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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
My wife is 30 years old and is bipolar with schizohrenia. She has been treated with this disorder for many years. She takes a ton of medication. We have been together for 6 years and they have been very very hard on me. My wife is usually hositalized every 1 to 1 1/2 years for a few weeks. She believes that "spys" are after her. Every year she believes to have a major health issue or injury. She has a thing on noticing "signs". These "signs" could be any abstract event, but to her it means something or is connected to an event in her life. Last year she swore she had cancer. This year she claims to nerve damage in her back. She has left our relationship on a number of occasions durring bad times in this illness. She had an affair during one of those times - that I know of. She has periods of times where she sleeps for weeks at a time. Then she will stay up for days. She has a habbit of talking bad behind my back. Ive notice that she even makes up situations that I have not done to justify her behavior. Its gotten so bad, I feel that I have become the person that she has made me out to be, when I know this isnt true. I feel as if Ive been labeled as a bad person because of this. She has left our marriage again. This time she says im not supportive enough. She says that she wants to try and find a "better man". She is always upset with me, most of the time over trival things. We dont have any kids. Her last husband sued her for divorse on the grounds of abandonment. She seems to be at her worse between the end of July and the second week in November. The rest of the year, her thinking is almost rational.
Now that Im alone. I feel that I was hit by a train. I love my wife and Im so devoted. But when is enough enough? Now Im depressed. I dont have any family or freinds to rely on. Should I get counciling, even thou I almost certain that our marriage is over? I really just dont know. Maybe someone can help me out.
Posted by judy1 on October 1, 2002, at 11:12:43
In reply to My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
I think anytime a spouse suffers from a severe mental illness it is critical for both to get therapy. If she won't go with you then you need to go alone. You can be an immense help with meds, looking for signs of illness before a full blown attack (and since they're cyclical- this should be easier) and also get the support you desperately need. There are also support groups strictly for the spouse where you can learn coping skills. My own husband has been through all of this and it has helped him greatly. I wish the same for you. take care, judy
Posted by karla on October 1, 2002, at 16:23:52
In reply to Re: My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt. » Spiffy, posted by judy1 on October 1, 2002, at 11:12:43
There are many support groups available through NAMI and other orgs that would be so wonderful for you to go to. There are also support groups for her to attend. I think it would be good for you to see a councelor that is familiar with her illness that can understand your needs and yet help her at the same time. My dr. offers family counceling for us. IT helps so much! I also get individual couunceling. If you love your wife stay with her through her bad times and fight for your marriage. Remember it is the illness that makes her run from you not her in itself. Good luck and many prayers for you.
Posted by Mark H. on October 2, 2002, at 20:03:53
In reply to My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
Dear Spiffy,
That's excellent advice from Judy1 and Karla. Get counseling for yourself and attend support groups in your area. Only you can decide when "enough is enough," but it is hard to make a clear, informed decision when you yourself are suffering from depression, isolation, guilt and loneliness.
I know how hard this can be, and how helpless you must feel when your wife's illness drives her beyond the reach of reason. Please get the help and support you need. Helping yourself at this point is also the very best thing you can do for her as well.
With kind regards,
Mark H.
Posted by Burt on October 5, 2002, at 21:28:49
In reply to My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
Dear Spiffy:
My wife and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. When we fell in love 20 years ago, I saw her psychiatrist before I saw her parents. With the psychiatrist's blessings, we informed the parents.
Many of the things you describe about your wife and your situation could have been written by myself. There had been several occasions when I seriously considered divorce. Her doctor (who sadly died recently) usually did set me straight in 30 seconds: "Do you love her?" "Yes." "Will you miss her?" "The rest of my life." "So you want to run away from stress and be miserable the rest of your life?" "No."
Now in your case, things seem to be different. Forget about all the stuff she's said. That's part of the disease. It does not matter. Try to forget that she hurt you. It wasn't intentional. It's part of the symptoms. But she has left you. You did not abandon her. If you get a divorce now, at least you do not have to feel guilty the rest of your life. Yes, you will miss her. But a big burden will also be removed. As long as you aren't crazy (and there are countless cases where mental problems indeed were "contagious"), try to see the matter rationally. Forget the past. Ask yourself some hard and tough questions: How will you live with her (if she ever comes back)? How will you live without her (if you ever get her back)? Do you want to wait until someone else gets sick of her and she comes back?
When is enough enough? When you decide. If I were in your shoes, if my wife would have left me, if I knew that she would not be out on the street, then I'd probably see it as a blessing and I might go for the divorce. I know it sounds cruel. But it can be a form of triage where you separate the walking wounded from the ones beyond salvage.
Posted by Burt on October 5, 2002, at 22:42:52
In reply to Re: My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Burt on October 5, 2002, at 21:28:49
By the way "How will you live without her (if you ever get her back)?" was meant as written. At this point in time, asking "How will I ever live without her if she doesn't come back?" won't clarify the situation. It will only increase the grief.
Posted by ivy on October 9, 2002, at 16:41:50
In reply to My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
You do need to talk to someone, someone that isn't related to the situation at all, such as a counselor or a therapist. They would be able to give you a more objective view. It is wonderful that you love your wife, I appreciate every second that my loved one puts up with my irrational self, but you have your life to live and you need to make sure that you are happy, she needs to get help, you have tried to help her, but you are too close to her and she doesn't seem to listen to you. Listen to what you really feel inside, I think you already know what you want. Everything with work out for you, because you seem like a very good person.
Posted by CcLow on March 12, 2003, at 1:13:14
In reply to My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
I agree with everyone on the subjuct of talking to someone. Crying when you feel the smallest urge helps too. A good cry is nothing to be ashamed of.
I also believe that its a tough call when deciding when enough, is enough but,,,,, I also believe you have had enough. Your wife has to be held accountable regaurdless of her illness. She still knows right from wrong. She knows that the things she does hurts you. I'm sure you two have talked about it several times. You are a person with feeling, and you are important. You could die tomorrow, and you would leave impressive legacy, but you arent going to die tomorrow, so its time to start taking care of yourself, and loving yourself.
I dont mean to come off harsh, but I think its time someone started caring about you. With the support of groups, and threads, I think you are off to a good start.
Keep your chin up
Posted by PuraVida on March 12, 2003, at 22:56:03
In reply to My wife is bipolar/schizohrenia. Im left hurt., posted by Spiffy on October 1, 2002, at 10:34:05
Spiffy,
I haven't read the other posts, so don't know if I'm repeating someone else. First - YES - you should try counseling regardless- it will help you understand what you have been through. Second, is your wife on meds? It sounds like if so, they aren't working. Third, she does have a disease, and is lucky to have a husband who is devoted enough to seek information and support. She needs you, but, it is up to her as well to get the help and take the meds she needs to stabilize. And you do have your life to live too. Wishing you the best -
PV
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