![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by soulnik on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:22
I haven’t posted on these boards in months but I need to write and I have no one to talk to so… Both of my parents died recently. My mom on May 18th and my dad 8 weeks later on May 6th. I don’t get along with my family – my aunt told me the day after my dad’s death – that my extended family had become indifferent toward me. She explained their open hostility toward me at my mom’s funeral by telling that they blamed my mother’s death on the fact that I didn’t come home enough while she was sick and that made her suffer more. Now that it’s just me and my brother left, I have to be near and with my family so much more and I hate it. I can’t be there. It’s not home for me and everyone there dislikes me and I them.
I can’t sleep.
Then, on top of everything else, I apparently have mice in my own apartment. I have found droppings on my counter top twice now. I have no place to be that feels good and restful and comfortable. My apartment is loud. It's furnished with rented furniture that I don't like or own. My mattress is so old that I'm allergic to it. Now I have mice.
And I am alone here.
And there is no where else to go.And there is no one to go to for help. No one to appeal to. No one can make it better.
I am so fat and I hate myself. Though my BMI is high, I am a poor candidate for weight loss surgery because of my history with severe depression and binge eating. I will always be fat. I will always be in a body I hate. I will always look this way. Who could love someone who looks this way and who hates the way she looks?
I can't even ask God for help. I went to seminary so I’ve studied God in depth, so I know. All I can come up with is that there either is no God or God is too mean or too weak to help. The most God does is keep me alive. I'm like a sick person on life support. I'm being kept alive almost by artificial means even though my quality of life is nil. I take medication that keeps me just functional enough to breathe air and stay alive but I feel always like crap. My life is sh*t. I am too. My parents are dead and I don't feel anything but crazy and slow and messed up. I have no one and it doesn't even matter. There's no where to go and I can't do anything about it.
I used to believe God loved me and was using me for some divine purpose. I used to think God had a plan. Then I thought that if God had a plan, maybe God needed people to help execute it or maybe it’s just a really, really flawed plan so then I thought I could be a part of making it better. Then I used to think that if I disbelieved in God or God's power enough, it would make God mad enough to prove to me that God was present and able to help me. I used believe that if I doubted, God would provide a miracle that made me believe beyond a shadow of a doubt. Now, I can't afford to ACTUALLY believe because I am only ever disappointed by God. I used to believe if I let God know and lamented enough, God would help me. But God doesn't help. God doesn't do anything but keep me just always barely here and barely functioning and barely able to stay alive. I never even have the courage to kill myself. God doesn’t' do anything. God can't do anything.
That's why I can't do 12 step programs. They require that you "come to believe that only a power greater that you can restore you to sanity." You actually have to believe that there is some power somewhere that can make it better. But there isn't any such power. The AA Big Book says that you don't have to believe in God to believe in higher power. You're higher power can be the meetings or a philosophy or your sponsor. But I've been to the meetings and hate them. I have yet to come across any philosophy that does not, at some point, break down into smaller components of incoherent BS, and no person - sponsor, minister, friend, psychiatrist, doctor, lover, etc - can make it better. There is no higher power. There is just how crazy I am and how crappy everything is and how depressed I have always, always, always been no matter how many pills I take and no matter how much therapy I’ve had.And now my parents are dead and all I feel is numb and crazy and certain that I am dying and there is no way to stop it. I am ruined and wrecked and was before they died and now that they have died, there is no one in the world who actually cares enough to wonder about it with me. My parents were crazy and contributed to my crazy but they were also the only people who ever called me.
All of my fantasies are about going away from my life and being somewhere else and someone else and about being someone who is loved. And none of that will happen.
I know someone will tell me that my feelings are valid and that there are people that are there for me. I bet someone will affirm my right to feel everything I feel. I hope no one will blow smoke up my butt and tell me that “it will get better soon.” And I hope that, even if someone thinks it, no one will state the obvious and say to me that things feel particularly worse because of my parents dying. But I don't even want to hear any of that. Everything is bull at this point. It doesn't matter if my feelings are affirmed or anything else. Nothing is going to change anything because I always come back to some form of hopelessness or another. I am always back at sad and worthless and too weak to know what to do about it. I don’t even have the energy or the courage to kill myself. I’m afraid to do even that. I am always afraid of everything. I just wanted to write this somewhere.
