:09
I need some advice. I have been in therapy for over a year..almost two. Recently, I noticed that I am becoming too dependent on my therapist, I cannot go a week without talking to her, and I constantly call her to ask or tell her something. Plus, I am starting to think of her as my "mother" I completely look up to her and depend on her and I dont want to do anything to hurt or upset her. I do want to be friends with her but i realize at the same time that it is unethical. I just hate the idea that once i leave the room, I mean absolutely nothing to her! I dont know how to talk to her about my feelings towards her and Im really embarressed that I feel this strongly towards her.I have to always get her approval of my ideas and I have to always make sure she still likes me when i think that i have done something to upset her. And, I constantly apologize to her whenever i call her... She is an amazing therapist and very smart and trustworthy but Im so embarressed...how should i go about talking to her about this? Is this transference that i am experiencing? Any thoughts or suggestions would be wonderful. Please tell me im not the only one that feels like this...
Thanks.
Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 21:20:29
In reply to Is this Transference?, posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:09:09
No, you're not the only one by *any* means, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Have you ever read the book "In Session" by Deborah Lott? It can help you put what you're feeling into perspective.
Obviously it's not good for your progress in therapy if you want to please her so much that you can't be totally yourself with her, so it's something worth talking about. And the best way to talk about it is just to tell her what you wrote here. You could even print it out and bring it to her. This won't be the first time that she's heard it.
It's only natural, when you think of it. We build up a trust with them, we think highly of them. It's such a natural part of being human that you really shouldn't feel bad about it at all.
Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 21:21:50
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Pandabear, posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 21:20:29
"In Session" by Deborah Lott
Posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:33:28
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Pandabear, posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 21:20:29
I have been researching a lot about transference but i dont know if this is truely it or not. I am just afraid of not knowing how she would handle this. I am very dependent and im sure she realizes this but I never thought i would become so dependent on my therapist. Which actually, it is good to a certain extent to be dependent, but not to the point where you feel you cannot make it through a week!! It is so frustrating.
Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 21:56:08
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Dinah, posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:33:28
Talking about it makes it better. Reading the book I recommended made it better for me too. Secrets have a power that is far greater than things spoken. Especially when it comes to obsessions. The more you fight it, the less willing you are to talk about it with her, the more it will consume you.
Now that my therapist and I have talked about it thoroughly, it hardly ever crops up as an issue for me anymore. It does sometimes, but far less often.
If you aren't ready to talk about it with her yet, continue to post here. It really does help.
Posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 22:03:48
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Pandabear, posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 21:56:08
Thanks for telling me about the book. I will have to try and find it. I am meeting with my therapist on Monday and I REALLY want to talk to her about it i just need to suck it up and start talking I guess. I do have a dependent personality though and Obsessive tendencies but I dont want to be like that towards my therapist..or anyone for that matter..you know? Thanks for responding though. Im so glad that I found this website that I can talk to others that have experenced similar issues....
Posted by Karen_kay on January 10, 2004, at 23:37:58
In reply to Is this Transference?, posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:09:09
Hiya! Your feelings aren't strange or unusual at all, at least I don't think so. I went through erotic transference with my therapist and talked with him about it openly. Just talking about it helped. We didn't have to discuss it in great detail every session for weeks on end to work through it. For me, it just somehow worked itself out (MAYBE??? MAYBE NOT? I still think he's yummy and I'd do him but I'm not in love with him anymore.) But I tend to more think of him as my new daddy, so we're working on this new issue. I even told him once during a session that he wasn't a very good father. After I realized what I said, I told him that I meant he wasn't a very good father to *me* and that I'm sure he's a wonderful father to his children (stupid kids :( (that's me being jealous, I know, I'm horrible but if they're my brothers and sisters they should get used to it, right!) (OMG! I hope he doesn't read this!)
Anyway! Thursday night I had a nightmare, and like you I too am *OVERLY* concerned about being needy, but in my nightmare I dreamed that he told me he was dying and I awoke Friday with such anxiety and held it as long as I could. But I knew that I had to call him and make sure he was OK or I would be a basketcase all weekend long. And he told me he was in great health and offered me a time slot, which I couldn't take because I didn't have makeup on, I'm such a dork :(...But the thing that really stands out is that he told me he wanted me to call him when I was emotional like that (be careful what you wish for!).
The point of the story (if there is one) is that sometimes what we think they don't want sometimes is what maybe they do? This whole time I've been stopping myself from getting emotional so that I wouldn't be needy and that's what he's been looking for. Maybe that could be the case as well? Maybe I've just wasted your time? If so, TOO BAD :) he he :) But, you should talk about your transference issues. I've always talked about mine. Although they are embarrassing, you can't work through them and fully understand what you need to gain from those feelings until you do!
