Posted by cockeyed on June 7, 2005, at 17:49:10
In reply to Both my parents died. I'm hopeless and can't feel., posted by soulnik on May 23, 2005, at 0:08:57
soulnik, I read about your grief and it moved me to write a long reply. Hit a wrong key and lost it so I'm starting again.
All people must die sometime. Your not being there every single minute would probably not have changed a thing. Frankly your relatives are being spitefully cruel and don't deserve your attention. The impact of your loss is what you must deal with and their attitude is...I guess the only word that comes to me is useless.
Now, the god lecture. The Easter Bunny, Santa, my religion, and then god. All figments of wishful thinking. But I learned a lesson a number of years ago after the impact of my mother's death hit me. I literally lay on the floor crying and drunk, a grown man, helpless. So I gave up. F**k it, I told the god I did not believe in, I'm too far gone, so what the hell...I'm going to hold my nose, swallow my intellect and just make a leap of faith into the abyss. I had nothing to lose. Something worked. No big deal. It just seemed to me that after I'd intellectually jumped off the cliff, I hit bottom and that bottom was somehow better than where I'd been. So now I'm a diplomat-okay, hypocrite-I still don't believe...I hate to go to church. I only go if forced but I have this attitude that I'm like a little kid having a tantrum and it's okay if when nobody's looking, inside myself, I ask for help. I've tried to be honest and I can't swallow my religious education...but I can indulge myself in a little spirituality.
Same with AA. "Fake it til you make it" My ister told me that. And I did. Frankly I went to hear the lurid stories and I learned to share my pain, not my secrets, etc. But just go to a meeting and saying something that was bothering me helped.
Which is great but now I'm disabled and I find my self resenting and envious of people who praise the lord their life has changed, etc. Still sharing helps as long as I don't become too "uncivil"
Mice. it's your apt. not there's. Get some of those sticky traps if you don't like the other kind and do yourself a favor: get rid of them. They bring disease and filth. Give yourself a chance to have a place where you can feel better, even at the expense of other creatures. The loss of parents is brutal and you should feel that you have been hurt, wounded, and need recuperation.
I wish I could say more that would help. Keep writing on these silly boards...they help. You can share without the god squad and the higher power. cockeyed.
poster:cockeyed
thread:504183
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/509265.html