Posted by snapper on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
Soulnik, It is almost 4 am where I live and I am glad that I was still awake to read of your pain,loss and desperate feelings. I have no special or magical things in mind to offer you as a solution. I do know for a fact though that someone more qualified to respond to your post will soon come along. I am sorry for your situation and won't try to change anything you posted. Everything you wrote is valid and "It" is what "It" is. I am glad you reached out! That is a good sign and also validates the importance of the special place we all effectionately know as Psycho Babble. Again I don't feel I have the words to console or help soothe the pain you are going through at this time in your life.Even so, I just wanted to make sure that I could write something...anything...to let you know I read your post! Others will too, when more people get up and start reading your post, I can surely guarantee that others will reach out to you in deep heartfelt and meaning and emotional ways to if at a minimum , offer ways of what to do next...... I really wish I knew of a way to offer you solace. I will lay down this early morning and try to sleep and will think of you and many others as I offer up a Prayer to a God that You and I and many others feel like he has turned away from , shunned us, given us sick emotional,mental cases a shi*ty deal and lot in this life . I often pray to a God that most of the time I really wonder if he or her or it even exists at all. But I still pray. I hope you get or got some sleep this lonely night and morning.I will close in saying this: Even if you feel no one cares or you have no one to turn to, you have all of us he at 'Babble' and I know that may not even sound like anything of any significance at all but it is. I hope that wou can find the energy and desire to call on your dr. pdoc or anybody you have reached out to in times before. I sincerely hope that my response to your post is a beggining to helping you realize that ....even though we have never spoke before, that I CARE , Every body else here Definitely cares ...You are a human being that needs love , compassion, gentleness, and understanding just like any othe human. You are NOT alone!!! I will look forward to seeing your post and others when I wake up!
Good Night
Snapper
Posted by partlycloudy on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
I am so sorry for the huge losses in your life. It's an awful lot to cope with.
12-stepping doesn't work for me either, and for the same reasons. I decided that I'd have to find my own path to healthy living - for me, that means no alcohol; and I have struggled with finding that path.
There isn't anything as pervasive as the AA-type programs, but there are other forms of support. I've recently found a women's support group in my area that has finally given me some hope.I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. That the battle is worth fighting. And that we're here for you.
Partlycloudy
Posted by sunny10 on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to (((soulnik))) hope you don't mind a hug, posted by partlycloudy on May 23, 2005, at 5:24:28
I hope you realize that although our stories are all different, we are all here because we feel/have felt the way that you do right now.
Maybe just continuing to post here and seeing that people DO care how you feel will help you feel a little better.
Hope your day is going at least a little better than your night,
sunny10
Posted by JenStar on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
hi Soulnik,
welcome to the boards. It's good that you are posting here.I'm very sorry for your loss. Very sorry. My feelings & thoughts go out to you in this difficult time.
I'm really at a loss for anything to say. I know you don't want to hear platitudes, so I won't give them. But I give you my best wishes that things do get better and that your depression lifts. No one deserves to be as unhappy as you are right now.
If you are unwell yourself, there is no way you could have cared more for your parents. Your family may be wrong and trying to blame someone because they are angry and sad, but it is not your fault. I hope you know that.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to take small steps. Wash your sheets in piping hot water at least 2X/week - that will help kill allergens and mites. Buy a mattress cover to help protect you from the allergens, and wash it often. Get some mouse traps. What makes you happy? Does anything (did anything ever) make you happy? Do that thing, even if you don't want to. You're stuck in a pit of unhappiness and it's up to you to take the tiny baby steps that will help you get out. I know it seems that these things are meaningless and stupid, but they are not. Over time, taking care of yourself will help you feel better. Please feel better.
I hope things improve. Thinking of you!