Good luck, and continue posting! I'll keep giving long-winded posts that don't pertain to you :)
Posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 23:48:21
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Pandabear, posted by Karen_kay on January 10, 2004, at 23:37:58
Thanks for your post...I have called my therapist to tell her the dumbest things and every time I do so, I always apologize because I am certain that she is annoyed by my calling her on the phone. But then again, there are times that I have called her and she informs me how glad she is that I have. So Im not totally wrong for calling...Im just so paranoid that Im going to upset her by calling her so much..i just have to talk to her more than once a week...its really weird. It makes me wonder if she already knows that Im experiencing transference...I bet she does...but if she does..I wish she would bring it up...I guess she is waiting for me to?!!
Posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 11, 2004, at 8:36:24
In reply to Is this Transference?, posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:09:09
hey how r u ? i have been through this so have many ppl but it is best to talk to ur t about all this it will help and the t will understand and this site is great fpr advice ..diana and karen have so much good advice and they have helped me a great deal ... i hope when u do decide to tell ur t about it that she/he does not do waht mine did and trnsfer you to another and not work throught the issue that makes it 10x harder on u but good luck and keep us post it ..... thankx to everyone that has helped me!!!
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 8:36:49
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Karen_kay, posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 23:48:21
> I wish she would bring it up...I guess she is waiting for me to?!!
My therapist has this pesky assumption that I should be in charge of my own therapy. It annoys me no end. :) But he would almost certainly wait for me to bring it up. Maybe a leading question or two, but no more than that.
Posted by Pandabear on January 11, 2004, at 9:10:48
In reply to Re: Is this Transference?, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 8:36:49
Yes! My therapist likes for me to take control of the sessions too. It is annoying at times because I never really know what I should be discussing..or what she would prefer me to be talking about. Oh well. Someone just posted and said that their therapist transfered them to anohter one bc of transference? I would go crazy if that happened to me. But this is how I look at it. She told me that I could say ANYTHING I wanted to when in her office. And anything means anything..so I kind of doubt it that she would end my sessions over transference...or would she...nahhh...?!
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 9:22:49
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Dinah, posted by Pandabear on January 11, 2004, at 9:10:48
There are poorly trained therapists who will refer out clients who express an erotic transference. But the majority, thankfully, have proved not to.
I've talked to my therapist who says he would never refer out someone for expressing their feelings towards him, unless they were threats. Although he would refer out someone who broke the boundaries. Came and sat on his lap, took off their clothes, showed up at his house, etc.
My own transference is maternal, not erotic, and he doesn't have a problem with it, although he doesn't in any way encourage it.
If you think your therapist is experienced, well trained, and already has a good notion of how you feel. And if you stay within the boundaries. The chance that she will terminate you is present (and it would be imprudent not to mention it), but very small. Especially if it isn't an erotic transference. Some therapists have a problem sorting out the ethics rules on erotic feelings in therapy between a client's feelings and their feelings, for which I recommend the training course:
http://www.apa.org/videos/4310570.html?CFID=2493388&CFTOKEN=89863392
Posted by Pandabear on January 11, 2004, at 9:23:34
In reply to Re: Is this Transference?, posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 11, 2004, at 8:36:24
That really freaks me out that she could terminate my sessions. I think that is wrong...if you are supposed to talk about anything...then you should be able to do just that..dont you think?
Posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 11, 2004, at 9:34:04
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » lilmsbubbles07, posted by Pandabear on January 11, 2004, at 9:23:34
yes it is very scary ...my old therapist i was with for 3 yrs adn told me i could say anything and it took me a year and half to bring it up to him and then he transfered me it was a horriablr excperince !!!! i hope ur therapist wouldnt do that to u because i think it makes things worse i think diana and all would agree with me ... i do agree that some therapist are not trained very well and dont think mine was ...but dont let that stop u from telling ur therapist about it cus 9 out 10 wont do that ...it will make u feel so much better and u will be able to work on other issues in ur life ..this board helps alot and gives very good advice !!!!
Posted by Joslynn on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:00
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Pandabear, posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 11, 2004, at 9:34:04
Hi Bubbles, you sound a little better. Glad you are hanging in there.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:35:44
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » lilmsbubbles07, posted by Joslynn on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:00
I definitely think you should consider bringing it up. It's never easy, but like others have said, it can and should be very helpful in the long run.
I'm sorry to hear about some getting transferred after this. As much as that must have stunk, perhaps it's better if the T can't handle a transference. It seems like it would always be an underlying issue. If the T is so anxious about it and does not get consultation, then he or she likely would not be effective for you anyway. But most T's are prepared for this.
Another thing, if you choose not to address it now, don't worry. There are always other opportunities. As my supervisor always says, if it doesn't happen now, it will come up again and again if it needs to.
Take care,
g
Posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 11, 2004, at 11:53:50
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » lilmsbubbles07, posted by Joslynn on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:00
yes i am doing better it still hurts like crazy and there are alot of hard times with my new t because she is not as understanding but i am gettin better!!!
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 12:23:35
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? » Joslynn, posted by lilmsbubbles07 on January 11, 2004, at 11:53:50
Posted by Catmom on January 13, 2004, at 2:01:29
In reply to Is this Transference?, posted by Pandabear on January 10, 2004, at 21:09:09
Pandabear, I have a little theory (which is probably not unique to me) that we all have a melange of transference/projection/countertranference issues in the normal business of going about daily life.
Maybe you see a woman in a store and she's struggling and you have a moment of compassion and identification because she "seems" like your mother. But in reality she could be quite different.
In therapy, I think that the transference develops over time since we come in a heightened emotional state that makes us vulnerable, feeling insecure, almost child-like. And then we project, or transfer, onto the T the kinds of emotions we had as a child. The T might become the Good Father, the Bad Mother, the Surly Sibling, etc. to our way of thinking.
If we had an inadequate or a bad mother, we might hope to find the "Good Mother" embodied in the T. We also might "expect" that the T will treat us like the bad or good parent did.
Feeling so vulnerable, we start to cling to the T just like a young child will cling to a parent even when the parent is a poor one.
You write that " I just hate the idea that once i leave the room, I mean absolutely nothing to her!"We never really can know what we mean to the T. Depending on the T, we could be people who are deeply meaningful but the T cannot say so since that would gratify a fantasy. Or maybe we mean just a paycheck. Or maybe we are a tedious boring nuisance. I just don't know. I suspect that the T will respond to patients differently.
I sometimes run into the possible error of comparing my job (I am a teacher) with that of the T. I have some students I really like because they are responding to the material; I have some students I don't like so much because they cut class, tell me that they hate the class, or fall asleep in class and snore. Others I am really happy with when I see that they improve as time goes by. I doubt that any T is able to feel uniform feelings about each and every patient. On the other hand, the T has had training about how to manage transference/countertransference. I doubt that there are many Ts who can go home at the end of the day and NEVER think about a patient.
It's really embarrassing to have juvilile feelings about a T, but it's a part of the process and could be great grist for the mill of talking in therapy.
In my own experience, I have really good, positive feelings about my T, yet I have had dreams in which she is really quite abusive and rejecting. The dream products clearly reflect some sort of anxiety about her (a transferential one) which I intellectually and rationally realize simply cannot exist. In "real life" my T would never throw me into a dumpster, for example.
It's important to be open and honest, even if it feels humiliating. Especially since you view your T as "an amazing therapist and very smart and trustworthy".
This is an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself!
Good luck!
Posted by crushedout on January 13, 2004, at 17:00:45
In reply to Re: Is this Transference?, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 8:36:49
> > I wish she would bring it up...I guess she is waiting for me to?!!
>
> My therapist has this pesky assumption that I should be in charge of my own therapy. It annoys me no end. :) But he would almost certainly wait for me to bring it up. Maybe a leading question or two, but no more than that.That's funny: mine has that same pesky assumption. Actually, before I confessed my love for her, she used to ask me questions that I thought were trying to get at my transference (but maybe I was just being paranoid). Like, I would say I wanted to get a tan so that I would be more attractive and she would ask, "Who are you trying to be attractive for?" and I would look at her sideways and sheepishly and get all nervous, and be like, "oh, i dunno. no one in particular, i guess."
See, that would have been a good opening for me to bring it up but I always got too embarrassed to admit it to her. I still have trouble saying stuff like that to her face now, even though she basically knows everything.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 13, 2004, at 19:01:56
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? PANDABEAR, posted by Catmom on January 13, 2004, at 2:01:29
> Pandabear, I have a little theory (which is probably not unique to me) that we all have a melange of transference/projection/countertranference issues in the normal business of going about daily life.