JenStar
Posted by ghost on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel. » soulnik, posted by JenStar on May 23, 2005, at 11:55:19
soulnik,
i don't post much these days, but i do keep tabs on posts and what's going on. i have no magical words for you, but i did want to respond to your comments on your looks and your unhappiness with them.
i have the lowest self-esteem of anyone i know. i can't even talk about it with most people, i think so little of my looks. i'm fat, i'm ugly. i think i'm freakishly hideous. i prefer the internet world to the real world because i don't have to deal with the disappointment that others have when they meet me.
however, that being said, for some reason, i have found a few people in the world who disagree. they don't see me as i see me, and i am sure that there are (or will be) people who feel the same way about you. there are so many people in the world, the odds are in our favor, right? even though we think lowly of ourselves on the outside, there's always going to be someone who disagrees, because they see things through different eyes than our own.
technically, i guess i'm supposed to say that "looks aren't everything" and "what matters is what's on the inside." but i know that's not true, first hand. i'll never forget the look of disappointment on one guy's face the day we met for the first time after knowing each other online for awhile. he saw me as i saw me, i think, and that hurt.
i know how you feel, but i also know that somewhere out there, there are people who disagree and find you beautiful, because really-- you are. we all are. in the eyes of the right person.
i'm sure i'd see you as beautiful if i met you. it sounds like we have some things in common.
take care,
ghost
Posted by soulnik on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel. » soulnik, posted by snapper on May 23, 2005, at 4:26:39
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond and so quickly. I've just been camped out in my apartment for the last few days. I haven't even turned the computer on or answered the two (whoopy, so many) phone calls I've received. It's helpful just to know I was heard. I feel so lonely. Thanks for answering.
Posted by soulnik on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to (((soulnik))) hope you don't mind a hug, posted by partlycloudy on May 23, 2005, at 5:24:28
HUGS ARE GOOD!!! Thank you. I don't actually know that last time someone touched me when it didn't feel perfunctory or obligatory. A cyber hug with intentionality is a vast improvement.
I don't know if the battle is worth fighting. I don't even know what the battle is at this point. I'm so incapable of feeling anything but crazy and alone. My limbs are actually numb. I used to at least visualize a change or intervention from somewhere or something. Now I just sit here. Living is a stretch so healthy living isn't even on the agenda. I don't even have an agenda. My lack of motivation is seriously pathetic. I'm actually tired of myself.
Posted by soulnik on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel. » soulnik, posted by JenStar on May 23, 2005, at 11:55:19
JenStar,
Thanks for the suggestions for handling the allergies. I recently bought a mattress cover and got off my butt and put it on my bed. It seems to have helped a bit. Washing my sheets may be a bit demanding as I barely feel like washing myself but we'll see.
The thing about depression, the way I usually experience it, is that I can remind myself that I am depressed and that I take medication for it and I am doing everything I can to deal with. I usually do my best to act "as if" and "do" my life anyway. I usually can't remember what makes or made me happy and generally don't remember ever having felt happy in my life but when I am in the midst of depression I try to get dressed and do things that could make me happy. The point is that until I get to the "I'm suicidal and I need to be hospitalized" place, I can usually reserve some part of my mind that remembers that my depression is an illness and it will eventually swing back into something that feels less like evil invading my soul.
This place feels so different because I haven't forgotten about my depression and it's nature and swinging cycles. I just don't FEEL anything. It's almost worse than the pain of depression. I can't feel anything. I'm not sure I'm here. It makes me feel crazy in a totally different way. All I really feel is that all the space around me is completely void. There is no one and nothing and my insides - me feelings - are just blowing in that void like laundry on a clothes line. I'm standing between the sheets but I can't touch them or take them down yet. There's no one to help me and I'll fall and get tangled up in the folds and be strangled by the clothes line if I try to take them down and deal with them on my own. Whew, that's corny! (I can talk about laundry but I don't have the energy to do any.)
Soulnik
Posted by soulnik on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to on materialism. (my own.), posted by ghost on May 24, 2005, at 18:58:27
Ghost,
Thank you so much for sharing this piece of yourself with me.