>
I absolutely agree. Did you ever dislike someone for no reason you could think of? Who knows what was going on there? My T said to me that when people are together, their two unconciouses "talk" to each other. This makes a great deal of sense to me. I think a good example is how you can feel an instant connection with someone, even though they are not saying or doing anything much different than someone you do not connect with so readily.And, I had a "bad father" tranasference with my last supervisor. Once I figured it out, I laughed a bit to myself, but it explained how I felt so criticized by her all the time that I started to really hate her.
> On the other hand, the T has had training about how to manage transference/countertransference. I doubt that there are many Ts who can go home at the end of the day and NEVER think about a patient.
As a trainee in clinical psychology, I can tell you, I always seem to think about my clients when away from the office. I can't help it. Their issues, personalities, and our interactions in therapy are so thought-provoking. And I learn so much from them. I used to worry that this meant I was "too engaged" with my clients, but I now I realize it just means that I love what I do and I am continually stimulated by it. That can't be a bad thing.
>
>
> It's important to be open and honest, even if it feels humiliating. Especially since you view your T as "an amazing therapist and very smart and trustworthy".My own experience with a client opening up to me and talking about his transference was a wonderful learning experience. I could tell what he was so desperately trying to say, and I was hurting so much for him about how difficult it was to say it. But I felt like I needed to let him say it. That his ability to trust me was more important than my making it easier for him. And it definitely added a great deal of trust and empathy to the therapy relationship for us both to process it open and non-judgementally.
So to anyone struggling with this: I encourage you to try to talk to a trusted T about it, even if it feels terribly scary. It IS difficult, but often very helpful.
Of course, I can't say that I have talked with my own T about a transference yet. But I am not aware of one. He's hinting and providing opportunities to bring it up. So, I can resonate with both aspects of the dilemma.
Good luck and take care,
g
Posted by crushedout on January 13, 2004, at 19:39:00
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? PANDABEAR » Catmom, posted by gardenergirl on January 13, 2004, at 19:01:56
> So to anyone struggling with this: I encourage you to try to talk to a trusted T about it, even if it feels terribly scary. It IS difficult, but often very helpful.
>Where does it get you, though? I hear a lot of people saying that "working through" the transference with your T is very helpful, but no one seems to be able to explain to me HOW it's helpful. And I can't for the life of me figure it out. I'm asking honestly. Does anyone know????
I'm sure it's different for everyone, but then, is it universally helpful, regardless?
Posted by naiad on January 13, 2004, at 20:02:47
In reply to Where does working through get you????, posted by crushedout on January 13, 2004, at 19:39:00
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2004, at 20:05:34
In reply to Re: Is this Transference? PANDABEAR » Catmom, posted by gardenergirl on January 13, 2004, at 19:01:56
> As a trainee in clinical psychology, I can tell you, I always seem to think about my clients when away from the office. I can't help it. Their issues, personalities, and our interactions in therapy are so thought-provoking. And I learn so much from them. I used to worry that this meant I was "too engaged" with my clients, but I now I realize it just means that I love what I do and I am continually stimulated by it. That can't be a bad thing.
It's great to have you on the board! It's so interesting to hear about things from the other side. I always assume my therapist never ever thinks about me. He's only mentioned thinking of me once. His Sunday School class was on the Gospel of James, and he thought of me because he knows I'm a big James fan. That's the only time I know of.
> >
> >
> > It's important to be open and honest, even if it feels humiliating. Especially since you view your T as "an amazing therapist and very smart and trustworthy".
>
> My own experience with a client opening up to me and talking about his transference was a wonderful learning experience. I could tell what he was so desperately trying to say, and I was hurting so much for him about how difficult it was to say it. But I felt like I needed to let him say it. That his ability to trust me was more important than my making it easier for him. And it definitely added a great deal of trust and empathy to the therapy relationship for us both to process it open and non-judgementally.
>It sounds like you're going to be a great therapist. The sort any of us would be happy to have.
(I often think it would be sooo beneficial for therapists to read this board - NOT MINE OF COURSE!! What do you think? Or would it scare them senseless?)
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2004, at 20:10:39
In reply to Where does working through get you????, posted by crushedout on January 13, 2004, at 19:39:00
Well, you feel a heck of a lot better once it's no longer an issue for you.
I think the idea may be that if you customarily interact with people in a certain way and you learn to act with your therapist a different way, it'll extend to your other relationships as well. But I don't know. There are so many definitions of transference and ideas about what to do with it that I can't say for sure.
Have you read any of the books on using the erotic transference in therapy? I know there is at least one devoted to the subject. I haven't read it though. And hundreds on using transference in general. I've read at least a portion of those, but the answers are different enough that I don't know I could give you a straight answer.
I'm currently leaning towards attachment theory. So there would be some sort of corrective emotional experience I think?
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