I feel sort of like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to my appearance. I have this one part of myself that can look at me and think, "Damn your cute!" Then I have this other part that only sees how fat I am - every roll, every pucker of cellulite, every mark, every part of me that isn't perfect. And that part of me is always comparing myself to other people. That's the part of me that can't talk to men and won't go out and wears clothes that don't fit right. The other part of me, the part that thinks I'm cute, only gets to control things when I drink or get high or on some other rare occasion that she wins the battle in my brain.
And it's so messed up because I have people tell me all the time how pretty I am but the part of me that can see it is so detached from the part of me that actually lives my life. Plus, I always think that when people say I am pretty, they're really saying, "You have such a pretty face. Too bad you're such a fat pig."
I liked the idea of online dating for awhile. I thought it would be great to get to know someone for who they really are and THEN meet and deal with the visuals. But it always ended up being too much stress and fear and every single one of my insecurities worked against me. Or, even better, the people I met online misrepresented themselves.
Now, I don't feel hopeful at all about ever meeting anyone. I love that you still have hope. Maybe you can hope for both of us. I don't think there's anyone out there and if there is, I'd have to be someone else to find them. I hate myself. MAN!!! COULD I BE ANYMORE OF A BUMMER?
Soulnik
Posted by JenStar on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to Re: on materialism. (my own.) » ghost, posted by soulnik on May 24, 2005, at 21:50:32
Soulnik,
I know what you mean about people saying "you're pretty" but feeling inside the "but..." start up. I'm overweight myself but have a pretty face, and I always think people must be thinking "she'd be so cute if she'd only lose some weight!" Or maybe that's my own projection, b/c I DO want to lose weight...it's just so hard. And our society makes us feel like pigs if we're not model-beautiful (I know I'm the one making myself feel this way, but the Glamours and other magazines don't help much!)I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how you feel, I think, and I sympathize. For what it's worth, I know some other people who are overweight and I think many of them really ARE beautiful. I don't look at them and think, "Oh, she'd be OK if she'd just lose some weight," I think "she's my friend and she's lovely." Maybe inside they're insecure about it, but for me, I just think they're great the way they are.
So probably people think this about us, too!
I know meeting potential dates is hard. Have you tried dating services at all?
I hope you're well. Take care of yourself!
JenStar
Posted by snapper on May 28, 2005, at 13:22:19
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel. » snapper, posted by soulnik on May 24, 2005, at 21:08:00
> Thanks so much for taking the time to respond and so quickly. I've just been camped out in my apartment for the last few days. I haven't even turned the computer on or answered the two (whoopy, so many) phone calls I've received. It's helpful just to know I was heard. I feel so lonely. Thanks for answering.
Hi Soulnik, your welcome and I know things will get better for you! Let us know and keep us posted... see.. did I not say that others would, and did respond. We are all in this "crazy" club together! Take Good Care
Snapper
Posted by cockeyed on June 7, 2005, at 17:49:10
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
soulnik, I read about your grief and it moved me to write a long reply. Hit a wrong key and lost it so I'm starting again.
All people must die sometime. Your not being there every single minute would probably not have changed a thing. Frankly your relatives are being spitefully cruel and don't deserve your attention. The impact of your loss is what you must deal with and their attitude is...I guess the only word that comes to me is useless.
Now, the god lecture. The Easter Bunny, Santa, my religion, and then god. All figments of wishful thinking. But I learned a lesson a number of years ago after the impact of my mother's death hit me. I literally lay on the floor crying and drunk, a grown man, helpless. So I gave up. F**k it, I told the god I did not believe in, I'm too far gone, so what the hell...I'm going to hold my nose, swallow my intellect and just make a leap of faith into the abyss. I had nothing to lose. Something worked. No big deal. It just seemed to me that after I'd intellectually jumped off the cliff, I hit bottom and that bottom was somehow better than where I'd been. So now I'm a diplomat-okay, hypocrite-I still don't believe...I hate to go to church. I only go if forced but I have this attitude that I'm like a little kid having a tantrum and it's okay if when nobody's looking, inside myself, I ask for help. I've tried to be honest and I can't swallow my religious education...but I can indulge myself in a little spirituality.
Same with AA. "Fake it til you make it" My ister told me that. And I did. Frankly I went to hear the lurid stories and I learned to share my pain, not my secrets, etc. But just go to a meeting and saying something that was bothering me helped.
Which is great but now I'm disabled and I find my self resenting and envious of people who praise the lord their life has changed, etc. Still sharing helps as long as I don't become too "uncivil"
Mice. it's your apt. not there's. Get some of those sticky traps if you don't like the other kind and do yourself a favor: get rid of them. They bring disease and filth. Give yourself a chance to have a place where you can feel better, even at the expense of other creatures. The loss of parents is brutal and you should feel that you have been hurt, wounded, and need recuperation.
I wish I could say more that would help. Keep writing on these silly boards...they help. You can share without the god squad and the higher power. cockeyed.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 7, 2005, at 20:32:17
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by cockeyed on June 7, 2005, at 17:49:10
Well said, cockeyed.
Posted by allisonross on November 4, 2005, at 9:03:30
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
>Dear Soulnik (new here)
I haven’t posted on these boards in months but I need to write and I have no one to talk to so… Both of my parents died recently.
That is unbelievable!
My mom on May 18th and my dad 8 weeks later on May 6th. I don’t get along with my family – my aunt told me the day after my dad’s death – that my extended family had become indifferent toward me. She explained their open hostility toward me at my mom’s funeral by telling that they blamed my mother’s death on the fact that I didn’t come home enough while she was sick and that made her suffer more.
Such cruelty. Abuse, on top of having to cope with her death. Doesn't get any worse that that.
Now that it’s just me and my brother left, I have to be near and with my family so much more and I hate it. I can’t be there. It’s not home for me and everyone there dislikes me and I them.
>
> I can’t sleep.
>
> Then, on top of everything else, I apparently have mice in my own apartment. I have found droppings on my counter top twice now. I have no place to be that feels good and restful and comfortable. My apartment is loud. It's furnished with rented furniture that I don't like or own. My mattress is so old that I'm allergic to it. Now I have mice.
>
> And I am alone here.Do you have any friends?
>
> And there is no where else to go.
>
> And there is no one to go to for help. No one to appeal to. No one can make it better.
>
> I am so fat and I hate myself. Though my BMI is high, I am a poor candidate for weight loss surgery because of my history with severe depression and binge eating. I will always be fat. I will always be in a body I hate.This is called "catastrophic thinking" I know, cause I was that way.
I will always look this way.
Only if you choose that.
Who could love someone who looks this way and who hates the way she looks?
Someone who knows the real...you.
>
> I can't even ask God for help. I went to seminary so I’ve studied God in depth, so I know. All I can come up with is that there either is no God or God is too mean or too weak to help. The most God does is keep me alive. I'm like a sick person on life support. I'm being kept alive almost by artificial means even though my quality of life is nil. I take medication that keeps me just functional enough to breathe air and stay alive but I feel always like crap. My life is sh*t. I am too. My parents are dead and I don't feel anything but crazy and slow and messed up. I have no one and it doesn't even matter. There's no where to go and I can't do anything about it.
>
> I used to believe God loved me and was using me for some divine purpose. I used to think God had a plan. Then I thought that if God had a plan, maybe God needed people to help execute it or maybe it’s just a really, really flawed plan so then I thought I could be a part of making it better. Then I used to think that if I disbelieved in God or God's power enough, it would make God mad enough to prove to me that God was present and able to help me. I used believe that if I doubted, God would provide a miracle that made me believe beyond a shadow of a doubt. Now, I can't afford to ACTUALLY believe because I am only ever disappointed by God. I used to believe if I let God know and lamented enough, God would help me. But God doesn't help. God doesn't do anything but keep me just always barely here and barely functioning and barely able to stay alive. I never even have the courage to kill myself. God doesn’t' do anything. God can't do anything.
>
> That's why I can't do 12 step programs. They require that you "come to believe that only a power greater that you can restore you to sanity." You actually have to believe that there is some power somewhere that can make it better. But there isn't any such power. The AA Big Book says that you don't have to believe in God to believe in higher power. You're higher power can be the meetings or a philosophy or your sponsor. But I've been to the meetings and hate them. I have yet to come across any philosophy that does not, at some point, break down into smaller components of incoherent BS, and no person - sponsor, minister, friend, psychiatrist, doctor, lover, etc - can make it better. There is no higher power. There is just how crazy I am and how crappy everything is and how depressed I have always, always, always been no matter how many pills I take and no matter how much therapy I’ve had.
>
> And now my parents are dead and all I feel is numb and crazy and certain that I am dying and there is no way to stop it. I am ruined and wrecked and was before they died and now that they have died, there is no one in the world who actually cares enough to wonder about it with me. My parents were crazy and contributed to my crazy but they were also the only people who ever called me.i know the feeling of being alone in the world. Abused as a child by a mentally-ill mother, and no father; poorer than anyone can believe. "married" my mother and tried to fix the past, followed by 31 years of abusive marriage; followed by divorce, followed by a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse..
.voted out of a 31-year church membership, with my name up on a big screen,f ollowed by the words; CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD.>
Now alone.
> All of my fantasies are about going away from my life and being somewhere else and someone else and about being someone who is loved. And none of that will happen.
It can.
>
> I know someone will tell me that my feelings are valid and that there are people that are there for me. I bet someone will affirm my right to feel everything I feel. I hope no one will blow smoke up my butt and tell me that “it will get better soon.”I'd never say that, I have been waiting for "better" for a lifetime.
And I hope that, even if someone thinks it, no one will state the obvious and say to me that things feel particularly worse because of my parents dying. But I don't even want to hear any of that. Everything is bull at this point. It doesn't matter if my feelings are affirmed or anything else. Nothing is going to change anything because I always come back to some form of hopelessness or another. I am always back at sad and worthless and too weak to know what to do about it.
you said you had been in therapy. Would you consider going back?
I don’t even have the energy or the courage to kill myself.
I'm glad.
I’m afraid to do even that. I am always afraid of everything. I just wanted to write this somewhere.
I won't blow sunshine/smoke up your dress, sweetie: Except for 3 years in the army, I lived with abuse (verbal, physical, sexual); that is a total (tah--dahh) of FORTY ONE years.
I was published on-line (amazingly with the psychs.:
www.psychiatricjournal.com
The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse by Alice Carleton
I have my own site: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems of anguish, healing, hope and comfort came pouring from my wounded soul, as a result of being "kicked out of church")>
If I hear you right: You have lost all hope and don't care about anything?
Write to me anytime: wacalice@aol.com
I admire authenticity (a rare commodity), and so. I admire...YOU.
Wish I could 'fix it"
Love, Ally (even tho i am just words on a screen, I DO care, and I do feel sad about your situation).
How can I help? Do you think anyone....can help?
You can say anything you like to me (been counseling abused women for past 10 years); verbal abuse being my "expertise"----don't have a degree, but have 41 years of experience,
if you ever want to talk. Nothing you say can shock me!
Posted by sweetjess321 on October 27, 2006, at 15:12:10
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't f » soulnik, posted by allisonross on November 4, 2005, at 9:03:30
Hi. My name is Jessica, I'm 24. Both of my parents have passed as well. Both from heart attacks. I actually witnessed my mother dying in front of my eyes...it's really a tramatic thing. I have a question for you...or anyone on here who has lost both of their parents....I am taking an English class in college and I am doing a paper on the Effects of Children/young adults with parents who have passed.....I would like to get some info from you if you would be willing to help me out a little bit. It's interesting listening to other people's stories of coping and greiving and then comparing them to your own....My personal email is jessbullis@hotmail.com, Please respond if you have time! Thanks and I'm thinkin' of ya!!
Posted by alligator on November 14, 2006, at 23:19:21
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
Hey,
I'm not going to say...oh i'm so sorry for your loss. That's what everyone says, and it doesn't help anything. It doesn't do anything. It just makes you feel worse about yourself. I wanted to let you know that your not alone. I've never personally met anyone else whose parents have died...for a while I thought I was alone too. Both of my parents and my 15 year old brother died in a car accident on February 19, 2006. All I have left is my brother who is two years older than me. We're both in college, and I'm in my second year now. It's still hard to pay attention in class, honestly I think I'm failing and I have no idea what to do! I have soo many problems as it is, but after the accident I felt as if I had nothing to live for. And get this. My grandma was in the accident too. Luckily she lived. I'm always thinking...What if? Like what if I had gone with them like I was supposed to? Would I be alive now, or would the accident have happened? What if they had had side airbags in the car like my dad had mentioned in the past few months before? I'm sure my little brother would still be alive. I feel lost without them, especially my mom. I have so much to say, there were so many ironic things that had to do with the accident. It was my best friends birthday and I was having fun while my parents were dying. It's the worst feeling in the world. I hate meeting new people now, because I feel like if they weren't there during that time, they will never understand me. I like people to know about what happened, I can't stop thinking about it because it's my entire life now. It's so hard though...what am I supposed to say...Hi nice to meet you, guess what? my parents and little brother died in a car accident. That's not a very great way to start off a friendship...they'll just feel sorry for me. I also have this feeling that any guy that likes me seems to be scared away when I tell them what happened. They think I'm emotionally unstable. Anyways I could talk forever...but i've never met anyone who has had their parents die also. You can definitely talk to me anytime!! I know the situations are slightly different...and I won't be able to understand exactly how you feel...but pretty close to it. Please write back!
Allison
Posted by sweetjess321 on November 16, 2006, at 16:47:16
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by alligator on November 14, 2006, at 23:19:21
Allison,
Hey, thanks for writing me back! I had a couple questions for you, but was wondering if you had an email I could write to you on. I am not allowed on most websites while I am at work (they block everything!) and I am always at work, so....it would be a lot easier for me to do it via email. My email is jbullis@lswphx.com or jessbullis@hotmail.com. Either one is fine. The first one is my work email. I was going to ask you too, where are you from? I'm in Arizona...just curious what part of the country you are on.
Posted by prin3546 on July 24, 2008, at 12:20:37
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:22
I know things seem really tough right now, but someone once told me that it's the bad times that makes a person who they are. It's not that there's no god, it's just that god is probably helping someone else who's not as strong as you. Everybody has ups and downs in their lives, you've just had a real rocky ride as of recently. Don't look down, keep your head held up high! Now, the whole weight issue. I know that being overweight is really hard on someone's self esteem. Remember though, if a person can't love you for whop you are, and not what you you look like, then they're not worth your time anyways. There are plenty of good hearted people out there that would be happy to help you with whatever problems you have. Have you thought about anti-depressants? It sounds really lame, but I have taken prozac (after I was finished with cancer 3 times) and it really helped me get back on track. I felt like my old self all over again. I'm really sorry to hear about your parents and the way your grandparents are acting, but remember, it wasn't your fault. They're blaming you probably because they have a guilty conscience about not being there as much as they should have for your mom, so to keep people from blaming them, they started pointing fingers at you
to draw attention away from them. There is nothing wrong with typing on the computer to vent out your frustrations. Letting it out is always a healthy way to rejuvenate your mental health and sometimes, that's all you need. God Bless you for having the strength to carry on even when you feel like there is nothing left for you. Remember though, there's always someone out there listening to you, even if you don't know it. ;-)> I havent posted on these boards in months but I need to write and I have no one to talk to so Both of my parents died recently. My mom on May 18th and my dad 8 weeks later on May 6th. I dont get along with my family my aunt told me the day after my dads death that my extended family had become indifferent toward me. She explained their open hostility toward me at my moms funeral by telling that they blamed my mothers death on the fact that I didnt come home enough while she was sick and that made her suffer more. Now that its just me and my brother left, I have to be near and with my family so much more and I hate it. I cant be there. Its not home for me and everyone there dislikes me and I them.
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> I cant sleep.
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> Then, on top of everything else, I apparently have mice in my own apartment. I have found droppings on my counter top twice now. I have no place to be that feels good and restful and comfortable. My apartment is loud. It's furnished with rented furniture that I don't like or own. My mattress is so old that I'm allergic to it. Now I have mice.
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> And I am alone here.
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> And there is no where else to go.
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> And there is no one to go to for help. No one to appeal to. No one can make it better.
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> I am so fat and I hate myself. Though my BMI is high, I am a poor candidate for weight loss surgery because of my history with severe depression and binge eating. I will always be fat. I will always be in a body I hate. I will always look this way. Who could love someone who looks this way and who hates the way she looks?
>
> I can't even ask God for help. I went to seminary so Ive studied God in depth, so I know. All I can come up with is that there either is no God or God is too mean or too weak to help. The most God does is keep me alive. I'm like a sick person on life support. I'm being kept alive almost by artificial means even though my quality of life is nil. I take medication that keeps me just functional enough to breathe air and stay alive but I feel always like crap. My life is sh*t. I am too. My parents are dead and I don't feel anything but crazy and slow and messed up. I have no one and it doesn't even matter. There's no where to go and I can't do anything about it.
>
> I used to believe God loved me and was using me for some divine purpose. I used to think God had a plan. Then I thought that if God had a plan, maybe God needed people to help execute it or maybe its just a really, really flawed plan so then I thought I could be a part of making it better. Then I used to think that if I disbelieved in God or God's power enough, it would make God mad enough to prove to me that God was present and able to help me. I used believe that if I doubted, God would provide a miracle that made me believe beyond a shadow of a doubt. Now, I can't afford to ACTUALLY believe because I am only ever disappointed by God. I used to believe if I let God know and lamented enough, God would help me. But God doesn't help. God doesn't do anything but keep me just always barely here and barely functioning and barely able to stay alive. I never even have the courage to kill myself. God doesnt' do anything. God can't do anything.
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> That's why I can't do 12 step programs. They require that you "come to believe that only a power greater that you can restore you to sanity." You actually have to believe that there is some power somewhere that can make it better. But there isn't any such power. The AA Big Book says that you don't have to believe in God to believe in higher power. You're higher power can be the meetings or a philosophy or your sponsor. But I've been to the meetings and hate them. I have yet to come across any philosophy that does not, at some point, break down into smaller components of incoherent BS, and no person - sponsor, minister, friend, psychiatrist, doctor, lover, etc - can make it better. There is no higher power. There is just how crazy I am and how crappy everything is and how depressed I have always, always, always been no matter how many pills I take and no matter how much therapy Ive had.
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> And now my parents are dead and all I feel is numb and crazy and certain that I am dying and there is no way to stop it. I am ruined and wrecked and was before they died and now that they have died, there is no one in the world who actually cares enough to wonder about it with me. My parents were crazy and contributed to my crazy but they were also the only people who ever called me.
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> All of my fantasies are about going away from my life and being somewhere else and someone else and about being someone who is loved. And none of that will happen.
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> I know someone will tell me that my feelings are valid and that there are people that are there for me. I bet someone will affirm my right to feel everything I feel. I hope no one will blow smoke up my butt and tell me that it will get better soon. And I hope that, even if someone thinks it, no one will state the obvious and say to me that things feel particularly worse because of my parents dying. But I don't even want to hear any of that. Everything is bull at this point. It doesn't matter if my feelings are affirmed or anything else. Nothing is going to change anything because I always come back to some form of hopelessness or another. I am always back at sad and worthless and too weak to know what to do about it. I dont even have the energy or the courage to kill myself. Im afraid to do even that. I am always afraid of everything. I just wanted to write this somewhere.
>
Posted by rnny on December 16, 2009, at 16:25:29
In reply to Re: Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't f, posted by prin3546 on July 24, 2008, at 12:20:37
get into some grief support groups right away. find your local hospice and ask where there are grief groups around. they are always free. you need loving arms and support right now. not hurtful remarks from extended family. sounds like my family!
This is the end of the thread.
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